Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I can alway dream I do. lol
Warning: All the feels! Oh and grammer might be off sorry...
A/N: Hello loves i'm back! This chapter was a bitch. No really I must have rewrote it ten different times! This however is the end product and I do hope that you like it. Alot happens in this chapter so read carefully. Also reviews are like crack to me so please help me out! I have a poll on my profile if you would be so kind to contribute your answers, it will be up til 04-18. Thanks for reading and enjoy!
The notebook was almost complete. Cas sighed in relief. There was only one problem. He didn't know how to finish it off. Should he just stop and make it impersonal or should end it with a signature? Cas just didn't know. He was pretty sure there wasn't a rule of etiquette when ending a high revealing notebook about oneself. In fact Cas was pretty sure there wasn't a rule of etiquette when it came to dealing with the Winchesters at all. Not that it really mattered; he seriously doubted that the Winchesters follow any rules of etiquette. They were more of the type to go with their guts, or act first think later. Cas smirked, that wasn't right either. Sam and Dean were more of the type to say to hell with the rules and make plans around said rules. It's kind of why they were in this situation to begin with.
Still, the ending was bugging him. Cas really didn't like the idea of leaving it in an impersonal matter. The entire notebook was personal, so shouldn't the ending fit the theme as well? "Why don't you end it with…? Love forever your angel Castiel?" Lucifer popped up beside Cas. The blonde had he's hands framing his face and was staring at Cas with wide eyes and a dopey smile. It was quite disturbing. Cas wasn't sure if the Devil was trying to act charming or if he was just insane. He shook his head, probably a bit of both, more of the latter than the former. Sighing Cas stared at the paper in front of him. "According to you, I'm not much of an angel."
"It's true you are a pathetic excuse for an Angel of the Lord." Lucifer exclaimed, clamping his hand down on Cas's shoulder. Cas involuntarily shivered. He might be used to the Devil taunting and torturing him, but touching was a different story. Cas absolutely hated it when the fallen angel touched him. He glared at the hand still on his shoulder, "You're one to talk Morningstar, and you set the bar when it comes to failing as an angel."
The lights in his room exploded as Lucifer's face darkened. "I was the most loyal of them all. I wanted nothing more than Father's love. I was cast down into the cage for wanting my Father's love."
Cas smirked; there weren't many times that he goaded the Devil into anger. In fact poking the beast that lives inside his head wasn't the best idea. However, Cas did think Dean would be proud that he was mouthing off to the Devil. He could practically hear Dean egg him on. It reminded him of the time he trapped Raphael in the circle of holy fire and called the archangel his little bitch. Perhaps he has spent too much time around the sarcastic hunter. "You were cast down for being a narcissistic dick."
"Oh Cassie have you grown some balls in the past five months? You can taunt me all you want but you know that we are more alike than different."
Cas slammed his hands down and stood up. He faced the Devil and looked into his cold eyes, "That is a lie." Lucifer laughed cruelly and stepped closer to Cas. They stood there staring at each other, one staring mockingly and the other hatefully. "Are we that different little brother? We both rebelled against Father's word for what we thought was a just cause. We both were hunted by our own brothers and sisters. We both killed countless people for our side to win. Most importantly, we both let our power control us and paid the price for it. I was forced into a cage in the deepest part of hell and you are in a cage of your own personal hell. We are the same Castiel." Lucifer reached out towards him, but Cas stepped back to avoid the contact. Logically he knew that Luci was wrong, however, when said like that he really didn't seem that different.
Cas shook his head. He wasn't going to let Satan mess with his head like that. He had to be smarter than that. "You're wrong. We may have similarities Lucifer, but there is one main difference between you and me; Father brought me back. Father allowed me to continue on this quest; while he let you rot in your cage."
"And now he'll leave you to rot in yours. He knew it would end up like this, so don't you think that he wanted you to spend eternity with me in your head as punishment? Think about it Castiel." Lucifer smiled at Cas one last time before disappearing again. Of course he had thought about that. He had to believe that Father was a part of this. It would mean that the world and the Winchesters were meant to be saved. It might not be what God had originally planned, but change can be a good thing. Still as an angel, Cas had rebelled and he must take the consequences of his betrayal. He had accepted that this was the price he must pay for helping the Winchesters. Cas ran his hand through his hair and sighed. A lifetime of hell was a small price to pay for saving Sam and Dean.
It seems as though for the past four years all he's thought about is saving the Winchesters. He has actually died for them on several occasions. Dying was of little consequence to him now. He would gladly die again if it meant to be some help. He owed his life into helping clean up the mess he made. This is why the notebook was so important. He didn't have all the knowledge about Leviathans, but what he did have would help.
Sitting back down at the desk, Cas returned to staring at the notebook. He really needed to hurry and finish. He only had a few more hours before Meg would show back up in his room. He had to have everything finished by then. It was just the ending. It was as though he was at a loss for words. It was possible that he was prolonging finishing because he didn't want it to end yet. That would be the human side of his heart coming out. It was illogical. Cas should want to give the notebook to the Winchesters. It's what he has been working on nonstop for the past months.
Cas was lying to himself, deep down he knew exactly why he was delaying the end. After watching Dean drive away two weeks ago he knew what he had to do. He decided that he is going to leave the psych ward. He was going to let the notebook be the last communication between him and the Winchesters. Cas was just tired of always causing them worry and pain. He's tired of watching Dean walk away, tired of having to leave Dean, and exhausted of losing everyone he cared for. So, he plans on leaving the notebook in the hunter's care and disappearing. It wasn't as though Cas planned on doing nothing. In fact Cas planned on hunting and doing research on how to kill or send back the Leviathans. He just wasn't going to do it with the Winchesters. He was done burdening his friends.
That's why the ending was so hard to write, because in a sense it was going to be the last thing if ever said to Sam and Dean. That thought was hard to swallow. What did Cas want his last words to be? Who honestly knows the answer to a question like that? He had put every detail he could think of in the journal except what he was planning to do while he was gone. Cas didn't think it was wise to let Sam and Dean know that. He could take care of himself. He still had most of his angel mojo as Dean would say. He could fly, smite lesser demons and monsters, was faster and stronger than humans, and he could heal himself. Cas couldn't heal others though and he wasn't as strong as some angels, but he was still proficient with his Angel blade. The biggest thing was that he just wanted to be useful and help. Even if it was from afar.
Cas didn't think that getting overly emotional for the ending would be a good thing. Dean hated chick flick moments in real life, so he probably wouldn't take to kind to reading one either. He never had been an highly emotional being to begin with so that would just be odd. Cliché endings were out as well, Cas never really understood most of Dean's references anyway. So, if Sam and Dean were right here in front of him, with what words would he leave them? Cas sat in silence. He sighed and decided that being simple was the best route. Cas grabbed the pen and shakily put it against the paper. In clear and precise hand writing he wrote: Be careful, don't do anything stupid, good luck and goodbye. Short, simple and to the point, it was the best thing he could come up with. He wanted his last word to be goodbye. He wanted the chance to say goodbye to Dean. This was as close as it got, but it was painful. Goodbyes were painful.
Closing the notebook and setting down the pen, Cas stood up. He walked up to the bed and picked up the pillow. Underneath laid Jimmy's old trench coat. It was torn, dirty, and bloodied, but Cas couldn't bring himself to throw it away. In fact he had refused to let the nurses take it away from him. It was a part of his life for the past four years. He was actually really surprised and happy to see that Dean had kept it. Picking it up Cas lightly touched the battered cloth. Turning he grabbed the notebook and took one last look at the room he had been confined in for the past five months. He wasn't going to miss it at all. However, he did wish he could see Meg's face when she realized that he had escape. It would be a comical sight.
Cas flew. He soared high into the night sky and let his wings stretch. They had been confined for far too long. It felt amazing to feel the air and clouds around him again. Cas watched as the ground below him changed from a city to fields, mountains, and lakes. The world his Father built was still beautiful and alive. "Cassie, you didn't tell me that we were going on a road trip!" Castiel looked to his side to see Lucifer flying next to him. He actually wasn't even surprised that Satan was next to him flying. Even an hallucination of Lucifer had to miss flying. Every angel had the urge to spread their wings and fly. The Devil had huge dark red wings that engulfed his body. Cas had once heard stories that Lucifer's wings use to be the whitest and purest of all the angels before he rebelled. Now his wings were coated in the innocent blood he had shed. Still Cas couldn't say much about marked wings; his very own were stained from his trip into hell. The once white feathers have turned ash grey and black and were a bit tattered, scorched by hellfire.
"Surprise big brother, I decided to break out."
"Well it wouldn't be the first time you rebelled."
Cas smirked and dove down into a small clothing store. He wasn't going to go out into the world looking as insane as he actually was. The humans wouldn't trust him if he did. So he appeared into a Goodwill that appeared to be closed. No one was in the building, nor were there any cameras to catch him. He had to hurry. In a few hours the sun would rise and the nurses will be alerted to his disappearance. He could not let Dean and Sam know he was gone until after he had dropped off the notebook. Quickly he grabbed a pair of black pants and the matching jacket that reminded him of the ones that Jimmy wore, he couldn't find an appropriate white button down shirt instead he found a light blue one, and finally he grabbed a dark blue and green stripped tie. It was the closest thing to his previous outfit that he could find.
"Aww clothing shopping, Cassie you shouldn't have." Lucifer said running amok around the store. Shaking his head Cas began to change into the outfit. He ignored the Devil as he whistled and shouted "Strip tease!" while Cas undressed. Cas finished off the outfit with a pair of black shoes. In a weird way he felt as if he was more himself than ever. He felt back to his holy tax accountant days.
Staying perfectly still, Cas listened. He could still hear prayers directed to him. He had a habit of listening to prayers whenever he needed a break from writing. They soothed him and reminded him of better days. It reminded him of listening into Dean and Sam's prayers to him. They were quite unconventional and tended to insult him, but they were always the highlight of the day. Even when Cas was in the chaos of battle, he would try to answer the hunter's prayer. In fact that was exactly what he was listening for right now.
Dean had a habit of calling out to Cas while he was asleep. Cas didn't even think Dean knew he did it. He didn't plan on telling him either, because as long as Dean did that then Cas would be able to find him. He should feel a little bad that the hunter had nightmares about what he did, but now he just really needed a Dean GPS.
Cas! Cas man don't make me lose you too.
Dean! Cas was sure he would recognize that gruff voice anywhere. Even as Emmanuel he felt connected to Dean when he spoke.
Cas you stupid son of a bitch.
Cas smiled and flew out of the store and in the direction of Dean's voice. It shouldn't make him so happy that Dean thinks about him in his sleep. Sadly Cas was a little excited to see Dean. Dean would be asleep, but still he could confirm with his own eyes that the hunter was ok. He had mentioned in his writings how much he worried about the boys during his time away. Once a week calls were not enough to calm his nerves.
"May I remind you loverboy that you are going there to drop off the notebook and fly away never to see them again." Lucifer cut into his happiness.
"Must you ruin everything brother?" Castiel claimed letting the smile fade from his face and his heart grow heavier.
"Yes actually it's in the job description, right after the torturing poor souls and before trying to destroy all of humanity." The Devil laughed jovially. Cas had to admit that it was a stupid question. Something he also acquired from spending too much time with the eldest Winchester. Diving down he landed into a motel room.
Being around the Winchesters, Cas had grown accustomed to how most motels looked like. The one he was standing in was just a commonplace and mundane as all the others. Looking around he noticed a few empty beer bottles on the floor and a very dim light coming from the kitchen. Sam and Dean were on their separate beds, dead asleep. Another benefit for being an angel is Cas could be practically silent as he moved about the room. He wrapped the notebook in Jimmy's trench coat and set it on the table. He had decided to leave the jacket as well. It was only right, the notebook shone light on everything in Castiel's head and Castiel was known to wear that beige coat. Cas was different now and didn't deserve the jacket. He wasn't Dean's angel and best friend anymore.
Turning back to the hunters, Cas stood in silence as he watched the brothers sleep. "Cassie this is highly creepy and stalkerish." Lucifer said while sitting on the table beside the coat. Cas ignored him. He didn't care if he was being weird. This would be the last time he would see the boys and he wanted to ingrain every detail of them in his head. Slowly he moved towards Sam, who was sprawled out across the entire bed. The younger hunter looked a lot healthier and rested since he had last seen him. Of course now Sam didn't have Lucifer bugging him all the time in his head. Cas was never as close to Sam as he was to Dean but he still cared deeply for the man. Sam was a good soul, who didn't deserve the fate his was given. The huge man snorted and snored loudly. Cas smiled and turned to the older Winchester.
Dean was on his side facing the doorway. Cas felt his chest constrict and hurt. Oddly it was a nice pain. It was a familiar pain. He felt it every time he saw Dean. Cas sat down at the foot of the bed and looked at the hunter. Dean looked so much younger and innocent while he slept. It was something that Cas enjoyed seeing. In fact he had spied in on the hunter sleeping a few times. "Step one is admitting that you have a problem." Satan exclaimed from the table. Once again Cas ignored the comment. It wasn't as though he came to the motel rooms constantly. He only did it when he felt his fighting will falter. It never failed to make him feel better and gave him energy to keep fighting. Honestly Cas didn't give a damn if that made him creepy. Looking at Dean right now gave him a spark of hope.
Cas had the urge to touch the hunter, just a small ghost of a touch where his handprint use to be. He wanted to feel the bond between them. He wanted to feel that little bit of his grace that resided in Dean's soul. Cas had gone as far as lifting his hand up before he realized what he was doing. He wouldn't touch Dean. Touching the hunter would just make it that much harder to leave. Oh how Cas didn't want to leave right now. He knew it was the best option for everyone but it was so painful. The thought of never seeing Dean or Sam after this just cut at him. He was losing them all over again. Cas stood up quickly and stepped away from Dean.
The bed jostled softly and Dean's eyes snapped opened. For a second everything seemed to go in slow motion. Cas watched as those green eyes clouded by sleep looked at him. He stared at those eyes just for a moment before the panic settled in. Faster than anyone could see, Castiel cloaked himself from human sight. He should have just flown away, but something made him want to stay just for a while longer. All of that took less than two seconds, but it felt monumentally longer. "Oh you just got caught red handed being a creep, little brother." Lucifer clapped excitedly and Cas rolled his eyes. Apparently the fallen angel had the tendency to be over dramatic. Cas watched as Dean sat up quickly and looked around.
"Cas?"
Oh Father, Cas felt his knees give just a little to the sound of Dean saying his nickname. It had been so long. Sam jolted up looked towards Dean.
"What's the matter?" Sam's voice was thick with sleep as he rubbed his eyes.
Dean shook his head a little, "Nothing Sammy, I just thought I saw Cas here."
Sam frowned, "Did you have that nightmare again?" Cas felt worry and relief wash over him. Dean would probably write it off as part of his nightmare.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Dean, the nightmares have gotten worse since you visited Cas at the ward. You still won't tell me what happened." Cas frowned. It wasn't like the older hunter to keep things from the younger one.
"It was nothing Sammy let it go. I don't want to talk about it."
"Well you should! I mean I've had Lucifer running amok in my head and I can probably tell you what is going on with Cas."
"Hey those were good times Sammy!" Lucifer yelled mockingly angry from his spot on the table.
"He thought I was Lucifer!" Dean growled as he put his head in his hands. Cas felt the guilt grow in him. He should have been able to tell the difference between the real and fake Dean.
"What?" Sam looked shocked.
"Apparently Lucifer had the habit of wearing my face to torture Cas. He looked so angry and hurt Sammy. From what he said, Lucifer made Cas admit something that thought of me but, wouldn't tell me in real life. The things he said… they were pretty bad." Cas hung his head in shame. Dean had sounded so confused and lost. He had made this happen. Lucifer was laughing in the background. It only made Cas feel worse.
"Dean, look he was probably just saying those things to get the bastard to leave him alone. Cas didn't mean it. It wasn't true." Sam said standing up and putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. It made Cas want to comfort them so much.
"I don't think so Sam. It sounded pretty truthful to me."
"That's because you're a jerk."
"Bitch."
Cas needed to leave. The longer he stayed the harder this got. He couldn't back out of the plan now. It was better this way. He should just fly away right now. Instead he stared at the brothers. It physically hurt thinking that this was goodbye. He didn't want to leave them like this. He wanted to erase their worries just for one night. However he couldn't bring himself to move. He just stared. This was how he would remember them.
Sam glanced around the room and looked at the table. Cas took a deep breath, this was it. "Is that Castiel's trench coat?" The taller human asked slightly confused. Dean looked towards the table and jumped to his feet. The hunter's face looked suspicious and slightly freaked out. Cas watched as Dean and Sam ran to the table and looked down at the trench coat. Dean picked it up slowly unfurling it. The notebook fell to the floor. Sam stooped to the floor picking it up. The brothers shared a look of disbelief.
Cas forced himself to fly away. The last thing he saw was Sam opening the notebook and Dean pulling the coat closer to himself.
A/N: Sooooo... do you hate me? I kinda hate me lol. On the plus side I gave Dean some feelings! Ok so big news I want some help deciding what to do for the next chapter. Would you guys rather I keep going from Castiel's POV or would you like one chapter dedicated to Dean's POV about the notebook? I can't make up my mind about it. Review people i need some input! I love you all but please please review and tell me what you loved or hated!