Disclaimer: I sadly still don't own anything Supernatural related
Warning: This chapter is a little different and took me forever to write. Please dont kill me! Oh, Sam and Dean kinda make an appearence.
A/N: Yes, this is my first fanfic. I've thought about writing one before, but never went through with it. I'm bound to make some mistakes, so feel free to tell me if you think I have.
He hasn't touched the notebook. In fact, Cas tries to ignore that it has been in his room for two and a half weeks. He doesn't want to help Meg with anything and he doesn't know what else he could write about. So, he ignores its existence or at least attempts too. However, no matter how many times he pushes it from his mind it always pops back up to haunt him. Some days he'll just have a random flashback to John's journal and other days Lucifer does nothing but talk about it. Cas can't escape it. He doesn't throw it away, because Meg will just come back with a new one. If there was a possibility he could avoid interaction with Meg he would.
"You know you could just write in it. I know shocking revelation, but it is true." Lucifer stated as he leaned against the table by the notebook. Cas just glared at him. It's been two months and he is quite proud that he hasn't talked to Satan yet. In fact, Cas hasn't spoken to anyone in two months. The nurses are nice enough, other patients seem to want to talk, and all the doctors want him to talk, but he has serious doubts that any of them would actually listen. So, it has been nothing but silence for him for two months. Besides talking to anyone would just add more fuel to the hellfire he calls Lucifer.
As it is Cas believes that he has given everybody enough reasons to hate him without Satan's input. Father knows he hates himself enough for everybody else. "Yes, yes we all know about your self-hatred; now on to something new shall we? Such as what are you going to write in that little notebook of yours? You do realize that if you don't write anything Meg and the Doctors will start stepping in." Oh yes, Cas had thought about that. He didn't think medicine would be a good choice, especially with him. The thought of numbing himself was worrisome. If medicines were the only way to shut out the world, then they had to come with a consequence. Cas didn't know what that would be, but he didn't want to find out.
Lucifer started snicker, then he started chuckling, and finally he just busted with laughing. "I forget how insanely naïve you are to the human world. I don't think meds are going to be your problem, but I am just a humble Devil offering advice."
Cas rolled his eyes, never trust Satan. In fact he shouldn't even be paying attention to him. He needs to figure out a solution to his latest problem. What to write about? The doctors want him to write down what his visions are saying and doing. Meg wants Crowley information. Honestly, he didn't want to write about either. Writing about Lucifer makes him feel weak, plus the Devil constantly talks. Cas would never be able to stop writing, which wasn't ideal. Meg's option was also one he was cautious about. As long as Meg was here then Cas could keep an eye on her. She wouldn't be out in the world hurting others and most importantly she was away from the Winchesters.
The door slammed open and Meg sauntered in. She glanced at Cas and went straight to the notebook. Cas watched as she opened it and let it close. She turned to face him. Slowly she brought her hand to her temple and rubbed it. Cas went back to staring at the wall. "Ok sourpuss listen up. I understand that you're fighting Luci in your head right now, but I need you to write or talk about Crowley. So, come on big boy, focus the insanity to help me. You would also be helping Sam and Dean, and I know how much you love helping your bestest friends. Just avoid going Patrick Bateman or Tyler Durden crazy ok." Meg said walking over to him. Cas gave her a look that clearly stated I don't understand that reference and went back to the wall. Lucifer on the other hand started nodding his head and said, "If you do go for one, I prefer Tyler Durden crazy that way you have that realization moment in the end."
Cas huffed and turned the away from Meg and Satan. He didn't want to deal with this right now. Well to be fair he never really wanted to deal with this at all, he was just fed up. "Fine then lover boy if you want to play like that I guess I'll have to play dirty. It's the only way a demon knows how to play and this being nice crap is seriously damaging my rep." Cas heard the demon fumbling with something. He wasn't going to look. He wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Meg sighed and said, "Hello Sammy boy! You see your angel friend and I are having a bit of a problem and I need your help. Just make sure that macho jackass can hear me as well." He stiffened. It was just a trick. The Winchesters haven't made any contact in two months. Cas had somewhat come to grips with the fact that they left.
"Alright Meg we're here. What's wrong with Castiel?" Sam's voice echoed through the room.
"Now boys you've called every week to check up on Wing boy, but what did the doctors actually tell you."
Cas stopped breathing. They had called. They checked in on him. It was such a comfort, a relief. "That he's state hasn't changed much, but they are hopeful and there's no cause for alarm." Sam said rather fast.
"It's true, but did they tell you that he hasn't spoken at all. Not one measly word since you left his ass here. I don't even think he's talking to the Satan vision he has going on. Hell, he won't even write anything down. Not even to help me or you and the doctors they're getting worried. You see boys; he won't even look at other people for more than a few seconds. He just spends his time staring at the wall or ceiling. The Doctors are talking about moving him to an asylum." Meg smiled at him as she told the hunters.
"What the hell, Meg? You're supposed to be looking after him!" Dean's voice shot through the phone. Cas whipped towards Meg. His heart started to race and he gripped the bed. He could hear Dean and Dean seemed to actually care. It was more than he could ask for. It was more than he allowed himself to hope.
Lucifer started to laugh. "You look like a dog that just smelled his owner. Sorry I forgot that's basically what you are; Dean's little pet." Cas ignored Lucifer and kept staring at the phone in Meg's hand.
"Hey if he doesn't want to tell me anything, then I'm just wasting my time here." The demon retorted.
Sam sighed over the phone, "Look, Lucifer is probably doing a number on him even as we speak. It's probably 10x worse than what he put me through, because Cas can't die on him. Just give him a bit more time. He'll come around." At that the blonde smiled fondly, "Aww I have Sammy's vote of confidence. Well, I suppose he does have firsthand experience."
"Besides if you leave now you'll never get anything on Crowley. Cas has… he has important information for the both of us. If you leave him alone now, I guarantee you that you will never know whatever inside knowledge Cas knows. So just shut up and do your job." Dean's growled before apparently hanging up. Meg shrugged and looked at Cas. She then smirked and just pointed at the notebook before walking back out of the room.
Cas couldn't move. He felt as if someone had turned him into a statue. Information. Dean had said that he was to be looked after because of information. The eldest Winchester didn't care about Cas, only the information he had. Every single piece of him that had just been happy to hear his voice, died. He felt as if there was a hole in his chest. It was overwhelming. It ached.
"Don't act so surprised little brother. It's not as if they did something out of the ordinary. The Winchesters have always used you for information and insight. They've never called you unless they needed something from you. So, why should that change just because you've been locked up in the loony bin?" Lucifer exclaimed while patting Cas on the head. It pissed him off. What right did Lucifer have to judge Dean? The Devil had didn't know who Dean really was or the friendship between himself and Dean. Cas punched the bed in frustration. Lucifer had no idea. He didn't understand anything about them. Cas let his hand unclasp and thought about the conversation he just heard. On the other hand maybe Cas didn't know Dean as well as he thought.
A need rose inside of Cas. It had been growing for some time now, but he had always hid it. Now it was too much. It was suffocating and oppressing. Cas had to do something about it. Between Dean only caring about information and Lucifer's taunts, Cas had to have some way to direct his thoughts and emotions. He wanted an outlet. It was getting too heavy for him. For the first time Cas wanted someone to listen to him. He didn't want someone to edit out what they didn't want to hear. After two months of silence Castiel needed to be heard. However, he still wanted to help.
He wanted Dean to know everything he had been holding back for the past four years. All the things he didn't say, in order to protect them, to save them, in honor of them. Cas wanted to share it all. The doubts, the pain, the emotions, the problems, and the consequences, all of the stuff Cas had put up with because of Dean. He just wanted Dean to understand what exactly he went through and is still going through. Somehow Cas also just wanted to be useful to the boys. Knowing that he could still help gave him hope. He should be angry that they use him, but Cas himself wants to be used.
The doctors were right. He needed to write about what's going on with Lucifer or it will drive him mad. It has already driven him to start doubting the bond between himself and Dean. Cas has had enough of people getting between them. So, now he knows how to use the notebook. He would write all the stuff Lucifer says and add in all the information he knows. It made sense, if Cas gave the notebook to the Winchesters, then Dean would get his information and see how the Devil is taunting him with his past fears.
Cas stood up from the bed and walked over to the desk. He wasn't going to ask for forgiveness, he wasn't going to plead to redeem himself. He refuses to do that again. He just wants to help Dean and himself. Even Sam had managed to hunt for a while after the wall came down, so he could find a way to write down what was needed. Cas sat down and opened the notebook to the first page. He felt as Lucifer came to stand beside him, "So, you're going to start a journal about all the bad things I say to you about your past. A little teenage girlish Castiel, but it can be effective. Oh, but this could be fun. Now that you're giving this to them, I need to up my game. I haven't even begun to show you what torture, I can release." Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even if doing this resulted in more pain for him, Dean needed to know these things. Opening his eyes, Cas pressed the pen to the paper and let his hand fly.
A/N: Please don't kill me! I was rewatching some of the episodes and I realized that my character Cas was lacking something highly important. His fight. Even in 7x17 when he realized who he was, he argued with Dean and he did a number on the demon who was electrocuting Sam. I let him have two months of self loathing and pity, but I thought it would be best if he went back to his nature of being a warrior. In my mind that's who Cas is; a warrior who would do anything for Dean. So, i'm starting to give Cas his fight back and believe me Lucifer will try to break him.
Anyways please Review to let me know what you think about Cas, Meg, Lucifer, and of course the Winchesters. (and yes Cas totally misunderstood Dean just so you know)