Hey, Mom, it's me Kate. I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while especially after promising to come by more often. I have been so busy at work and going to my appointments with Doctor Burke. I have had a lot on my mind that I am trying to work through.
Lanie and I just finished shopping for my dress for the scholarship dinner that Rick put together in your honor. She helped me pick out a beautiful blue semi-formal dress that Lanie claims will have Rick and every other man in attendance picking their jaws up off the floor. She knows that I am only concerned about one man in particular's opinion of that dress. I think everyone knew that Rick and I had something special before we figured it out. I am surprised that Lanie hasn't teased me more about being Rick's date for the dinner. She is usually like a dog on a bone with information like this. I think everyone is still afraid the "fragile Kate" will run off and hide again if they push me too far because of how I cut them all out of my life last summer while I was trying to heal. I keep apologizing and the keep telling me that I am forgiven and we are good but I have my suspicions about that. I know I hurt them and our friendships with my selfishness but I am determined to repair that damage.
Sorry, back to the dinner and the dress. Mom, Lanie has such an eye for fashion and she always knows what will look good on me. She picked a red satin floor length gown that shows off all my curves as she put it. The only thing we disagreed on was the color. She wanted red because it was hot and demanded attention. I wanted blue because it was you favorite color and I wanted to feel as close to you as I could. That night has so much potential on so many fronts. I know it will be very emotional for Daddy and I, but it could also change a few people's lives if this event goes the way Rick is hoping it will. I can't get over him doing all of this for me especially after everything that has happened. He is anticipating a pretty large turnout. He invited politicians, authors, actors, singers as well as all of our family and friends. He is hoping to raise enough money to cover several scholarships. I am hoping we will raise enough to help one student where he is aiming for half a dozen. He said to me, "Kate, if we are going to do this, we are going to go big." I don't know if I am ready to be the center of attention. Not only am I supposed to get up in front of all of our family and friends as well as all of who's who of New York's social elite. I am terrified of looking like a bumbling idiot. Maybe I should let Rick do all of the talking and I will just be hanging out in the background shaking hands and saying thank you.
I know that you are probably what else brought me here today since I haven't been back here in several weeks. We have had a bizarre string of cases at work in the last several weeks. There was one case in particular that really messed with my mind. The case was about a mole in the CIA and a plot that would ultimately send the US into World War III. This case stirred up emotions that I wasn't sure I was capable of feeling as intensely as I did. The mole in the CIA was a female agent that Rick was involved with in the past. Someone he slept with. I know, it's not like we both haven't had our share of significant others, for God sake, Rick has been married twice. But this woman's role in Rick's past really hurt me more than it probably should have. Can you believe it, the CIA agent was his inspiration for Clara Strike in the the Derek Storm novels that you used to read. I was floored when I found out that he had shadowed her for a little over a year. I know it's stupid, but I got mad that I wasn't the only woman that he had followed around in the name of "research". What makes the situation worse, was the way that she looked at him. It was like she knew she could make him do whatever she wanted wanted without him ever giving it second thought. Mom, it made me so jealous that I blurted out some very inappropriate comments in front of his daughter. I have never been more jealous of another woman in my entire life. Not even Rick's ex-wife when she left with him for the Hamptons for the summer and I had to watch him leave with my true feelings on the tip of my tongue. If me being overwhelmed by the green-eyed monster wasn't bad enough, Rick could see how their past bothered me too. I know this is petty, Mom, but a part of me was happy that she turned out to be the bad guy! Her and Rick's past bothered me, but the things that really took the wind from my sails was when Sophia told me that a part of her regretted ever sleeping with Rick. She said that they had incredible chemistry when they first met but once they slept together and the longing was gone the wasn't a spark between them. That revelation caused me to re-think where I am headed with Castle. It made me think that the spark could burn out between us too. Even though I know he loves me, it had my mind reeling and running to the worst case scenarios of Rick leaving me once we crossed that line and slept together. It made me wonder if everything that I am working so hard to achieve was going to be worth the risk.
You would have been proud of me though. When Rick invited me to dinner after the case was over, I accepted. I figured I owed him a chance to tell his side of the story and clear the air between us in regards to Sophia and the things will still managed to leave unsaid during the case. He told me that she inspired a character in a book but I inspired a whole series of books and that what we have means so much more than what he had with her. I shared what she said to me and how that made me feel. I even admitted to being jealous of her. Doctor Burke probably would have been proud of me for that one! When I asked him if he would ever leave or get bored with me after we slept together he said there are still too many layers of the "Beckett Onion" he hasn't peeled away yet and I was the best mystery of his life.
Mom, I have never opened myself up to anyone like I have with Rick. Why do you think that is? Is it because of what I have been through in the last year? Is it because of my sessions with Doctor Burke? Could it be that I came too close to losing him when the bank exploded in October. I thought I would never see him again or get to tell him how I felt about him. Mom, I love him so much. Why can't I just tell him that I heard him that day last May in the cemetery. I already confessed to him that when I am ready for a relationship that I want it to be with him. He keeps telling me that he will wait for me but how long can I realistically ask him to wait? It's like I am playing with his emotions or holding them hostage. Should I let him go or should I just dive in with him and to hell with the consequences? I know I am almost where I want to be but I can't fully jump in with him until my secret is out in the open. I can't start a relationship with him with this lie of mine still between us. I know I risk him walking away over this but he needs to know that I know and why I lied to him for all of these months.
God, how I wish you were here to tell me what I should do. I feel like I am constantly treading water and I will never make it to the deep end of the pool. Maybe being his date to this scholarship dinner will help me get some forward motion where Rick and I as a couple are concerned.
I better get home. I am going to have a busy day tomorrow at work. I promise to bring you happy news the next time I stop by instead of all this heavy emotional baggage that I always seem to have following me.
Love you, Mom.
Bye.