I'm so happy you all still enjoy this story. To answer the questions of where all this comes from, only God knows… It's my personality. Those who follow my personal twitter are well aware that I have many whacked out conversations with my mother (the prude with a surprising sense of humor) in our up and down relationship. That also inspires my looniness. LOL. Basically, I've always been a comedian with bitchy tendencies. I'm very uncensored and outspoken like some characters in this. I think that's what makes this fun to write.

As usual, please take the time to leave your thoughts.

UNEDITED.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Project Hokey Pokey

After returning from a long day of community service, Alexis was exhausted. It seemed as though the cases entailing the most paperwork were thrown onto her desk that day. Although the work was rewarding, she could not help but feel as though the other attorney's at legal services were taking advantage of her expertise. While she toiled like a slave without time for lunch, she could see from her corner cubicle her coworkers chatting as though they did not have a care in the world. Once five o'clock arrived, she flew out of door and headed home.

- "Where are you three?"

Seeing Sam's car parked in the driveway, she expected some sign of life in her house. Oddly, it was dark.

- "Anybody home? I've got pizza!"

She wondered where the girls had gone. Unsurprisingly, however, she found a note on the living room table.

"'Girls and I went out with OD (Original Dad). Hokey Pokey… if you… well, he… can. Love you, Sam and the Weenies (no pun)'"

Shaking her head, she put the note back onto the table on top of the pizza she had brought home, and made her way to her bedroom. Seeing as she would have the house to herself for some time, she decided to take a long bubble bath; it had been a while since she was able to do such a thing without any interruptions.

- "Phone off. "

She threw it onto her bed.

- "Clothes."

Too exhausted to put them into the hamper, Alexis did as her daughter's insisted on doing: she lazily tossed her clothing onto the floor. She would worry about them later.

- "iPod."

She grabbed it off her speakers.

- "Aaaand headphones."

She opened her drawer, but…

- "Of course they're gone."

She went into the back of her closet where she kept numerous extras of the things her daughters steal from her room: headphones, shampoo, conditioner, bubblebath, etc.

- "Thieves. Let's try this again…"

She quickly found a pack.

- "Aaaaaand headphones."

Armed with her essentials, Alexis went into her bathroom, filled the tub with warm water and bubbles, and submerged herself. If heaven existed, she was in it.

- "Playlist… Brahms."

She pulled her reading table to her, placed her iPod onto it, put her headphones into her ears, shut her eyes, leaned her head against her bath pillow, and quickly fell asleep.

- "Alexis?"

She lied in her bed snuggling with their newborn baby; she was fed, changed, and slowly drifting asleep for her nap. Her husband's call for her startled the child awake.

- "I just got her calmed down! Look at what you did!"

He shook his head as he dragged their eldest daughter into the room.

- "Well, somebody has managed to get taken in by the police—"

Alexis immediately stood.

- "ARRESTED?"

Seeing as the baby would not calm, she put a pacifier into her mouth before bouncing her in her arms. She ensured to do so calmly, hoping the agitation she felt as her daughter's latest stunt would not be felt by her little one.

- "Fifteen years old and—"

Sam rolled her eyes.

- "I didn't get ARRESTED, MOM. I was taken in. Really, I think that kinky cop, Cruz, just wanted to see me in handcuffs—"

Mathieu nearly laughed, but his impulse was quickly quelled by his wife's glare.

- "That isn't funny, Samantha. Your mother is not happy with you right now."

Alexis kept her glare onto her husband for a moment before turning her attention back to her trouble-seeking daughter.

- "What did you do, THIS time? Huh?"

The teen crossed her arms against her chest.

- "Nothing."

Mathieu knew, but he dared not speak; his wife was looking for a response from their daughter.

- "I'm going to ask you this one last time, Sam. Answer wrongly and you'll be sorry. What did you do THIS time to get TAKEN into the police department?"

Sam nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders.

- "Ok fine. I MAY have told him that if he holds onto his nightstick any harder his real one was going to turn on him in jealousy. I told him that he'd be left so limp that he'd be wishing for a beating. I also told him that he's probably so pent up that he could probably extinguish a forest fire with his—"

Mathieu had held his laughter in for so long his face turned red, his nose felt as though it would explode, and his eyes watered. His daughter's mouth had gotten her into trouble and onto punishment on more occasions than he could count. His entertainment at her lack of impulse control rendered the same, albeit more torturous, result. As a result, before Alexis could scream at him, he quickly grabbed the baby from her arms, and made his way to the door.

- "Er… I… I'm sparing Krissy from… such filth. Samantha, you should be ashamed."

She shook her head as she watched him walk out of the room. She would… punish him… later.

- "Ok—"

She grabbed Sam by the arm and sat her on the bed.

- "What in the world compelled that tongue-lashing?"

- "He should be so lucky."

She pointed a threatening finger at her daughter.

- "This is NOT the time to be… cute. Answer me."

Letting out a sigh, Sam pursed her lips before responding.

- "He called me a truant, grabbed me by the arm, and tried to get me to go back to—"

She stopped speaking. In a matter of seconds, she had managed to dig herself into a bigger hole.

- "Damn."

Alexis nodded in agreement.

- "Yup. Damn is right. You want to talk filth and skip school? Well, let's see here; I'm not a pro at this as much as you clearly are, but I'm going to give it a whirl."

The teen sighed.

- "Just punish me and get it over with, please. I need to pee."

She grabbed her daughter by the arm and led her to the bathroom.

- "By the end of the night, your hand will be so sore from gripping wood. Your wrist will want to fall off as you stroke it along a hard surface. Your mouth will be filled with a hard creamy goodness a bit off on the taste buds; you'll swallow at your own caution. And keep going, your bottom will be so sore you wont be able to walk straight or sit on it."

And for good measure, she gave it a swat.

- "Got it?"

Sam slowly nodded as she closed the bathroom door. Her mother did not make idle threats.

- "Pervert."

Sam frowned as she pulled the headphones from her mother's ears.

- "Hey! I take offense to that! I wouldn't be in here unless it were important."

Startled from the realization that she was no longer home alone, Alexis screamed. She brought the bubbles closer to her.

- "Jesus Christ, Samantha! Get out. Are you adding Peeping Tom to your resume, now?"

Sam shook her head.

- "God noooo… Trust me, I have a list of people I'd like to peep on, and nowhere are you listed."

She rubbed her eyes in irritation.

- "Then what do you want?"

- "I have something to tell you. Something that you might want to know and deal with… like now."

- "While I'm in the tub? It couldn't have waited until I was… gee… I don't know, dressed?"

Rolling her eyes, Sam sat on the edge of the tub.

- "Well, no… not particularly. Buuuut, you… um… okay—"

Her daughters, the eldest and the youngest, seemed to always have things to tell her when she was in the bathroom. It seemed as though they timed their crises at that precise moment. She really needed to remember to lock her door.

- "Stop rambling and get to the point please. I mean, why couldn't you wait, saaaaay ten more minutes—"

- "Mom, please! You were knocked out in here calling me a pervert—"

She covered her face before glaring at her daughter.

- "I wasn't calling YOU a pervert, I was calling the teen you, the one in my dream—"

Seeing the look of confusion on Sam's face, she waved her hands in the air. She would have told the younger woman about her dream, but she did not want to hear any smart-alecky comments. In fact, she had this had not been the first time in the past month that she had had a similar dream. In every single one, she was married to Mathieu, Sam was of course their daughter, as was Kristina, but Molly was either a newborn, or had yet to be born. Regardless the situation, and despite her confusion as to why she was married to the man when she was in a happy relationship with Mac, one thing was certain, her daughter would have still been a smart-ass pervert even if raised as planned.

- "You know what, forget it. Just hurry up and tell me what you want so that I can get out. The moment is ruined."

Sam smirked.

- "Do you need a few minutes to—"

- "No, I was just—"

She stopped. Her daughter was once again being… herself.

- "I was OBVIOUSLY sleeping and enjoying a few moments of peace without it being interrupted. Goodness! I'm pretty grateful for Kristina right now; she's so disgusted by the thought of seeing me undressed, she steers clear of my bathroom at all costs. You and that little one, on the other hand, neither of you have boundaries."

- "We learn it from our Mama."

Admittedly, she was not known for her knocking skills, but as she saw it, she paid the mortgage. Every room in the house belonged to her.

- "ANYWAY. What exactly do you want?"

Before her mother had a fit, Sam figured it best to blurt out, in her circular way, the news.

- "Remember about five years ago, on a snowy day, a cute and precocious six year old came screaming and crying into the house over an angel she was convinced had been shot by her Uncle Sonny's men?"

Alexis shut her eyes; the memory was engrained into her mind. It was by far the funniest thing that her youngest daughter had ever done… albeit traumatizing.

- "Kristina's snow angel."

Sam continued in the hopes that what she was saying would be made clear without her having to actually say the words.

- "Well, that little six year old hasn't harmed an angel as our dear Krissy did… actually, just her pants… while rolling a big ball… towards a gaping hole… blocked by—"

And before the incident could be turned into filth, Alexis sat up in shock.

- "Wait, did Molly…"

Seeing the knowing look from her shocked mother, Sam nodded.

- "Bingo! And by the way, I'm just going to put this out there, Mom, but Mati really knows how to get it in."

Alexis' eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

- "WHAT?"

Sam shook her head as she grabbed a towel.

- "Bowling… we were bowling. JESUS, get your head out of the gutter! He bowled many a strike today."

She handed it to her mother.

- "Now, put the twins away; you don't want to ruin their shelf life on me. Save that for eventual Maclovin'. You've got a blooming flower to speak to before we head out—"

Wrapping herself in the towel, she got out of the tub as Sam walked out of the bathroom.

- "And where are we supposed to be headed?"

Not stopping to be told no, she called over her shoulder.

- "JAKE'S!"

- "Alright, so far Team Frog Legs is in the lead by a strike, can Team Gargoyle acquire enough velocity to—"

Sam laughed as she interrupted her youngest sister's commentary on their bowling game. As it turned out, their teams were easily matched: Mati joined forces with Sam, while Molly played with Kristina. Neither Sam nor Kristina could completely get a grasp on the sport.

- "Hey, stop that! The only reason why you and Krissy are so close to us is because you're calculating wind speed and all that jazz. If we were playing blackjack, you'd be kicked out on your ass—"

Mati tapped her knee. He had come to learn in the short time that he had known her, that she had quite the vocabulary and way with words much of which was unappreciated by her mother.

- "Samantha."

She rolled her eyes.

- "Butt. You can't do math in a friendly game of 'You're going doooown.'"

Kristina handed Molly her bowling ball.

- "Ignore her, Mol. Sam's just jealous that we—"

Molly shook her head.

- "That I'm about to beat her, Kristina. You're just as bad as she is in this game. You're too concerned with your nails, and Sam… I don't know… she's great at shooting things—"

Sam quickly stood and covered her little sister's mouth as she innocently smiled at her father.

- "She's so funny. We've played countless shooting games at carnivals. I've won her many a teddy bear because I'm great at aiming the squirt gun at the holes… big or small."

- "Speaking of—"

Sam stretched toward Kristina; she used her other hand to cover her mouth while turning to look at her father.

- "She just wants to know if you… um… if you… oh hell… Molly, just play. Kristina…"

She glared at the smiling teen.

- "I'll be paying you back for that one."

Kristina rolled her eyes.

- "We'll see about that…"

She lowered her voice.

- "Project Pokey."

Sam turned to look if her father had heard her sister. From what she could tell, the man was oblivious as he smiled at them. She had grown to love her father.

- "Don't mind us—"

She turned back to her sister.

- "Make another mention of that, and I'll see to it that that picture I have floating around on one of my many computers is released into the cyberworld, courtesy of Spinelli."

Kristina quickly relented. Her sister, like their mother, did not make idle threats.

- "Fine."

Mati simply stared and smiled at the scene. He had spent many years focused on his studies, angry at his parents, and simply sleeping around without any real thought to starting a family of his own after losing the one that he had wanted most in the world, that he never had this: children… bickering ones… but nevertheless children. Over the month, he had enjoyed spending time with his daughter and her sisters. He loved getting to know Sam in all types of situations: with her mother, boyfriend, friends, and now sisters. Her personality was similar to his.

Turning to look at the little one who had taken so easily to him, he tapped Sam.

- "Samantha, I think you should… you should… er—"

She stared at him. There really was no hope for her after all; both her parents rambled nervously.

- "What's the problem?"

He pointed to Molly who had just gone into position to bowl her turn. Sam's eyes widened as she looked for something to cover her sister up.

- "Oh… sh!t. Kristina—"

She grabbed her ATM card from her backpocket.

- "Go get Molly some… you know… like now. But don't get the other stuff… I think Mom should teach her how to… you know. Get her the other stuff."

Kristina nodded.

- "Okay."

Sam stopped her.

- "And a change of pants… and… well, underwear."

- "Ok, got it. Um… just take care of… that before anyone else notices."

She pulled an unaware Molly to her.

- "Don't panic, Mol; uuuum… little red riding hood just lost her life."

- "What?"

Sam walked her directly into the bathroom.

- "Mom will explain that to you when we get home. Just pray Diane is nowhere around and don't make any mention of anything you're about to figure out in front of her. You'll be even more screwed up then.."

Luckily the alley was empty; they would lock themselves in there until Kristina returned.

- "Okay, let me do all the talking okay? Mac can't stand you, and he's definitely not going to want to spend any more time with you if you open your mouth and say something stupid."

Spinelli immediately began to fix his hair, straighten the tie that Maxie had made him wear, and adjust the strap on his laptop bag he had refused to leave behind.

- "Alright Maximista, the Jackal shall ensure to remain as quiet as a samurai in the night. You, my little love vessel can trust in me to be cooperative."

She snuck a quick kiss before unlocking the door to her father's house.

- "You'd better, otherwise love potion #9 won't be going anywhere near this vessel for a very, very long time… or at least not tonight… and maybe not tomorrow. I can't punish myself you know. A happy Queenie is a happy—"

He stopped her poor attempt at being clever. His love was more of a blunt speaker; double entendres was not her forte.

- "Whatever Maximista likes, she will get."

They entered the house to the scent of dinner being made in the kitchen. Spinelli's stomach automatically began to growl.

- "The Jackal feels enticed by the wonderful scent of barbecue. Perhaps the guardian of justice has taken to the jackal? He is preparing one of his favorite meals?"

She pushed him forward before he became lost in his love affair with all things barbecue.

- "Don't go getting all sentimental, Spinelli! It took over a month for me to get him to even allow you into his house; if you start speaking your Spinelli speak that he doesn't understand and insinuate that he loves you or whatever because I happened to tell him that he had better cook something that you'll like, I will crush your chips. Got it?"

Spinelli nervously laughed; she was not joking.

- "Okay."

Maxie gave his backside a squeeze as she led him into the kitchen where Mac was setting out the food.

- "Hi, Daddy!"

She gave him a kiss and a hug.

- "Sorry we're late—"

Mac glared at his non-son-in-law.

- "Please don't tell me—"

She scoffed at his insinuation.

- "Goodness Daddy! Unlike you, I don't share certain private things! I was busy at work! Kate's been in a bitchy mood lately since she and Coleman broke up… you know… she hasn't… in a long time. I mean, not as long as you, but—"

He hated that his business, or lack thereof, with Alexis was common knowledge. He had attempted to befriend Patrick as his confidante, but Robin seemed to beat, in more ways than he cared to think, the information out of him. And from there, Robin told Maxie, then Maxie told Sam, who confronted Alexis with Diane, of course, present. There was something about Alexis that gave him performance anxiety.

- "Thank you very much, Maxie. I don't think your Jackass—"

Spinelli put his hand up as though he were some schoolboy.

- "Um… excuse me, guardian of—"

At Mac's glower, he corrected himself.

- "Co… commissioner… Scorpio… I am the Jackal… but… I guess it is easily confused. Um… carry on."

Maxie smiled sympathetically at her nervous non-husband. They were two very different people, but they were meant to be. Her sister's death had brought them together.

- "Listen Mac, I'm not going to lie to you or anything. I'm going to be completely straight and honest. I want you to go out with us to Jake's. I think the reason you can't get it up and play Cowboys and Indians with Alexis because you still haven't learned to loosen up. You're too… uptight… instead of being… up right."

His face reddened. Although Spinelli continued to act as though he was not paying any attention to the highly revealing conversation, he sunk deeper into the kitchen chair to the point where more than half of his body was under the table. Before the klutz caused the food on the table to fall over on top of him, Mac pulled Maxie from the room.

- "Okay, you have been trying too hard to move things along with my relationship with Alexis. I think you crossed the line yesterday with the Viagra laced smoothie. Thank God Robin had enough sense to warn me before I drank it. I could've had a heart attack—"

She shook her head.

- "Not if you had called Alexis to unclog your arteries for you."

Before he could speak further, she put her finger to his lips.

- "I know that you're uncomfortable with these conversations, Daddy, but so am I. Believe me, I didn't think that I would be spending my every waking hour for the past month trying to get you laid! This hasn't been the most thrilling time for my own sex life—"

- "MAXIE!"

She rolled her eyes.

- "Listen, you keep acting like a fish out of water, all floppy without any sense, and Alexis is going to leave you for Mathieu! Do you want that?"

His mind went back to their disastrous date of cherry pie and porn, and the sight he had seen after dropping her home.

- "No."

She put her hand on his shoulder.

- "He's already got her kids wrapped around his finger, Daddy; you do NOT want her hooha wrapped around his little weewee. Get it together! You've got a fish to catch!"

She returned to the kitchen to retrieve her cell.

"Project Hokey, accomplished."

- "Well, that was an interesting evening."

They sat in the driveway of her house with the lights of her turned off; she did not want to signal to her children that she had arrived. Luckily for her, both of them (well, including Sam's car which she currently had in her possession) drove hybrid cars that could quietly be started.

- "I'm really sorry about Sam's—"

He shook his head.

- "If you apologize for Sam's ploys throughout the night, then you'd be calling me a moron for actually asking her help—"

Thinking about the stunts he had pulled over the week, she laughed aloud.

- "Well, you have to admit that you've been in rare form, Mac. I mean, you choosing Sam to help you on our date would be like me asking Maxie for tips on… you know. Those are things that you should just never do… Like, NEVER."

He joined in her laughter; she was right.

- "Fine… fine… even though you won't explicitly say it, I guess I will: I'm an idiot. I'll have Robin send you a bouquet of flowers for me—"

- "As long as you write the card yourself."

He leaned forward to give her a kiss.

- "You've got a deal."

She wiped the lipstick that remained on his lips.

- "Now, we have to be very smart about this. I'm going to back my car out so you can get yours, then I'm going to sneak into the house from the back. I do NOT want my nosey daughter asking if your dynamite stick exploded, or if I rode your pogo stick, or anything of the sort. I'm going to just get undressed and crawl into bed—"

He raised an eyebrow at the mention of her undressed. He could now appreciate what he would hopefully soon willingly and soberly have. He could not wait.

- "Hmm… That's a nice thing to think about."

Putting her hand over his mouth, she smiled in only the way she could; she made his… insides tingle.

- "Be careful Commissioner; I'd hate for you to ruin this moment with one of your infamous foot in mouth comments."

Not allowing him to say another word she unlocked the door.

- "Out you go, Mr. Scorpio. Thank you for a wonderful evening. We'll talk tomorrow."

He attempted to say goodnight, but she shook her head and waved him out of the car. Once he had tiptoed toward his car, she reversed out, and allowed him to do the same. As she moved Sam's car to the spot Mac had previously occupied, she finally noticed a car she had never before seen.

She looked at her watch.

- "It's two o'clock in the morning. Who in the world—"

She tiptoed toward the porch. The sight before her made her smile: Kristina was half asleep with her head on Sam's lap, while Molly snuggled into the man on whose shoulder Sam had rested her head and continued to watch the television. They looked like a family.

- "Wow."

She smiled for a moment before making her way to the back of the house. She never noticed the man sitting in the car watching to ensure that she had made it inside safely. She did not see the look of sadness in his eyes at the thought that he might not be a worthy competitor for her heart.

Hearing her mother reenter her bedroom, Sam walked out of the closet holding up an outfit she deemed appropriate for the evening. According to the message she had received from Maxie, their plan seemed to be a go for Mac; now was the time to get her mother on board… so she could finally be… on his board.

- "How'd it go?"

Alexis ignored the fact that Sam had returned to pester her, and placed back the book she had taken from her bookshelf.

- "She was embarrassed. Poor Molly had to get it in the middle of a bowling alley… with your father being the one to notice. Geez, at least Kristina's first period happened while she was home with you nearly hyperventilating from laughter. She's mortified. I swear she's going to have a complex. Snow angels and bowling alleys. Goodness."

Sam put the clothes she had chosen onto the bed then grabbed the book she had just seen her mother sneakily return.

- "'Your Body and You.' Wow. You showed her pictures?"

She shrugged. That was how she had gotten through the uncomfortable explanation with Kristina.

- "She likes books! I didn't know what to do about it. It's never the most comfortable situation. When I was a kid and this happened, I wouldn't have dared go to Stefan for advice about this. I loved him, but he was a prude—"

Sam smirked.

- "Color me surprised."

Taking a seat beside her daughter on the bed, Alexis let out a sigh.

- "Yea, you're right. And because of that, I didn't have anyone to tell me that I wasn't dying. So, when I had Kristina, I had to learn as I went along. The books helped with her… although she was a lot like what I'm sure you would have been, sassy and annoying—"

They may have been raised in two different socioeconomic classes, but their upbringings were the same; they had no one. Sam wished that she had been her mother's guinea pig.

- "Thanks, Mom."

Alexis laughed.

- "I'm serious! You two are cut from the same cloth… literally. But, my Molly, she's a sweetheart. She's still my baby. This was a piece of cake. I showed her the books, asked her which thing she would prefer to use… of course she wanted to be like her sisters. So, I showed her pictures on how to use it, she did it, and that was it. By the end, I think I was more traumatized than she was."

Sam's phone buzzed.

"Well?"

She ran her fingers through her hair thinking of how she would convince her mother to go out for drinks. She knew that the woman had had a long day at the office, which was why she got Mathieu to take her and her sister's bowling; she wanted the woman to have some relax time before she sprung the evening's outing on her.

- "Alright! Now that that's done and over with, how about you get dressed so we can go out."

Alexis immediately shook her head.

- "Sam, I'm exhausted; I just want to curl up in my bed, read a book, and go to bed. Can we do this tomorrow or something?"

Sam's phone went off again.

"Make sure she looks like a Playboy Bunny… well, the best way she knows how seeing as she's two and a half times a normal—"

The message cut off for excessive characters.

- "Mom, please! Just come with me! Kate… she's going. When was the last time you saw her?"

She once again held up the outfit.

- "Please? It's going to be fuuuuun. We'll have some drinks, chat a little, and head home if you get bored. Come on!"

Groaning in agitation, Alexis grabbed her clothes from her daughter.

- "You're really becoming a thorn in my side."

She walked into her closet and closed the door leaving Sam to giddily text Maxie.

"Project Pokey, done. Phase two: Hokey Pokey. See you in a few."