I suck, I know. However, I finally graduated from law school and am now studying for the Bar exam. This is the exam all future attorneys must take in order to be licensed. In other words, I'm glued to my desk and coffee table studying for hours on end until July 26 and 27 where 12 hours of my life will be dedicated to vomiting all that my brain has consumed over the past two months. As a way to get my mind off of the law before bed (I do NOT need to dream about Supreme Court justices or failing this exam), I write.

Finally finished this last week, but I wasn't going to post this until August when I resumed my fics again. However, I figured you all hate me enough for taking the better half of the century to update this fic anyway; so, I decided to be kind. Will you be kind by hitting me up with some reviews of your thoughts? Also, let me know if you still even care about this fic.

I cannot and will not promise you updates anytime in the near future, but I can tell you that I will be returning in August with this, along with LSC (my favorite baby. Truthfully, if you're not reading it, you're missing out. Yea, I'm a little biased, but seriously... you are).

That said, let's call this a season finale after a massively long wait. As one of my teachers way back in high school (2002) used to say, "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa."

UNEDITED.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Tequila and Jack… In a Box

- "Oh… my… God."

Sam pulled the covers over her head. The room spun faster than she could tolerate.

- "I think I'm going to vomit."

Pulling the covers from her face, Jason lifted the garbage can that he had placed on her side of the bed before the woman had passed out the prior evening.

- "Try to aim in here… this time."

She blushed as the memory of vomiting in the middle of the bedroom floor returned to her. Her plan to get her mother some… action… had backfired; she had gotten drunker than she had been in a long time.

- "I'm so sorry about last night. I don't know what came over me—"

He sat on the edge of the bed beside her.

- "Five rounds of tequila shots, vodka redbull, and—"

Her stomach began to turn at the thought of all she had consumed.

- "Why did you let me have all of that?"

He handed her the bottle of water and Tylenol he had placed on the nightstand.

- "Take these."

She attempted to sit up in the bed, but the act brought up the remainder of whatever she had not regurgitated throughout the night. Luckily Jason had excellent reflexes and instincts; the garbage can was at her face before she could soil yet another set of sheets.

- "And by the way, I didn't let you have all of that. You actually kept ordering the shots, then taking the ones of anyone else wasn't taking—"

Grabbing his arm, Sam stared blankly at the man.

- "Stop. I think the thought that I pounded back so much is making the room spin faster. God—"

She pressed her head into his shoulder.

- "I was the designated driver! How the hell did this happen? And where the hell is my mother?"

Flashback

Seeing the various people sitting in the bar, Alexis realized that she had been ambushed… or at the very least led to one. Her daughter had not only set her up on another drunken mission with Mac by taking her to the scene of the original crime, but she had set it up for the entire town to be there. Or at least that was the way it appeared.

- "What the hell, Samantha!"

Grabbing her daughter's arm, she pulled the woman into the closest private room; it was the bathroom.

- "Were the videos not enough for you? Now you've got Mac and me here, along with Maxie, Spinelli, Jason… I'm pretty sure I saw Patrick and Robin sneak in as I pulled you in here—"

Sam shrugged nonchalantly. Coleman had agreed to shut down the bar early just for them; because of the way Mac and Alexis began their 'love affair,' he felt compelled to somewhat recreate the moment.

- "I mean, it's not as though you don't know any of these people, Mom. Aaaand, might I add that it isn't like no one knows what's going on with you two… or what isn't going on. I mean, between Mac and Maxie, the whole town knows that you kinda hooked-up… minus the actual hooking because he can't—"

Squeezing the bridge of her nose, Alexis paced the room.

- "You're determined to give me more gray hair than I'm ready to handle, aren't you?"

Sam shook her head in amusement.

- "No. Come on! I'm trying to get you to… loosen up! Let your hair down. Get Mac to see the real you, and to perhaps show you the REAL him… you know… the one who's got it hard for you… no pun… maybe just a little… or a lot, depending on… you know."

Alexis glared in her direction.

- "It isn't normal for a daughter to be THIS concerned with her mother's sex life, you know."

Walking toward the woman, Sam innocently smiled.

- "I love you! That's why I'm concerned. You deserve to be happy and in a full and complete relationship… one with all the benefits. I mean, I'm also trying to save the environment here."

- "What?"

Sam winked.

- "While I'm sure Duracel and Energizer appreciate the increase in their stock value because of you—"

Alexis' face reddened.

- "Oh… my… God… you're truly… I don't even know what to call you… but you're… you're something."

Taking what was undoubtedly not meant to be a compliment as such, Sam laughed to herself.

- "Thanks, Mom! Now let's just—"

She attempted to unbutton one of the buttons to the woman's top, but Alexis smacked her hand away.

- "Will you stop? Goodness gracious!"

Sam shook her head.

- "You're stifling the girls. You need to let them free… or at least let them get some air. How in the world do you expect Mac to—"

Someone pounded on the locked door.

- "WILL YOU HURRY UP IN THERE? I CAN'T KEEP DRINKING IF I DON'T FIRST EMPTY THE TANK! ONCE I'VE STARTED, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO BREAK THE SEAL!"

As far as she was concerned, when it came to Diane, if needing to use the bathroom was her prerequisite to continue drinking, they could spend the remainder of the evening right where they were. However, that was not part of the plan. Poking her head out of the door without opening it entirely, Sam glared at the redhead.

- "If you want to pee, do it outside or in the men's room. I'm sure you're very well familiarized with that room! PLUS, you weren't even supposed to be here. Sooo, go away, you lush; this room is occupied."

Before the woman could respond, Sam stuck her tongue out at her and shut the door. She then turned her attention back to her mother.

- "Now, where was I?"

Alexis pursed her lips as she continued to fix her shirt.

- "Attempting to undress me to give Mac more time to work on getting… it... together."

Sam then began to run her hands through her mother's hair in an attempt to ensure its perfection.

- "Exactly. You've got a secret weapon behind this… prison wall… you hide them in! You need to stop sheltering those puppies—"

Alexis looked up at the ceiling. If there had been one thing she would have loved that the younger woman had not inherited from her, it was her stubbornness. All three of her girls had seemed to partake in that portion of her gene pool.

- "He's already seen them, Sam… on countless occasions, I might add—"

Sam made a face.

- "And THAT didn't help? Good grief! Mom, I'm beginning to think maybe he's… I dunno… a eunuch. Maxie said it's been awhile since… you know… like longer than you—"

Alexis put her hand out to stop her daughter from continuing.

- "Seriously, Sam? I assure that he isn't! Can we PLEASE get off of this subject?"

- "Sorry! Okay… I'll stop—"

Ensuring that her top was completely buttoned, Alexis nodded.

- "Thank you. Now, can we get back to this… whatever you want to call it?"

And although she attempted to move to the door, Sam pulled her back to her.

- "Wait! You need to first empty the tank. We wouldn't want you to lose precious moments winding your Jack-in-the-Box up because you were peeing every second."

Rather than continue arguing with her daughter, she rolled her eyes as she moved to the toilet.

- "Fine. Turn around you perverted dwarf."

End of Flashback

Placing a kiss on her forehead all the while keeping her vomit-smelling breath away from his vicinity, Jason took the garbage can and moved from the bed.

- "Don't worry about your Mom, Sam; someone drove her home."

She covered her face.

- "She's going to kill me."

- "I doubt it… she probably doesn't remember anything. You were all… you were pretty wasted."

Recalling the last time such a thing had occurred, Sam quickly grabbed her phone; she needed to see if the woman had called for a ride home.

- "Hey Babe? When you said someone drove her, do you mean drove her, drove her? Or droooove her?"

Standing in the bathroom where he had started the shower for her, Jason shook his head. He did not want to think about his girlfriend's mother in such a way.

- "You need to stop."

Taking her mother's hand as they exited the bathroom, Sam felt a bit victorious; she had not only managed to get the woman to the bar, but she had convinced her to stay in spite of her obvious desire to leave. She was on a road of success.

- "I swear to you, you won't regret this Mom."

But Alexis could see the cockiness in the younger woman. She would not allow her daughter to think that she had won this new level of tit for tat.

- "I'm giving this one hour, Sam. Just one. I was at work all day, Molly—"

Sam stopped her.

- "Molly's fine! Krissy's with her, she's got a ridiculous supply of tampons she can use, and not to mention, courtesy of your bookshelf, an endless supply of books she can read on her ever changing body. Just relaaaax!"

Without allowing the woman to stress the one hour time limit once again, flagging Mac over, Sam quickly walked away from her.

- "It's nice to see you Mac!"

He shook his head as he watched the young woman drag her criminal boyfriend to the table to sit beside Maxie, her partner in crime.

- "What did we do to deserve our kids, Lex?"

He gave her a kiss on the lips.

- "I think that since we started dating, I probably have about 50% more gray hair than I did before. I blame it all on Maxie… and maybe a bit also on that one over there. She acts as though she's an innocent in all this, but I'm not convinced."

With his chin, he pointed to his niece. Patrick and Robin had in fact, as Alexis had suspected, snuck into the bar; while they had seen Maxie and Spinelli at a large table waiting for them, they decided to enjoy some private time in a separate corner.

- "They're all so—"

Turning to look at the table where Sam and Maxie sat with their beaus pretending not to look in their direction, Alexis finished his sentence with a shake of her head.

- "Ridiculously invested in our relationship? Knowledgeable about every minute detail? Obsessed?"

Mac nodded.

- "All of the above.

Placing his hand onto the small of her back, he led her to a table far away from the nosey crowd.

- "I suppose it's somewhat our faults—"

She scoffed.

- "I'm not the gossip in this relationship here, Commissioner. For whatever reason, you seem to get your jollies telling Maxie—"

He shook his head.

- "No! I have never… well, aside from the first time… told her about… you know. She… I don't know… she just knows. She comes over to the house the next morning after I've seen you, takes one look at me, and just… knows. It's weird."

Alexis covered her face. She could feel the eyes of the room on her; she was beginning to redden.

- "And then she tells Sam who then bothers me at the most inconvenient times. Let me tell you something, if this is how my daughter, whom I didn't raise for nineteen years of her life, mind you, acts with me, can you even imagine what she would've been like had I had a chance to mold her into a not so spawnlike creature? There are no boundaries!"

He nodded in agreement.

- "Until you catch your kid crushing Viagra to put into your drink—"

Alexis countered.

- "She insists on taking me to get waxed—"

But Mac smiled.

- "I guess I should thank her?"

She smacked his arm. He may have been as helpful as a dull needle in some respects, but he certainly made up for his hopefully temporary deficiency in other ways. Cherry pie was no longer as pleasurable as the day he…

- "Mac—"

Feeling flush, she found herself unbuttoning a single button of her top. The temperature in the room seemed to increase.

- "So, I told her that I would give her an hour here. How about we sneak out a little bit before that?"

As he leaned forward to kiss her, however, Coleman approached with a tray holding four shots.

- "Here you two go, courtesy of that lovely table over there: Cherry Bomb Shot. And here's a specially made one courtesy of… well, moi… just for you Mac Daddy: Hard Rock Jolly Rancher. Enjoy."

In spite of her headache, Sam paced the room with the phone attached to her ear; she had been attempting to call her mother for the past hour to no avail. She had called the lake house, but there was no response. That fact did not surprise her given that her sister's had weekend activities. She called Mac, but the man did not answer; she was not sure if it was intentionally done or not. She called Maxie, but the young woman claimed that she had not seen the woman since the previous evening. Unfortunately for Sam, her memory was a bit hazy as to what had occurred during that time.

- "Mom—"

She decided to leave the woman another voicemail.

- "This is incredibly irresponsible of you! You do not just disappear like this! This is really—"

With her head feeling as though it would explode, she could not think of a word to get her point across.

- "Just call me back!"

She threw her phone onto the couch as she continued to move about the room. Her mother was an early riser; she should have been home already.

Flashback

It had been 45 minutes since their arrival, but Sam had yet to see her mother make any indication of her desire to leave. She took it as a good sign given that from what she could tell, the woman was actually laughing and enjoying her time with the Commissioner. While Jason had stepped out to take a phone call, and Spinelli had found someone with whom he could engage in conversation about the cyberuniverse, Sam leaned into her best friend.

- "Maxie, look at them! Do you think—"

Before she could finish her statement, the young blonde handed her two of the four shots Coleman had just placed onto their table.

- "Take these."

From force of habit with regard to shots of her favorite liquor, Sam did as she was told. Unfortunately she quickly remembered that she should not have taken them; she was supposed to be the designated driver that evening.

- "Shit! Maxie! I told you I couldn't drink!"

But the younger woman rolled her eyes as she pointed to her non-husband at the table with Patrick and Robin.

- "Don't worry about it. Spinelli, Patrick, and Robin are all sober; one of them can drive your car back home."

She then grabbed her best friend by the arm.

- "Now, come on! Let's go see if those two will be giving us a little brother or sister anytime soon."

- "Fine! But I'm going to warn you right now, that my mother was in a bit of a mood earlier, so don't say anything that'll piss her off."

Rolling her eyes, Maxie dragged Sam to their parents' table.

- "Daddy, Alexis. What's... up? Having a good time here?"

She pulled a chair from an empty table so that she could sit next to her father.

- "Remember not to drink too much, the goal here is to have—"

Alexis kicked her under the table causing the young woman to scream out in pain.

- "WHAT THE HELL?"

But the intelligent attorney feigned ignorance.

- "I'm sorry! I was trying to play footsie with your father. And I guess I confused your leg for—"

Shaking her head in irritation, Maxie rubbed her leg.

- "Well if that's how you play footsie, Alexis, it's no wonder my Dad can't seem to—"

Mac cut his daughter off from continuing.

- "ALRIGHT! New rule! There'll be no more conversation about me or my—"

Diane staggered toward the table.

- "Nuts?"

She placed the bowl down before taking a seat onto Alexis' lap. She frowned at the perplexed look the four of them gave her.

- "What? Sharing is caring. I swear that these are clean. Not to many hands have been all over them. Only mine… and they're safe. I swear. What are we talking about over here?"

Sam rolled her eyes as she turned her attention to her mother.

- "Soooo—"

But pushing Diane from her lap, Alexis shook her head.

- "So nothing, sweetheart. Since this table has suddenly gotten full, I'm going to go have a chat with Kate whom I see has just arrived."

Sam grabbed her mother's hand as she passed her.

- "Um… if you're not going to drink, Mom, I think I'm rightfully going to!"

Without bothering to answer her, Alexis nonchalantly waved at her as she continued on to her destination leaving a very drunk Diane slumped over the table.

End of Flashback

- "Jason, who'd you say drove her home?"

Walking toward the door, he shook his head.

- "I didn't say."

And having been sworn to secrecy as to her whereabouts, he walked out before Sam could further question him.

- "Jason!"

Not having a car at her disposal, and fighting a brutal hangover, Sam threw herself onto the couch in agitation. The impact caused her head to feel as though it might explode.

- "Damn it!"

Walking over to Kate's table, Alexis felt a hand grab onto her own. She normally would have screamed out in shock, but the familiarity in the touch caused her to stop. She smiled when she looked at the owner.

- "Mati? What are you doing here? I thought Coleman closed the bar to most people?"

Bringing over the man's usual, Coleman, upon hearing his name, answered for him.

- "Come on, Lex! Monsieur Le Gros here, is a weekly patron of good ol' Jakes! Aren't you? I couldn't shut him out! He's FAMILY!"

Turning to see her daughter taking a shot of tequila, Alexis shook her head.

- "Why am I not even surprised?"

Mati pointed to the empty chair in front of him.

- "Have a seat, Alex. I actually come here every week with our daughter; it's how we get to know more about one another."

She smiled at him. Not much about him had changed over the course of the years; his face remained the same as that of the boy she once knew, and his gentle and charismatic touch still made her weak at the knees. Seeing him in the light of a father to their adult daughter was… sexy.

- "Oh… really? Is that where Sam runs off to after dropping the girls off, or after having dinner with us?"

He raised his glass to her.

- "Guilty as charged."

Accepting the drink Coleman brought over to her, Alexis smiled at the man.

- "I guess Sam isn't the only one getting to know something about you is she?"

He reached over to touch her hand.

- "I suppose not."

Hearing the sound of someone groaning after the slamming of a door in the hall, Sam shot up from the seat on her couch.

- "What the hell?"

The only other apartment on the floor had not been occupied in years; it was Sonny's old penthouse.

- "Who—"

She quickly opened the door to reveal the intruder… or intruders as she quickly realized when the other party also approached the elevator.

- "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me right now!"