I am FLOORED by the number of responses in such a short period of time and so flattered! I really appreciate all of you who are taking the time to read this, especially those who have been leaving reviews and feedback. xoxo
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I know I always say this, but I really look forward to checking the reviews each day and they motivate me to do those frequent updates that I know you all love when you're reading fan fic. I promise to do my best to get the story out there quickly and I especially promise you all that I WILL finish this story. Like Jackie, I'm no quitter (see chapter below).
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CHAPTER 4
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Hyde walks into his room and gestures for Jackie to sit on the bed. He takes the chair opposite her and starts playing with a snow globe Kelso brought him from Chicago.
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Jackie settles onto the mattress and stares at her hands, the only safe place that doesn't trigger any sticky memories for her in this room. This is the first time she's been on his bed since they were together and it feels unsettling. If this bed could talk, it would have enough material for a filibuster, and now she's just sitting on it like she didn't have some of the best sex of her life there. It's just a mattress now, some springs and a little cotton, not the safe haven it once was.
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Funny how under different circumstances, a magic wand is just an ordinary piece of wood.
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"So..." Jackie starts, after several minutes of pregnant, uncomfortable silence.
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"It's kind of weird having you in here," Hyde confesses honestly. "Good weird, I mean" he says, quickly correcting himself before she has a chance to take it the wrong way.
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Jackie looks up at him for a moment and then back down at her hands, which are getting clammier by the second. "What did you want to talk to me about?" she asks timidly as she kneads her hands like two delicate mounds of dough.
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"I don't...I don't know, man. It was just getting heavy out there and I thought we should probably talk alone," he says, not knowing where exactly he plans to take conversation.
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His insides clench as he struggles with how much he wants to or even should reveal to her about the way he's been feeling. Clearly she's had some time to reflect on herself over the past year -it's pretty obvious judging by the way she's been handling him tonight- but she's not the only one.
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Her absence from the basement made it painfully obvious that his behavior had gotten way out of hand. Jackie was no quitter and she had a talent for bouncing back like a Weeble-Wobble, so her flight could only mean he had gone too far over the edge in his cruelty and denial. Of course, he kind of knew this already but like most addicts (or masochists with a sadistic streak, in his case), he hadn't come to accept it until he hit bottom.
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Mustering up the courage, Jackie launches into a speech she's been rehearsing in her head for the past year on the off-chance that she might bump into her ex somewhere in town. "Steven...I'm not mad anymore. I'm not anything, really. I just don't think we have anything left to say, you know?" she says thoughtfully.
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"Do you really feel that way?" he asks with a lump now forming in his throat. She sounds over it all. How can she be fucking over it when he's just starting to deal with it now? Hyde can't believe it, but he's actually longing for the days when she hated his guts, because at least he knew she still cared for him on some level.
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How can she seem so apathetic? He could never feel apathy for Jackie, despite how good he is at faking it. He finds himself surprised and yes, maybe a little freaking angry that she's able to switch off her feelings when he knows she once loved him-or was that just a lie? He knows he's not entitled to get angry, but that's never stopped him before.
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"I'm tired of fighting with you," she says, sounding as exhausted as he feels. "Even when we're not around each other this thing (she motions between them) occupies way too much space in my head, space I could be using for other things. Between you and my parents and Donna, I'm just burnt out. I just wanted a little peace for once," she admits. "Funny how I'm the peace-loving burn-out now, huh?"
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Hyde laughs in disbelief. "That's why you disappeared? You were...burnt-out?" he asks her with a slight edge.
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Jackie shrugs, not willing to give him more of an explanation than that.
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Just as he's about to say something mean, Hyde inexplicably shouts out "God, I was such a dick to you!" He drags both hands over his face roughly and feels the full weight of regret land squarely on his broad chest, now fully understanding the extent of the damage he caused.
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He stripped her of her spirit, and for what -to convince himself he didn't love her or need her, when he desperately did both? If some other guy had done this to Jackie he'd tear him limb from limb, but what's he supposed to do when the asshole is the guy staring at him every day in the mirror?
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She nods. "Pretty much, but it's over right? I think we should just move on and try to be friends," she says trying to sound breezy. Sure. Breezy like a hurricane.
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"I don't think it's over for me," he complains. "Seriously, if I could frog myself right now in the arm now I would."
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Jackie looks at him for a second, then out of nowhere, she frogs him in the arm with surprising force. Hyde mouths the word "ow" and rubs the spot where she made contact. He looks at her with a mix of bemusement and pride.
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Jackie's eyes light up at the moment of impact, as if the act of letting her genuine feelings loose were a soothing tonic. "Just helping out a friend, man" Jackie says, mocking Hyde's voice as she slips back into control mode.
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"Thanks?" he responds, not knowing what else to say. He had asked for it and he definitely had it coming, but who knew that this feisty midget could hit as hard as she kicks?
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Now he gets it. She couldn't be herself around him for fear of being made fun of. Pretending to be something you're not can be suffocating. He knows, because he's lived this way nearly every day of his life. She's just too genuine to play the game for too long.
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"Wow. That felt surprisingly good. I should've done that a while ago," she smiles as she rises off of the bed to leave.
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"Wait! You're leaving?" Hyde says, trying to hide his disappointment.
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"Is there anything else you need to get off your dirty t-shirt?" Jackie asks him, honestly confused and dying to get out of that room and off that damned mattress before it triggers memories that would be best left forgotten.
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"I never finished answering the questions," he says, glad he was able to quickly think of a legitimate-sounding excuse.
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"You're off the hook," she says with a wave of the hand as she heads for the door.
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As Jackie places her handle on the cold door knob she feels Hyde tug at the edge of her sleeve. "Come on doll, the natives will have my head if I don't. Do a guy a solid?" he gazes up at her with cheek, doing the male equivalent of eye-lash batting.
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"I don't know...it's getting kind of late..." Jackie mumbles as she tries to plot a graceful exit.
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"What if I answered one I skipped? What if I answered #10?" he offers, which prompts her to carefully turn around to face him.
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"Go on" she encourages cautiously, knowing that the answer he gives has the possibility of being soul-crushing.
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"The answer to #10 is Jackie Burkhart, but you probably knew that already," he blurts out quickly as he returns his focus to shaking up the Chicago snow globe once again.
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"I didn't know," she responds, slightly shocked, afraid to look up.
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Hyde stands up next to Jackie, her sudden close proximity sending him into a lustful reverie that he buries deep within. "How could you not know that? Who else would it be?" Hyde murmurs at her is if she's crazy.
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Jackie turns to face him. "Sam? Chrissy? Somebody I've never met before?" she says rattling off some of her guesses. "I've been out of your life for a year now, you know, anything could have happened then."
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He shakes his head and looks back down at the globe. "I'm sorry. That's something I should've made sure you knew. If it came as a surprise, then I did a pretty crap job of making you feel...I guess I was an even shittier boyfriend than I thought...if that's possible," he tags on to the back for good measure.
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"Oh it's possible" she says finally looking intently at him. "What do you think that ultimatum and Chicago was about, anyway? I didn't really want to get married right then, Steven, I just wanted to know that you wanted to be with me for the long haul. I never knew how you really felt about me, not really. I was just trying to force your hand. I wanted you to show me your cards, so to speak. I know I went about it all wrong, but I was young. I'm still young and...I'm sick of people leaving me, okay?"
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"Me too. Ironic, huh?" he sighs.
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Jackie looks at him sideways.
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Hyde gives her a hopeful smile. "I still have five questions left," he says, eyes and hands returning back to the snow globe for comfort.
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She nods and grabs the globe from his hands, brushing her fingers over his which send shock waves of heat through his body as she takes it from him. "Chicago, eh?" she groans as she notices what city the snow globe represents. "Bet you're super thrilled to have a souvenir to remind you of our time there" she comments sarcastically as she places the globe on the shelf.
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Hyde smiles. That's more like it. A bitchy Jackie is a happy Jackie. This he can get on board with.
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She flips the pad open once again, landing it on a blank page. "#16" she announces, now just making up questions up as she goes along. "Why were you so cruel to me when Sam was here? You were even horrible to me after she left."
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He looks at her and exhales. "I'm not proud of the way I treated you. I know you'll find this hard to believe, but I really felt sick every single time I said something mean to you. I felt every burn I gave you. I just couldn't help myself. You were always there, looking so damned beautiful, with all of this love and pain in your eyes, and I knew we could never go back. You'd never look at me the way you once did, so seeing you like that was just torture" he says with emotion. "I guess I wanted to destroy you since I knew you'd never be mine again. I'm a horrible, selfish person, Jackie. You said it once yourself. Poor people are bad."
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"Well, I should've guessed. I mean, you were such an asshole, and if you didn't care anymore you probably would've just ignored me right? I learned that lesson in grade school when you used to pull my braids," she says.
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"Can you blame me? You were a pretty cute ten year old," he says faux-seriously.
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"I was!" she beams. "Next question. #17- Did you ever plan on marrying me?" she asks without betraying her emotion.
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"I bought you a ring, doll. I still have it" he reveals.
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Jackie's eyes grow wide with shock. "You what? Where is it?" she asks, intrigued.
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Hyde shakes his head. "I don't want to show it to you."
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"Why did you keep it instead of giving it to Sam or returning it?" she asks.
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"Is that #18?" he asks.
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"It can be" she answers.
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"I kept it because I thought as long as I had it there might be a chance I could still give it to you one day. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it and I sure as hell wouldn't have given it to Sam. That ring was for you, Jackie" he explains.
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Jackie feels herself getting light-headed and falls back onto the mattress to sit again.
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"You okay?" he says, concerned she might be sick.
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"Just a little dizzy. I'm not used to mixing wine and pot. I think we should on," she pushes, forcing herself to be brave and face him. "#19 – Did you miss me at all after Las Vegas or were you too busy hating me?" she asks.
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"I missed you every day. Still do. This past year was brutal for me. I drank all the time, didn't take care of myself," he says.
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"You always do that, Steven" she says, finding this excuse hard to swallow.
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"You have no idea. Well actually, you do. That porn-stache I was sporting could only have been the result of alcohol-induced psychosis, right? Anyway, I watched that basement door every day hoping that I'd see you again, but you never came," he tells her quite sadly and honestly.
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"You did?" she asks as a shadow of a smile graces her lips.
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He nods.
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"Oh" she sighs out slowly, in an attempt to regulate her breathing. "One left" she announces, trying her best to work up the nerve to broach it. #20 – Are you still in love with me?" she asks timidly, trying to stop herself from letting him know she has any investment in his answer.
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Hyde's wounded eyes search out her own as he sinks to the ground in front of her. He grabs her hands and tries to will her to look at him. "I know I didn't tell you this enough when we were together, but I loved you and yeah, I still love you now. And I know for a fact that I'll never stop," he says as he lays his head down on her lap and throws himself at her feet to seek absolution for all his past sins.
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Hot tears pool in Jackie's eyes and she can't hold them in any longer. As she holds Hyde's head in her lap, she feels like she's living in a Dali painting. Everything feels so surreal it's almost like it's not happening at all to her, like it's a dream, yet here they are. She's had similar wish-fulfillment fantasies many times before, but this blows them all out of the water. Can it actually be real this time?
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Hyde picks his head up and looks into her eyes again. "I have one question for you," he declares.
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Jackie nods. "Go ahead."
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"Can you ever forgive me?" his voice breaks to a whisper on the final word.
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Jackie smiles through her tears. "I already did Steven, because..." her breath hitches as she scurries off his bed and towards the door of his room. She covers her mouth with her hands to strangle her sobs before he can hear them. She can't let him do this to her again. She's done crying over him. DONE.
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"Shit" Hyde leaps up and runs after her. "Jackie!"
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Just as she reaches the bottom of the basement stairs, she feels two hands grab her by the shoulders and roughly turn her around.
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Frozen with fear, hot tears streaming down her face, her eyes dart up to the mistletoe for a split second then back to his eyes as she slowly shakes her head 'no' without any conviction.
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They stare at each other for a flash before Hyde crashes his mouth into hers, capturing her lips with his own, slowly caressing her tongue, fists running through her hair as he pulls her towards him.
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At first Jackie stands rigid, hoping she has the strength to resist his assault, but her body betrays her as she soon finds herself giving as good as she gets, gliding her hands down his back, his arms, his face.
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"Jackie" Hyde moans softly in her ear as he nips at her earlobe before hungrily making the journey down the side of her neck all the way to her collar bone.
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"God" she whispers, as her senses flood and her brain clouds over, blocking all common sense from view. "Steven..." she pants as he find his favorite spot behind her ear.
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Then, just as quickly as it started, it ends, as Jackie roughly pushes him off of her and bolts up the staircase to the safety of Kitty and her warm kitchen.
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A/N - I had planned to end the story-with a happy ending-in this chapter, but it seems like a lot of you would like to see things go further, so I'm going to give it a shot! It won't be as long as my other stories, but I'll try to give it a nice length. Please let me know what you think of this chapter in the reviews section. Newbies and anons always welcome!