CHAPTER 2
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The gang sits in a circle and passes a bong.
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"Yeah, this is much better" Jackie smiles as she exhales and the weed overtakes her senses. "Much".
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"You're so tiny, Jackie. I forgot how small you were. Like a pocket person." Donna gets excited "Pocket people would make the best kid's toy! You could collect them all and then stuff them in your pocket. I would totally buy one!"
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"Oh please. Everybody looks like a Pocket Person compared to you, lumberjack," Jackie sniffs.
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"Why are all of the good sugar holidays all bunched together at the end of the year?" Fez muses while snacking on a candy cane. "Halloween happens, then right after you have Thanksgiving and all those delicious pies, and then BAM! Christmas cookies and cake. Then there's a long drought until Easter rolls around. Why do we have to wait four months to have peeps? I love peeps. Peeps!" Fez laughs at the word.
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"Peeps! Good one." Kelso nods and laughs with Fez. "Brooke wants me to dress up like Santa tomorrow for Betsy. I mean, it's practically a crime to bury all of this hotness in a fat suit and beard. I should know, I'm a cop. I'm like an expert in Christmas law." Kelso says proudly as he sucks on his candy cane.
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"Peeps!" Fez starts laughing again, which triggers a giggle fit in Kelso as well.
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"Santa is just a stooge made up by Coke and corporate America in order to keep their industries alive through the act of bribing kids to stay in line. I mean, if kids are good, they get toys and Mattel wins. If they're bad, the coal industry wins. It's a win-win situation for The Man," Hyde rants angrily, then puts a candy cane in his mouth and crunches down hard.
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Jackie looks at Hyde seriously "I must be seriously baked, because that actually makes total sense to me."
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"What?" he snaps, finding it weird that she agrees with him.
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"I think Christmas is a holiday designed for fat girls who want skinny girls to eat so much pie that they get fat too. You know, to even the playing field? Santa is fat, so he's probably on their side. It's a conspiracy." Jackie nods vigorously then suddenly has an epiphany. "Maybe Santa is 'The Man'?"
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Eric looks like he has a sour taste in his mouth. "I think you may have dated Hyde a little too long, Jackie," he says as he shoves a mince pie in his mouth. "Do you think they celebrate Christmas on Tatooine? They have three moons, you know, so it may be too bright to use any Christmas lights, right?" Eric wonders. "And the reindeer might accidentally land on a sand pit, which would suck."
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"Pocket People would also make a great title for a horror film like The Blob. Beware of the Pocket People!" Donna says in a weird robot voice while making scary hands. "My hands are HUGE!" she laughs.
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"Santa is such an asshole" Jackie says as she eats a mince pie. "Ooh, this is good pie" she smiles.
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Jackie, Fez and Kelso play a game of poker on a card table near the shower, while Donna and Eric make out on the couch next to them. Hyde sits in his chair drinking a beer and ignoring the rest of the gang.
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Jackie glances over at him and then back to the other guys. "Is he always like this now?"
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"For a while, I guess. He wasn't this way when you left?" Kelso asks.
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"He was worse, actually" she says, raising her eyebrows.
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"You know I can hear you, right?" Hyde asks, getting annoyed.
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"Whatever" Jackie shrugs.
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Hyde laughs to himself at her employment of zen. He has to hand it to her, she's got zen in spades tonight.
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"You could always move ten feet over and join us. That way we can talk about you to your face instead of literally right behind your back" she suggests.
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"I'm good" he says grumpily.
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"Somebody's gonna get a lump of coal in his stocking," Jackie snickers to Fez who joins her.
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"I raise by six candy canes," Fez announces.
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Hyde turns around to face Jackie. "Why did you come back, anyway? We were all enjoying the peace and quiet".
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"You don't seem like you enjoy much of anything, Hyde, except for binge drinking, of course" she says coolly as she throws six candy canes into the pot. "I'll call" she announces to the players.
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"It helps to binge drink when you've got a lot of bad memories you want to block out," he smiles obnoxiously at her and downs the rest of his beer in one go. Hyde makes an exaggerated quenched sound, and then pops open another brew.
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"Will you two put a sock in it for one night? It's Christmas!" Donna complains, tearing herself away from Eric.
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"She started it" Hyde grumbles, earning him a nasty look from Jackie.
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Donna leaves the couch and walks around to the card table. "Deal me in" she demands as she perches herself on the back of the couch.
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"Hello? You left me with a bit of a situation over here, Big D," Eric whimpers while sliding a cushion onto his lap to block his erection from view. "A little Christmas charity wouldn't kill you, honey".
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Kelso deals Donna a set of five cards.
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"You're letting him be the dealer? He's a big cheater with poor math skills" Donna frowns.
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"For your information, Juggs, I only cheat when I'm down". Kelso gives Jackie the eye to see if he can read her hand. "I'm gonna call".
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Jackie looks at him confused. "You didn't put anything into the pot, Michael".
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"Can I borrow $5, Jackie?" he asks her.
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"We're playing for candy canes" she laughs.
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"Is that a no?" Kelso asks.
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"You wusses are playing for candy canes?" Hyde mocks them. "How about a real game?"
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"How about-you're not even playing so you don't get a say?" Jackie snaps.
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Hyde takes a moment to think about it, then grabs his chair and brings it over to the card table. "Okay, deal me in," he orders her.
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"Say please" she pouts her lips out, making his blood run hot. "And take those glasses off. It isn't fair to the other players".
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"Good to see you've been keeping your ball-busting skills sharp" he says as he takes his glasses off and hooks them on his shirt. "Okay. Pleaseeee?" he sticks out his bottom lip like Jackie always does.
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Jackie looks at him for a moment, forcing down an amused smile. "Fine" she says as she nods to Kelso to deal Hyde in.
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"What do you all say about making this a little more interesting?" Hyde suggests.
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Fez's eyes widen. "My first American game of strip poker!"
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"NO." Jackie shuts him down.
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"What do you have in mind, Hyde?" Eric asks, now perched up on the couch to join the game.
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"How about...the winner gets to turn one of the losers into their slave?" Hyde pitches.
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"No way. Fez will make us do something gross" Donna complains to Jackie, who agrees.
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Fez shrugs "She's right".
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"The winner could choose one of the losers to dress up like a woman" Jackie suggests, clapping her hands in excitement. "I'm going to pick Donna," she smiles.
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"What about 20 Questions?" Eric suggests. "The winner can ask somebody 20 questions they've always wanted to know and the loser has to answer each one honestly. No passes".
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"Stop being such a girl, Forman," Hyde grumbles.
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"Seriously" Kelso agrees.
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"What? You guys don't want to know which one of you Jackie thinks is better in bed?" he asks.
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They look at each other for a moment.
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"20 Questions it is!" declares Donna.
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Hyde and Jackie are the last two players at the poker table. She's now drinking directly from the wine bottle.
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"Prepare to have your ass kicked" he warns her. "I'm all in" he says, pushing all of his candy canes towards the center of the table.
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"Ha. You know that overconfidence is your tell, right?" she smiles.
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"Is that so, doll?" he asks, intrigued by her theory.
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"Let's find out. I'll call," she says as she pushes all of her candy into the pot. "Ready to tell us all of your deepest, darkest secrets?" she taunts him as she splays her hand out on the table.
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Hyde looks at her cards and shakes his head. "Fuck" he puts his losing hand down on the table.
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"Oh, poor thing" she laughs. "You must've forgotten that I'm as smart as I am pretty."
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Hyde rolls his eyes. "Who's your mark?"
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"Easy. I pick you," she says gleefully.
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"Nope" he says definitively.
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"Oh my God this is going to be so much fun!" Donna squeals.
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"Yeah? Well I'm not doing it" Hyde barks.
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"You're going to welch on a bet? I always thought you were a man of your word," Jackie challenges him.
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"We both know that's not true," he says as he looks her up and down. "Okay, let's get this over with," he says as he puts his glasses back on his face.
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Jackie frowns "No glasses".
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"Why not?" he asks.
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"Same reason as poker. We can't tell if you're lying to us if you wear those," she explains.
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"That's your problem, not mine," he grins, taunting her.
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"She right, man" Eric pipes in, backing Jackie up. "Lose the shades".
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"Fucking Brutus" Hyde mumbles in Eric's direction as he removes his sunglasses once again.
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Jackie claps her hands. "Alright then. Give me..." she looks at her half empty bottle of wine "...about more four fingers of wine to come up with my questions and I'll meet you back at this table. Be there or be square."
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Hyde finds himself looking forward to playing this game with the enthusiastic brunette, despite the personal cost to him. 'Scheming Jackie' was always his favorite to watch, next to 'Naked Jackie', that is. Hyde nods as she stands up. "Hey!" he calls out to her.
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Jackie turns around.
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"This didn't suck" he smiles, pointing to the poker table.
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"No. It really didn't" she agrees and walks away. As she leaves the table, Hyde suddenly finds himself very cold without her attention there to warm him.
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Jackie grabs a pen and paper from under the TV stand and walks over to Kelso. "If you could ask Hyde any question, what would it be?" she speaks softly, trying to keep Hyde from hearing.
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"Oooh, I've got it. I want to know what he did that made you leave me for him," he says seriously.
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"Michael..." Jackie shifts uncomfortably on her feet.
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"I'm serious. I've always wanted to ask him that. I want to know if he did something kinky in bed that hypnotized you into throwing over this (he gestures to his body) for that (he points to Hyde with a puzzled expression on his face)? Write it down!" he demands.
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"Okay" she says reluctantly as she records it.
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"I also want to know how he makes it hurt so much when he frogs me," he says.
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"Got it" she puts it on the list.
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"And I want to know who he thinks is the best at burning people," he says with a malicious smile.
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She laughs and puts the pen to the paper. "Anything else?"
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"Nope, I'm good" he says as he belches loudly and walks away.
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Jackie approaches Fez."What about you? Any questions for Hyde," she asks.
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Fez looks at her with accusation. "What are you doing?"
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"20 questions. Hyde lost the game" she says innocently.
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"No. You know what I'm getting at. Do you have amnesia or something?" Fez asks.
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"What do you want me to do? I'm just happy we're getting along for once," she admits.
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Fez nods. "Okay, just don't let one night cloud your judgment. He's just as big of an asshole as he's always been-and I say this as one of his best friends."
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"Do you have anything you want me to ask him?" she prods.
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"I do. A lot. Let's start with the obvious- why the hell did he stay with that stripper when she showed up in Point Place?" he questions bluntly.
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"I can't ask him that," she demurely turns her head.
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"You don't want to know?" he challenges her.
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"Of course I do, but you don't think it's over the line?" she asks.
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"He lost, right?" Fez grins. "Mark it down," he orders. "And don't forget to ask him if he regrets it! Same question, two parts."
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Jackie writes them both down and sighs. "You're really intent on making this the most uncomfortable night of my life, eh?"
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Fez ignores her protest. "I also want to ask him why he always wears those fucking sunglasses," he tells her.
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She records it in the pad.
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"And how he gets so many sluts to sleep with him!" Fez says.
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She scribbles it on the pad.
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"Also-" Fez continues.
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"No, you're cut off. For now at least," she says as she walks towards Donna and Eric.
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"Hi" she says, grateful to catch them during a lull in their heated make-out session.
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"Congratulations on beating Master Po," Eric laughs, bowing his head to Jackie Kung Fu style. "That must be stinging him pretty badly right about now".
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"Hopefully" she smirks.
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"So we get to help you ask questions, do we?" Donna cackles evilly.
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"I've got one" Eric starts. "I'd like to know why Hyde still lives in my parent's basement when we all know he can afford to leave the nest".
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"That's a good one!" Donna comments. "What about...let's ask him what his favorite color is and why".
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Jackie and Eric look at her like she's nuts.
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"You're not curious to see how he answers that one?" she asks.
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They both shrug and nod their heads.
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"Oh, and ask him if he's ever fooled around with Laurie!" Donna shouts a little too loud.
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Jackie and Eric both groan.
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"Oh gross. Nobody needs to know that. That's not Christmas talk." Eric shakes his head in disgust. "My mom's baby Jesus ornaments are down here, Donna," he says sarcastically.
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"Ask him if he feels like part of the family. You know, like a brother," he says.
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"Aww..." Donna coos as she kisses his cheek. "My sensitive lady" she teases. Suddenly, she becomes very giddy. "Ask him who the great love of his life is" she demands.
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Jackie feels a bit sick to her stomach at that suggestion. "You don't think that's an awkward question for me to be asking him?"
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Donna puts her hand on her hip. "You guys are ancient history, right? I mean, it's not like he's going to say it's you."
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Here it is- the number one reason Jackie chose not to visit the basement anymore. She sucked up quite a bit in the past for the sake of harmony, but she's not about to give them the same courtesy after what she was forced to endure last year.
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A/N - I hope it's fun to read, because I'm having a blast writing it. Pretty please- leave a review!