Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author (Emmamama88) is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. All other characters, and the original story of Virgins &Villains are the intellectual property of Emmamama88, copyright 2010.

**Hello awesome readers. I think we all need a laugh so I couldn't let April Fools Day in V&V pass without taking time out to honor it properly.

It takes place the same day that we left off with in Chapter 35(Boxer Shorts & Serenades), the day of the dinner with the Cullens. This is the story of how Emmett spent his day. We are about to take a journey into the mind of an asstard.

Buckle up, and enjoy!

****************************V&V******************* *******

Outtake for Virgins & Villains

The April Fool

*Thursday, April 1, Emmett's POV*

It's not easy being me. A hell of a lot is expected of the Emster, especially on this day, and I always strive not to disappoint.

As I sat at the kitchen table, enjoying my morning coffee, I thought about the weeks of planning that went into today. Aside from the last minute addition to my plans, which I would have to see to personally later, everything was in place. All I had to do now was sit back and reap the rewards of my efforts.

As I pondered this, the lovely voice of my fiancée wafted through the apartment "Fuck you Emmett" Rose shouted from our bedroom.

Ah, she must have found the six-ft long fake snake in her lingerie drawer.

I've always gone through life looking on the bright side of every situation. Too many people spend their days wrapped up in their own misery. I learned years ago to try and find joy in everything life throws at you. If your life sucks, it's because you fucked up somewhere through some stupid lame-ass decisions you've made, and it's never too late to fix that shit. Today is a good day to start, learn to cut loose, be 'in the moment' make someone laugh, or just make yourself laugh.

"Suck my dick Emmett" Rosalie's melodic voice filled my ears once again, this time from the bathroom.

Hm, this time it was either the fake poop on the toilet seat or the bathroom drawer filled with shaving cream. Who can tell?

Through the years, I've made more friends than I can count, and very few enemies. I make time for my fans, I try to show them how much I appreciate their support. Whether it's making sure that Deputy Mark gets tickets to the Sky box at Qwest Field for his son's birthday, or that the maintenance guy at the Four Seasons gets an autographed jersey, I let them know they're important. During this past year, I went above and beyond the call of duty for one fan. I was able to set Scott, one of WIRI's cameramen, up on a date with a Seahawks cheerleader. Now they're living together. I chuckled to myself. Emmett Swan, matchmaker.

On a day like today, I find that my fans are more than eager to repay the favors I've granted.

"Eat shit and die Emmett" came the voice of the woman I love.

She's back in the bedroom. Must have found the fake severed leg in the closet.

Life is good.

-V&V-

After I took my shower, I cleaned up the remnants of my morning pranks. Round two would only take a few minutes to set up. I grabbed my phone to send a text, and noticed that I had a voice message from Pops.

'Boy, I don't know who you coerced into helping you, but I will find out. I took this day off just so you couldn't prank me at work again. Dammit Emmett, I wanted to go fishing but I can't go without my boots. Did it ever occur to you that lime jello would ruin them? Not to mention the perfectly good sock that is now stained green? Don't call me back for a while, I'm pretty damn pissed at you.'

Sounds like Deputy Mark completed his assigned tasks. But I had to say I was a little hurt. Did Pops really think that I'd ruin his boots and not replace them? As soon as he steps out on the porch he should find the new pair, so he can toss those nasty funky ones he's been wearing for at least ten years away. Maybe I should call to let him know?

Just then the phone buzzed again. I answered it this time.

"Hey Pops, how's it going?" I asked cheerfully.

Charlie cleared his throat. "Um, hey son, by the way, thanks for the new boots. You shouldn't have." Charlie paused for a minute. "On second thought, you damn well should have because you are responsible for ruining my favorite ones."

"But Pops, the boots I got you are way better, so in all actuality I did you a favor."

Charlie thought about that. "Well, I suppose so. But you still made me stick my foot in fucking jello Emmett. I hate jello."

I started laughing, and after a minute Pops joined in.

"I'm not even going to ask who helped you, because I know you'll never rat them out." He said.

"You got that right Pops." I smiled. I knew that Charlie would figure out it was Mark. That dude needs to work on his poker face.

"Well at least I know that I'm safe for the rest of the day, since you got your prank out of the way early." Charlie said.

"Good way to look at it Pops" I answered.

Just wait until he finds all that marshmallow fluff in his tackle box.

-V&V-

The next prank was my last minute addition. In order for it to be successful, I had to go the extra mile in preparation. I'd already been in contact with Alvin, the head of maintenance at the Four Seasons Hotel. He was doing all the 'set-up' so I could play the prank. Jonelle was doing her solo shots today, and was scheduled to start around 10:30. I booked it over to the hotel, arriving before ten.

Thanks to Alvin's help, Tess was called away before I got there, so Jonelle would be alone.

I waited in the elevator which was parked on the second floor. Alvin and I had planned it in such a way that when those doors opened, the next one through them would be Jonelle Everett.

I almost laughed at the look of surprise on her stupid face. "Hello Emmett" She grimaced.

Where's the flirty pain in my ass from yesterday? I guess since I know her secret, she's not comfortable molesting me.

"Why hello there Ho-, I mean Jonelle." I grinned.

She pushed the button for the first floor just before I pushed the 'stop' button. I watched as her eyes widened in surprise, possibly fear.

"Well, well, well. Never thought we'd end up here did you Jonelle? Alone, with no witnesses." I said as I inched closer to her. "You know all that flirting from yesterday, and all the attempts to grab me had quite an effect." I continued.

She looked extremely nervous. Good.

"It actually made me want to do something that I've never done with a woman in an elevator before."

Now she looked upset. I tried to keep a straight face, but I was about five seconds away from losing my shit.

"Don't worry Jonelle, I'm not going to touch you, I just want to get a few things off my chest." She relaxed visibly.

"First of all, I was here to do a job. You managed to make the second half of that job really uncomfortable. What you do to the men you work with is called sexual harassment, and it's against the law." I said as I glared at her.

She looked uncomfortable again. "You know, I had a chance to talk with Tess yesterday, she's pretty cool, definitely too good for you. I have no idea why she puts up with your shit. So, let me give you a piece of advice which I doubt you'll take, but here goes." I said as I smiled. "Don't shit on people you work with, because they may just come back to fart on you."

Then I let rip with my best fart ever. It was better than any fart I'd ever heard on television, movies, or in person. If this fart was visible, I'm pretty sure it would resemble the mushroom cloud of a nuclear explosion. As farts go, this one should have been in the Fart Hall of Fame.

Probably all those Brussels sprouts I ate hours ago. Disgusting but Effective.

When I felt my eyes start to water, I pushed the door open button and escaped to the hall. I couldn't help myself, I had to take one parting look at Jonelle. She was gagging. Her eyes were watering. I almost felt sorry for her, but then I remembered her trying to grab my junk yesterday.

"So long Honelle, hope I didn't kill any brain cells. You don't have many to spare." I laughed as I gave Alvin a fist bump, and told him I'd be sending season tickets along with that autographed jersey.

-V&V-

That afternoon, while watching SpongeBob on Nickelodeon, I got a text from Scott at WIRI.

I've been found out, but not before e-mailing you the video. Hope it was worth it man, she's pissed.

I bolted to my laptop and retrieved the video. With Scott's help, I'd installed an electronic fart machine, better known as a 'remote control whoopee cushion' at Rose's favorite spot at the conference table.

Little did Rose know that her OCD behavior of always sitting in the same chair was the main factor in my being able to pull off this prank.

I watched the video Scott had taken with his phone. He stood outside the conference room, on the other side of a glass window with the remote to the whoopee cushion in his hand.

There were a bunch of big-wigs at the table with Rose. When she moved, Scott must have pushed the button because Rose looked around uncomfortably at everyone while shaking her head and muttering.

The next time, she started searching for the source of the noise.

By the third time, I saw her face turn red with anger as she glared at everyone in the room, trying to figure out who was behind it. Just as her eyes spied Scott standing on the other side of the glass, I heard him mutter 'shit', then the video ended.

I was still laughing when my phone buzzed with an incoming text.

You're going to look pretty funny with this piece of electronics shoved up your ass.

My beloved sure knew how to sweet talk me. I couldn't help texting back.

Hey baby,

No sexting while at work, keep it professional.

Within a minute my phone buzzed with a call.

"Hello is this the future Mrs. Swan?" I answered in my sweetest tone.

"Fucker" Rose muttered.

"Babe, I don't want to fuck her, I want to fuck you." Then I laughed. "Miss me?"

I heard her sigh, and then she started to chuckle.

"That was a good prank Monkey Man, you even made Bridges from accounting laugh, and I swear he was born with a stick up his ass." She said as she continued to chuckle.

I told her all about farting on Jonelle and Charlie's phone call and we both laughed again.

"So you're through now right? No more pranks for me today?" Rose asked.

I hesitated, I couldn't outright lie to her. "Maybe."

"Emmett" She warned.

"Babe, you can't stifle my creativity, I look forward to this shit like Christmas." I whined. Yeah, sometimes I'm a little bitch.

Rose sighed in resignation. "Okay, well I'll see you tonight. Love you."

"Love you too babe." I said as I hung up.

-V&V-

The last part of my prank was two-pronged. Part for Rose, part for Bella. We were having dinner with the Cullens' tonight. I waited until I had everyone in the hummer, ready to leave before coming up with an excuse to go back upstairs alone.

"Oh shit, I forgot my cell. I'll be right back everybody." I said as I exited the vehicle.

I set up the last prank in our apartment, and then went over to Bella's to set up her part.

With a satisfied smile, I grabbed the 'forgotten' cell phone and headed downstairs.

I had such a great time at the Cullens' that I almost forgot about the pranks until we'd been home about fifteen minutes.

"Motherfucker!" I heard Rose shout from the kitchen. It sounded like she dropped something too.

I walked in there to find her shaking and clutching her neck with both hands while staring into the fridge. It was one of the funniest things I'd seen today.

I'd commissioned an artist to make a wax bust of my head. It was freaky how much it looked like me. When Rose opened the fridge door she was treated to a view of my head winking and smiling at her. She freaked the fuck out.

It was priceless.

I wrapped my arms around her until we both started shaking with laughter.

"Jesus Emmett, I don't know what to say. You outdid yourself this year. I can't even bring myself to be mad at you." She gasped through her laughter.

"Just be glad you're not Bella. She's got a bit hairy Chewbacca head in her fridge." We were both laughing when my phone rang.

Bellaboo.

"Hey there Sissy, what can I do you for?"

"Emmett." Bella breathed, I could tell she had her teeth clenched. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Oh, I see you found my little gift." I chuckled.

"No Emmett, I didn't find it. Edward did." She was pissed. "I'm surprised you couldn't hear him scream all the way over there."

Eddie screamed? This shit just gets better and better.

"He screamed Bella?" I snickered.

She was quiet for a minute, then I heard her snicker too. "Like a ten year old girl." then she blurted out a laugh.

"Where's he now?" I asked through my laughter.

"He's in the bathroom. I think you may have literally scared the shit out of him." She whispered while still laughing.

I was laughing so hard by this time, that I could hardly breathe.

After we calmed down, Bella said. "You know Emmett, someday someone is going to get even with you for all your nonsense."

"It's all good Bella, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it." I said happily.

"Tell Eddie that anytime he feels the need to scare me shitless, he can bring it. I just need to make sure that I have a supply of adult diapers on hand before he does." We both guffawed.

Best April Fool's Day Ever.

****************************A/N******************* **********

A/N Now ladies, and you know who you are, I mentioned your ideas of farting on Jonelle to Emmett, and more specifically farting on her in the elevator, and he went crazy. He woke me up early and wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote. I hope you're all happy now, because I'm exhausted.

Although, your kinds reviews will make it all worthwhile. Ciao.