Chapter 4: Shedding Light on Things

My heart had become as light as the rest of my body as I had soared through the night. Not only did my flight relax me both physically and emotionally, but I had felt the bond with Sookie remain tranquil. Which was more than I could say for the other bonds I could feel in my body; Pam had been filled with rage at some point during the evening and an unexplained third bond had percolated with terror.

I barely knew what to do with my own feelings, much less all these others'. So I just kept flying until it all fell away.

I was just noticing with surprise (and maybe a little guilt) that Sookie still seemed to be awake although it was nearing dawn when I felt a sudden rush of fear from her. Heedless of my earlier reluctance to return to the farmhouse, I shot towards her home.

As I neared the house, a scent drifted to me on the breeze, so potent that I felt nearly dizzy inhaling it. At first I thought it was just the vestiges of my remaining hunger making the smell so intoxicating, but as I drew closer, the scintillating perfume seemed to reach out and grab me, begging me to follow. The scent was similar to Sookie's enticing sweetness, but this was richer and more powerful, and while Sookie's scent allured and tantalized, this odor demanded response.

My fangs were out and my body was in full-alert mode before I could even speculate about the source of the distraction. If anyone other than Sookie had been at risk, I would have succumbed to the overwhelming desire to simply follow my nose and embrace the freedom and exhilaration the air promised, but I resisted the draw and concentrated on reaching her before she was harmed by whatever had frightened her. I was shocked when I realized that both the irresistible aroma and my bond with Sookie were tugging me to the same location: the front of our home.

A slender, dark-haired woman stood at the foot of the front steps, dressed in an elaborate and clinging lace-trimmed gown. She would no doubt have been considered beautiful by most standards, but her appearance was lost on me as I realized that she was what smelled so good. She could have looked like a bundled sack of potatoes and I still would have been dazed with desire for her. Not sensual desire; raw, primal hunger.

"Now, come with me while you still can," the bestmealevermusthaveitnow demanded of Sookie, thrusting out her hand insistently as if to grab Sookie and spirit her away.

"I thought the Queen closed all the portals –" I heard Sookie begin as her fear ratcheted up inside her. I didn't quite understand how the dark-haired woman who looked so ethereal and smelled so delicious could be a threat, but it didn't matter; it was clear that Sookie was intimidated by the stranger for some reason and I trusted Sookie's judgment.

"Come with me!" the delicioussweetmorsel commanded, cutting Sookie off. As Sookie hesitated on the porch, the woman grew impatient. "Sookie, this is not a request!"

"Stay away from me," Sookie spat out, backing away in fear.

I didn't know what the smellssogoodHAVEtotasteit was, but she was trying to take Sookie somewhere that Sookie did not want to go and I could not let her do that. Before she could move any closer to Sookie, I snatched her at vamp speed and, before she could defend herself, dragged her several yards away from Sookie, throwing her to the ground as I attacked her throat with my teeth.

I fully intended to bite her, but even I was not prepared for what happened when I did. As I sank my fangs into the front of her neck and the nectar that was her blood touched my tongue, my unsatisfied appetite roared to life and I found myself not merely drinking but tearing, guzzling and gulping at her neck with escalating frenzy. The entire world seemed to collapse down to the astonishing fountain of life that was pouring across my taste buds and down my ravenous throat.

I was dimly aware of Sookie calling my name frantically as the creature whose luscious liquid I was quaffing so ferociously moaned beneath me. I lost my last remnant of control, my fangs wildly savaging her neck at vampire speed as I eagerly drained the precious fluid from her veins. As I drew again and again, I felt something strange happening to the body I held in my arms, but nothing could dissuade me from my focus on getting Every. Last. Drop.

When I finally drew my bloodied mouth away from the desiccated figure, I was stunned to see that it was no longer a stunningly beautiful woman, but a creature with taloned fingers, inhumanly angled feet, pointed ears and a mouth full of sharp teeth that made my twin fangs look relatively harmless.

I was still staring in befuddlement at the changed corpse when it suddenly burst into a whirlwind of sparks that left behind a gritty coating of grey dust on my hands (why did that seem familiar?) and flooded the air around me with sunlight before vanishing, leaving me once again in the dark.

Dazedly, I stared at my filthy hands and then looked up at Sookie, who was regarding me with astonishment and horror from several feet away. "You just killed my fairy godmother!" she burst out.

Shit. Fuck. Shit. "S-sorry," I stammered out in embarrassment. Biting asshole. Vaguely I could feel that while Sookie was shocked, she was not as angry as I might have expected if this so-called "fairy godmother" had been someone Sookie had cared deeply for. The creature had been trying to abduct her, so I hoped she would eventually forgive me for my…overkill. I gave Sookie an awkward half smile in apology, self-conscious about having fed in front of her so feverishly. I didn't feel awkward for very long, however; my head – no, my entire body – had begun to buzz in an almost pleasant way and I felt a rising tide of giddiness that swept away my tiny ripples of anxiety, drowning them in waves of bliss.

I could feel that Sookie was still afraid, but I dimly heard her speaking hurriedly about my needing to get in the house because the creature's friends might be coming, so she wasn't afraid of me. And on that happy, relieved thought, I promptly face-planted in the dirt with a grunt.

~*E&S*~

The dirt made a surprisingly soft pillow and I found I enjoyed its earthy smell up close. I lay on the ground with my eyes closed, reveling in the sensations that were flowing through my body. I was actually quite content to just lie there face down in the dirt, unmoving, but Sookie – beautiful, concerned Sookie – was still worried about me.

"We're heading for the cubby, you hear me?" she insisted before jabbing me in the shoulder with a finger to get my attention. "Hey!"

Woozily I struggled to my feet. It wasn't right to distress Sookie, especially when I was feeling so incredibly good. Okay, maybe a little spacy and physically as loose as a puppet with cut strings, but sweet, kind Sookie really shouldn't have to worry about me. I was fine. Never better, in fact. As I blinked at her, I couldn't help but grin. Gods, she was so incredibly beautiful. And sexy in her short little worker's uniform. "Hey," I murmured appreciatively before beginning to stumble closer to her. She was perfect.

Not only did she look good, but she smelled good, too. Not as intoxicating as the creature I had just imbibed from, but still extremely tantalizing. Sookie's blood was calling to me, not with the urgency of the other woman's, but with a sweet coaxing: Taste me. Draw me into you…

Or maybe that was her lips. Or another soft, more intimate part of her body. Mmmmm.

I wanted Sookie.

And I didn't mean just her blood. I wanted all of her, every delectable inch.

I tottered towards her, the ground swaying beneath my bare feet as I fixated on her adorably tanned neck. "Want –" I tried to mumble, but for a moment it seemed just too hard to talk, so I just gestured towards her throat with a pointed finger.

"Quit!" Sookie cried out, backing away from me.

"I want more," I rumbled thickly, continuing to lumber towards her retreating form.

"You can't have more. There isn't any more. You drank the whole fairy," Sookie snapped sharply. "And you're going to your room!"

I leaned in towards the enticing curve of Sookie's neck, casually flipping her braid out of the way with my hand in order to give me clear access to that intoxicating pulse point. "I'll drink you," I muttered, anxious to press my lips against her skin. While I couldn't remember what biting a human was like in detail, I knew I wanted to make my first (remembered) time with her as special for her as it would be for me. I wanted to nuzzle into the warm curve beneath her chin, lave the sensitive thread of her life force with my tongue, and suck her tender flesh to a rosy flush before entering her with my fangs. If I did it properly, she would find it arousing and sensual rather than painful. A taste of my gorgeous Sookie – just a taste – would make my night complete.

It was her feelings more than her voice that brought me up short.

"Eric, you'll kill me, no!" she cried. I felt the rush of her genuine panic and terror engulf both of us through our one-way bond.

She really expected me to kill her if I bit her.

I pulled back sharply from Sookie, shocked and, frankly, hurt that she would assume I was even capable of such a thing.

"I would never harm you," I said, frowning indignantly and retracting my fangs to emphasize the point.

And if I ever had any doubt that she couldn't feel my feelings in the way I felt hers, the fact that she could even conceive such a thing sealed it. If only we had a bond that worked both ways, she would know how I felt, know she was safe with me.

"You better not," Sookie muttered darkly, as she pulled her braid against her neck as if to guard against my fangs. "Come on. I'll tuck you in."

Her words gave me the mental image of tiny Sookie putting oversized me into my bed, pulling up my blankets and giving me a kiss on the head, which made me laugh a little. If she tucked me into my bed, it wasn't a child-like kiss on the head that I would want.

Sookie began to march towards the house, obviously expecting me to follow. As I trailed behind her, I couldn't help but be entranced by the beautiful curve of her bottom in her ridiculously short black shorts. Feeling playful, I snuck up behind her at vamp speed and speedily pinched her delectable backside with my right hand before darting around in front of her with a grin.

"Hey!" Sookie squealed, slapping her hands to her hips as if to protect her vulnerable backside. "Did you just pinch my butt?"

I circled around behind her again, admiring my target some more. "Beautiful butt," I murmured appreciatively. Beautiful everything, really.

"Well, thanks, but hands off!" Sookie responded.

This time I used both my hands as pincers, one for each perfect globe, before darting away from her with a laugh.

"Hey! I said -" Sookie started to chastise me. I only laughed harder at her reaction. Something in my behavior must have finally clicked for her as her mouth suddenly dropped open and she blurted in astonishment, "You're drunk!"

I don't know if what I felt was drunk, so much as happy – ecstatic even. And very, very playful.

I leaned over as if to whisper something confidential. "Catch me!" I darted off at vamp speed, hoping she would give chase.

I had already reached the far end of her yard when I heard her call. "Get back here!"

Within seconds, I was standing close to her again, grinning with pleasure.

"I'm trying to help you," she said urgently. "You can't do this. Get back in the house right now!" I could feel her genuine worry for me. She was being sweet and considerate, but it was utterly unnecessary. I felt so incredibly good – relaxed, free and invincible. I wanted to share those feelings with Sookie. We could be having so much fun.

Playfully, I darted around the yard again, stopping at several points to see if Sookie followed. When she didn't, I zipped back to her and leaned over from behind to whisper the answer to her command to go back into the house. "Never!"

"It'll be dawn soon!" Sookie insisted anxiously.

"I don't care," I laughed in return. I feared nothing at the moment; not the sun, not my unknown enemies, not even the mystery of what kind of vampire I was when I had all my memories intact. All was right and possible in my world and I intended to go enjoy it. Even if Sookie was not feeling brave enough – yet – to join me. Trusting that she would come around and follow me into the bliss that was about to be my morning, I zipped off into the woods, leaving Sookie calling my name.

The sky was beginning to lighten and I realized joyfully that I was going to be awake to see the sunrise. I suddenly realized that since I didn't know how old I was – maybe Sookie knew? – I didn't know how long it had been since I had seen one, but my instincts said it had been a long, long time. While the sky was still a darkling grey, I launched myself up into the air and coasted on the autumn winds, looking for the horizon over which the sun would rise. Without the sun as a reference point, distinctions like east and west were just directions to vampires, no different than left or right in the endless darkness.

As I rose above the trees, I could see the nearly full moon setting and knew then that that was west and the new sun would rise precisely opposite just as the full moon set. I spun myself giddily in the air out of sheer excitement and then focused on the now-identified eastern horizon, where I could see hints of pink. As I hovered in the air, I also realized I could hear birds beginning to sing in the trees below me, a surprisingly loud chorus of music.

As the sun's first rays crept over the horizon and the air around me grew brighter with sunlight, I vaguely realized that someone might actually see me floating here in the sky. While I wasn't frightened at the idea of being seen – I felt far too invincible to be very worried – I did think I would enjoy the sunrise more if I were not interrupted by anyone who might spot me, so I lowered myself gently into a nearby treetop. Perched among the leaves, I watched as the giant orange ball of light began to tiptoe and then pour towards me over the distant skyline.

It was glorious.

I don't know if I had ever truly appreciated a sunrise as a human, but now, as a vampire, I couldn't help but be struck by the incredible, awesome beauty of what I was seeing. The astonishing colors of the clouds as the sun rose up from its hiding place; the way that the endless sea of night lightened and the ground began to reveal the solitary shadows of individual objects instead of merging everything into a solid pool of darkness; the way everything on the earth below – the plants, the animals, the humans – seemed to respond to the new presence of the light by turning to it or moving around more under its influence.

It was miraculous, wondrous, magnificent.

I was so lost in the vision of what I was seeing that it took me a moment to realize I could feel the sun's rays as they touched my skin – and that I wasn't burning. I hadn't realized I would be safe in the sun; I simply hadn't cared whether I was or not. But now that I could feel the heat along my face and my bared arms, I recognized that it wasn't hurting me.

I sat, warming myself in the sun, until it was all the way up over the horizon and day had fully dawned. Everything smelled sweeter in the warmth of the sunlight: the leaves, the grass far below.

The water.

I suddenly realized I could smell water. I loved water.

I followed my nose.

~*E&S*~

The enticing water smell was coming from a small lake not too far from my and Sookie's house. The surface was shimmering like jewels in the sunlight, begging me to immerse myself in its cool, greenish depths. Taking advantage of my supernatural speed, I stripped myself of all my clothing, leaving it in a hasty pile on the bank and dove into the water.

It looked so different underneath the surface with the sunlight to illuminate everything. There was so much color, so much detail that was usually lost in the darkness, even to my vampire eyesight. I glided beneath the water, entranced with the way the light revealed the normally hidden depths. I enjoyed the physical sensation of the lake as it caressed my skin and the way I could feel the top layer of the water beginning to warm ever so slightly from the sun. There were fish in the depths and I was elated to find that they did not react negatively to my presence, but simply swam alongside me as I glided through the sparkling coolness.

I felt peaceful and happy, at one with all around me. The only thing missing was someone – no, not just "someone," Sookie – to share it with me.

Just as I was thinking that this exhilarating experience could only be improved by Sookie's presence, I felt through our bond that she was finally coming closer. Overjoyed at the thought that she had finally decided to join me, I paddled towards the surface.

"I know you don't like him, but if he dies, Pam will kill me," I heard through the muffle of the water. Sookie was standing on the edge of the lake, near where I had left my clothes, a large red blanket bundled into her arms, talking to – talking to a wolf? Whatever she was talking to, I didn't care, I was so happy to finallysee her. My heart was bubbling over with joy and I could share everything with her now that she was here.

"Hey, Sookie!" I called to her happily. "Where've you been?" I splashed water and threw my arms open to her in invitation. "Come! Come play with me! It's wonderful here!" I deepened my voice playfully. "I am Ægir, god of the sea," I said, gesturing dramatically. "And you are Rán, my sea goddess!"

Sookie was having none of it, though. "There's big gators in there, you crazy Viking! Get on out and let's go home before one of 'em chomps off your you-know-what!" I felt a little prickle of embarrassment mixed in with her sincere concern for me, but I had no fear for what lurked beneath the water's surface.

I dove back into the lake, coming up only to fountain a spray of water into the air like the god of the sea I had likened myself to. "And leave the sun to the water? Nope! I'll just kill all the sea monsters!" I swam as if searching for the creatures Sookie feared threatened me and then stood up on the lake bottom, prepared to summon them from their hiding places. "Gators," I called coaxingly. "Krokodiler! Show yourselves!" I splashed menacingly in the water before growling out, "Cowards!"

And suddenly there was a naked man – no, a naked werewolf – standing next to Sookie. He was as tall as I was, and about as muscular, but dark where I was fair and bearded where I was smooth. I heard him mutter to her, "He really is different."

I didn't know who he was, but I knew he was standing Too. Close. To. Sookie. Especially with all that nakedness. I roared, fully fanged. "Get away from her!" I bellowed.

The wolf was unimpressed. "Fuck you! She wants me here!" he shouted back at me. I could see his body tense up, ready for me to attack him.

"Eric, this is Alcide," Sookie interjected. "He's our friend. He's going to help. You don't want to fight him."

"Yes, I do," I replied menacingly, my eyes never leaving those of the wolf. "Prepare to die, you stinking dog."

"Take a shot, you dumbshit fanger!" the wolf replied ominously.

Sookie had no patience with the testosterone flowing so freely between myself and the wolf. "Grow up, you giant babies," she said, rolling her eyes at both of us. "Alcide, stop making that noise!" she snapped as the wolf began to growl at me. "Eric, put up those fangs and do what I say!"

Even as Sookie was speaking, I began to notice I wasn't feeling quite as indestructible as I had just moments before. Suddenly, the sun seemed too bright in my eyes, and as I looked down at myself, I could see my skin beginning to redden and cast off a haze of smoke. "Uh…I—I don't feel so good," I muttered.

Sookie briskly shook out the blanket she had bundled into her arms. "Well, now, you listen to me –"

It was if my entire body was beginning to run with tiny rivulets of pain, like molten lava under my skin. I began to curl into myself, shrinking from the sun that just moments before had been such a pleasure to me but was now my torturer. "Sookie, I hurt," I said faintly. "My blood is…burning," I finally choked out, looking down at my reddening, smoking body with dismay.

"I know, I know," she said sympathetically, holding out the blanket and walking out into the gator-infested waters to reach me. As she waded out, the sunlight caught her blonde hair, making the strands flare like a halo around her head. She bundled the red fabric around my shoulders to protect me from the now deadly rays and gently directed me towards the shade on the shore. "You've got to get – vamp speed," she said firmly.

"I don't want to go back to the dark," I protested weakly. For a moment, I resisted Sookie's attempts to move me forward and I turned back towards the sunlit water, suddenly paralyzed at how quickly everything had gone from bliss to regret and loss. "I want this –I want this—" this happiness, this freedom. I couldn't even get the words out, I was so stricken with the sudden grief of having to give up what I had just had so briefly.

"Just keep that blanket on with the sun at your back," ordered the wolf, reaching out to guide me up the bank of the lake.

I turned to Sookie, overcome with my loss. "Sookie, I –" I didn't even know what I wanted to ask of her, what I wanted to tell her. And there was no time. I was rapidly sobering up and realizing that if I lingered for much longer, the sun I had been enjoying so passionately a few minutes ago would kill me and quickly.

Sookie looked at me, her face full of compassion. "Go, run – we'll be right behind you," she instructed gently but urgently. I fled, just as she instructed, with the man-turned-wolf right behind me.

I reached the porch within seconds and was inside the house just as quickly. I felt a sudden rush of frustration when I realized that just being in the house was not good enough – it was too brightly lit because of the windows and I was still not safe from the deadly light. I threw open the doors that led down to my room, and rushed into the metal shaft, nearly losing the blanket covering my naked form on the way.

Back down into my "safe," dark hole, I thought bitterly.

The wolf did not follow, but Sookie was a few steps behind me.

"Eric, I brought your clothes," she said as she came down the ladder. Carefully avoiding looking at my nude body, she handed me the shirt and shorts I had left by the lake.

"Thank you," I said distractedly. I threw aside the shirt, but pulled on the sports shorts. Sookie was evidently dissatisfied with my decision and picked the blanket up from where it had fallen on the floor and draped it around my shoulders again. I stood passively, numbed against the swirl of feelings (disappointment, loss, frustration) raging through me. My own feelings, not Sookie's. For a change, I was the one who was hurting, while I could feel only sympathy from Sookie.

"Why don't you sleep in those today and then we'll get you all sorted out with the new things Pam sent tonight," Sookie said. "You should get to bed. It's well past your bedtime."

Now that the miraculous elixir that had protected me from the sun had worn off, I could feel the day trying to pull me down into my usual vampiric rest.

I resented it.

"I don't want to go to sleep," I replied sullenly. I wanted to be awake during the daylight like others. Like Sookie, or even the wolf. Now that I had seen it again, and knew what I was missing –

"You have to rest," Sookie pointed out reasonably. "You got all burned up today." She pushed me carefully onto the end of my bed. "Let me check," she said, pulling the red quilt away from my shoulders again. As she leaned over and peered carefully down first at the back of my left shoulder and then my right, I inhaled, breathing in her scent. She seemed entirely unaware of how close I was to the bare skin of her neck and its delicious scent, so lost in her concern for me that she forgot to be frightened of my attraction to her. At least until she heard my in-taken breath. She paused for a second, as if I had reminded her of how intoxicating her scent was to vampires.

I didn't want to bite her. I wanted to kiss her.

"Everything healed," she said lightly, rearranging the blanket more comfortably on my shoulders. Even though she had paused, she had not resumed being afraid of me. "Now, lay down and close your eyes." She tried to push me gently back with the flats of her hands against my shoulders, but I resisted the pressure.

"No," I said quietly but firmly. "No." I couldn't meet her eyes. I knew she meant well, but it felt like giving in to a reality I wanted to deny if I were to do as she asked.

Sookie sighed in exasperation. "If you stay awake, you're going to start bleeding all over the place," she pointed out as if I must have forgotten the risk of resisting the pull of daytime sleep.

"I know what the bleeds are," I said sharply. And I didn't care; I did not want to go to sleep in the day like a creature of the dark should.

"Fine, then you can clean it up," Sookie responded smartly. "I'm not a maid." She turned to head back towards the ladder. Up towards the sunlight.

"Stay with me."

I could hear the plea in my voice. Sookie paused, one hand on the ladder. "Please," I added softly, my eyes focused on her.

She felt badly for me; I could feel it. But still, she gave me an apologetic little smile and shook her head slightly, saying, "Can't." She added the explanation with a little shrug, "Human stuff to do."

"Oh."

Human stuff. In the sunlight. That vampires can't do. Which is why we could only stay in our holes underground while life went on during the day.

I felt so alone as Sookie climbed up to the world.

I heard her close the door to my cubby entrance, but that didn't make any difference to my ability to hear what happened next. The wolf was still in the house.

"This is nuts!" I heard him say in a deep voice.

Sookie shushed him and I heard them move outside to the front porch.

Where I could still hear them.

For all my current bitterness about the restrictions of being a vampire, I had to admit, my exquisite hearing ability was still useful.

"He can't stay here! What are you thinking," the wolf rumbled.

"You saw yourself, he's not the same," Sookie answered in my defense in a low but insistent voice. Not the same? Once again, I had a mental picture of myself as rude, biting asshole. Or worse. "It's not for long, anyway," Sookie added.

Well, except that I lived here. Or hoped I would continue to live here. I dropped the quilt from my body and moved to where I could hear them slightly better. They were, after all, talking about me. And I wanted to know what Sookie thought of me. I knew her feelings, but I still felt there were facts that I didn't know about that shaped those feelings.

"He's still a killer," the wolf pointed out. "Eric Northman at your house? It's like a death wish!"

Well, fuck. I looked up at the ceiling, listening carefully. Apparently, Sookie wasn't the only one convinced I was going to hurt her. No, not hurt her. Kill her.

Sookie mentioned some woman whose name was unfamiliar to me, pointing out that the "addict and attempted murderer" lived with the wolf but that Sookie was not judging him.

I was relieved to learn the wolf already had a woman, although she didn't sound like anyone worth having, especially not in comparison to Sookie.

Sookie and the wolf's voices rose as they argued about their relative living partners.

"I don't want you to get hurt again. Or me," Sookie said.

I didn't really care if the wolf's woman had hurt him, but had she had hurt Sookie? I frowned.

"That's what I'm saying about Eric!" the wolf countered.

I had hurt Sookie?

"All right! We're even," Sookie replied, ending the argument.

She didn't deny it.

She didn't deny I had hurt her.

I felt sick.

I couldn't listen any more. I heard some vague murmuring about the wolf and Sookie reaffirming their friendship and then heard him make his departure.

I did finally lay down, but I did not go to sleep for a long, long time. And just as Sookie predicted, I bled.