A Place Deep Within
Seventeenth Chapter - Unspoken
November 7 - evening
"It wasn't." He doesn't answer first, so I try again. "It wasn't, Darry. Why would you think that?"
"I pushed him too hard. I was about to send him to school."
"So?"
He stands up. "Apparently he wasn't ready for that. You know what happened."
"So you mean it was the school's fault?"
He snorts at this. "No." He hesitates just for a minute more, then the words streams out of him. "I asked Dr. Nelson how Pony suddenly could be so sick when he was fine the day before. And he asked me if there was something that could've triggered it. Something we said or did or... and all I can think of that when he got sick, it was the day he should go back to school."
I think it over. "That doesn't make it your fault Dar. Maybe that wasn't even the cause," I say, but he shakes his head.
"I should've seen it. I'm his guardian. I should've seen he wasn't ready."
I lean back, rolling my eyes at him. "Stop talkin' like that. It was nobodys fault. If you want to blame someone, blame the Socs that jumped him and Johnny that night. They started it. But that doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter if you blame them or yourself or me or anyone, it ain't gonna change nothin', Dar. Just... please, just drop it."
A long moment pass before he finally nods, but I know he doesn't agree with me. He's too good at blame himself.
XXX
November 10 - day
We borrow Two-Bit's car and drive to the cemetery. It has snowed all night, three inches of white covers the ground, but that doesn't stop us. First we make it to Mom and Dad, brush off the snow from their headstone and stands in silent thoughts for a while, before I show Pony to Johnny's and Dally's place. We're walking slow, almost hesitating, Pony one step behind me all way. They are buried beside each other, and Pony stares at the spot. There's nothing.
"Where are the stones?" he asks, bewildered.
"They don't have any," I tell him smoothly, regretting I didn't told him before we got here. Both their parents are too poor, too not caring about their sons. Pony knows this too.
"Oh." He ignores the snow, sitting down on his heels with his hands on his knees. "It ain't right," he says.
"I know," I agree. But what can we do? We don't have the money either.
"What am I supposed to do?" Pony asks low. "I... when I talked to him before, it wasn't just..." he gestures at the empty space in the line of graves. If it had been summer, it had been grass and flowers, but now, it's nothing. It's unworthy them. They deserve more. They were our friends. They were heroes.
"It ain't any different than when you talk to Mom and Dad," I say to him. "If you want to talk to him... just do it."
He watch me for a while, then turns to the grave again.
"Um... hi, Johnny..." His voice is thin, a bit shaky. I take a few steps away, giving him the air I know he needs.
I find a bench and sit down. I'm smoking when Pony approach me ten minutes later. His eyes are red, and he reach out a hand. I give him the pack and my lighter, and he shakes out a stick and lights it.
"I wanna go to school on Monday," he says, blowing out. "I think I'm ready."
This is not something I had expected from him. "You sure?"
"Yeah." He sits down beside me. "I have to go back sometime, don't I?"
"Only if you want to, Pone." I'm sure Darry won't say anything if he wants to stay home a bit longer.
"I want to. I will have a lot of work to catch up with anyways." The smoke from our cigarettes whirls in the air. I used to smoke only when something worried me, or just before a fight, but the last time I've smoked so much I'm almost like Pony. I toss the butt away, seeing it disappear in a snowdrift.
"I was thinkin'..." Pony starts. "I can talk to him even if I... I mean, I don't have to see him to talk to him, right?" He looks to the left, to the graves some distance away.
"You don't," I agree. "You can talk to him whenever you want."
"You know what I said, before the hospital and everythin'?"
"What about it?" It's the first time he mention it since he got home.
"I don't want that anymore."
"What?"
"See him. I don't want that. I did, but I don't anymore. I promise, Soda. I don't."
"Pone..."
"He's not alive, Soda. That's why." He turns to me. "Can we go home now?"
XXX
November 12 - morning
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"You don't have to."
"But I want to."
"Ponyboy..."
"Stop it, Darry!" Pony shoves down his math book in the school bag. "It's fine!" He briefly meets my eyes where I stand behind Darry in the doorway to the bedroom, before he turns to our older brother again. "I won't get sick again."
"All right," Darry finally says. "But tell me if-"
"I will, but I won't!" Pony push Darry aside and leaves the room without looking back. I hear him talk to Two-Bit before he yells a good bye, and the front door slams. Darry looks at me.
"I don't know about this," he says, rubbing his chin. He has argued with Pony all morning, hasn't even taken the time to dress himself. "What if it's too soon?"
"Then we have to deal with it later." I sit down on the bed. I do agree with Darry, but I know it's only because I want to protect Pony. But I also know that he needs this. He must live his life. We can't help him with that, and I tell Darry this.
"Yeah," he says, then looks down at his pyjamas. "I need to get dressed."
"You need to shave too," I enlighten him, and then I grin. It only takes a second before he smiles back. I think we both know Pony going back to school can be a good sign, after all.
XXX
November 12 - evening
"It went okay?" I have been eager to know all day, and I ask even if I can see the answer on his face. It's calm.
"Yeah." He sits at the kitchen table, books and papers spread all over. He tap with his pencil. "No one said anythin'." But the way he says that make me understand he didn't escaped the glances.
"So... how are ya feelin'?" I eye him, hoping he will be honest with me.
"I'm okay." He smiles at me. "Really, Soda, I'm fine. Stop lookin' at me like that."
I sit down in front of him. "I'm just worried, Pony."
"I know." He writes something down, erase it, starts over. "You don't have to."
It's not easy to admit, but I can see that the hospital helped him more than I thought it would. I almost have my kid brother back.
"When you're big enough to have your own kids, you'll understand," I tease him, making him laugh.
XXX
December 14- evening
Pony stands in the doorway to the kitchen, school bag in his hand.
"I was failing english," he sighs. I turn away from the stove.
"You was?"
He walks to the table, throw himself down in a chair. "I wrote this... a theme." He picks up a bunch of papers from the bag. I raise my eyebrows at the sight.
"You wrote all that?"
"Mhm." He puts his elbows on the table, rests his chin in his hands. "It's about everythin'. Almost. What happened."
I feel uncertain. "Are you sure, Pone?" I don't know if it's a good idea that someone outside our gang knows about our life. Especially grown ups. Especially someone in Pony's school.
"It's just my english teacher. I trust him. He said he would give me a C if I turned in a good theme."
"You wrote about it all?" I ask, a bit worried. He strokes the papers with one hand.
"I kinda left out the sick part," he says. I know he still feels a bit ashamed over it. We keep telling him he doesn't have to feel that way, but that's not enough. He lost some school friends after everything in the park, with Bob Sheldon, and even if he doesn't talk about it, I know he lost more, if not all, after his psychosis. He didn't have that many to start with either. He hasn't told anyone what was wrong with him, but they don't need a name for it to know it anyway. But at least he has the gang. I know Two-Bit and Steve still watch his back in school.
"Okay," I say, waiting.
"And I got an A," he smiles, holding up the first page. The letter A is written in the top corner with a bright red color. I'm proud of him.
XXX
May 10- day
The spring air is warm, and we're heading to the lot, a football stuck under Darry's arm. It's the first time we will play since we lost them, but it feels like we have to. We must keep living. Pony joins with Darry and Two-Bit, and of course, Steve and I are the other team. I think we all feels it at first, the awkward absence of our friends, but as the game goes on, we're having fun. Steve curse when Darry makes another touch down, making his team lead. Pony laughs. His hair shines red in the sun, finally rid of all the blonde. It's still too short for his liking, but he looks healthy. I bet he has grown a bit during the months, and I know he has gained weight. He's still small, still thin, but not as much as before. Track are good for him, and Darry make sure he eats and studies, his grades are slowly going upwards. It was a time we thought he would have to repeat the year, but good teachers and lots of work have made him manage to push up his grades to a level that satisfies both him and Darry. He's still struggling, we all know, but everything's getting better each day. For all of us.
"Two-Bit, put that down," Darry says, tossing the ball to Pony. Our sideburned friend grasp a beer bottle by its neck.
"Aw, Darry, it's just fair for Soda and Steve," he tries. "We're two and they're two."
"We're three, Two-Bit." Darry folds his arms. "Wouldv'e thought all those years in high school had learned you some math."
"You're one," Two-Bit explains, pointing. "Pony's a half, and me, with only one hand avalible-" he waggle with his free one,"-is a half. That makes two." He grins, raising an eyebrow.
Darry laughs and shakes his head, but Pony grumps. "I'm not a half."
"Sure you are, kiddo." Two-Bit takes a sip, just to spill all over his t-shirt when Pony throws the ball at him.
I stretch my back, watching what's left of our gang. Darry adjusts his shoelace when Two-Bit takes a few steps to the outskirt, to put his bottle down on the pavement. I guess he doesn't want to lose any more beer, and I chuckle to myself. Steve picks up the ball, it bounced against Two-Bit to land in the grass beneath his feet. And then I see Pony.
He stands still, a sudden smile appears on his face as he makes a small, almost unnoticeable wave with his hand. Like he greet someone, but it's only us here. It could be him waving away a fly, I think, absent-mindedly, when he takes a step back, turns around and discovers me looking at him. Even from this distant I can see how he pales, how a terrified look shows up in his eyes for a moment. It quickly turns to a plead, and he looks devastated, mouths a soundless Soda, and I don't really understand. I think I don't want to, but then the truth grips my heart, freezing my blood cold inside.
He looked at the tree.
I know I have to go to him, grab his arm, shake him, force him to tell me when it never stopped, why he never told us. I know I have to shout to Darry to come, to take over, 'cause I'm not sure I can handle this once more.
We can't start it all over, with the sickness, the silence, the guilt, the worries. How can we let it take over our lives again, when we thought we had it behind us? It's been six months, I want to shout at my youngest brother. Six fuckin' months, and everything should be okay by now. It was okay. We all knew it. Thought it was. But apparently, it's not, and I know I can't keep it a secret. I have to tell Darry. Call the hospital. Ask them what we did wrong, we must've done something wrong. We never asked him if it stopped, I realize. We just assumed.
But it seems like I can't move. Our eyes are locked into each other. He doesn't want this. I don't want this. He still pleads me without words, looking like a deer catched in the highlight, and maybe I do too.
My thoughts race. I can take us back in time again. Or-
"Soda! Catch!" Steve shouts, all sudden, making me jerk, and we all are in the game again. The ball is thrown high in the air, and I stretch out my arms. I catch it. And then I run. I run to the other side of the field. I avoid Darry, I make a touch down. Our teams are equal again, and Pony stands closest. His eyes are empty now, his fingers curls around each other. He looks so nervous. So scared. I don't want him that way. I can't stand it. So I fling my arm around him, to whisper in his ear.
"It's okay, Pone," I soothe him, and his body relax under my arm. "Don't tell," I add, not sure what I mean. If it's me who don't want to hear the words, or if it's Darry who can't know. I think it's both. Pony smiles briefly, relieved, but still uncertain.
"It didn't happen," I whisper, and he nods, agrees with me, agrees with the lie. It didn't happen.
-Or I can pretend. I can believe it was just him wavering away a fly. I can pretend everything is fine, until it really is. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm wrong.
I hope.
So I stay quiet.
XXX
Before it happened - summer
We're playing football at the lot, all seven of us. The gang. Darry's here, and I, and Ponyboy. Steve has his arm slunged over my shoulders, telling me about his last night with Evie. I'm glad that he whispers, cause his words are not meant for Pony's ears. Two-Bit stumbles and falls when he tries to catch the ball. Pony's laughing along with Johnny. Dally smirks. He stands a bit outside our marked up field, taking a last drag of his smoke before tossing it into the grass. Then his arms flies up.
"Hey, Two-Bit!"
And Two-Bit throws the ball at him even if they're not in the same team, cause Two-Bit always forgets who's with who, and Dally knows how to take advantage of it. Dally makes a touch down in front of Johnny, then gently shoves him out of the way. Johnny smiles at this.
We didn't know it then, but the two of them had only one month left to live.
I still remember how we laughed.
I still remember how we felt. We weren't poor that day. We weren't only five. We weren't sick. We weren't dead. We weren't heroes. It weren't us against the world. We were only young boys, having fun, in the end of the summer.
~The End~
The endings are always the hardest to write, I think, and this was no exception. I really hope this chapter lived up to your expectations. And I'm sorry, but I won't write any sequel to this story. I feel that it has to end here, and to continue it would just not work. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and please, leave a final thought. I really appreciate it, as you already know :)