Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural related!
Warning: Guys I don't have a beta so I promise there will be mistakes. I apologize for them in advance.
A/N: So… Did you miss me? I'm so sorry about the long wait to update. My laptop completely crashed and I lost everything. It made me cry. So this is another take on chapter nine. I liked my other one better but this one is all right. I believe it gives Cas more personality and strength. However I still absolutely hate this chapter. It's mostly a filler and I apologize for that. Please review and tell me what you think. I promise it won't take me as long to update next time. Also Chapter 10 is going to be so much fun, I can't wait to upload it. Also I love my readers, that is all.
Castiel was in hell. Well that was a gross over statement, but he felt as though this was hell. Two months, sixty long days' worth of anguish and guilt pounding inside of him. He was so sure that giving the boys the notebook would give him some peace of mind however it had done the opposite. If anything his mind has been even more clouded and obscure. When he was stuck in the psych ward he thought about all of his past faults and mistakes. Now however, all his thoughts were of the Winchesters. He wondered how they reacted to what he wrote. Were they angry? Were they upset? Did they even care at all?
Sam would care. The younger Winchester was always more sympathetic and understanding. It was his greatest attribute. Dean however was a bit of a wild card. The angel had no idea to how Dean would react to the notebook or if he even read the notebook. Castiel hoped Dean would read it. He wished he was strong enough to have stayed and watch them read, but he had to go. Leaving was the correct thing to do; at least that's what he thought at the time. The Winchesters needed to stop worrying about him and focus on the Leviathans. If he had stayed they would continue to fret over him. Leaving was good, leaving was right, leaving sucked. Castiel thought he was going through Separation Anxiety Disorder. This was utterly stupid because it wasn't as if he had seen a lot of the Winchesters anyway.
However, he couldn't deny that the longer he was away from the boys the more depressed he became. Two months and he was having problems finding the energy to go out and hunt and research. Going out into the world, being surrounded by faceless humans, it was hard. These were the creations he was trying to save. Humans with their emotions and free will, they were beautiful and flawed. Every single one of them reminded him somehow of Dean and Sam. A man wearing a leather jacket, tall men, floppy brown hair, short brown hair with a touch of gold, flannel shirts, rock shirts, everything could be related back to the boys. It hurt. It felt as though someone had stabbed him in the stomach each time he remembered them. All the little reminders just made him want to go back even more.
Castiel sighed and stretched out. The motel bed was hard and lumpy underneath him and he couldn't quite understand how Sam and Dean slept in these rooms all the time. He didn't need the room, but it was nice to have a place to come back after everything. He needed somewhat of a base to do research in and well he had nowhere else to go. So motel rooms filled with stolen books and scrolls from libraries and churches. He had enough books and scrolls over lore that would have made Bobby green with envy. They hadn't helped a lot but having them soothed Castiel's nerves. Some days he would be so engrossed in religious text, he could practically hear Dean reprimand him and call him a Nerd Angel.
He never stayed in one place too long, three days at the most. It was just long enough to investigate the town and get out before anyone asked him any questions. Tracking the Leviathans was much easier than Castiel had expected. The leader, who was wearing Dick Roman's face, was always on the television. He knew the Leviathan in an instant. It made his chest hurt with the memory of all those monsters clawing out of his body. That death was the most painful and he could recount every single second of it. So of course he knew exactly who Dick Roman was, the problem was figuring out what Dick was doing. That task seemed to have a lot of bumps in the road. The biggest problem was that he didn't know how to kill Leviathans. Castiel knew that keeping the head separate from the body was a temporary fix. He found that out the hard way. However a definite way to kill Dick eluded him. It was frustrating. He felt as though he was doing nothing to help Sam and Dean.
Castiel stretched out his wings. He needed to fly for a while and clear his mind. Soaring out of the motel room and into the night sky, he flew higher and higher. Flying was the only time he felt at peace anymore, even with Lucifer tagging along. Speaking of the Devil, Castiel turned his head to see his brother appear next to him. Lucifer always appeared whenever he flew. He was beginning to think that the fallen angel missed being able to fly. "You know flying away isn't going to solve your problems. One it's cowardly and two your problems are way too fucked to be fixed that easily." Satan said smirking.
Castiel rolled his eyes and focused on the wind, "I'm not flying away. I'm clearing my head so that I can better assess the problem to find a solution."
"I wasn't speaking of this flight brother."
"I do not know what you mean then." Castiel replied avoiding eye contact and ignoring the drop in his stomach. "Oh please little brother, you are flat out running away from the Winchesters. More specifically you are running away from Dean Winchester." Lucifer snapped cutting him off. Castiel stared at his corrupted brother in front of him. Huge red wings blocked his way from escaping and he desperately wanted to escape. He didn't want to talk about this least of all with someone like Lucifer. He didn't even really want to think about this subject.
"I get it Cassie. You don't want to face the wrath that is Dean's temper. You don't want to face them after you savagely betrayed them and effectively let loose a bunch of extremely strong man eating monsters."
"I did face them." Cas said quietly more to himself than to Lucifer. "You did not! You hid behind the insanity excuse and wrote a damn notebook. You didn't even give them the notebook in person; you cloaked yourself and stared at them from afar like some creeper. Then you ran away under the pretense that it was for their own good. Poor freaking baby. Why are you so afraid of some stupid, weak human?" Lucifer threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes. It was such a simple question, but Castiel was stumped. Was he afraid of Dean? Was he running away from the Winchesters? That couldn't be right. He wanted to see the boys; he wanted to talk and laugh with them again.
"I'm not running away. I want to see them more than ever, most of the time I'd rather be with them." Castiel snapped at his older brother. Lucifer laughed, "Then what's really stopping you?"
"You! You're stopping me! You're not even real. I'm talking to a memory of Sam Winchester's nightmares in the sky, above a city full of people who might or might not get eaten soon. It might not be the best idea for me to be around when they need to focus. I can't even focus because of you half the time." It actually surprised Cas to how tired he sounded. He wasn't even angry. He was just so tired of being angry at Lucifer and himself. "Excuses, that's all you have. You're just scared that they will turn you out and you will truly be alone. You left them before they could leave you, like a damn coward. Father would be so disappointed. Is that how a warrior of Heaven is supposed to act?" The devil drawled flying down towards the city.
Despite everything Cas finds himself following Lucifer. He blames it on curiosity. He seems to grow more and more curious the more time he spends with Sam and Dean. He follows behind the Devil as he drops off on a roof. "You can't say anything about how an angel is supposed to act. You are the original fallen." Castiel says as he lands. Lucifer laughs, "Even I am more of an angel than you are Castiel." Cas flinched back then straightened his back. It hurt but, there was some truth in the statement. He didn't even feel like an angel anymore. The angel that met Dean in the barn so many years ago was gone. He couldn't turn back into that perfect little soldier. He didn't know whether to be happy or sad about that. It was complicated. He wanted to go back to the simple times. A time when his decisions didn't mean saving the world just to have it destroyed by Purgatory's rejects.
"You've never thought rationally about the Winchesters. It's always impulsive or emotional." Lucifer said standing in front of him. "I learned it from them." Castiel shrugged. "Oh yes because learning to think for yourself with the martyr twins as mentors was a good idea. Dean sacrifices himself for his brother and ends up starting a battle for earth, so you sacrifice yourself for them and start a civil war in Heaven for earth. Sam trusted a demon to save his brother and released me from my cage then you trusted the King of Hell to save the Winchesters and released Leviathans from Purgatory. Is it just me or is there a pattern here?"
"I hate you."
"You say the sweetest things." Lucifer batted his eyes at him and Castiel had the strangest urge to take a shower. Sadly not even Satan's bickering couldn't distract him enough from the issue at hand. Should he try to find the boys and help? Would the boys want his help? What should he do? Question upon question piled into Cas's head and he had no answers. Unfortunately it was a state of mind he was use to at this point.
"I don't understand why you are even going to contemplate about this; even I know what you are going to do. You, little brother, are going to fly off to the Winchesters, act all pitiful until they agree to let you help." Lucifer drawled. "What I don't understand is why you seem to want me to go to the Winchesters? Shouldn't you want me to be alone and miserable for the rest of eternity?" Castiel snapped back, pacing the room. He watched as his older brother sighed and stretched. "Oh believe me, you alone and miserable is one of my top ten things I want."
"Yeah, along with the destruction of humans and the obedience of angels."
"You make that sound like a bad thing. Anyway do both of us a favor and go fly off to the Winchesters and let them kill any hope you have left." Lucifer exclaimed throwing his hands in the air. Castiel narrowed his eyes. He was tired of this. He was tired of Lucifer. Clenching his fists and straightening his shoulders back, he faced off to the Devil. "Shut up and go away."
Lucifer laughed, "Do you think that will work on me? You've been telling me to go away for months now."
"I'm stronger now and you have no real power over me. You aren't even real. So leave me alone Lucifer." Castiel said turning away to look up at the moon. It was true, his mind felt stronger than it had in months. He was at least in essence still an angel and it would take a lot more than a hallucination to bring him down. That's all Lucifer was a mere creation of the mind, something that could easily be dealt with. After months of mental and emotional abuse, Cas was done with it. He was done with letting the fake Devil screw with his mind. It was messed up enough as it is and didn't need any more help.
"You need me Cassie. You need me to hide behind so you don't have to see Dean." Lucifer spat out, glaring at him. Castiel sighed, "I may be running from Dean but I'm not running from you anymore. You are nothing more than echo from Sam's mind feeding off my guilt. So once and for all go away."
"You'll regret this little brother. You ne-"
"Shut up and leave you dick." Castiel snapped whirling back around. Lucifer wasn't there. There was no one else on the roof with him. Cas began to smile, he was free. The Devil was gone. He was completely alone. Cas felt his good mood stall and his smile slip off his face. He was actually alone now.
Two weeks later and there was still no sign of Lucifer. Castiel was ashamed to admit it, but he somewhat missed talking to someone. Everything was so much quieter now. The guilt, self-loathing, emotional damage and shame didn't go away either. In fact he was still avoiding the Winchesters. Still he wasn't quite insane, so there was a little progress. Turning his back on thoughts about Lucifer, Cas took a deep breath. The night air was actually rather disgusting, filled with car exhaust and dirty secrets. It never ceased to amaze him how many sinners there were in the human society. However there was something else, a deep musk that seemed familiar. His head snapped up as he drifted towards the familiar scent. Sam and Dean, not powerful enough to be the Winchesters, but perhaps someone who's had contact with the boys. Castiel followed the smell to a bus station. Sitting on a bench was a woman with bright red hair. For a second Cas felt his heart seize and thought of Ana. Of course it wasn't her, but just for a moment his eyes were deceived. She had headphones on and a laptop out. Her arm was in a sling and she looked tired. He kept himself cloaked as he looked over the stranger. She looked so tired and pale. She had definitely been in close contact as the boys, no more than two days ago.
Castiel reached a hand out towards the girls head. For a moment he thought about taking the girl away so he could ask her some questions. The angel shook his head and rolled his eyes. As if he would kidnap a random woman in the middle of a bus station. Besides she probably went through enough being with Sam and Dean. Gently he touched her forehead and searched her mind. Reading her mind wasn't the most polite way of doing things, but she would never know. Still he felt a little bad for invading her privacy like this. Cas ignored the feeling of guilt as his mind filled with memories. The girl's name was Charlie and she use to work for Dick Roman's company.
Flashes passed through his mind: Meeting Dick, hacking into something, reading about Leviathans, seeing her boss get eaten, meeting Sam and Dean. He saw her hack into Dick's email and provide the boys with some insight. Cas felt Charlie's emotions as she came to grips about her life getting thrown into an upheaval. He shared her awkwardness as Dean talked her through flirting with the guard. Her fear when she was almost caught in Dick's office. The overwhelming terror when Dick had her locked in the building. Relief gripped her as Sam and Dean showed up and dragged her away and for a brief moment pride because she helped the boys get whatever Dick wanted. Castiel staggered away from her and took a moment to grasp all of it. Charlie had risked her life to help the boys and was now on the run so the Leviathans couldn't find her.
He looked at the small human in front of him with a burst of gratitude. She was so small and fragile. Her life is not of much importance, but just for a moment she may have helped save everyone. It was amazing to Cas. One average human could change the entire outlook of the world. It really shouldn't surprise him so much. He had been on earth for thousands of years, yet humans never ceased to amaze him. Turning away from Charlie, Cas left the bus station. He flew back to the motel room with his mind racing. Sam and Dean took a package that Dick wanted, which meant the boys were in danger. Well to be fair when weren't in trouble, but Dick would definitely want whatever was in the package back. So the boys are probably trying to find a secure place to open and figure out what it was. He had to think this through, he had to plan, he had to stop thinking about the damn Winchesters and think rationally.
Castiel almost laughed. He really never thought rationally when it came to the Winchesters, especially when it came to Dean. What was in the package they got? Was it important or dangerous? Then again when weren't the Winchester in some kind of danger? It was kind of their state of being, always in some sort of trouble. So the real question was would he go back and help them? Could he do it? Yes! Well maybe, they might not even need Cas's help. Then he would just look like a fool. He already said goodbye to them. Castiel sighed, if he went back it would be just that much harder to say goodbye again. Then again he could look on the bright side and perhaps he wouldn't live through fighting the Leviathans. It's a reasonable thought because more often than not the Winchester's plans always seemed a bit suicidal.
Cas put his head in hands; suicidal plans didn't worry him too much. After dying three times the fear of death becomes somewhat obsolete. When life seems to be nothing more than feeling guilty and lonely, death is a blessing. Of course he wasn't purposely going to try and gank himself. While his life isn't of importance the lives of his friends were and if Castiel could prevent their death in any way he would do it. That is once he manages to swallow his shame and go back to them. This poses a different problem all together. How on earth is he supposed to find them?
Dean stopped praying for him weeks ago. Cas missed the prayers, even if they were blasphemous and slightly threatening. Ok well slightly was an understatement. After Cas had dropped off the notebook, Dean's prayers were mostly insults mixed with threats. They made him smile. It showed that Dean still cared at least a little. Then again there was always the possibility that the hunter was going to go through with the threats, but at least he had prayed for the angel. Lucifer had particularly enjoyed the prayers.
A sudden burst of energy ran through Castiel and he jumped in surprise.
What the hell? Another pulse of energy racked through his body. They kept coming one right after another. It was like someone was hammering energy into him. The last pulse was the largest and longest, Castiel could feel it in his cells it was so strong. His teeth chattered and his head pounded with the power. At the end of it Cas crumpled to the ground and held his head. Images passed through his head. Old thoughts from before the earth filed through his mind. He saw his brother Metatron, the list of prophets, and writing. Oh no this wasn't good.
Castiel stood up and shook his head. This was definitely not good. The word of God was found and opened. The sinking feeling in his stomach told him that this is what Dick was looking for. This meant that the Winchesters opened the word of God. Angels were probably going to go look for it. The Leviathans are already looking for it and a prophet is drawn to it. Winchesters + prophet+ angels+ Leviathans= One immensely large headache+ lots of trouble. He needed to breathe and think of his next move. He needed to be strategic and smart about this or he would just end up useless and dead. Castiel needed to find the best course of action.
Cas smirked and took flight. All doubts and personal fears were erased as he flew higher. None of his worries mattered anymore. He was going to help Sam and Dean whether they liked it or not.
A/N: Sorry this chapter was so short, but I promise the next one will be highly more entertaining. I love self-doubting Cas. I think the stronger his mind gets the more questions he has. I also like to think it shows how much more human he has become. Not going to lie the last three episodes of season seven threw me for a loop. There will be mentions of some of the stuff but I'm also changing a lot as well. I'm actually sad to see Lucifer go but don't think for one second that this means Cas is a lot better. Next chapter Cas is going to really show how messed up he is muhahaha. Reviews= Love