A/N: We're back! With what I think is maybe an extra-long chapter of H'garkbheadh. Maybe. I haven't checked, I just write stuff and post it.
Enjoy this stuff I wrote.
It's good.
"Attention! Attention!"
Slowly, the entire mess hall turned to stare coldly at the hulking aliens and their brethren. For good measure, Brother Dubhghuill tapped his spoon against his bowl again.
"Brother Tom and I would like to make some announcements," he said, reaching over for a long scroll of paper. "First, Mass will now be held every five minutes. If you cannot make it to the chapel, please take a moment for silent prayer and reflection wherever you are."
The "chapel", as they put it, was in fact the Colonel's sleeping quarters. The aliens were trying really, really hard. There was even a shrine to H'garkbheadh on his desk, and they'd been so kind as to get him Brother Nicholas's autograph and a lock of the scientist's hair (forcibly taken – both the autograph and the hair, that is).
Young was strangely OK with this.
"Second," said Brother Dubhghuill, "I would like to humbly request that banana gruel be taken off the menu."
Silence.
"Sorry?" said Becker, looking lost. "Could you repeat that?"
"Off the menu," said Brother Tom quite kindly. "It's not kosher, you see."
"You'll starve!" Young scoffed. The aliens gave him disapproving looks.
"Colonel Young," they said before he could go on, "what did we say about taking turns?"
"What?"
"Are you holding the Feather of Articulation?"
For a moment, the colonel only gaped. It was his fault, really – they'd given him the "Feather of Articulation" lecture weeks ago – but that didn't mean he was happy with it. Eli came to his rescue.
"Tom wasn't holding the Feather when he interrupted," he pointed out. Brother Tom looked sorely disappointed.
"Oh, Eli," he said sadly. "So bright."
He and Brother Dubhghuill shook their heads. Eli blinked.
"Oookay."
"Brothers," said Brother Ronald softly, "the rest of the list?"
"Oh, right. And third –" Brother Tom reached into a little burlap bag and pulled out a handful of something shiny. "In light of the … gruesome discoveries that Brother Dubhghuill and I have made –"
"People are having sex," Brother Dubhghuill whispered.
"Right. We'd like to make a suggestion."
His eyes narrowed.
"A mandatory suggestion."
With that, Brother Tom opened his fist and let everyone see the shininess inside.
"Purity rings?" TJ squawked indignantly.
"Yes, Tamara," Brother Tom sniffed. "We figured you'd be disappointed."
The medic didn't seem to know how to respond. Young and Rush just covered their faces.
"Everyone will get one, don't worry!" Brother Dubhghuill assured. "Brother Ronald will pass them out."
For about a minute, Rush only watched as Greer moved through the mess hall, offering people the little metal rings and occasionally twisting them onto dissenters' little fingers and hissing words that sounding vaguely like "pube" and "shave".
TJ and Camille received chastity belts.
Rush wasn't sure what to make of that.
"Er, Brother Tom!" he spoke up when Greer offered him his ring. "Is it really necessary for me to wear one of these? I am, after all, a … brother."
"You have to set an example," said Greer stoically, eyes hooded and threatening. He handed Rush his ring, then gave Young his and moved on.
"Don't worry," Young muttered quietlywhen Greer was gone. "When you switch bodies, the ring doesn't come with you."
"Who the HELL would let me have sex in their body?"
"Not you," Young whispered scathingly. "But Telford and I have an arrangement. He's got his eye on this cute little brunette scientist."
Rush scanned the room. "Park?" he guessed.
"Hm, no."
"Gimme a hint."
"Park's the wrong gender."
Young walked away.