A Place Deep Within

Fourth Chapter - Tell him he's dead

October 17 - midday

"You'll stay with him?" I ask while I put my shoes on. I try to delay as much as I can, I don't want to leave.

"Of course." Two-Bit sits on the couch, a beer in his hand. Pony stayed home from school today, and Two-Bit ditched his last class to watch him. Pony's statement this morning, about Johnny, made it impossible for us to let him go. We have to face it, he's going downwards. I think it's bad this time. He's so far in denial that I almost can't stand it, and I don't get why. What's going on in his head? There's a difference between pretending Johnny ain't dead, and actually believing he's alive. Where did it come from? I wish I could stay home, but I have to go to work, and I can't leave him alone either.

"The whole time? Darry gets back at seven." I look for my jacket and find it on the floor beside the couch.

"Soda," Two-Bit says, assuring me. "I won't leave him." His voice is serious, and I nod at this. I know I can trust him.

"Call me, if he, you know, says somethin'."

"I will." He's being patient with me. I watch him as he takes a sip of his beer.

"Thanks," I tell him. Then I shout to Pony, who's in our room. "Bye, Pone!" I wait a couple of minutes, there's no answer. But then he comes out. He stands in the hallway, looking at me, one hand grips the opposite upper arm.

"Bye." He walks over to the TV and hits the power button, then walks to the couch and sits down.

"I'm bored, kiddo," Two-Bit says to him and puts his empty beer can on the coffe table. "You wanna do somethin'?" Pony shruggs, his eyes glued to the TV, and I force myself to leave. I'm late. Steve's in his car on the curb, and I jump into the passenger seat.

"God, Steve," I say, hiding my face in my palms, finally able to break down some. "He thinks Johnny's alive." Steve's silent as he turns his key and drives off. After a while, I look up. His hands grip the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white.

"Steve," I say. "What the hell are we gonna do?"

"What have you done so far?"

What have we done? Nothing, just as the doctor ordered us to. He told us not to mention what happened to Johnny and Dally. That Pony would know, would remember when he was ready for it. What if he's not? What if he never will be?

"Just tell him," Steve advises when he gets tired of my silence. "Tell him he's dead."

I shake my head. "How?"

"Just... say the words. Christ, Soda, you've got to do somethin'. I mean, this ain't good. They're dead and he'll have to accept it. Like we do." He throws a quick glance in my direction. "We miss them too, ya know. We all lost them." I hear the pain in his voice.

I sigh. "I know... I know. I'll talk to him." But I remember the last time someone did.

XXX

Two weeks ago - autumn

The knock on the door startles us. No one ever knocks, a knock means it's someone who doesn't know us. It always made us think about bad news because of the night Mom and Dad died and the cops came to tell us. They knocked. But the curly haired boy that stands on the other side is a surprise. I stare at him.

"Hi," he says, uncertainly. "Does Ponyboy live here?"

I don't answer. I can't. What does he want with my brother?

"I'm Randy," he tells me. "You're Ponyboy's brother?" He shifts uneasy at my gaze. I think he realizes a Soc doesn't stand high in this house, in this neighbourhood. Of course he knows. Especially now. My brother ran away because of what some Soc forced his friend to do. He has been sick because of a kick from a Soc. Our whole life is a mess because of Socs. This boy's brave, I have to admit.

"I just want to talk to him. I've done it before. Ask him." He nods in Two-Bit's direction, and I frown, turning to him. He's never mentioned it.

"Yeah, he did," Two-Bit says. " Invited the kid into his Mustang." He makes the word 'Mustang' sound like a mockery."Before the rumble," he adds.

"I wasn't in it," Randy says quickly. "I just... couldn't." I can tell. All of us in this room have bruises or stitches, but his face is clean. No scratch at all.

"Why?" I ask, but he just shruggs. Apparently, he won't tell me. I still hesitate at the door, and finally Darry gets up from the recliner, tired of no action from my side.

"I'll ask Pony if he wants to see you," he tells Randy.

I hope not. I don't want my brother near any Soc. Even if they seem nice.

"Thanks," Randy says quietly. I won't let him in before Darry's back, and meanwhile we stare at each other in silence. Then I hear Darry from behind me.

"Let him in, Soda." I unwillingly take a step back, and Randy follows. "Down the hallway," Darry points, he nods and disappears into our room.

"You sure about this?" I whisper harshly to Darry while I close the door again. He shruggs.

"Pony said he wanted to see him."

"Yeah, but..."

"We're here, Soda. What can happen?"

He's probably right. What can happen? We sit on the couch, waiting. And when it comes, we fly up.

"Johnny ain't dead!" Pony yells. "He ain't dead!"

A minute later Randy comes out into the living room, a bit pale. Darry takes his arm, leading him to the front door.

"Don't talk to him about Johnny," he says. "His doctor told us to give him time..." He follows Randy out and I go to see Pony. He's lying in bed, as he's ordered to do, and stares up at the ceiling. A cigarette burning between his fingers, and I take it away from him to put it out in the ashtray before he sets the bed on fire.

"Pone?" I ask. There's no reaction and I sit down on the bedside, next to him. "Hey, Pone?" No answer, and I shake his shoulder gently. "Ponyboy!" Nothing, and I start to get desperate. I lean close to him, searching for something in his eyes. They're empty. I shake him more. "Pony, wake up! Pony!"

His eyes finally move as he notices me.

"Yeah?"

I'm relieved. "You okay?"I whisper, knowing the answer should be 'No'. But it's not.

"Yeah."

Liar.

XXX

October 17 - midday

We're halfway to the DX when I snap.

"Turn around. I can't do this."

Steve looks at me like I'm crazy. "Do what?"

"Work," I explain. "I can't work. Drive me home."

He sighs. "Soda," he starts, but then just shakes his head. "You're going to lose your job," he warns me. I know he's right. I could lose it. I haven't been there much since Pony went missing and now that he's sick. Like I care. I can get a new job, but I can't get a new brother. I tell Steve that, and he hits the brake, making the driver behind us honk. Steve gives him the bird when he makes a u-turn.

The road home has never been longer, and I'm out of the car before Steve even has the chance to stop. He mutters something inaudible when I slam the door shut and rush in. If Two-Bit's surprised when I come in, he doesn't show it. Maybe he figured I would come back. I sit down next to Pony.

"What're you watchin'?"

"Some old movie," Pony says in a bored tone. "I've already seen it." He gives me a strange look. "Thought you were working today?"

"Yeah," I say, and I don't know how to continue. He helps me.

"Sick?"

"Somethin' like that," I answer. I can't tell him it's him. He doesn't even know why he's home today, Darry made something up about school being closed. He doesn't seem to care. He leans back against the couch, staring at the black and white screen.

XXX

October 18 - morning

I woke up a couple of hours ago, but can't fall back to sleep. The dream I had was bad, and I wonder if it was like the ones Pony used to have. He's asleep next to me, his breathing is slow, calm. For some reason, I miss comforting him in the nights. I'm glad his nightmares seem to be gone, but I can't help wondering why. With everything else going on, I start seeing it as a bad sign.

I sigh and turn myself around. Lying on my back I stare out into the pitch dark room, listening to my brother's breaths. I want to wake him up, shake him, make him come back again. I'm afraid of what he'll say today.

And when he finally wakes, my heart sinks even more.

"Hey, Soda," he yawns. He sits up at the bedside, rubbing his eyes. "What day is it?" he asks.

"Thursday," I answer, eyeballing him. His hair's still too short for him, still bleached, but I can see his natural color at the roots. It's growing. He looks younger with that hair cut. He always has, but now more than usual. Like he's twelve and not fourteen. His lanky arms and the innocent look in his eyes doesn't make it any better. Innocent. He shouldn't be. Almost a year ago, in January, he lost his parents. Three weeks ago, he lost two friends. His best friend. His eyes should be older. Harder. More angry at the world. Sadder. Instead, he looks like an unaware child. I don't know if I should be thrilled, happy, scared or hate it. All I know is that I want another reaction from him, one that we haven't gotten yet.

"Strange," he says and sits still.

"What?" I ask, sitting up behind him, and he throws a glance over his shoulder.

"I thought it was... I don't know. Just not Thursday." He frowns. "I didn't run track yesterday. I always do on Wednesdays."

"You were home yesterday," I say, biting my lip.

"I was? Why?"

I want to holler at him, but of course, I don't. How can he not remember? He doesn't wait for my answer. Instead he reaches for his jeans on the floor, starting to get dressed. He finds a new pair of socks and a shirt in his dresser. He rummages around his desk for his school books and drops them in his bag. When he does, one of his other books falls to the floor. He bends down to pick it up, and then I see which book it is.

"Pony," I say when he puts it in his bag.

"Yeah?"

"You can't..." I don't know what to say.

"Can't what?"

You know you can't visit Johnny. No, I can't say that. I'm too afraid of what the answer will be if I tell him this. So I try something else.

"I think you should leave that book home."

The look he gives me is a funny one. He raises one eyebrow, or at least tries to, he almost manages.

"Why?"

I lick my underlip, nervous. Damn, Pony's so different I don't even recoginize myself anymore. I don't know how to act, how to react, what to be or what to do. And what to say is hardest of all.

"Come on, Pone," I say. "Ya know," I try, and hope he really does this time.

"Soda, you're strange," he laughs at me and leaves the room. I hurry up and follow him with only my boxers on. I catch up with him in the kitchen, Darry sits at the table, looking at Pony.

"Pone," I say again. "Listen to me. What are you doin' with that book?"

"I thought it was mine," Pony says and sits down. He takes a sandwich Darry has made and starts to eat. He turns to Darry. "I won't be home right after school today," he says.

"Why?" Darry frowns.

"I'm gonna visit Johnny." He keeps eating. I look at Darry, desperately. His face is unreadable. He reaches over the table and grabs Pony's hand.

"Pony," he says, and our younger brother's eyes narrow. He stops chewing, swallows. Darry sighs and then just lets it out. "Pone, Johnny is dead. You know that. You where there, at the hospital, after the rumble, when he...-"

"Okay," Pony says quickly, interrupting him. But he refuses to meet our eyes. I stand stiff on the floor, positive that Darry's words didn't reach him.

Thank you so much for all reviews, and to my beta-reader GoldenScorpio11.