**Chapter eighteen**

The breakdown

*Hailey*

I didn't cry.

I hated crying, I hated how vulnerable you felt while crying, and I hated how everyone can tell that you've cried. I hated everything about crying.

I tried holding off crying over Ava as long as possible, and that meant a lot of booze. The days following Ava's death weren't the proudest days of my life. But that's okay, since I barely remember them. I had drunk every ounce of liquor in my house, and when I ran out I went to the bars.

I had avoided everyone for the three days following Ava's death. Elena, my mother, Damon, I even locked Ellie out of my room. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to mourn alone. Plus, I didn't want anyone to be around if I did cry.

On the Wednesday following Ava's death, I was at a local college bar about half an hour from Mystic Falls. I was staying clear from the Grill, in case Damon was there.

It was almost one o'clock in the morning; I was shit-faced drunk. Most people would find it very inappropriate that I was partying two days after one of my best friends died. But this was Ava who died- if she was still alive, she would be right next to me. She would be stealing my shots, telling guys to back the hell off, and holding back my hair when I vomited.

Besides, liquor was the only way to hold back the guilt that was eating me alive inside. If I didn't have that damn vision, Ava would be next to me. If I never came back to Mystic Falls, Ava would still be alive.

I was currently dancing on a bar table, to a country song that, if I was sober, I would've wrinkled my nose and change it. But drunken Hailey loved country.

"Yo soh hawt." The drunken college student slurred into my ear. If it was possible, he was drunker than me.

I ignored him, and kept dancing. Even when I was completely wasted, I stayed clear of frat boys. Besides, I just wanted to drink and dance by myself.

"Cah mon, baybee, lehts goh toh meh plash." He pushed, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I frowned at him, before pulling away. Being so drunk it was a miracle I was standing, I immediately lost my balance and fell off of my table.

I giggled as I fell, imagining that I was flying. I closed my eyes, a sloppy grin on my face, as I imagined that I was flying in the sky like a bird.

Before my drunken ass hit the ground, someone caught me.

"This is why you stay clear of tables when you're drunk, Hailey." A familiar voice said dryly into my ear.

"Day-mon!" I cheered, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him sloppily. He pulled away and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Hailey you smell and taste like a liquor store." He told me, as I kept grinning.

"I-I had a fow dranks." I told him seriously, leaning on him for support.

"Could have fooled me." he said sarcastically.

I shrugged, and then pulled him towards the dance floor in the small bar. Drunken college students surrounded us, and it was so loud you had to scream to have a conversation. Loud music filled the air, along with the stench of sweat, vomit, smoke, and stale beer.

"Cah-mon, Day-mon! Les daaance!" I shouted, giggling.

Damon didn't help me pull him to the dance floor, and instead pulled me back to him. "I'm going to take you home, Hailey." He said, pulling me towards the exit.

I frowned and shook my head like a four year old. "NO! I don wanna!" I pouted.

Damon rolled his eyes at me. "Hailey, I'm really not in the best mood right now. It's one in the morning, and I'm in some college bar that smells like vomit. I don't want to, but if I have to, I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here."

I still frowned, not wanting to leave. "Why arr yo heer den?" I asked stubbornly, still trying to pull away.

"Because you drunk dialed me an hour ago, and you sounded so wasted you might actually be in trouble, so I decided to come and get you." He told me.

I continued to try to get away. "I don wanna goh Day-mon!" I insisted.

"Heh! Lev hur aloon!"

Damon rolled his eyes as the drunk frat boy from earlier came to my rescue. Damon gave me a look, as if asking, "Who is this tool?"

"Go away before I kill you." Damon told him, clearly annoyed.

Frat boy didn't leave, and I kept struggling. Damon sighed, and muttered something about drunken humans. Within three seconds frat boy was unconscious on the floor and I was over Damon's shoulder.

"Day-mon! Lemme goh!" I shouted, hitting his back. Damon kept walking, ignoring me.

"She didn't by chance pay her tab, did she?" Damon asked the bartender, as I continued to kick and shout. Damon acted as if there wasn't a drunken psychic over his shoulder.

The young blonde girl shook her head, and Damon sighed again. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, and tossed a few bills onto the bar.

"Have a good night." He smirked at the girl, before walking out of the bar.

The cool night air sobered me up enough that my words weren't all mushed nonsense. "Put meh down, Damon." I muttered, though I stopped kicking.

"If I do that, you're going to fall on your ass." He rolled his eyes at me.

We were silent, as Damon unlocked his car and buckled me into the passenger side like I was a child. I was giving him the silent treatment, and just stared out of the windshield.

"You know, the silent treatment is more of an award than a punishment." Damon told me, as we drove back towards Mystic Falls.

I stayed silent, and Damon sighed. "You can be pissed at me all you want Hailey, but if I hadn't showed up you would probably have that tool's tongue shoved down your throat right now." He sounded bitter as he said it.

I didn't respond, and Damon gave up on making conversation. Almost twenty minutes went by, before Damon said softly, "This is about that Ava chick, right?"

I didn't answer, but a tear started rolling down my cheek. Damon sighed when he saw it, and brushed it away with his thumb.

He didn't say anything about my crying, and I didn't speak to him the rest of the ride home. But I did rest my head on his shoulder as he drove. He brushed my hair out of my face with his free hand, and I fell asleep to the sound of the car engine.

~LMF~

"Oh. My. God."

I have never had such a bad hangover in my life. It felt like something was trying claw its way out of my head. Suddenly, I covered my mouth and sprinted to my bathroom.

"Freaking college bars." I moaned, as I threw up the liquor I had gulped down last night.

After I was done vomiting, I lay down on the cool bathroom tile, and closed my eyes. This was the third time this week that I had a hangover that was worse than my usual ones, and the week wasn't even over yet.

I bit my lip when reality finally hit me, the bitter truth not mixing well with my hangover. I was going to literally drink myself to death, if I didn't stop now. I've had drinking issues for the better part of two years, but this was the first time it actually occurred to me that I was killing myself.

Slowly, I got up and made my way to the kitchen. I think that after I had my coffee, I would call Elena. She had been trying to get ahold of me for days, but I was avoiding her like everyone else.

As I got a huge cup of coffee, I noticed yet another damn note on the fridge. I groaned, and plucked it off before reading it.

Hailey-

I doubt you will read this, since you've locked yourself in your room and have been getting drunk since Avery died- very disgraceful and immature. But today is her funeral, at 3 P.M. I doubt you'll show up, but if you do please be sober.

-Holly

I sighed, crumpling up the note. I had to go to Ava's funeral- she'd haunt me until the day I died if I didn't.

Drinking my coffee, I walked back up to my room. I noticed Ellie asleep at my door, and sighed again. I had a lot of people to apologize to, starting with my cat.

"I'm sorry baby girl," I cooed, picking her up. "I haven't exactly been the best version of myself this week."

Ellie just purred, and I smiled. If only humans were as forgiving as cats. I put Ellie down on my bed, and then took a long look around my room. It was fairly obvious that I had been partying in my room, because of the bottles littering the floor, and all the smashed and destroyed items. I would have to clean that up later.

I went to my closet and picked out the black dress Ava bought me for my first date when I was fifteen. It was a little too sexy for a funeral, but I knew Ava would want me to wear it.

I walked into my bathroom, and flinched when I saw my reflection. My hair was a mess, my eyes were blood shot, my complexion oily, and I looked very hung over. The hot water helped sober me up, and I felt better when I came out of it.

Had to put on a lot of makeup, but I think that I did a good job hiding my hangover. It was a quarter to three by the time I was driving to the funeral. I wasn't looking forward to going, but I owed it to Ava. It was the least I could do, since I basically killed her.

~LMF~

"Hailey, I didn't think you would make it."

I forced a smile at Elena, as I sat down next to her. The funeral was just starting, and Elena had a very firm grip on Stefan's hand. I looked around for Damon, but he was nowhere to be found. I hadn't seen him since he brought me home from the bar last night.

"Ava would kill me if I didn't show up." I said, my head still pounding. I closed my eyes, as the minister started talking about how great Avery Marissa Forbes was. I didn't really pay attention, because I already knew all of it.

Elena gripped my hand, and I squeezed back. She was just as close to Ava as I was, but Elena was a crier. She grieved the healthy way, while I drank and got angry and threw stuff.

The funeral was over before in about an hour, and I started regretting that I came. It was just… too much. It was too big of a reminder of Ava, and my eyes started to water slightly. I blinked them away, and then followed Elena to the front of the church.

"Do you need a ride to the cemetery?" she asked, looking around for Stefan who seemed to disappear. I wondered if Damon had told his brother that I knew- I doubted it.

"Uh, I don't think I'm going to the burial." I bit my lip, and avoided Elena's brown eyes. She was an expert at knowing when I was hung over.

"Why not?" Elena frowned at me. We were alone in a corner of the church, and I awkwardly played with the necklace I was wearing.

"I just- I don't think I can handle it Elena." I told her honestly, staring at a picture of Jesus on the wall.

"Wait-"Elena grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look her in the eyes. "Are you hung over, Hailey?"

I didn't answer, but Elena knew the answer. She narrowed her eyes at me, and dropped her hands. "I can't believe you." She said, disgusted. "It's Ava's funeral, and you were out partying last night. Unbelievable."

I glared at her. "God, Elena, you don't know half of what I've been going through this week." I said, putting my hands on my hips.

"What, did the bars run out of bourbon?" she asked sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes at her. "I am in no mood for your holier-than-thou attitude, Elena. Yeah, I was out last night, but that is who I am, that's how I grieve!" I snapped.

Elena looked as if I slapped her. "When one of your oldest and closest friends dies, you don't go out and get hammered, Hailey. You cry, you mourn, and you remember all the good memories you have of them. You don't party!" she yelled, and we were starting to get looks.

"That's what you do, Elena. That's how you act. You're the normal, touchy-feely cheerleader, I'm not. I've never been, yet it feels like since I got here you've been trying to turn me into that person. When people I love die, I get drunk and try to hold off the pain until I can't anymore." I said, and Elena just stared at me.

Slowly shaking her head, she backed away from me. "I've put up with a lot from you, Hailey, but I can't deal with you being hung over at Ava's funeral." She told me.

Suddenly, a flower vase flew at Elena's head, and she just missed it. It smashed at her feet, and she stared at it. She didn't notice me shaking with anger, as I said coldly, "Then just don't deal with me at all, Elena."

I walked out of the church before I threw anything else at Elena. I drove fast and angrily towards what I thought was my house, but I slowed down when I saw a cross on the side of the road, with "Ava Forbes" written on it.

I exhaled loudly, before getting out of my car. I sat down across from the cross marking where Ava's body was found. People had placed flowers, pictures, balloons, and teddy bears there. But I pulled a half empty bottle of rum out of my purse and spilled some onto the ground.

"I miss you like hell Ava, I hope you know that." I told the air.

"I shouldn't be drinking- I think I have a problem." I told her cross, before smirking to myself. "I know, you'd have no idea if I didn't tell you."

I shrugged, before taking a little sip of rum. "I won't make you the only one drinking, Aves." I said to the sky. It looked like it might rain.

There was silence, as I emptied the bottle into the soil. "I hope you're happy, wherever you are Ava. I've never been a very religious person, but I hope you're in a place where you can get as drunk as you want with no hangover after."

More silence followed, as I stared at a picture of me and Ava. I was 15, and she was 17. She had gotten me drunk for the first time ever, and I was wasted. But we were both grinning in the way only drunken goofballs could.

I exhaled sharply, and closed my eyes. "I am so sorry, Ava. I'm sorry that you're dead. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. I'm sorry that I was out getting wasted the night of your death. I'm sorry that I'm just a shitty friend in general. But mostly, I'm just sorry that I killed you, that I'm the reason you're dead. I suck."

My eyes stung, as I opened them. I willed myself not to cry, as I grabbed the picture of me and Ava, and put it into my pocket. Then I stood up and ran to my car.

You're not going to cry, you're not going to cry, I kept telling myself, as rain started falling down from the sky.

Suddenly, I ran into a hard chest. I looked up to see Damon looking down at me, dressed in funeral attire. I took a deep breath, my eyes still stinging and my head still pounding.

"Hailey…" he sighed, as I started backing away from him.

"What, I'm fine." I tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. I wouldn't cry in front of Damon of all people.

But it was too much; everything was too much. Before I knew it, my emotions got the best of me, and tears were rolling down my face. I sobbed into my hands, and shook with tears. Damon just pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed into his chest.

He didn't say anything as I cried, just held me. But that was all I needed. I needed somebody to hold me as I finally broke down.

~LMF~

A/N: I hope you guys don't consider this a cliff hanger, because the original ending was more cliff hangery than this one. So I hope I get an A for trying! I've been told that I need to knock it off with the cliff hangers, so I'll try to stop it.

Thank you to: Samantha meyers, HawthorneTree, AudreyDarke96, Carrie9586, colleenrawr, aireagle92, and jacquline for reviewing!

I will love you if you review!

~Abby