Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural related!
Warning: Emotional turmoil and slight reference to torture... sorry
A/N: I am soooooo sorry it took me so long to update. I just want to clarify that this will be the only Chapter that I write from Dean's POV. I just thought it was important for you guys to see how I envisioned Dean acting in this story. I love Dean and I don't want him to come off as an asshole. Also this chapter was a bitch to write! I rewrote it 7 times and i'm still not to happy with it. So i'm sorry if this is not what you were expecting. Please Review! I would love you forever!
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Dean sat down at the table and opened the notebook that Cas had left behind. Sam had finally given it to him after three days. The younger Winchester had finished reading through it and collecting the information in it. Apparently, there was a lot of information because Sam was always typing away on his laptop while reading. The nerd would get all excited when he found new information on anything. Dean wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was happy that Cas had been able to help them. Cas being able to give information gave the Winchesters a bit of hope about the situation they were in. Still it didn't excuse the fact that the angel had disappeared off the face of the planet. Dean could remember in perfect detail the last time he had seen the angel. It was in this very room. Cas had been looking at him like he used to. The slightly creepy, soul reading, and so completely Cas stare. When Dean had met the angel's eyes, he almost sighed in relief. It was almost as if his Cas was back. The one that was his best friend, who rebelled against heaven, before all the purgatory mess happened. Dean couldn't help still feeling a little anger at the thought of Cas working with Crowley. However one second he was looking at Cas wearing a damn suit again and then he was gone. Dean wasn't too happy about losing track of the angel again. In fact for the past three days while Sam read, Dean got drunk. He wouldn't admit it but he had also prayed. Cas was gone. He had no way of checking up on him anymore. He didn't know if the angel was alive or dead. It pissed him off.
Sam had left to the bar stating that after reading the notebook he "needed a damn drink." It slightly worried Dean about what he was about to read. However Sam had made him promise to read it all. His brother had even dished out the puppy eyes. Not just the regular puppy eyes, no, Sam brought out the watery eyes with the slight pout. Dean kind of hated how he couldn't say no to that face. Still, staring at the writing in front of him, but not focusing on it, the hunter was weary. He had watched Sam get angry, turn green, look disgusted, to looking absolutely horrified, at one point he glared at himself in the mirror and then glared at Dean because of what was written. When Sammy had given the notebook to Dean all he said was, "I didn't know, God, I just didn't have a single idea." Not the most comforting words to speak, but it was Sam's tone that really got to Dean. His younger brother sounded almost distraught. Whatever was in the notebook apparently packed one hell of an emotional punch, which he wasn't looking forward to dealing with.
Sighing Dean got up grabbed a beer and sat back down. Taking the first drink he settled into reading the first page. I deserve to be here, I know this now. Everything I had done, all the lives I had taken, and I deserve this hell. Lucifer never seems to be quiet. Today the Devil particularly focused on talking about the Winchesters. It hurt to hear their names. Dean took a gulp of the cheap beer. Yeah, this notebook was going to suck. Sam had said that there were a few things he needed to read in it. So, he settled in and determinedly read on. He read about Cas's self-loathing and depression. He read how in Cas's head he still thought of Dean as the righteous man and worth saving despite Lucifer's remarks. Cas's thoughts about Meg made Dean laugh. The more Dean read the number of empty beer bottles grew. The notebook was a gateway into the angel's head.
Dean flinched as Lucifer made fun of Cas's scarred and tattered wings. Cas took it in stride and claimed he was proud of his wings, even if they were burnt from Hell's fire. He couldn't help feeling a little guilty that Cas had so many scars for saving Sam and himself from Hell. He didn't even know that Cas had been hurt in order to save his soul. The guilt only grew as Cas recounted his first few memories of Dean. He was a bit of a dick. Cas joked about how confused he was about Dean's attitude and how frustrating the human was. He broke out the whiskey when Cas would talk about finding his soul in Hell and how bright and pure it was. Dean actually thought he was blushing when Cas talked about their profound bond. The angel made it seem so much intimate then what it was. The whiskey kept flowing as the angel defended the Winchesters again against Lucifer about the Halloween incident. Cas wrote about how relieved he was about the town being saved. Uriel being a massive douche and how he truly started to believe in Dean after the talk they had at the playground. He never knew how much shit Cas had to deal with. He never knew how much the angel had intervened on their behalf. Dean never even guessed that the angel was having just as much trouble as he was before the apocalypse. Everything just seemed to confirm that Heaven was filled with a bunch of dicks.
Sam came stumbling in as Dean read about Lucifer's renditions of classic rock songs that apparently have been driving Cas crazy. He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to laugh or get mad at the thought of the evil son of a bitch using him yet again to torture Cas. Sam on the other hand didn't look any better than when he left. The only major difference was that his little brother was swaying on his feet. Dean watched as Sammy tripped over his over large feet and crawled to the bathroom. "Sammy, you alive in there?" Dean called out laughing. Nothing was funnier to him then his little brother drunk off his ass. "I'm never drinking again." The muffled groan came from bathroom. He heard as the shower turned on. Dean chuckled underneath his breath and turned back to the notebook.
The Devil had started to taunt Cas about Ana; specifically Dean's relationship with Ana. He could tell that Cas had been hurt by the taunts. Cas spoke about how torn he was about the orders to kill Ana. It was obvious that he didn't want too. Dean read about how close Cas once was to Ana and how he never really wanted her dead. His stomach turned uncomfortably as Cas brought up how Dean and Ana had kissed. I constantly have wondered that maybe if I had a female vessel that Dean would have been more inclined to trust me? Maybe if I was female like Ana I could have connected better with him and prevented so much from happening. However it's also likely that I just appear untrustworthy to the Winchester no matter what I look like. Dean wanted to throw up. He blamed it on the alcohol in his system, but the fact that Cas had pointed out how fast Dean was to trust a woman rather than him, hurt. He didn't know that Cas had perceived it like that. He hadn't known that he was constantly hurting Cas. When Ana had come back from Heaven, Cas had apparently threatened to end her as she told him her plan to spread Sam's atoms across the universe. Dean's heart swelled with regret. Ever since Cas had destroyed Sam's wall, he had convinced himself that Cas had never cared about Sam. Of course Cas cared for the giant, he constantly gave Dean chances to save Sam that way the angels didn't kill him.
Dean shut the notebook and fell on top of his bed. He didn't want to read anymore tonight. This just fucking sucked. He felt like a dick, a self-righteous dick. He always assumed things about the angel that were apparently completely wrong. Why didn't he ever just ask Cas questions? No, he knew the answer to that, because he was worried that he wouldn't like the answer. To be fair, Dean can safely say he doesn't like the answers, they make him feel useless. He could feel the hurt and confusion from the notebook. Dean was a horrible best friend. He had always claimed to know the angel, but in fact he didn't even know what Cas had been dealing with. Still Cas always helped him; even now the angel was trying to provide him with the answers to all types of questions. Every question about what Cas had gone through, or how he felt, even what the angel had never been told, was slowly getting answered. In a weird way Dean was actually enjoying the notebook. It showed the frail human side of Cas that he always hid away. That was the side of Cas, Dean liked the most.
Sammy walked out of the bathroom; look far more sober to Dean's disappointment. Drunken Sam was funnier than sober Sam. "You ok now Samantha?" Dean asked lightly.
The glare on his brother's face made Dean feel better "Shut up Dean. How's the notebook coming along?"
Dean was silent for a while as Sam climbed into the other bed. "I just got done with the entry about Ana."
"The first one or the second one?"
"There's a second one?"
"Yeah, it's worse than the first."
"Great. Why would Cas tell us all this and then disappear? It makes no sense."
Sam sighed and rubbed his face, "It will make sense Dean, and you just have to power through and keep reading."
"It's just going to get worse isn't it? Cas being morbid and self-loathing."
"Oh yeah, you haven't even touched how heavy this stuff gets." Sam chuckled darkly.
"Am I going to end up hating myself after this?" Dean asked jokingly.
"To be honest I kind of hate myself right now. We had every right to be mad at Cas for the Purgatory fiasco, but we honestly had no idea what was actually happening up there. Now that I do know I have to forgive him, I already have forgiven him. "Sam's voice was quiet, but it seemed like it echoed around Dean.
"I already feel like a dick about a lot of the stuff in there."
"That's because you are a dick."
"Bitch."
"Jerk." Sam replied smiling.
Dean rolled over and closed his eyes. He knew he was going to dream about Cas again tonight. Memories of Cas flew threw his mind as he drifted off to sleep. He missed the feathery bastard. Tossing and turning most the night, Dean didn't get much sleep. He kept waking up and looking for a blue eyed man. At 8:30am he gave up any pretense of sleeping and went to take a shower. The water pressure sucked, but it was hot and loosened the taunt back muscles. He thought about Cas and what the hell the angel could be doing right now; if he was alone, if he was alive, if the notebook had any actual point beyond information. Dean seriously doubted that the angel would go this far just to encode some information. So, why did he write all of this? Sam said that he would understand in the end, but that just sounded ominous and frankly Dean was tired of unhappy endings. Stepping out of the shower and drying off, Dean threw on his clothes and left the bathroom. Sam was already wake and by the looks of it hating life.
"Sammy, how's it going?"
"I will shoot you." The younger Winchester groaned and rubbed his temples.
Dean chuckled and pulled a bottle out of his bag. He tossed the pain killers at his brother, "Quit bitching."
Sam gave him a thankful smile and swallowed four pills at once. "So, we have to be out of here by noon. I was thinking that we could go to the Navajo Nation."
"And why would we go there?"
"An old friend of mine lives there and he might be able to help us with the Leviathan situation."
Dean sighed and dropped his head to his hand, "So why haven't we visited this friend of yours earlier." Looking up, he watched as Sam started to pack his clothes and weapons up. "Because Dean at the time I didn't have the info that Cas just gave us." Dean grabbed his gun and knifes and started throwing them into his bag. It was strange, he knew he had read some of the details about the Leviathans that Cas had put into the notebook, but he couldn't remember any of it. He mostly just remembered Cas's pain instead. "I'm going to guess that whatever Cas wrote is actually helpful."
Sam turned gave Dean bitchface #6, or as Dean liked to call it, I can't believe you don't understand anything! Do you have a functional brain? Sadly he has been on the receiving end of that look more times than he could count. "Know thy enemy." Sammy said opening the door and making a swiping motion with his arm. Dean sighed and trudged outside towards the stupid car he had to drive instead of his baby. "Anyway Samantha where are we off too?"
"Arizona. It should take us about 12 hours to get there." The younger brother rolled his eyes.
"Oh no! I am not going to sit in that pathetic excuse for a car for 12 damn hours. We'll split it 6 hours a day." Dean exclaimed shaking his head and opening the trunk. He put his bag in there, but kept the notebook under his arm.
"Fine, but I'm driving." Sam said grabbing the keys and going to the driver's side door.
"Why do you get to drive?"
"Because you are going to sit down and read the notebook." Sam said getting into the car. Dean grumbled but climbed into the passenger seat. Slouching he sighed and opened the notebook as Sam took off out of the parking lot. Hours seemed to fly by as Dean read about Cas complaining about Meg and Lucifer's weird approval of her, Cas vehemently defending the Winchesters, the angel being depressed about not hearing from them. Lucifer always seemed to focus on how horrible the Winchesters were to Castiel in order to convince him that they never cared about him. Dean just got angrier and tenser. It was one thing for him to feel that way, but having Satan point it out was just like rubbing salt into a wound. The next entry made Dean's mouth clench and throat seize. Today was worse than usual. Lucifer must have been a particularly bad mood today. He made me relive my brothers punishing me. It has been years since it has happened, but sometimes I can still feel their blades. Dean sat up straighter and brought the notebook closer to his face. Cas described how Zachariah had thought that Cas was becoming too sympathetic towards Dean and would punish him. The bastard would cut out some of Cas's feathers every time Dean didn't do as the angels wanted. This apparently was most of the damn time. His stomach heaved when he read about what they had done to Cas's wings after putting Chuck in the room with Lilith. When he read about Cas being forced back to Heaven, Dean stopped breathing. He had never been so happy to have killed Zachariah.
"Son of a bitch! Sammy pull over I need to get out for a moment." Dean growled as he fidgets with the seat belt and his clothes. Sam didn't ask any questions, he just nodded. As soon as the car was off the road and into the trees surrounding them, Dean jumped out of the car. It was humid outside as he paced back and forth. He wanted to punch something, or kill an evil bastard. "Dean?" Sam said quietly as he got out of the car. Whirling around Dean stared at his younger brother. Sam was looking at him with a face of sympathy. It made him angrier.
"Those dicks were torturing him!" Dean's voice came out louder than he intended. He seemed to not be able to control his voice. Sam's face softens and he swallowed heavily. "So, you're at that point."
"That entire time, he was being tortured because of me. No wonder he was a dick to us. His wings were getting mutilated. Damn it Sammy, by his own brothers." Dean's voice broke and he looked down at the ground. He heard as Sam's giant feet came closer to him. He felt as a hand grasped his shoulder. "We didn't know Dean. Cas never told us, or gave any hints about it."
Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes, "God the things they did to him during bible camp. They broke him Sammy and I was a dick to him. Why did he even help us after that?" The grip on his shoulder tightened, "You know why Dean, in fact Cas flat out said why. He never blamed us. If anything he was angry at himself for breaking and allowing Zachariah to rule over him. He helped us despite the torture because he knew that it was the right thing to do. Keep reading it all makes sense in the end."
"I just can't believe we never noticed how bad things were for Cas."
"Yeah I know. Come on we're almost at Grand Junction let's go get some food and a motel." Sam said walking back to the car. Dean nodded and followed suit. Getting in he looked at the notebook with a wave of sadness over him. He really didn't want to finish the notebook if everything just kept getting worse. They drove in silence, both Winchesters caught up in their own thoughts. Lunch was tense and quiet. Sam had found a diner, Dean was pretty sure his brother was trying to comfort him. Sadly it did kind of did. Sam didn't even bitch at him when he ordered the biggest, greasiest bacon cheeseburger and smothered fries. Dean could have guaranteed that it was orgasmic, but he didn't taste any of it. His tongue had apparently turned into cardboard. He didn't even get any pie; instead he told Sam that he just wanted to get to the motel. Sam looked at him with a mixture of pity and sympathy. It made Dean want to punch him in the face. They stopped at a store and Sam ran in for five minutes. He came out with two bags. Handing them to Dean, Sam started the car. The bags had a bottle of whiskey, scotch, and a 6 pack of beer. When Dean looked at his brother confused, Sam just shook his head and said, "You'll need them. Hell I need them too." Dean just nodded and glared at the notebook. "Is it worth reading in the end?"
Sam just nodded his head silently and pulled into the parking lot of yet another crappy motel. Dean gathered the bags while Sam paid for the room. Walking into the room, he was blinded by the bright blue wallpaper. Grumbling under his breath Dean tossed his bag on one of the beds and lay down next to it. Sam set up at desk and started up his laptop. Dean grabbed the notebook and opened it to the next entry. He cursed, it was about Cas rebelling against Heaven and getting him out of the green room. He would be the first to admit that he was an asshole to Cas that day. To be fair, he thought Cas was being an ass that day as well. However whenever Cas described the argument, it was all about conflicting emotions and confusion. In those few minutes after Dean had told me that he wanted nothing to do with me, I was surprised to feel hurt by his words. I was an angel of the Lord, a warrior, and yet this flawed human had made me doubt everything I knew. I didn't want the apocalypse to happen. I didn't want my Father's creations to be destroyed. It had been foretold before I was even created, but still the world and humans didn't deserve this. Dean didn't deserve to fight to the death against Sam. That's when I made my decision. In the end I didn't rebel for any honorable reason, it was purely selfish. I just didn't want to lose Dean Winchester to Michael.
The truth in Cas's words hit Dean straight in the chest. He never really comprehended the idea that Cas rebelled solely for him. Cas had said it, but Dean thought he was just being dramatic. Cas had chosen him over Heaven. It really shouldn't make him happy, but it kind of did. The next few entries weren't so bad. Lucifer was being annoying, but Cas remembered the fun he had with Sam and Dean. The problems with the cellphones, personal space issues, the den of iniquity incident, hugs from Cupid, love for hamburgers, doing shots with Ellen and Jo, every happy moment before the Michael/Lucifer showdown. Dean smiled at the memories. It was nice to think that Cas had some memories to hold on to. It made the notebook slightly more tolerable. However, the next entry had Dean grabbing the beer. It was about Cas becoming human and how painful everything was for him. How everything about his body ached with emptiness and how the pain grew with every hour he was human. Cas had never showed it, but the angel must have been in excruciating pain and Lucifer loved reliving those moments.
The entries got steadily worse. Cas reliving every time he was killed. That was painful for Dean to read, he didn't know that the angel had memories of dying. Guilt filled him as he read Cas try to defend him about almost saying yes to Michael and plotting to kill Cas. It was disturbing how much faith the angel had in him. When he read about Cas visiting him that year he was with Lisa right before he made the deal with Crowley, Dean threw the lamp. Sam looked up from his laptop and just stared at him.
"He came to see me during that year? He never said anything, he never made himself visible, if he wanted help why the hell didn't he just ask?" Dean growled.
Sam sighed and turned towards him, "You know why he didn't."
"That's a bullshit reasoning Sam! He needed help. He needed advice. Damn it Sammy he needed me. Why would he go off with that Demon?"
Dean watched as Sam stood up and grabbed two glasses. The younger Winchester opened the whiskey. He poured liberal amounts before walking over to Dean and giving him one. Dean gladly took the glass and took a drink. "Dean, I know you don't like this answer, but it's the truth. Cas was trying to think of your happiness. He knew that I had asked you to live a normal life. He didn't know I was soulless at the time, so when I didn't whisk you off to hunt he must have thought that this is what you wanted. Cas was trying to look out for you."
Dean's shoulders slumped as he took another drink. He wasn't angry, he just felt helpless and he hated feeling like this. "I know it's just that I could have stopped him Sammy. I could have called or prayed to him during that year. God knows I thought about it, but I always made up some stupid excuse not to. He was all alone and I had abandoned him." Sam sat next to him and let his knee hit against Dean's. "It wasn't your fault. Hell it wasn't Cas's fault either. If anything I blame it on Raphael and Crowley. If Raphael hadn't tried to restart the apocalypse and if Crowley hadn't been searching for Purgatory then this wouldn't had happen. You, I, and Cas were just caught in the chaos. We all were trying to make the best of the situation and we all made mistakes doing it." Dean nodded and drained the rest of his glass. He got up and went to pour himself another one. He knew that Sam was right, but that didn't make the pain go away.
Going back to the notebook, Dean steeled his nerves and feelings against it. He tried to not let his emotions show as he read about Cas going to save Sam for Dean. Cas's anger at himself for not knowing that Sam was soulless. Cas threatening Crowley against trying to hurt the Winchesters. Cas being so afraid of them finding out the truth. The self-loathing he felt for working with Crowley, for dragging Balthazar into the mess, for not being able to stop Raphael, for lying to Dean. Dean cringed as Lucifer would rub it in Cas's face that he had torn down Sam's wall and made this possible. Dean pitied Cas when he wrote about the souls taking over his body. His facade crumbled as he read about Lucifer role playing as Anna, Rachael, Balthazar, and Gabriel. God it made Dean's heart hurt. Cas was slowly breaking. The angel had been so strong to joke and hold off Lucifer's taunts, but bringing back the angels had really done a number on him.
Dean's heart broke when he read the entry about the Devil role playing him for the first time. Cas had been so happy to see him that he didn't notice that it was Lucifer until the end. The fact that Cas thought so low of himself that he believed what Devil Dean had said was horrifying. Dean read how Cas finally broke. Cas started talking to Satan because of that episode. It made something inside of Dean just shrivel. Honestly, he had forgiven Cas the moment he said sorry right before giving the souls back to Purgatory. He didn't believe Cas had to redeem himself. He had started the apocalypse, Sam released Lucifer from the cage, and Cas let loose Leviathans. He would be a hypocrite if he said he held it against Cas. Dean's chest swelled with pride as he read about Cas confronting the Devil outside. He had stood up grabbed the whiskey and poured a shot for him and Sam. Giving the shot to his brother, Dean smirked. "A true Winchester, huh?"
Sam laughed and tipped glasses with him. "Yeah definitely a Winchester, nobody else would be that self sacrificing and stupid." Dean chuckled and downed the shot. It was a happy thought. Cas is family there is no doubt about that. "I'm almost done Sammy." Sam's face went slightly guarded and he nodded. Slapping his brother's shoulder Dean went back to the notebook for the last time. He flipped the page and felt the happiness slip away from him. It was a drawing. The picture they took before trying to gank Lucifer with the colt. Cas had erased himself and drawn everyone smiling. The drawing was surrounded by the lyrics of "Tears in Heaven." Dean's throat tightened and he glanced up at Sam who was just watching him quietly. Turning the page he saw drawings of the Angels with more lyrics. Everyone looked so happy. It was everything that Cas had wanted. Everybody he cared for happy, even if it was without him. God, Dean's heart broke all over again. The angel cared so deeply for everyone. Dean's never had that kind of devotion before, not even from Sammy. It made the next page just that much worse.
The last entry was about when Dean had visited Cas at the psych ward. It was weird seeing it from another point of view. It was almost surreal and so much worse. Cas had been so proud of himself to stand up to what he thought was Lucifer. The angel had thought that Dean would have been proud of him. It was like the universe was just trying to screw with Cas. When Dean had left the room, he had only thought about how mad he was at the situation. He never was mad at Cas, but the Devil in his head. Dean freely admits that he didn't handle Cas's situation the best. In fact when Cas had said those horrible things to him, he just wanted to get away. The thought of Lucifer posing as him to hurt Cas was… well the only word he could come up with his wrong. Reading Cas's view of the moment made Dean curse himself. Of course Cas would think that Dean was mad at him, but the fact that Cas actually thought that he was a burden on the brothers hurt. Dean couldn't understand why the angel thought the world of him and Sam, but thought so little about himself. Cas didn't deserve this fate, he had saved the world again, his methods were wrong, but the angel was just trying to save as many as he could.
Be careful; don't do anything stupid, good luck and goodbye.
Dean read the last words of the notebook and felt his heart seize. He stared at the goodbye for what seemed to be forever. He finally knew what the notebook meant. He understood that it had a lot of information for them, but that wasn't the point of the notebook. It was Cas's farewell. Cas thought that he was a burden on them and didn't want to trouble them anymore, so he left. That's why he gave back the trench coat. It was a memento. Dean felt his heart start beating erratically and sweat gather on his forehead. He wasn't going to see Cas again. The angel wouldn't try and find them anymore. That's why he ignored the prayers, because he's trying not to disturb their lives anymore. Cas was gone, with no one to help him. Lucifer would keep torturing the angel within his head and every type of monster would be after him. The angel was all alone. Dean knew that he had the Leviathans to worry about and he would deal with them. However he also knew one thing for certain as he stared at Cas's last word. He looked up at Sammy and didn't bother to hide the worry and panic from his face and voice, "We have to find him, Sammy. We have to find Cas."
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A/N: Ta-da! Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Dean Winchester. Ok so once again this chapter was really hard to write so I would love your opinions. Was Dean in character? Did he seem to emotional? It was hard to convey emotions with Dean since he usually just goes into a defensive anger, but I really wanted him to feel Cas. I love Sam too so I wanted him as supportive as he could be. Anyway next Chapter will be back to Castiel, thankfully! I think I can write Cas better than Dean lol.