UNEDITED

Chapter Three

Little Red Riding Hood

They walked into the lake house after the short, but silent car ride; Alexis had refused to comment, or allow Sam to question her, about the events of the previous evening.

- "Oh come on, Mom! You can't call me at SEVEN in the morning, have me pick you up from your booty call, and then hold out on me!"

Alexis glared at her daughter.

- "Excuse you, but that was NOT a 'booty call'—"

Sam put her hands on her hips.

- "Well, what was it then?"

Alexis rolled her eyes and walked to her room; Sam followed her.

- "Don't you have someplace to be?"

- "Nope—"

- "Sam, it's 7:30 in the morning and you're still in the same dress from last night. Don't you want to shower and change?"

Sam made herself comfortable on her mother's bed.

- "Yup, I'll get to that. I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened—"

Alexis shook her head and changed out of her dress into her bathrobe.

- "Sam, I don't have anything to say."

- "Oh come on, Mom! How don't you have anything to say? You and Mac, you spent the night… you were wearing the same dress from last night… your BRA was on the ground—"

- "Sam, I don't REMEMBER what happened last night! I was completely trashed. Are you happy? Now, honey, I need to shower, and you need to get off of my bed because even though I'm not sure what happened between Mac and I, you and Jason were… [ahem] occupied."

Sam yawned and got off the bed.

- "Sorry. I'm going home; call me later—"

Alexis shook her head and put her arm around her daughter's shoulder and led her out of her room. She pointed her to the direction of her old room.

- "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you're home—"

Sam looked at her mother; even though she would never openly admit it, she was still hurt that Alexis had kicked her out of the house twice in a row not too long ago. Alexis saw the look in her daughter's face.

- "Honey, I'm sorry for how I kicked you out a few weeks ago. I know that you were only trying to help your sister, and I was wrong for that. But, I don't want you to think that because of a mistake in judgment that this house isn't just as much yours as it is your sisters, okay?"

Sam smiled at her mother; she was grateful for the fact that she didn't have to go into an explanation of her feelings.

- "Okay, but I don't have anything to wear—"

- "Go check your closet, I'm sure there are a couple of things in there."

- "Thanks."

Alexis shook her head and watched as her eldest daughter walked toward the room that had always awaited her return.

Alexis had just stepped out of the shower when she heard her cell phone going off. She wrapped herself in her towel and went to answer it; it was Mac.

- "Hello?"

He cleared his throat on the other line.

- "Um, hi Lex."

Alexis reddened at the sound of his voice.

- "Hi, Mac. Wh-what can I do for you?"

- "I found an earring on my bed—I think it's yours."

Alexis laughed.

- "You think it's mine? Geez, Mac, how many women do you take to your bed?"

As uncomfortable as the conversation had been in the beginning, he could not help but laugh at Alexis' comment.

- "Well, if we count you, I guess that would make… um… one. I'm not the kind of guy to sleep around—"

He did not know why he gave her all of that information; it was not as though she liked him that was anyway. He smacked himself on the forehead.

- "I can't say I'm the type to sleep around either, but I must say that perhaps if you and I did… you would be the most sane and normal person I've been with in a long time. I guess that's assuming that you are sane and normal. I mean, I've known you for a while, but not like that… you know, in the biblical sense. Um, not that I'm saying that we've known each other in the biblical—"

- "Lex—"

She finished her sentence before shutting up. Her face burned.

- "Sense."

Mac loved to hear her ramble; it was endearing. It was one of the funny quirks about the usually quick thinking, sharp attorney; whenever she was nervous, she had a tendency to practically vomit whatever was on her mind.

- "Alexis, it's okay. I'm sure that we'll eventually figure out what happened—"

A thought suddenly came to her mind, but she was almost embarrassed to ask him about it.

- "Mac—"

- "Lex?"

She loved it when he called her 'Lex.' He had been doing it for years, but she never realized until recently how nice it sounded coming from him.

- "When you—when you found my earring… now you'll have to excuse me for asking—"

- "What?"

- "Did you happen to find a used condom—"

He spit out the coffee he had been drinking.

- "WHAT?"

She paced the room nervously.

- "Did you find a used condom anywhere in your bed… stuck on you—perhaps?"

He had been fighting a hangover from the time that he had awoken, but the conversation had taken a turn that made him feel as though he were stuck in the middle of the ocean on a tiny rowboat.

- "Um, no I didn't? Why?"

She could not believe that she was having this conversation with him.

- "Well, typically when people have sex without condoms, there's a chance of pregnancy—"

He was shocked at what he had just heard.

- "You can STILL get pregnant?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, he immediately regretted them. Alexis slammed the phone shut. It seemed that he had his own version of oral bulimia.

Alexis was livid over the fact that he would presume her so old as to not be able to have any more children.

- "God! He thinks I'm some kind of shriveled up old shrew. My eggs might not be as many, but damn it they're not stinky and rotten! They're still farm fresh. What an ass. I can't believe he told me that."

She pulled out a pair of sweatpants from her drawer and began to change. There was a single knock on the door, before it opened up.

- "GOD, MOM!"

Kristina covered her eyes in disgust. Alexis was getting sick and tired of receiving that kind of reaction at the sight of her body.

- "Yea, Kristina, cower in disgust; but let me tell you something, wait until YOU have children. Let's see what your body looks like then."

She finished getting dressed.

- "You can uncover your scarred eyes now, assuming you can still see from them; I clearly blinded you."

Kristina had not meant to hurt her mother's feelings; she just never liked seeing her in a state of undress.

- "Sorry—"

Alexis was still reeling from her conversation with Mac to realize that her daughter had apologized to her.

- "I swear, you people have your nerve. You think that a woman's body is supposed to look like some kind of Nirvana forever. Wait until you give birth to three, count them, THREE pain in the ass—no, I take that back, the only one that doesn't give me any trouble is Molly, but I'm just waiting for you and Sam to sick your teeth into her until she turns all evil—"

Kristina rolled her eyes.

- "Mom—"

Alexis continued.

- "I'm only 45 you know. I'm not some bitty with 25 cats and stringy hair! I'm sure that people would buy MY eggs. You know what, my eggs are more valuable now that they're fewer… HA! They're collector's items! Only a few left—"

Kristina could not help but laugh at the ridiculousness of her mother's rant. She decided to just walk out of the room before she heard something that was not meant for her ears.

- "Um, I'm gonna go. Sorry for screaming in shock, Mom. Um, you handle whatever's bothering you."

She pushed her daughter out of her way as she walked out of her own room towards the kitchen. She was getting a very bad headache; she needed her morning coffee.

After having her coffee, Alexis sat on the couch in the living room trying to think about what might have happened the night before. Although Mac was shocked that her well was not dry, she was nervous about that if something had happened, she might end up pregnant; granted she hadn't seen Aunt Flo in about two months, it certainly did not mean that she could not get pregnant. She fell asleep on the couch for a few hours.

- "Mom."

She was being shaken awake.

- "What?"

- "It's one in the afternoon."

She opened her eyes to see Sam standing in front of her.

- "So?"

Sam pulled her up by the arm.

- "Diane called, she's going to be here in a few minutes. She might be able to help you with your mystery—"

Alexis rubbed her eyes and yawned.

- "Mystery?"

Sam nodded her head.

- "Yea, how the hell you got to Mac's—"

Alexis made a face.

- "Don't mention that man's name to me again."

Sam frowned as she grabbed her mother's empty coffee mug and brought it into the kitchen.

- "What happened?"

Before she could respond someone was knocking on the door. Alexis went to get it.

- "Hi Diane."

Diane smiled at her best friend before making a face.

- "Hi honey, you look like crap—"

Alexis threw her hands up in the air.

- "Is today the 'Make Alexis Feel Like Sh!t' day?"

Diane gave her friend a hug.

- "I'm sorry! I was only partially kidding. I mean, you look like you had an exciting night—"

Sam walked back into the living room.

- "Hey Diane."

- "Hey toots. I was just telling your mother that she looks like she had an exciting evening—"

Sam smiled at Alexis, who was still frowning.

- "What's wrong?"

Diane brought the lunch bag into the house and placed it on the dining table.

- "I might have hurt your mommy's feelings—"

Sam was very protective of her mother; she had hurt her enough times. She had made a vow to herself that she would be the best daughter that she could be when she realized how fragile life was after Alan Quartermaine died.

- "What did you do to her?"

Alexis grabbed Sam's arm.

- "Honey, it's fine. I'm just extra sensitive today."

- "Well, what happened?"

- "It's only one o'clock, and I've already scarred Mac and Kristina, and Diane just confirmed why: I look like crap."

Sam glared at Diane.

- "Are you kidding me, Mom? You look great! What happened?"

Diane began laying out the food.

- "First, Mac nearly had a brain aneurysm at the sight of my naked body—"

A plate fell from Diane's hand onto the table.

- "NAKED? HE SAW YOU NAKED? So you DID do the deed?"

Alexis stared at Diane in disbelief.

- "Wait, what? What are you talking about? Do you know something about this?"

- "What you don't remember?"

Alexis folded her arms and stared at her best friend.

- "Well, clearly not, Diane. Enlighten me."

Flashback

After Alexis, clearly drunk out of her mind, called her to join Kate and her, Diane stopped by Jake's after the reception. Kate was nowhere to be found, and neither was Coleman for that matter. Diane found Mac and Alexis sitting at a table… rather, she found Mac sitting at the table, with Alexis sitting in his lap.

- "Whoa there little cowboy and girl. What's going on here?"

Alexis blushed slightly and got off from Mac's lap.

- "Sorry, Di! … Oh my God! I'm so happy to see you! I haven't seen you in so long!"

Diane laughed and shook her head.

- "Actually, you saw me this morning when we met up for breakfast before you went off to do your community service."

Alexis swayed in her spot for a few seconds.

- "Oh yea!"

Diane looked around the bar; it was practically empty save for a few stragglers.

- "Um, where's Kate?"

Alexis smiled and covered her mouth as she laughed to herself for a few minutes.

- "She's with Coleman."

Diane was repulsed.

- "COLEMAN? Oh my God! How could a fashion maven such as Kate Howard go with… with… a moonshine maker?"

Alexis had not heard anything Diane had said as Mac had begun to move his hand up and down her spine.

- "Oh Mac—"

Diane moved Alexis away.

- "You sir, are—are—you sir are committing a—a battery! She is too INEBRIATED to consent to your advances—"

Mac stood up and smiled.

- "And I'm not in my right mind right now, so it cancels out—"

He walked away and smacked Alexis on the butt.

- "Oh!"

Diane pulled her best friend aside.

- "What the hell are you doing?"

Alexis tapped her on the nose.

- "And what are YOU doing? Aren't you the one sleeping with a Mobguard?"

- "Mobguard, Alexis?"

Alexis nodded her head.

- "Yup. You know what I mean! Sonny's force field, Max Giambetti! Well, I'm just having fun with the lawguard—"

Diane shook her head.

- "Lawguard?"

Alexis smiled proudly.

- "I'm with the guardian of the law as opposed to the guardian of the crime boss!"

- "You're not even WITH him Alexis—"

She shrugged her shoulders.

- "No matter. Now, I need you to take Mac home."

- "Where's Robin and Patrick?"

- "They left! Mac refused to leave."

Diane was not about to leave the commissioner in the bar like some kind of wino, and she definitely was not leaving Alexis sitting there with him.

- "Fine, let's go."

xo xo xo xo xo

When Diane pulled up to Mac's house, she tried to stop Alexis from leaving the car, but her attempts were unsuccessful.

- "Diane, I GOT this! I'm above the age of consent."

Diane rolled her eyes.

- "In the state of New York, you're on your way to being three times the age of consent."

Alexis frowned.

- "Shut up."

Diane sighed; she figured that while her best friend had not gotten any in some time, the likelihood of success that night between a drunk Alexis and an even drunker Mac would be slim to none, so she relented.

- "Fine, Alexis. You're an adult, but make sure that when you wake up in shock tomorrow morning, you don't come screaming at me."

Alexis gave Diane a juicy kiss on the cheek.

- "I love you!"

- "Thanks for the slobber, Lex."

As she watched Alexis run after Mac, Diane called out.

- "Lex, don't forget to make sure he straps up!"

Alexis blushed in embarrassment.

- "Shhhh… Diane!"

End of Flashback

- "And that's what happened."

Sam had tears from laughter rolling down her face as Alexis looked beyond mortified.

- "You've got to be kidding me."

Diane took a sip from her wine glass.

- "Nope. I swear to you on Chief Justice Marshall's grave, that I speak the truth."

Sam was in stitches, earning herself glares from her mother.

- "Will you stop cackling?"

- "Mom, I'm sorry, but I really wish I would've been there to see you that wasted!"

Alexis smacked Sam across the head.

- "Shut up."

Diane shook her head; she would have laughed herself but seeing as she had previously hurt Alexis' feelings, she figured she would keep her mouth shut.

- "So, um, Mac saw you naked?"

Alexis covered her face at the thought of his reaction.

- "Yes. We both woke up that way—"

Sam gagged.

- "I think I just vomited in my mouth."

That comment earned her another smack across the head.

- "Samantha, don't you have something to do today? Like go to Jason's?"

Sam rolled her eyes.

- "Now you want me over there?"

- "If it'll get me some peace and quiet, then yea. Anyway, I don't know what happened last night, but all I know is that he called me this morning and told me that I left my earring—"

Diane pursed her lips in amusement.

- "Ooo."

- "ANYWAY… I thought to myself that I didn't remember seeing a condom anywhere—"

Sam covered her ears.

- "Oh my God, I never thought that I would be sitting here having this conversation with my mother."

Alexis pulled Sam's hands from her ears.

- "Will you relax? I asked him about it. Do you know what he said to me?"

Both women reacted, waiting to hear the awful thing Mac said that sent Alexis into a rage.

- "Hey said, you can STILL get pregnant? I mean, I'm not some old fart! I've still got some eggs in my basket. There may not be as many as there used to be, but damn it, they're still there! "

Diane shook her head and looked at Alexis.

"Face it Lex, Mac recognizes that Little Red Riding hood isn't coming around as much."

Sam and Alexis looked at each other questioningly; neither understood Diane's metaphor.

- "Um, what?"

Diane put her fork down and looked at the women.

- "When you're younger, Little Red Riding Hood is young and naïve. Each month she makes that trip to her grandmother's house. Every time she gets there, however, she keeps getting tricked by the wolf."

Alexis rolled her eyes in disgust.

- "Diane, are you trying to say that every month, when she gets tricked by the wolf, he eats her, and the result is our period?"

Diane snapped her fingers and took a sip of her drink.

- "Blood and guts, my friend."

Sam could not help but laugh at the ridiculous metaphor.

- "And wait, let me take a shot at this: Mom's Little Red Riding Hood finally got wise about the wolf?"

Diane shook her head before taking a final bite of her salad.

- "Nope, Little Red stopped coming by because grandma's dead."

Alexis could not believe that she was entertaining Diane's ridiculous train of thought.

- "And what about the wolf? What happened to him?"

Diane stood up and put her jacket on.

- "He moved on, but you gave birth to three of his spawn."

Alexis covered Sam's mouth as her daughter was about to prove how much of a wolf's spawn she could be.