Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural related.
Warning: Sad moments, cruel moments, I promise it shall get more slashy as the chapters progress.
A/N: Woot chapter six is finally up! Hello my loves I hope you enjoy the newest update. I'm sorry I couldn't get it up earlier. Please vote in the poll I have up on my profile. And for the love of all that is good please review. Reviews mean better chapters hopefully. I loved this chapter but it was hard to write. Reviews=Love :)
Cas stared at the ceiling. He was lying on his bed with his hands behind his head. He had taken a break from writing, mostly because Lucifer hadn't stopped bugging him for the past two days. They had made a deal that Cas would stop writing for an hour and Luci would make him scarce. It seemed like a good idea at the time, however the more he thought about it; the more he thought that the Devil was most likely planning something. Though Cas highly doubted that Satan would manage something worse than what he had been doing for the past week.
After Cas's impromptu declaration of being a Winchester a week ago, Lucifer made it a habit of showing up in the room as Dean. Funnily enough it was never Sam, just Dean. The fallen angel would not change back into Nick unless Cas admitted one of his bad thoughts about Dean. Lucifer claimed he had, "more faith in Dean Winchester, then most angels have in Father." Cas didn't really believe that it was true. Yes, he trusted and believed in Dean, but that was after four years of fighting together and against each other. It wasn't as if Castiel had blind faith in the hunter. He just treated Dean like the best friend Cas always believed him to be. Lucifer however thought that it was highly disgusting and that Cas needed an intervention of sorts. So as consequence once a day a Dean look alike would come into the room and Cas would have to admit to something he never wanted Dean to know he thought.
It was frustrating to say the least. Cas was tired of having the Winchesters used against him. It seems as though ever since he saved Dean from hell, everybody has tried to use them against each other. Now Lucifer did it every day, whether it was him impersonating Dean, or reminding Cas how much he hurt Dean. Cas just felt so powerless to stop him. He is powerless as long as he stays in this room doing nothing. On the other hand the Winchesters seem to want him to stay here. Cas found himself again at a difficult decision. He could do as Sam and Dean wanted and stays here with Lucifer and Meg or he could leave and try to stay away from the hunters. The funny thing was that no matter how many scenarios Cas came up with he was never with the Winchesters in the end. He was always by himself. In some cases he ended up dead.
Cas wasn't going to lie, there had been a few times that he thought his demise would be the best solution for everyone. Still he didn't like the thought that Lucifer could go back to Sam's head if he was dead. So he is left with no solution to his problem for now. Instead he threw himself into the notebook he was writing for his former best friends. In addition to all the information they wanted, Cas also put in the things he kept from them. Uriel's betrayal, Ana's words, all the angels he had to kill, all the times he tried to approach Dean before he made the deal with Crowley, every detail about what he did with Crowley, all of these he added to the notebook. Cas believed it would be better for the Winchesters to know exactly what he was going through. He wanted them to know just how bad it was to him. He didn't stop there though, he wrote about the torture he was put through during the times he helped the Winchesters. He wrote about how he felt throughout his dealings with the Winchesters. However, it didn't end there; he also wrote about how Lucifer constantly made him relive these moments and every other thing that the Devil in his head did to him.
The notebook held all the good moments, the bad moments and all his information. The notebook was in a way Cas. The thought made him sad. He could be condensed to a notebook. If that's what the Winchesters wanted from him, that's what he would do. It wasn't the most desirable thing, but it is what he deserves. Even with writing the notebook out, Cas still felt as if he deserves all the bad things that happen to him. He can't seem to comprehend the idea of forgiving himself. Which is a bit hypocritical since all he wants is to make things right so Dean will forgive him. The way Cas sees it, it's not about him forgiving himself; it's about making it so he is at least somewhat forgivable in others eyes. Dean mostly, but Sam's forgiveness would also mean the world to him as well. He didn't have that great of a connection with the younger Winchester, but he still thought of him as a friend.
Cas's friendship with Sam was always something that bugged him. It wasn't like the bond he shares with Dean. To be fair there is nothing like the profound bond he shares with the green eyed hunter. Sam on the other hand is someone very important to Cas just not in the same way. In a way he feels as if he should protect Sam because Dean would protect him. In an essence Sam is important to Dean therefore Sam is important to Cas. Cas shook his head. It was a horrible thought; he shouldn't let Dean influence everything he thought about everyone. He cared about Sam's well-being, which should be enough.
The door to his room quietly opened and a bald head with square glasses peaked through. Cas almost sighed in relief. It wasn't Meg. The she demon had been hell since she found out that he was talking again. Always asking questions, always getting mad when he never answered, then she would just threaten him and leave. It was annoying to say the least. Thankfully this time it wasn't Meg, but one of the many doctors that came to question and talk to him. Meg had let it slip that Cas started conversing with Lucifer, so of course everybody assumes that he's going to talk to them. A snowball had a better chance in hell. Cas has been absolute in not talking to anybody but Lucifer. He didn't want to talk to anybody else. Well, maybe Dean, but Dean has always been the exception.
The doctor walked in and sat at the chair by the desk. "Hello, Castiel how are you feeling today?"
Cas stared at the ceiling.
"Ahh, still not talking to anyone I see. However the fact that you are speaking at all is a sign of improvement."
Cas rolled his eyes. Yes, because talking to the Devil is an improvement.
"Seeing as you are not talking or looking at anything but the ceiling, I'm going to hazard a guess that your hallucination isn't present at the time. This is a good thing Castiel. It shows progress."
Cas sat up and glared at the doctor. The look was one he usually saved for Dean; it said I don't want to be lectured by someone who knows nothing about what is going on. He gave that glare a lot to the Winchesters before and during the apocalypse. The doctor must have noticed because he flushed and went back to staring at the clipboard in front of him.
"Well that's it for now Castiel. Just remember to sleep and eat. The nurses have noticed that you always seem to be awake and never eat much."
Cas laid back down and looked at the ceiling. He didn't have to eat or sleep, so usually he just wrote. He would push the food around his plate to make it look as if he had consumed something. He did it just to appease everyone. He shuddered to think about what would happen if they found out he didn't eat or sleep. They would probably try to test him and experiment on him. That would cause more problems with the Winchesters so he tried to avoid detection.
The door opened and closed again. Cas was left alone. He had grown comfortable with the loneliness. He couldn't hurt anyone if he was alone. Even with Lucifer in his head, Cas always felt better when no one else was present. Slowly he stood back up and went to the desk. Sitting back down he looked over the notebook. It had a little water damage to it from the day of the storm. Flipping through the pages he noticed how much he mentioned the Winchesters and Bobby. They were constantly there, at least once a page. It was insane how in the past four years, his life had turned upside down. Apparently it revolved around those three humans. There were also mentions of Ellen and Jo.
Cas missed them. He missed Ellen and Jo laughing at him or picking on the brothers. He hated that he couldn't save them. He hated Lucifer for trapping him in holy fire. Cas missed Bobby. The older hunter had grown to mean so much to the angel. He was sad that he didn't get to say goodbye to the grumpy drunk. He hoped that where ever Bobby was now that he didn't think too ill of him. In a weird way Cas really wish that he had Bobby's approval. He wasn't even sure why he wanted it; he just craved it. He missed Bobby's house. It was messy, it was dirty, smelled like alcohol, and it was the closest thing Cas ever had to a home. It felt safe and warm. Now it was empty. There was no Bobby to call him an "idjit", no Sam and Dean sleeping on the couch and floor, Cas had no home.
Opening to the nearest clean paper, Cas grabbed his pencil. He pressed the tip to the paper and very lightly began to draw. Ever since he stood up to the Devil, his hand hasn't shaken once. He could remember clearly the only picture he ever was in. He started sketching out Bobby in the wheelchair, Jo standing behind him with her arm thrown over him, Dean beside her, Sam with his arm slung around Dean and himself, Ellen standing in front of the boys and finally himself next to Sam. He didn't add in a background; it didn't need a background, just them staring back at him. The drawing was realistic, not picture perfect, but well enough. He changed a few things, he erased himself and drew the others smiling. He couldn't erase himself completely; anyone could see that he had drawn himself there at one point. The others looked happy though. It was how he remembered them.
Cas flipped to the next page and continued to draw. He drew Gabriel laughing out right in that careless manner he had. Next, was Rachael smiling softly up at him. Ana came after that before she went all "Glenn Close on the situation." Finally he drew Balthazar smiling without a care in the world. His brothers and sisters looking happy, before the apocalypse tore them all apart. Cas was being highly emotional and he knew it. He needed to get it together before Lucifer comes back. The Devil would never let him live this down. He didn't want to be this emotional. It only hurt. Cas flipped between the two drawings. He stared at "Team Free Will" as Dean liked to call them and had the urge to write some sort of comment. Anything to show how much he missed everyone.
Cas thought about it. He didn't have the right words to convey his emotions though. Instead he thought of a song. He had only heard it once or twice when he was fallen and sitting in the Impala. The lyrics were perfect though. They said everything that Cas could not. So, underneath the drawing of the hunters, he began to write the lyrics. Cas was thankful for his good memory because he remembered every single word. When he ran out of room on that page, he went to the pictures of his brothers and sisters and finished the song. "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton was truly the only song Cas could identify with.
Feeling completely strung out by his latest chick flick moment, Cas set down his pencil and closed the notebook. Dwelling on them wasn't going to help anyone. He shouldn't allow himself to wallow in pity like this. It wasn't useful to anyone. Except Lucifer would get a kick out of it. Satan would definitely use this as more ammunition to make Cas's life a living hell. Cas dragged his hand through his hair and sighed. He didn't want to think about what Lucifer would do to him after this.
The door to his room opened and all Cas could think was Speak of the Devil. He glanced up to see another Dean look alike walking through the door. Cas had an urge to throw something. He was not in the mood to deal with the fallen angel's sick humor. He just wanted a little peace. Cas watched as the doppelganger looked around, before spotting Cas at the desk. He looked into those fake green eyes and only got angrier. He watched as the Devil Dean opened his mouth to no doubt insult him and Cas decided he was just going to nip this in the bud.
"Really Lucifer didn't we do this game only just this morning? I clearly remember you walking in looking like Dean only four hours ago. So what is it now? What do you want me to admit now?" Cas said cutting off what the Devil was going to say. He watched as Devil Dean shut his mouth and look confused. Cas felt a swell of pride in making Lucifer speechless.
"Here let me cut to the chase then. I've already told you how I horrible it felt to only be called when the Winchesters needed something. We've covered the fact that they never seemed to care about the troubles I was having in heaven. How about the fact that even though they have both condemned the world at least once, they can't forgive me even when I tried to set it right by giving up the souls. Better yet, that it feels horrible knowing I pushed them to the point they tried to kill me. I know, we can talk about them never really trusting me, even before I started to lie to them. What is it that you would like to hear about?" Cas spat hatefully as he stood up and got closer to the Devil in disguise. He stopped when he was about six inches away and just stared down the other angel. He wasn't going to back down this time. He was tired of Lucifer using Dean to hurt him.
"Please enlighten me to what you want to hear, because the faster we talk, the faster you stop looking like Dean. This is the last time you will use Dean to hurt me. We both know that Dean cannot forgive me, so he won't be visiting me. I know it's you brother, so this is pointless. I am no longer considered a friend to the Winchesters and I have accepted that. What more do you want?" Cas snapped and glared at his older brother. He could even smell Dean. A mixture of soap, oil, and dirt that was completely Dean. The smell shot through Cas and it hurt. He had grown very fond of that smell over the years. He watched as Devil Dean took a step back from him with a look of pain on his face. The hurt in the green eyes looked so real Cas felt his face soften. Cas stayed frozen to the spot as the Dean look alike turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.
For a moment Castiel felt victorious. He had told of the Devil. It was empowering. Turning away from the door, he walked back to his chair and desk. He looked at the notebook and sat back down, ready to finish writing it. Lucifer, looking like Nick, popped into existence beside him laughing. Cas rolled his eyes. Satan laughed and laughed and just kept laughing. Doubled over, hands clenching his stomach, the Devil laughed. Finally after what seemed like ten minutes the laughter stopped.
"Oh Cassie that was brilliant. No really that was a spectacular performance." Lucifer said wiping his eyes.
"I don't see how me telling you off is so amusing." Castiel replied bored.
"The hateful glare, the wicked words, and you spilling your dark thoughts about Dean Winchester. It couldn't have gone better if I had planned it." The fallen angel said slapping Cas's back. Cas was confused. Didn't Lucifer plan this out over the week of torture? "You wanted to plan me talking back to you?" It just didn't make sense.
"You didn't tell me off, Castiel."
Cas stared at the blonde with a sense of dread creeping in on him. "What do you mean brother?"
"That wasn't me, that was your lover boy Dean Winchester in the flesh and you just told him a bunch of horrible things you think of him." The Devil giggled. Honest to Father, he giggled. Cas felt his heart sink into his stomach and clench tightly.
"You lie." He desperately hoped Satan was just playing a cruel joke.
"Think little brother, really think about the Dean I act like and the Dean you just came into contact with."
Cas felt his blood turn into ice. Dean hadn't said a word to him and the Devil always had something to say. Dean had looked hurt just for a moment. He had even smelled like Dean, Lucifer never had any type of smell surrounding him. Cas started to panic. He just said horrible things to Dean. His Dean, the hunter who he had given so much for, and Dean had left. Not one word was said to him. Dean had come to see him and Cas being an idiot had verbally bashed his hunter. It wasn't fair.
Cas didn't remember leaving his room. The next thing he knew he was walking through the hallway towards the window that faced the front of the building. He looked outside and looked at the parking lot. He saw other patients, nurses, and doctors wandering to and from cars, but he couldn't seem to care. He caught a glimpse of leather and narrowed his eyes. There was Dean pacing in front of a crappy little car and talking on his phone. The hunter looked angry. Castiel rested his forehead against the glass and brought his hand to press against the window.
Suddenly, Dean looked up to the building towards the window. Green met blue and Cas felt his heart clench painfully. That was his Dean looking at him. They just stared at each other for no more than a minute, but it meant the world to Cas. He watched as Dean closed his phone and get into the car. He didn't stop watching as the car pulled out the parking spot and drive away. Misery set into his very core as he walked back to his room.
Lucifer was sitting on his bed smiling smugly, "So how do you think Dean-o feels about you being so very ungrateful towards him. You must be the biggest burden on those two, little brother." Lucifer had a point. Cas wouldn't be surprised if Dean never came back to visit him again.
Numbly he sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands. Everything inside of him was in agony. His grace hurt. Looking down Cas saw the almost finished notebook. He felt so alone in that moment. "I'm still here Cassie." Luci laughed. Cas shuddered and started to think. He suddenly knew what he was going to do when he finished the notebook.
With a determined look, Castiel opened the notebook and grabbed his pencil. He pressed it against the paper as his hand began to tremble.
A/N: So what did you think? Did you guys like the drawings? Oh and if you have never heard the song please please listen to it! Go find it on youtube "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. I think it suits how Cas feels about his friends. So Dean makes an apperence and don't worry he won't be gone long. Isn't Lucifer just a dick at points? Please let me know what you thought and Review!