Disclaimer: Stephenie owns the usual suspects.

I own my characters and my original story.

**I apologize ahead of time for this.

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Outtake for Virgins & Villains - Ode to The Arse

*November 28, 2009. Seattle

(Thirteen months before Bella meets Edward…or was it?)

BPOV

It was time.

My plan was going to work. None of the members of my overprotective family were around to stop me.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. Rose and Emmett wouldn't be home from Dallas until this evening, the Seahawks having played and lost to The Cowboys yesterday afternoon.

Charlie had headed back home to Forks about thirty minutes ago, after having had a quiet Thanksgiving here with me in my apartment.

I was about to do something completely out of character. I was going to the movies alone. I really wanted to see Edward Masen's new movie, and after everything I'd read about it, there was no way I wanted Emmett and Rose with me when that happened.

The critics had labeled the movie 'steamy and romantic' , 'an erotic thriller', and 'slick, masterful and sexy'. I definitely didn't need my big brother and his girlfriend babysitting me while I viewed it for the first time.

I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail, and donned Emmett's old black hoodie. The thing was huge on me, but very comfortable. It was cold and sunny today, so I even added a scarf, gloves and sunglasses to my scruffy ensemble.

As expected, the place was a madhouse. Most of the crowd was made up of little kids going to see whatever Disney had to offer. I purchased my ticket and went to the concession stand for Goobers and a drink.

Wow this has been amazingly painless so far.

I slipped into the semi-dark theater, and took a seat near the back. As I waited for the 'feature presentation' to start, I looked around. I was surrounded by couples in various stages of, well, coupledom.

Yeah I just made that shit up.

Not that they were doing anything illegal. Not yet anyway. Although one couple seated in the row in front of me should have given serious consideration to coming up for air.

After the previews, the movie finally began.

The opening scene was of a coastline at night. A balmy breeze wafted through the palm fronds in what looked to be the start of a tropical storm. The camera slowly panned back from this scene, until we were viewing it from behind the silhouette of a man staring out the window of a darkened bungalow. The breeze-blown trees waved in the moonlight beyond his form.

The man pulled the curtains closed and turned, his facial features shrouded in darkness. A moment after he dropped face-down on the bed, a door opened and light streamed into the room, casting a diagonal ray across the naked torso of the man.

Oh. My. God. I was in hiney heaven, buttocks bliss, derriere delirium, in other words he had a nice ass.

To be honest, he had a nice everything.

Unfortunately I was just taking a sip of my coke and chewing on my candy when I caught sight of his glorious bum. I choked on a goober and coughed for a solid two minutes while receiving impolite shushes from the jerks in my immediate vicinity.

Fuck all of you. I'll try to choke and die quietly next time. Assholes.

I ended up coughing so hard that I managed to squirt soda out of my nose.

Ew. That was a first.

When I finally pulled myself together and was able to pay attention to the screen again, I realized that the naked man's face was still obscured by the darkness. It didn't matter. I knew it was Edward Masen.

I just knew.

When he finally spoke, that smooth silky voice confirmed my suspicions. Granted, my eyes had never been treated to this much of Edward Masen before.

Christmas for Bella arrived in November this year.

The couple on screen proceeded to writhe around on the bed. The woman was gorgeous also, but from the moment she touched Edward Masen, a feeling of irrational jealousy took hold of me.

Mine.

Really Bella? Seriously?

I learned that Edward's and his co-star's screen names were Nick and Rosemary. I think the movie had a plot, but I was too consumed with watching Nick to notice. Every time he moved, whether he was horizontal or vertical, I was amazed at how graceful he was. When the scene would switch to a close-up of his face, I spent the time watching his lips.

Those are some lips. I want those lips on my lips.

More often that not, that nasty whore co-star got in the way of my ogling.

Bitch.

I was pretty sure that I was blushing the color of a tomato for most of the movie. I was also certain that my breathing was coming out in audible pants every time Nick and Rosemary got romantic.

During one scene in which Edward's character tied the chick to a bed, my vision started to blur. I felt like someone was choking off my airway, then I realized that I'd stopped breathing. When he pulled out the hot wax, I forced myself to remember my deep breathing exercises so I wouldn't pass the fuck out right in the middle of the theater.

Fuuuuuck me. No, really, fuck me Edward Masen. Please. Pretty please?

Masen was eliciting the most bizarre and unexpected reactions from me. I really didn't know what to make of it. On the other hand, I didn't have time to worry about that, because in the next scene he had the chick backed up against the wall of the shower.

I think I whimpered a little, out loud.

I really hope there's no one in here that knows me.

I pulled my hood up over my head, hiding my face deep inside.

Now you look like some freak in a porn theatre, or the Emperor in Star Wars.

I was starting to feel overheated, but there was no way I was removing my jacket. I needed to stay hidden. Instead I settled for fanning myself with my now empty Goobers box.

At that exact moment, my bladder decided to start screaming at me for relief.

You just had to buy the large drink didn't you Bella?

No way in hell am I missing this movie just to pee. How much damage could I do by waiting a while longer? I will jiggle my bladder into submission.

So there I sat, a panting, jiggling, fanning, freak of nature.

In the next scene, I was beyond thrilled when Nick strangled Rosemary. I clapped out loud and blurted out 'Fuck yeah' when her body fell with a thud to the floor. My behavior drew several evil glares from those seated around me, and a couple of shushes.

I realized too late that Nick had turned out to be the bad guy, and had been out to murder Rosemary from the start.

Surprise ending. Huh.

Nick should probably kick her to make sure she's really dead.

The final scene was almost identical to the opening one, with Nick looking out the window of a hotel room.

The camera panned back until we saw the back of his naked torso.

That rear end should be on the list of man-made wonders of the world.

Someone should write his parents a thank you note for having sex. Maybe send them flowers? A gift card for Outback?

When the credits rolled, I bolted from the still darkened theatre into the dimly lit hallway, urgently in need of a toilet. After that, I would probably head home to take a shower because, for some reason, I felt a little dirty.

Of course, being me, I plowed right into the first poor unsuspecting soul to cross my path, landing on my ass in the process.

EPOV

I would be so glad to get back to L.A. tomorrow. Alice, knowing that I wouldn't make it home to Seattle for Christmas this year, had planned one crazy thing after another for me to do with the family on Thanksgiving weekend. I drew the line at the family photo in which we all wore matching Christmas sweaters.

I shuddered at the memory.

Not even my hotel room was safe from her intrusion at the moment, so I decided to escape for the afternoon. My destination, the closest movie theater.

I took a cab to the theater, unrecognizable in my beanie, hoodie and jeans. I even threw on my dark glasses for good measure intending to remove them once I reached the safe haven of the dark theater.

Slumdog Millionaire was receiving rave reviews, knowing this would be the last time I'd be able to enjoy a movie for quite a while, I purchased my ticket. Once the international press tour started for September Ends my free time would be nonexistent, so I needed to make this count. I purchased popcorn and a drink and headed for theater 12.

Just as I rounded the corner toward my theater, a small figure darted out of another theater, and slammed right into me. The person was tiny, and obviously female. The force of the impact sent her sprawling across the floor.

I juggled my popcorn and drink with one hand, while reaching with the other to help her up. My touch on her sleeved arm was very brief, but the slight electric current took me by surprise. Her face was almost completely obscured by her hood, and she never looked up. She whispered a muffled "Sorry, I've got to pee." and darted away toward the lobby.

I stood there watching in disbelief, chuckling to myself, for a minute before snapping back into reality.

Theater 12.….

BPOV

I felt awful for bumping into that guy, and knew that my apology sucked, but I really needed to visit the little girls' room before springing a leak.

The weirdest thing happened when he grasped my upper arm to help me up. I didn't panic the way I normally would when touched by a strange man. The only thing I felt was a strange electric pulse which sent small shivers through my body.

In the bathroom stall, I thought about that, and wondered why the touch of some random stranger could feel oddly comforting.

Just shut it Bella. Your emotions have been all over the place for the last couple hours, while you lusted after a movie star.

It's not as if the random stranger was Edward Masen or anything. Now that would be something to get excited about.

On the way home I decided I was more mentally disturbed than usual when I tried to rework the lyrics to 'I Like Big Butts' in my head….

'I like Edward's butt and I can not lie, You other sisters can deny,….'

You get the idea.

I was truly thankful that I never got to see all of Edward Masen's naked body. I would probably have suffered heart failure right there in my seat.

And those asshole movie-goers would have complained about having to step over my corpse on their way out.

After my shower, I tried to think of a way to purge naked Edward Masen from my mind.

My solution to the problem required looting Emmett and Rose's DVD collection, my goal: Old School.

There was no doubt in my mind that viewing a drunk, naked, Frank the Tank running down the street, would successfully burn the image of Edward Masen's glorious gluteus maximus from my mind. Well, not totally, but it would hopefully dilute the memory enough to let me sleep tonight.

Painful but necessary Bella.

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A/N Sorry for that bit of silliness, I truly am. And to think it all started with a photo of a butt-crack. I'll explain on the Facebook page. Happy Thanksgiving, or just Happy Thursday or Friday..depending upon your location.