Disclaimer: Still don't own the characters or any show references
Warning: Self loathing and sadness and anger
A/N: Thank you for reading and for the reviews! I love all my readers!
There was a time when Castiel didn't even understand what loneliness meant. He always had his brothers and sisters. He came into existence with their chatter in his head and their presence a mere thought away. Even as he was falling and the Winchesters were too busy to call him, he never felt completely alone because he still had faith in his father. Here in this small white room, even when he is surrounded by other patients, nurses, and doctors; Cas has never felt more alone in his life.
He killed so many of his brothers and sisters, even those who were his friends. He doesn't even believe that he has the right to pray anymore. Cas is certain that his Father has completely abandoned him. Not that Cas blames him for doing so; it is only right after the self-proclaimed God incident. Dean and Sam, well after what Cas had put them through, they also left him. Everyone he had held so dear to him is gone. So, Castiel can faithfully say he has fully grasped the idea of being alone.
"Oh come on Cassie! Don't be so melodramatic. It's so boring." Lucifer popped into existence on sitting on top of Cas's bed beside him. Cas rolled his eyes and stared at the ceiling. It has been an entire month since Cas has been in the psych ward and sadly he is starting to get use to Lucifer. The pompous fallen angel alleviated the boredom and loneliness, when he wasn't torturing Cas. This was about .05% of the time he was around. The rest of the time Lucifer seems to thrive at the challenge of driving Castiel insane.
"What can I say little brother; you're a tough nut to crack. I'm a little proud of you, but don't think for one second that I will give up. You will break by my hand. I'm just getting started." It was a threat Cas was not looking forward to seeing it come true. He didn't know when it would happen, but Lucifer had an eternity to figure it out.
Lucifer's face hovered above Cas a few feet away, blocking out the view of the ceiling. Satan stared at Cas. Cas stared back. Satan smiled at Cas. Cas remained stoic. Satan sighed and rolled his eyes. "You know by this time Sam at least talked to me when Dean wasn't around." Cas turned on his side and stared at the wall. A month of one sided conversations with the Devil and Cas has grown a bit immune to what he says. He has yet to reply and hasn't cried since the first week. Still sometimes Lucifer will manage to hit the right button to make Cas flinch.
The door to his opened, Cas and Lucifer looked toward the intrusion. Meg walked in wearing the normal nurse uniform and holding up a notebook. She looked at Castiel and smirked. "Well hello to you buttercup. Still not talking to anyone? Didn't think so, but you know what they say, hope springs eternally. Stupid meat suits obviously they have never been to hell."
Lucifer started to laugh and Cas glanced back towards him. Meg followed his eye at what looked to be nothing. "Ahh you're still seeing my former boss everywhere? Tell Daddy dearest I said hi." Lucifer appeared by Meg and eyed the she demon with appreciation. "I like her Cassie. She has sass." Cas glared at both of them. He doesn't like Meg and if Lucifer liked her it was all the more reason to hate her. "Anyway feathers, I know you've gone all Loony Tunes on me, but I really need you to attempt to replace those screws loose in your brain and think. I need some dirt on your favorite demon boyfriend Crowley. So, since you won't talk to anyone I brought you a gift because I'm such a damn giver." Meg set the notebook down on the table. "If you remember anything about that son of a bitch, you write it down and you won't even have to break your random vow of silence."
Cas looked at the notebook and back up at Meg as she walked out the door. Slowly he lifted himself off the bed and walked over to the table. For a while he just stood there staring at the notebook. He didn't trust Meg. It took most of his self-control not to smite the demon where she stood. The only thing that stopped him was that Dean left her here to watch over him. If Dean trusted her to look after him then Cas should respect that decision. He still trusted Dean's judgment.
"And look where that landed you, brother." Lucifer said right behind him, causing Cas to jump just a little. He whipped around and pegged Satan with a glare that clearly stated, I want to banish your existence from this world. "Don't try to deny it. Your pathetic obsession with Dean Winchester has caused you to rebel against your entire lifestyle. Which in turn got you kicked out of heaven, caused a civil war in heaven, thousands of deaths, and you pumping yourself full of souls to save a species that you don't even fully understand, all for a one stupid vessel. Despite all of that you still have trust in that man's judgment."
Cas drew a shaky breath and slammed his hand on to the table. His stomach turned and his lungs constricted. Don't listen, don't listen to Lucifer. It's not worth it. Cas has to stay strong, it's the only way he can somewhat survive. His hand clenched into a fist and began to shake. Dean was the right person to trust. They saved so many and stopped the apocalypse twice. Dean deserved to be trusted. Dean earned his loyalty. "Oh did I press a button? But wait I'm not done yet Cassie listen up. Ever since Dean Winchester came into your life, you have given up everything for him. You did everything for him. You even gave up your sanity for his brother's sake. Still it didn't matter how much you sacrificed because the one time you asked him to back your decision he plotted different ways to kill you. He never trusted you. That is the man you defied your family for." Lucifer quietly said as his hands reached out to touch Cas's back. Cas stopped breathing as Lucifer's hands rested on the spots where his wings would have connect to his back.
Jerking away from the Devil, Cas backed away to the other side of the room. His back bumped into the wall and Cas's knees gave out. He fell to the floor. Cas leaned against the wall, brought up his knees, and covered his ears with his hands. Block Lucifer out. Cas may have thought those things in the past, but he never believed them. Dean didn't make these decisions for him. They were all Cas's choices. It's not Dean's fault. It's his fault. Cas did this to himself. He obviously couldn't be trusted to make good decisions. His judgment was flawed. He was wrong, not Dean.
Cas rested his head against his knees and began to rock just a little. He squeezed his eyes shut and kept his hands pressed against his ears; trying desperately to block out Lucifer's laughter in the background. This was his choice. His choice.
A/N: Alright another chapter done and it's a little longer! Not quite sure how I feel about this chapter though. So once again Reviews are lovely insights. How did you guys like Meg? Is Cas to emotional? I like how Luci turned out but let me know if you think other wise.