Get ready for some angst!
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CHAPTER 8
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As Jackie watches Hyde gently caress her wrist, she can't help but feel guilty about the prank she just pulled. Logically, she should be enjoying his distress since he caused so much of hers in the past, but try as she might to argue in favor of callousness, she just can't bring herself to disregard his hurt feelings. She laughs inwardly at her dilemma. She's got to be the only person who is ashamed they aren't less empathetic, but it's who she is.
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One thing she learned over the past year is that while habits can be broken, personality traits are unchangeable - though you can work around them if you pay attention. Just like a cactus, if you run your finger in the right direction it won't hurt much, but if you try to go against the grain you're going to get pricked badly.
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As Jackie's chest painfully constricts, she realizes that she's been subconsciously holding her breath for the past minute. The look of intensity on Steven's face, his earnestness and sad eyes are fascinating to her, as she's only seen this side of him once before and it was years ago. The scene in front of her is so intimate she almost feels like she's intruding on her own life and breathing out now would only disrupt it, though she finally has no choice and exhales.
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"Steven..." Jackie starts, unsure of how he'll respond. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you or toy with you...well, I did, but I'm sorry about it now. I guess I went to far. Shocking, I know." she says, trying to bring some levity into the room.
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"You didn't embarrass me," he says, now rubbing small circles on her wrist with his thumb. "And you don't owe me an apology, but just so we're clear, I wasn't messing with you. I gave you that shirt and the album because I was hoping...I don't know," he says, finally dropping her arm.
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Jackie's wrist feels suddenly heavier without his affection. "Hoping for what?" Jackie prods.
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Hyde leans against the couch and readjusts his glasses. She can feel him start to shut down.
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"No—wait. Don't do that. You always do that," she frowns.
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"Do what?" he asks.
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Jackie gestures from his head to his toes.
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"You're going to have to be more specific" he claims.
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"No. You know exactly what you're doing. You're uncomfortable with how this conversation is going, so you're removing yourself from it," she accuses him.
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"I'm standing right here, Jackie," he says, as zen as ever.
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"You are, but you're not!" she says, becoming frustrated. "You know what? I'm not sorry about messing with you before. You deserve it!" she snaps, turning to walk up the basement stairs back to the meal.
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Just as she takes her first step, she feels a firm hand grabbing her wrist again, holding her back.
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"What do you want, Steven? You brought me down here to yell at me and now you won't even let me storm off in peace - and for what? If you're not going to actually going to communicate, I'd like to get back to my lunch before it starts growing icicles." she huffs.
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"Jackie, don't leave. Come on. Let's...can we knock out some more of those questions?" he asks nonchalantly, trying to open up in the safest way he knows how, by hiding behind something else.
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Hyde can feel Jackie relent as the tension in her arm grows slack. He releases her wrist and she takes a seat in his chair.
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"Let's get this over with" she says somewhat coldly, curious to see where this is headed.
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Hyde moves around the couch and takes a seat on the arm closest to her. He brings his hand to his head and fumbles a bit trying to remember what he wanted to ask.
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"Um...Question #4 – Did you ever cheat on me when we were together?" he asks.
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Jackie rolls her eyes. "For a cheater, you certainly are overly concerned with people cheating on you".
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His eyebrow rises suspiciously like an antennae. "You didn't answer the question".
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Jackie exhales, exasperated by his constant distrust of her. "The answer hasn't changed since you asked me this the last time. The answer is no. I'm true to my boyfriends, even if they aren't always true to me," she responds, trying to glaze over her hurt so she'll appear strong.
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Forging ahead, Hyde goes right into the next question. "Question #5- did you consider it? I know you didn't do anything with Kelso in Chicago, but did you want to?"
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"No! Jesus. Who knew you were so insecure, Steven?" she jabs, hitting him where it hurts. "If you must know, I couldn't even imagine letting another guy touch me like that when we were together. I'm just not built that way, so I guess that's where you and I differ," she mutters, starting to get irked by his relentless paranoia.
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"Staying with Chicago. Question #6- Do you ever regret giving up your job in Chicago?" he asks.
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Jackie looks him squarely in the eye. "Honestly? Every fucking day. If you had come back from Vegas alone -even if we still didn't work out- my answer would be different. I gave up my dream job to sweep hair in a salon just so I could sit around and wait for you to remember that you loved me-which never happened. Instead you threw your stripper wife in my face and called me a whore, like I was the one taking my clothes off for money or banging a different skank every weekend" she rants. "How could I possibly not regret making a decision that epically stupid?"
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Hyde winces at the memory of his treatment of her and his lifestyle both before and after Sam left. It's so foreign to him now, that he can't even believe it was actually he who was doing it. About three months after Jackie left, when he realized she really wasn't coming back, he did a little self-assessment. Once Jackie was gone, his over-the-top behavior felt hollow. He finally understood then that he wasn't doing it because he was having fun (as he had claimed), he was doing it to get to her—and now that she was no longer there to torment, all that was left after a bender was a hangover and the strong aftertaste of self-loathing and shame.
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He takes his sunglasses off and hooks them on his shirt and pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers. Between the six pack he drank earlier and the conversation he's having now, a migraine is brewing and it feels like somebody is shoving an icepick right behind his eyes.
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"Look, I'm a big girl. I know it was my decision to give up on my dreams, but I did it for us. I'm aware it's not fair to resent you for something I chose to do myself, but I can't help it. Mostly though, I resent you for giving up on yourself. You were on your way to being something and you just threw in the towel—though I suppose I'm the one who drove you to it" she says quietly shaking her head.
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"Jackie..." he croaks hoarsely, unable to formulate the right words.
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"What's your next question Steven?" she asks numbly.
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Hyde can barely breathe under the weight of his guilt. If somebody physically ripped his heart from his chest right now, it would probably hurt less than it does at this moment. How can she not blame him for her bad choices but still blame herself for all of his? He must have done such a number on her self-confidence if she actually believes this shit.
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He can see clearly now that he ruined many of the things he loved so much about Jackie, like her optimism and her drive. He ran down her pride and abused her devotion to him. Sure, he's a bitter, lazy burn-out, with little respect for rules or humanity, but he never considered himself cruel until today. If he doesn't even have that going for him, the simple absence of a bad trait, is there anything worthwhile about his life?
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And he was cruel. He knew he was doing it while it was happening, yet he couldn't stop himself. He drank heavily to keep the swelling tide of anger, want, lust and guilt at bay. None of it worked, because nothing made him feel better after he lost her, and punishing her for still holding his heart only injured him further. He figured he was going to find a way to be zen even if it killed him, and it almost did.
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"Why did you even like me?" he wonders with the smallest voice Jackie's ever heard. "Consider that #7".
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Jackie feels all of the breath leave her body. In front of her stands a strapping man, but deep within him lives a wounded little boy who still calls all the shots. Why can't he see what she saw in him? She wonders if this was their main problem all along.
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Always a sucker for a broken man, her face softens. "I didn't like you Steven, I loved you. For some reason, as imperfect as you are, I loved you anyway" she explains plainly. "And I know I'm no picnic either, but you loved me despite all of that too. It's not like we had a choice. Some people are just like magnets that crash into one another, I guess."
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She can see his eyes start to narrow as he takes in what she's saying. "You're too hard on yourself, doll, and you had way more to overlook than I did".
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"You know, when you forget to be an asshole, you really can be the sweetest man" she says with a sad smile. "Like when you brought me to prom because I was sad about not having a date - and you didn't even like me very much at the time."
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"You know that's not true" he says. "I always kind of liked you. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't."
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"Well, you went to jail for me and almost got kicked out of the Formans' house because of it, and you had nothing to gain there," she says. "Oh, and you also spent the day with me to cheer me up when I caught Michael cheating," she reminds him.
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"You really think I did all of that for no reason?" he asks.
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Jackie gives him a doubting look. "Steven, I basically threw myself at you and you wrote a nasty haiku telling me to 'die away from' you! You couldn't have been doing all of it just to get into my pants, because I offered you what was in there and you said no thanks. You have to face it, you're just a nice guy deep down...way, way, WAY deep down, but it's there," she insists.
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Hyde scoots closer to Jackie and looks her in the eye. "Just because I said no, doesn't mean that wasn't on the agenda," he informs her, pointing to his head. "I was just a kid and I was scared, okay?
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"I'll never understand why you hide away the very best parts of you. If you'd only show people the side of you that you've showed me, how could everybody not love you just as much as I did?" she asks rhetorically. "You can be such a bastard, but you can also be brave and loyal and just...God I wish you could get over what your parents did to you. Just because Edna was dumb enough to leave you doesn't mean she was right to. I mean, think about it- she's a drunk, slutty grifter who abandoned her own kid. Why the hell should you value her opinion about anything? She's lower than pond scum," Jackie reasons.
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"What are you a shrink now?" he jokes.
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"No Steven. I'm just an incredibly intuitive woman who knows you better than you know yourself" she says decisively. "So you'd be smart to take notes".
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"I always cared what you thought about me" he offers, "Believe me, this isn't easy for me to ask out loud, but I need to hear it from you, because I know you'll tell me the truth."
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"My opinion of you is complicated" Jackie rubs her forehead with one of her hands then clucks her tongue. "Oh, you're going to give me wrinkles and I'll never forgive you for it."
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"Stop stalling," he frowns. "Consider this one #8".
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"Okay, here goes-but just remember that you don't hit girls" she sighs. "You see everything in black and white, when life is mostly grey. You're never going to be happy until you get over that and learn to forgive people, because nobody's perfect and you're just setting yourself up for a big letdown. When we were together, and even before, you helped me grow up and taught me a lot about myself—stuff I didn't even realize was there, and I'll forever be grateful, but I don't like who I am when I'm around you anymore. You made me feel bad about myself, even when things were good between us you liked to keep me on edge and I just...I deserve better," she informs him. "I just can't be your punching bag anymore," she says. "But I think I can try to be your friend again".
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"I'd like that. Jackie, I would give anything to take back the way I treated you. I know you probably don't believe me" he sighs.
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"I believe you" she says simply. "I can tell you've changed. The old Steven wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place and he sure as hell wouldn't be asking me to tell him what I thought about him" she laughs at the notion.
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"I'm pretty sure you always had more faith in me than I did" he says, trying to stay in control of his feelings.
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"I still have faith" she smiles.
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He nods his thanks.
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Growing up Hyde, heard nothing but insults, so it's hard for him to believe nice things said to him when he doesn't even believe them about himself. If somebody said something complimentary to him, he always suspected they were after something from him.
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But not Jackie. She wants nothing from him, she's made that much clear. He treated her like dirt for so long, yet here she is saying such nice things about him, sad that he can't recognize them for himself. He wonders if she's just seeing what she wants to see or if he's just really been that blind. It could be true though, right? Maybe?
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Tears begin to sting his eyes, but he blinks them back and they never surface. He wishes for a moment he could be less stoic, like Forman, and just bawl his fucking eyes out unembarrassed, but he's not Forman. He's doesn't feel like Hyde now either, though. He isn't really sure who the hell he is anymore. His house of cards has never felt less stable.
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Sensing his inner turmoil, Jackie decides he's had enough for now. "I'm hungry" she announces. "Would you mind if we took a break from this to eat? They're probably wondering what happened to us" she says, standing up.
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Hyde nods wordlessly and guides her towards the to staircase, lightly brushing the small of her back with his hand for support. As they reach the bottom of the staircase, they're both suddenly very aware that this is the spot of their last encounter.
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They both instinctively look up at the mistletoe and then back at each other. Hyde leans forward and gently places a soft, chaste kiss on Jackie's lips.
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"Merry Christmas, Jackie" he says before following her up the stairs.
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As Jackie and Hyde walk up the stairs, they come upon Eric and Donna, engaged in an intimate moment.
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Donna is leaning against the wall with Eric pinned over her, whispering something in her ear that makes her giggle seductively as he runs his fingers lightly up and down her arm.
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Both Jackie and Hyde look longingly at the pair. They were once like that. Why didn't they appreciate how easy life was then?
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Jackie coughs loudly to draw attention to herself.
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Donna's eyes widen with surprise. "There you are!" she screams. "We were looking all over for you dillholes!"
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Jackie smirks. "You totally were not. We were in the basement and that's the first place you'd look," she says, calling her friend out on her BS.
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Donna smiles guiltily. "Ya got me. We meant to, but we were...um...sidetracked," she says as she gently hip checks her boyfriend.
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Jackie groans with disgust.
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"So, ah, what kept you two down there so long," Eric wonders. "You weren't..."
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"No!" Jackie squeals. "It's Christmas, Eric, we're not animals. And there's nothing like that between us anymore, we're just friends," she asserts, much to Hyde's subtle dismay.
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Eric and Donna nod with obvious fake disbelief.
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"Right. Because you guys are so great at being friends. Seriously, you have two modes I like to refer to as the 'crash and burn' and the 'drunken rabbit'. I think you get the gist of what they mean. So which one is it?" he demands to know, blocking their escape route.
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"Honestly, it's neither of those" she insists.
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Eric turns his eyes towards Hyde, who just holds up his hands in surrender. "What she said" he says. "If we were doing it, she'd look a lot more satisfied than that and if we fighting, I'd probably be missing a tooth and be limping by now" he rationalizes.
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Satisfied with their answers, Eric lets them pass. "Good to hear it. Mainly because we ran out of bleach this morning and we're snowed in. Unfortunately, both modes would probably require bleach" he decides then looks at his friends. "Oh yeah, and burn. Actually, that's a chemical burn" he says enthusiastically, impressed by his own theme burn.
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Donna giggles then pretends to be offended by his comment for Jackie's sake.
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"Oh give it up, lumberjack!" Jackie scowls.
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"We're only out of bleach Forman, because Donna asked me to help her disinfect her bedroom last night after you left," Hyde says with characteristic panache.
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"Oh you are on fire, Eric. Buuuurn!" Jackie says as she skips towards the dining room, leaving a very satisfied Hyde in her wake, watching her ass move commando in those tight jeans.
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Hyde takes a deep breath and follows her in.
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Donna turns to Eric. "Hyde is soooooo fucked" she assesses.
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"Yep" Eric agrees and he picks up where he left off with Donna.
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A/N - How'd I do? Please review!