Disclaimer: Still don't own anything!
Warning: All the feels! Oh and there is probably some grammer mistakes. If so, i'm sorry!
A/N: I heart my readers! You guys are so awesome! I hope you like this chapter. Oh and thank all of you who review you guys are my saviors.
Cas let his eyes close for the first time since he started writing in the notebook. It had been one month, but to him it felt like years. The doctors tried to take it away to analyze it. Cas wouldn't let them. He didn't want anybody but Sam and Dean to read what he had wrote down. He had written to look like a journal of Lucifer's antics, however if read carefully, the reader would find all the other information he stored in there. Which is why the doctors couldn't be trusted. It is also why he wouldn't let Meg near it. She was neither amused nor happy with this development. She had tried on numerous occasions to take the notebook, but Cas thought she was a little afraid of what he would do in retaliation. It was justifiable. Cas knew that if she took the notebook, he would smite her.
The doctors and Meg were the least of his worries. Lucifer is on a rampage. Ever since Cas started writing, the Devil seems to think it was a challenge to make him stop. It started out small, with him throwing black cats, or singing some of the songs Dean use to play, however as the weeks progressed the antics became worse. Lucifer started bringing "friends" to their conversations. In the past two weeks, Cas had to face Rachel, Balthazar, and Gabriel. He knew it was all in his mind, but the pain was immense. The things they said, the looks they gave, all of it was horrendous.
Gabriel was the first to show up, Rachel a few days afterwards, and then Balthazar just two days ago. Cas was still in pain from that last visit. He had loved them all. Gabriel had saved the boys, Rachel had helped him against Raphael and Balthazar was his closest friend beside Dean. They all came the same way. He would be working in the notebook and Lucifer would show up with one of them. Always together and the Devil would just sit there and smile. The questions were the hardest part. They all wanted an explanation. Cas couldn't give them one. He would just stare at them as they judged him. He felt frozen in place, unable to do anything but feel the guilt of his actions.
They never stayed long, an hour maybe, an hour of grief, pain, and regret. Lucifer never stayed quiet. The Devil would throw in his input to spur on the others. At the end they would walk over to Cas and put their hand over his heart and disappear. He never really thought it would hurt this much. He never really thought much about pain before this. Cas had killed Rachel and Balthazar with his own hands and basically forced Gabriel into a war he didn't want to be in. Their deaths were on his hands. Lucifer was taking his biggest regrets and literally shoving them in his face. Cas didn't want to face them again. He was ashamed that they died, while he was still alive. Still after all of that Cas would not stop writing. This was for Dean and Sam. He could still help out the only living beings he cared about. So, despite the never ending torture and the fact he couldn't stop his hands from trembling, he wrote on. The notebook was almost half way done. Cas couldn't stop now, not when he was going to make a difference. His pain didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was helping Dean. It was the least he could do.
Cas set down his pen and flexed his hand. Looking at it, he saw the ink stains on his fingers and the slight tremor. If he concentrated it would stop, but it took effort he wasn't willing to put forth. Sighing and putting his head in his hands, Cas rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to get a headache. It wasn't uncommon. He had spent the last 8 hours hunched over scribbling line after line. Slowly, Cas stood up, stretching his cramped muscles. He took in the bare room around him. Lucifer hadn't bothered him for the past 30 minutes. Something was wrong. Well, at least Satan was planning something. Cas could pretty much guarantee that he wouldn't enjoy it.
Being confined into this room with the Devil had taught him a lot of things. Now Cas could say he understood what it was like to miss something. In fact he misses a lot of things now. He misses heaven (the one from when he was younger), he misses the outdoors, his brothers and sisters, he misses his father even more now, and he longs for Sam and Dean. Cas misses things he never gave a thought too in the past. Things like the weird wallpaper in whatever motel the Winchester's were staying at, the confusion and frustration that came in the form of a cellphone, the smell of alcohol and old books that always clung to Bobby's house. He missed his life.
The door to his room swung open and Cas slowly turned towards it. He froze. His stomach filled with cement and his breath caught in his throat. Cas was pretty sure everyone within a mile could hear how loud and fast his heart was beating. All of these things happened, simply because Dean Winchester was walking into his room. Dean in all his rugged, leather glory and unrelenting gaze. Three months and here he was, and Cas seemed to forget how to work his mouth and his face. He had never seen such a beautiful sight. It was like the haze went away and he could finally see clearly again. Dean came to see him! It's more than he ever hoped for.
"What the hell man? We've been asking for months for some information and you start writing about what Lucifer is doing to you? Do you think I give a damn what that winged bastard is saying in your head?" Dean's voice was rough and harsh as he spat the words at him.
Cas flinched and took a step back, but Dean kept going. "Sam went through the same thing because of you. Don't think you're going to get any damn sympathy points from me because you lost your chance for those the moment you started working with Crowley. I can't believe you man. You said you wanted to redeem yourself, to fix this and now you're just sitting hear twiddling your goddamn thumbs, while me and Sammy try to clean up your mess." The angel hung his head. He should have known that Dean would still be mad. Anyone would still be mad.
"What did you think I would forgive you after you fixed Sam? You were damn well obligated to fix him. You still have a lot of other things to make up for as well. Ever since the day you walked into that barn, spouting that 'I'm and angel of the lord' bullshit; you've done nothing but give me trouble." It was true. Everything Dean was saying was all true. Cas had brought so many problems down on his friend's shoulder. "Can't you stop being so damn selfish and actually help me for once? Is that too much to ask? Are you too good to help us lowly humans now? Well, news flash you're a dick. You are no better than the demons you partnered up with."
Cas felt as though someone had punched him in the stomach repeatedly. He wanted to interrupt Dean and explain. He wanted to tell the hunter that he was writing down everything he thought could help them. He was trying to help. Cas wanted to stop Dean just to prove to him that he wasn't acting high and mighty. Honestly he was just trying to be useful. He didn't want Dean to hate him. Cas wanted to say something, anything, but it was as though he had no voice. At the sound of footsteps, Cas jerked his head up. Dean was walking towards him. The hunter's face was filled with hate. Cas backed away until he hit the wall. Dean kept walking until he was a foot away from him. He whimpered expecting to be hit or stabbed. "So, many people have died because of you. How many more have to die until you are willing to help? Or is it that you just don't want to help me? Fuck you. You don't get a choice."
Dean brought up his hand and poked Cas's chest. "I keep you here for your own damn protection and I can just as soon let the Demons and Angels have you. You should show me some respect." The words startled him. They were just like what he had said to Dean four years ago. Did Dean remember? It seemed like a lifetime ago now. Dread filled Cas, is that how he sounded back then? So full of contempt, so distant and inhumane… no wonder why Dean was so suspicious of him.
"If you don't have any information then I'm just wasting my time with you. We're done." Dean turned to leave. Cas started to panic. He couldn't let Dean leave like this. If the hunter walked out now then he would never know about the notebook, about the information, about Cas trying to help. He couldn't walk out like this. Cas didn't want this to end like last time. He didn't want leave Dean angry and disappointed at him. So, Cas did the one thing he could think of to keep the hunter here. He grabbed Dean's arm. He held his human exactly where he first did back in hell. Where the scar of his hand print use to be. Dean turned to look at him. Green met blue and Dean smirked. Cas opened his mouth prepared to say whatever he had to, to make Dean stay, but something happened. Dean's features and even his clothing seemed to slowly melt away. Cas dropped his arm and pressed tighter against the wall. He watched in horror as Dean melted into a new form. Cas's heart dropped as he looked into the new smiling face of Lucifer.
"What's wrong little brother? If you didn't want me to leave you should have just said so. You didn't have to grab on to me so tightly." The Devil exclaimed howling with laughter.
Cas felt the realization sink in. It was never Dean in the first place. It was Lucifer; all of it was that evil bastard. There was a sudden onslaught of emotions pouring over him. He felt stupid, angry, and most of all helpless. He had been so happy, when he thought Dean had come see him. Now all he feels is pain. It's too much; Cas can't deal with all of this. He had dealt with Satan bringing the dead back to haunt him, but this was more than he could bear. Lucifer wore Dean's face. His Dean. All of those things he said, all of those accusations. Cas had never felt a pain quite like this before. It hurt in places he didn't even know could hurt.
There was an intense pressure on his chest. It grew heavier and heavier as Lucifer kept laughing. Cas felt his entire body start to quiver. He knees buckled and he hit the floor. "Oh Cassie you should see the look on your face. Moments like this are why I'm around." Satan sighed happily as he crouched down in front of Cas. Looking at the smiling blonde, Cas felt every good feeling drain from him. He was alone with Lucifer feeling more helpless than he's ever been. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw things, but most of all he wanted all of this to go away. He wasn't strong enough for this.
Cas had to know something. It was going to bug him until he got an answer. He licked his lips and looked Lucifer straight in the eye. "W-why?" Oh father, Cas hardly recognized the sound of his own voice. It was still low and rough, but there was something else. He sounded broken. He guessed it matched how he felt. Broken inside and out. On the other hand one word had stopped the Devil's laughter. His older brother looked shocked and then a grin spread across the fallen angel's face.
"He speaks! O speak again, bright angel!" The taunting jest from Lucifer made Cas scowl. It was all just a game to the Devil. A game that Cas was losing. He sucked in a breath and asked the question he knew would hurt him. "Why Dean?"
"Oh come now little brother, you must be joking. No, no you're not you don't understand humor." Cas just glared at the laughing blonde. He silently wished he could strangle the man. He sat there waiting for Lucifer to contain himself. This was getting exceedingly annoying. Lucifer looked at Cas straight in the eye and got serious. "The only thing that has ever affected you is Dean Winchester. You could look at a child dying at your feet and be impassive, but one word from Dean-o and you stop thinking logically and start thinking with your emotions. It's all rather sad really."
If Cas had been thinking rationally, he would have figured that out by himself. As it was, at the moment Cas couldn't think at all. He felt like nothing but a jumble of emotions. So, instead of having an intelligent retort, he said the first thing he thought of, "I hate you." There was no passion about it. It was just a calm statement.
"Oh I know you do Cassie, I know."
The broken angel sighed staring at his trembling hands and said quietly, more to himself than anyone else, "I hate myself."
A/N: Ok i'm not going to lie I felt evil when I wrote this chapter. No, really I felt like a dick for doing that to Cas. Things will lighten up eventually, I promise. Oh and no Dean isn't going to be that much of a dick. Dean is always somewhat of a dick, but i don't want him to be down right mean to Cas. So, if you have any comments or concerns please, please review! Even if it's to tell me that i'm a dick, that's fine.