Hi Mom, I bet you didn't expect to see me back here so soon, especially after such a long time between visits in the past. I just really had something I wanted to tell you about and it couldn't wait.
My friend, Ryan, got married not long after I was here. You know that I am not one to get all swept up in emotions Mom, but the joy of that day caused something to shift in me that I was not expecting. At first, I had the biggest sense of dread about going to the wedding. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to share in their happiness because it was too close to the anniversary of your death. I was afraid of being filled with hope of a future I wasn't sure I could ever have. I was afraid of attending the wedding alone. But the thing that I was terrified the most about was that Rick would have a woman on his arm, which would cause me to be a jealous, raving lunatic. I tossed and turned for weeks over whether he would have a plus one or not. I was driving myself crazy over the idea of it even though I know how he feels about me.
My fears about his plus one status were finally put aside a few days before the wedding when that subject came up at the break room table in the precinct. Esposito made some comment about checking out some of Jenny's cousins or bridesmaids and was surprised by Ryan's revelation that his ex-girlfriend Lanie was bringing a plus one to the wedding. So, I tried to ease his concern by saying that I was going alone so I would dance with him if the need should arise. Then I was met with the harsh reality of Ryan's next comment about Castle having a plus one also. My heart was in my throat when I asked him whom he was bringing. He got this twinkle in his eye as he started telling us about how wonderful his "date" is. I realized I was holding my breath for the impending punch to my stomach when he smiled that megawatt smile of his and confessed that his daughter, Alexis, was his plus one. You can't even imagine the relief I felt as the green-eyed monster drifted back behind my fragile heart.
My breath caught when a tuxedo clad Rick walked into the atrium of the church. He looked so incredibly handsome that I couldn't contain the flutter of my heart and the smile that graced my lips. I immediately made my way over to, glancing behind him to see where Alexis had gone. He caught on to what I was doing and explained that his daughter had ditched him for a Lady Gaga concert. I somehow found the courage to suggest that we could be each other's plus one. The next thing I remember is a conversation about how envious he was of Kevin and Jenny and me saying something about the third time being a charm. Then he offered his arm to me and escorted me to a pew up front as the ceremony was ready to begin. It felt so right to be walking up that aisle with my arm in his. So right, in fact, that my thoughts began to circle around a future with him and I walking the same path for real someday. I was so swept away in my thoughts of a future with Rick that I missed the entire ceremony.
I was jostled from my daydream when Lanie asked me if I needed a ride to the reception. I said that I was going to catch a ride with Castle and was greeted with a squeal of delight from my, not so subtle, best friend. She gave me a knowing smile and a wink as she made her way out the door. I waited on the church steps as people shuffled out to make their way to the reception hoping to catch my newly acquired plus one as he made his way to the parking lot. I guess Rick and I were sharing the thought as he came up along side me to again offer his arm and an invitation to accompany him to the reception.
Mom, the reason this conversation couldn't wait is because not only did I catch a glimpse of the future I "could" have. I also got to feel what it would be like to be more that partners with Rick. Those feelings that started to stir in my heart at the wedding expanded ten fold at the reception. I spent the majority, …who am I kidding, … the entire reception by his side. I spent most of the night on the dance floor wrapped in his strong embrace. I thought that the coffee he brought me was heavenly, but nothing could compare to the feeling of having his arms wrapped around me. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when he dropped me off at my apartment at the end of the night. He actually thanked me for taking pity on him and being his plus one. I haven't felt that safe or loved since I was a child and you or Daddy would wrap me up and hold me until the sadness went away. I don't know how he does it, Mom, but he always seems to know what I need from him. Sometimes it's the quiet reassurance that he is there for me, other times it a whispered word and more often than not, it is just a look that passes between us. He never pushes me except when I should be and he has the patience of a saint when it comes to my hang-ups.
Mom, did you ever experience that with Daddy? Did you ever have moments where you didn't have to say a word for him to know exactly what you were thinking? Rick and I seem to say so much without a word slipping from our lips. The guys make fun of us for finishing each other's sentences. They tell us how creepy that is or accuse us of practicing the connection that we share when they aren't around. Have you ever loved someone so much that it scared you? That is physically hurts? I am so scared to let him completely in because of the damage it could do if something went wrong. I know couples fight and go through rough spots, but we have so much potential to hurt each other because the feelings are so strong.
I know that I need to tell him that I remember and how I feel about him. Especially, after crossing some invisible line I had drawn regarding a personal relationship with him. After spending the whole reception in the safety of his arms and letting him take me home, I know I owe him more than I have been letting him see.
Do you have any words of wisdom? Do I tell him both secrets I have been keeping or just the one about how I feel? Can I pursue a relationship with Rick with my secrets? Am I ready to risk everything that we have built over the last four years for something more? Am I ready for more? Why does this have to be so complicated? I wish you could give me some kind of answer or a sign so I know what to do.
Well I better go. I can't feel my fingers anymore, Mom. I'll try to make a better effort about coming to visit more often. I love you Mom. Bye.