A Place Deep Within

Thirteenth Chapter - Stay with me

October 30- midday

It's past lunch-time when Steve and Two-Bit shows up at my work. I can see them from the window, worried faces that makes me leave my spot and meet them outside next to Steve's car before they have a chance to reach the door.

"What's the matter?"

Pony's not with them, and I don't know if that's a good sign or not. Probably not, even if that had meant he had ditched school if he was.

"It's Pony," Steve says, and I suddenly feel dizzy at his words. My friend catch my arm.

"No, Soda. It has nothin' to do with the kid gettin' hurt or somethin'."

"But-"

"All we know are that Darry showed up at school to take 'em home," Two-Bit fills in. "Um, from the councelor's office." I don't miss the glances the two of them exchanges.

"Darry wants you to get home," Steve says, looking around for Mr. Henderson's car. It's not here.

"Gimme your keys," I hurry. Steve doesn't hesitate. If Darry wants me to leave my job, it must be important. But before my friend let go of me, he force me to look at him.

"I'll take your shift, okay?"

I nod, but really don't give a shit if this will give me trouble later. Two-Bit's already in the passenger seat when I take my place behind the steering wheel.

"I know you don't tell me everything," I say sternly when I reverse out onto the street, nearly taking down our OPEN-sign on the pavement, and Two-Bit puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Slow down. A speed ticket won't do any good," he says dryly and I snort.

"You've never cared 'bout speed or tickets before." But I release the gas pedal, slowing down some even if not fully to the limit. "Just tell me, Two-Bit."

"It' ain't nothin' new," he says. "The usual stuff."

"You mean about Johnny." It's not a question, and he sighs.

"Yeah. I guess some teacher found out."

I have to stop at a red light, my fingers drum impatiently while I wait for it to turn to green.

"It's okay," I try to convince myself. It's not like it's the first grown-ups that knows. His doctor do too. Wilkins. And he's fine with it. The school won't make this worse than it is. They can't.

I hope.

XXX

October 30 - midday

"You knew and you didn't tell me?" Darry tries his best not to shout at me, but I can tell he has to fight for it. I feel ashamed. Had it been otherwise, Darry hiding things about Pony from me, I would have been furious. Not that I can admit it, not now.

"I just found out myself." I defend myself with the lie, but he doesn't fall for it. "Darry, come on, you knew too." Some of it.

He sits down at his bed. We have closed the door to his bedroom, but I'm sure Pony can hear us from his spot on the couch. We're not as quiet as I want us to be. I just hope Two-Bit's able to distract him from our words when we argue about him.

"I knew he said he thought he saw him once, Soda. I knew that he didn't really think that he's dead. But you never told me that he... talks to him."

I lean against the wall, my head hangs low. "I'm sorry." And I am. But Darry doesn't calms down.

"How long, Soda?"

"I..."

"Soda!"

"Two-Bit told me he heard him yesterday," I avoids. Then I sigh. I have to be honest. "And Steve told me 'bout the rumors last Wednesday."

"So you have known for almost a week?" Darry looks angry, but he holds his voice low and steady. That's worse than when he yells.

"It's not like I knew, " I say to him. "How could I know if it was true? I mean... damn it, Darry. I was scared," I admit, not looking at him. I don't mention the time before that when I heard Pony talk to nobody when I took a shower. That memory still haunts me. I think I knew even then. I just denied it. I wish I still could.

Darry put his hands on his knees. "Well, obviously we can't handle this ourselves. I'm takin' him to the hospital tomorrow."

I feel myself go pale.

"No! No, Darry-", but he rise, grabs my shoulders.

"Soda, we don't have a choice! And it's not just because of Pony."

I shake my head, trying to get his words, and he continues. "The school threatens to contact the Social Services. The councelor told me, Soda. If we don't do anythin' to help him, they'll take actions. You understand that?"

I manage to nod. I do. "But he know he's dead." I know I sound whiny. Somehow I thought that statement from him would stop all this. Darry let me go and turns around, plops down on the bed again. And when he speaks next, it's so defeated.

"Yeah, but that makes it even worse, doesn't it?"

XXX

Eight months ago- winter

Mrs. Keene smiles sadly at us, and I hate that we're here. I don't trust her, even if she looks nice. I can tell Ponyboy doesn't either, cause he keeps chewing at his finger nails while Darry speaks.

"Are you sure, Mr. Curtis?" Mrs. Keene says when he's done talking, and we all flinch at the name. Mr. Curtis is dad, not Darry.

"Yes." Darry doesn't hesitate, and I grip Pony's hand, forcing it down from his mouth while holding my breath. Our future lies in her hands, and I wonder how she feels about the power she possess. Does she know how much she affect us? I guess she does, it shows in her eyes when she turns her gaze away from Darry and looks at Pony. He shifts uneasy under her stare.

"Ponyboy," she says. "Do you want to live with your brother?" She sounds like she expects a 'No'.

Pony nods frantically. "Yeah." I push at his leg and he swallows and tries again. "Yes ma'am. I really do." Her smile disappears, she looks disappointed.

"Me too," I say before she has the time to say anything. The sound she makes through her nose is not a good sign, and Pony gives me a quick glance. His eyes are still red after the crying before we left home this morning. But Darry sits straight in his chair, ready to fight for our family. What's left of it.

"Mrs. Keene," he says, and he has never sounded so mature before. "I know I can take good care of my brothers."

She snorts. Then she takes her pen an scribble something down on the paper in front of her. "All right," she says, sourly. When she points at the line Darry'll sign, she eyes him. "Don't let me regret this."

"I won't," Darry says.

All the way in the car back home, he gives us lectures of what we can't do. Don't drink, don't fight, don't get in trouble, don't even let the adults notice us in any ways, good or bad, especially bad. I can tell he's afraid. Not for the responisbility he just got. He's afraid of losing it.

XXX

October 30 - night

"You should come to bed," I suggest to my brother. "Come on," I urge. "It's late."

It's almost midnight, but I know why he doesn't want to sleep. It's not the nightmares, it's about tomorrow.

He sighs and close the book, throwing it down in his backpack on the floor beside his feet. He quickly changes into a tee and pyjamas pants before he lies down on his side of the bed. None of us moves to turn off the lamp, and all the unsaid things linger between us. Somehow I think Pony knows this, cause he turns to face me.

"Soda, do you think I'm crazy?" he says all suddenly. His voice is soft, but I hear the fear underneath. His question startles me.

"No," I say, and that's the truth. I don't. If I have, I don't anymore. Their deaths have start digging deep into my heart too, more than ever before. If I'm hurt, I know Pony's worse. It was his best friend, after all. He's not crazy. He just trying to comprehend, I'm sure of it.

"But..." Pony starts but hesitate, and then he tries again. "But I know you know, Soda."

"Yeah," I confirm. "I do."

He swallows, speaks in a small voice. "From Darry? He told ya today?"

"No... Two-Bit told me yesterday."

Pony takes a deep breath. Then he nods, looking so serious. He bites his lip for a moment before he continue, slowly. "Yeah. I thought so. I knew he would tell you about what he heard in the hallway," he says. "He can never keep quiet 'bout me since the rumble and when I got sick and everythin'." He turns to his back, staring at the ceiling. I copy him, watching the dirty white color above us.

"I already knew before, even, " I answer quietly to that, and when he gives me a glance, I continue. "Steve told me that night we were out. He... he heard the rumors."

"Oh." He seems embarassed. "Yeah. Everybody knows. The teachers and the principal... I've heard the students talk 'bout me in school. Sometimes they don't even whisper."

I hate them all. Pony looks so sad. "Don't listen to them," I say to him, but he shrugs.

"I try... but they're right, you know." He turns his gaze away again. "Cause... cause I think I am."

"Am what?"

"Crazy." He whispers that. First I'm speechless. I don't know what to say this time. But I repeat what I said before, the only thing I can say.

"You're not crazy, Pone."

It's weird to hear him laugh. Giggle, almost, before he suddenly stops. I hope he will continue talking, and he does. "Then what am I? Because I see him. I talk to him. And he's dead." He refuse to look at me.

"It's just your hope, Pone," I say. "You just wish-"

"No!" He drags himself up to lean on an elbow, staring at me. His eyes are bewildered. "He's real! It's like... like it never happened. Like he never died. Just... just that I'm the only one who can..." He becomes silent, shakes his head. "First I really thought you were mad at him and Dally, ya know."

I remember the time on the porch, after Dr. Wilkins visit. "Why?"

"Because you refused to see him or talk to him or..." He gestures with his other hand. "You said he was dead," he accuses me. "You and Darry. I thought you thought it was their fault, everythin'."

I try to calm him down, my hand on his shoulder.

"Pone, you really thought we would say somethin' like that if it wasn't true? You really thought we would be mad at Johnny?" Dally maybe, but never Johnny. "So mad that we ignored them? Pretended they were dead?"

He blushes. "No... not... not really." He puts a hand in front of his eyes."But... but he was there. And you... when you said those things..." He sighs and lies down again. "You just don't understand."

"I do." At least trying to. He glares at me.

"No, you don't. Cause you're not crazy," he says, sounding defeated. Then he reach out a hand and the room gets dark. I don't know how long we're just laying there, listening to each others breaths.

"I don't want to sleep," Pony suddenly whispers, and I take his hand.

"It's okay. I'm here."

"It ain't okay. I'll just dream again."

"The nightmare?"

I can feel that he nods, a small shift in his pillow next to mine.

"That's how I knew he's dead, ya know." I almost can't recogize Pony's voice. It's low. So scared. Uncertain. Like he doesn't want to talk, but have to. "He comes to me when I'm asleep. And he's mad. He's so angry at me, Soda. I shouldn't have run into that fire. It's my fault that he died. He keeps saying that. He says that I should've died and not him. I was the one who ran first. Soda, he's so nice when I talk to him during the days, but in the nights..."

"Pone..." I want him to stop talking. I want it so badly. I can't handle this, how he talks about Johnny, how he blames himself, but he ignores me, keeps rambling.

"In the nights, he's so mad. Then I just want him to go away, but in the days, I want him to stay. I want him to stay with me, Soda. Please don't take him away from me."

"Pony..."

"I talked to him yesterday. I told him to stop, ya know... stop being mad at me in the nights, cause if he doesn't I don't know what to do... "

"Pony! Stop it! Just stop it, please! He's dead. Dead! You can't talk to him, Pony, you can't..." I hold him by his shoulders, shaking him. Trying to make him understand this ain't real. It's worse to hear him saying this, than hear it from Steve or Two-Bit or Darry. I keep talking, asking him to stop. I know I'm crying. It feels like forever before Pony puts his hands against mine and pulls me off, but it could only be a minute. His eyes are stern now.

"But I want to, Soda. I want to talk to him. You can't make me stop if I want to!"

Then I give up. I can't do this anymore. I get up and leave our room, hoping the couch is free tonight. I don't even turn around to look at my brother when I close the door behind me.

XXX

October 31 - morning

I know we should keep our voices down, but I'm too mad. I crack an egg down into the pan, careless, and small pieces of the shell follows with it.

"I'm his brother too," I snarl when Darry takes the spatula from me.

"You're not holding together," Darry says. "That's why you can't come with us." He gives me a suspicious glance. "And why did you sleep on the couch this morning? What happened between you two?"

I ignore his questions. "Don't ya dare leave him there!" I fold my arms and take a step back, letting Darry take over the place in front of the stove. He sighs and tries to pick up the small, white pieces from the frying egg.

"Maybe I have to."

"No, you don't."

"Soda," Darry warns. I glare at him. Right then I don't even like him. "Go to work."

"I have a day off," I lie.

He doesn't say anything, and I leave the kitchen, furious. "Fine!" I snap when I walk past him. I go to my bedroom and accidently wake up Pony when I slam the door shut. He sits up without a word, looking at me while I dress.

"I have to go," I say, avoiding to mention our last conversation. "Steve'll be here at any minute."

"Okay."

I swallow. "I... I don't know if you'll be here when I get back." I glance at him. His bleached hair is a mess, his face expressionless. He shrugs.

"Okay."

"You do know about... the hospital?"

"Mhm."

I stare at him. He doesn't even seem to care. But before I go I have something to say.

"I love you, Pone."

He looks at me, this time smiling. "I love you too, Soda."

Thank you so much for your reviews.

And I'm sorry if I disappoint any of you, but no, Johnny is not a ghost in this story. He really is only in Pony's head.

Please review, it ony takes you a minute but I will be happy forever :)