We're back to a T rating here, so it's safe to uncover your eyes now!
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Thanks again to all of you who are following and commenting on this. You are the BEST! Now get ready for a long angsty chapter...
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CHAPTER 11
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Clad only in Hyde's flannel robe and holding all of the clothes she wore less than an hour ago, Jackie frantically rushes up the stairs to the bathroom only to find the handle immobile as she bears all of her weight down on it. Of course it's locked. Jackie curses her bad luck.
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"Shit!" Jackie whispers-screams to herself as she looks around the hallway for a safe place to hide until the current occupant of the bathroom leaves.
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The handle jiggles suddenly and the door swings open, sending Jackie to feebly duck down ostrich-style into her pile of clothes.
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"Jackie?" Brooke asks with concern as she observes the shaken brunette cowering in the hallway.
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Jackie peeks up at the sound of her voice and immediately relaxes. "Oh thank God" she pants as she pushes the auburn-haired beauty back into the bathroom with her.
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Jackie unceremoniously dumps all of her stuff in the middle of the bathroom floor and starts pacing wildly back and forth.
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Brooke backs up against the wall to stay out of Jackie's way while she looks on in fear. "Um...are you okay, hun?"
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Jackie stops pacing and looks at her. "No" she says quickly as she throws herself into Brooke's unsuspecting arms.
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Brooke eases into the embrace quickly and begins to stroke her younger friend's back, hoping this calming technique will work on her as well as it does on her toddler.
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"So, uh, Michael was actually telling the truth this time about you and Hyde, huh?" she asks. "I thought he was crazy earlier when he mumbled something about a 'drunken rabbit' and then shoved a sweaty $20 bill he claimed he won from Fez into my hand" she muses.
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A look of horror overtakes the petite brunette's face. "Oh please tell me you're joking. They bet on whether or not I was going to get laid?" she buries her face back into Brooke's chest and weeps.
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"Not exactly" she answers timidly. "Some of them were betting that you'd kill him instead. I believe they called it the 'crash and burn'".
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Jackie is livid. "Eric Forman is a dead man" she says with menace.
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Brooke places her hands on Jackie's shoulders to calm her down. "Why don't you tell me why you're wandering around in flannel?"
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Jackie looks down and fingers the material. "Ugh. I ran up here so quickly I didn't even notice" she shudders. "Okay fine. I kind of went into 'drunken rabbit' mode with Steven earlier" she says looking down.
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"Oh boy" Brooke exhales. "You've come too far to go back now, Jackie" she warns.
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"I know that!" she snaps. "Don't you think I know that? I just...he was playing a song on the guitar and he told me that he loved me."
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Brooke looks confused. "We're still talking about Steven Hyde here?"
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"I know! So you can see why I might have had a little slip?" she asks, hoping for some kind of absolution.
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"This is not a little slip. You're running through a packed house on Christmas, fully naked under a man's robe and carrying around your dress, bra and shoes. Now, normally I'd say 'good job' on getting some action, but you're not at your house, you're at the Formans'! You must've wanted a piece of that dirty hippie really badly if you were willing to risk getting caught by Red in your all-together" she says while gesturing to her friend's naked body.
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Jackie slides down the wall to sit on the floor and Brooke slides down to meet her.
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"What am I going to do?" she asks miserably.
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"Well, was this a fling for old time's sake or was this something else?" she challenges her friend to answer.
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"A fling. Or maybe...I don't know." Jackie says, hanging her head dejectedly. "I kind of only know what I don't want right now" she offers.
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"Hey, that's a start!" she smiles weakly, trying to sound positive, while pulling an elastic off her wrist to smooth the pixie's hair into a pony tail for her.
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"You're a really good friend, Brooke. I don't know what I would have done without you and Michael this year," she says truthfully.
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"Well, I'm just glad he doesn't have to keep it a secret anymore. You know how horrible he is at that. I had to threaten to cut him off if he said anything to the gang" she laughs. "Withholding sex feels strangely like I'm punishing myself".
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"Even when it's with Michael?" she asks. "Kidding?" Jackie giggles. "Well I withheld sex all year and I didn't even have a man".
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"So is Hyde still walking after being on the receiving end of the break in your year long dry spell?" Brooke tries to keep a straight face.
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"I might have broken his guitar" she sighs.
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Both ladies laugh hysterically.
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"Brooke's eyes widen. "Was it that good?"
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Jackie looks at her and says frankly "My palms are still sweating".
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Wondering where Jackie went off to for so long, Hyde peeks out of his door and finds Fez sitting on the couch alone, angrily sucking on a candy cane.
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"Hey man" Hyde nods as he cranes his neck to check out the staircase for signs of his ex.
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"She hasn't come back down," he informs his afro'd friend without looking up at him.
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"Who are you talking about?" Hyde asks, playing dumb.
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Fez shoots him a withering stare.
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"Right. So, I take it you were hiding in the shower then." Hyde confirms as he plops down next to Hyde on the couch, wearing only a t-shirt and boxers.
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"Sounded like you two had quite the afternoon delight" he comments, with a slight edge to his voice.
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"Yeah, I mean, it was always good with us, but this was" He makes an explosion noise with dual-hand gesturing. "A-bomb".
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"Great. So now that you got what you wanted, do you think you can leave her alone, Hyde?" Fez asks, finally looking at him.
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"What do you mean 'got what I wanted'? You think I was just using her?" he asks angrily.
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"Well, considering you've had about a million shots with that goddess and you've squandered every one, a man can only assume yes." he says matter-of-factly.
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"Look Fez, I'm not using her, okay? I want to be with her" he explains.
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Fez looks at him condescendingly. "By be with her you mean...?"
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"I don't know man, just, be with her. I want her to be my girl again." he affirms, starting to squirm under this line of questioning.
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He continues his interrogation. "And then?"
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"What are you, her fucking dad?" Hyde bristles.
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"No, Jackie's dad is in prison, remember? She hasn't had anybody looking out for her in a long time, but that's over now. I'm going to make up for neglecting her, and I'm not going to allow you or any other guy to treat her badly ever again" he threatens, using stallion face for added fierceness.
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"Yeah?" he asks, puffing out his chest. "What are you going to do about it?"
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Fez steels his gaze and doesn't back down. "I won't have to do anything Hyde, because you are going to screw it up all by yourself. You always do. I might just push the process along a bit" He says, waving his hand for effect.
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Hyde relents. "I don't want to hurt her. I still...you know, love her, okay?" he admits softly.
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"I'm not saying you don't love her Hyde, I'm only saying you wouldn't know it from where I'm standing. If you're really in love, then act like it and make her feel like the princess she is. She deserves it." Fez stands up and walks towards the door to go to Donna's house.
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Hyde runs his hands over his face and thinks carefully about what was said during his Cosa Nostra-like encounter with his foreign friend. If Fez had the cojones to say something like this to him a year ago, he would've been picking his teeth up off the floor. Today though, he's actually kind of proud of the little guy. And grateful. Fez is right, Jackie has been fending for herself for too long and could use somebody watching her back, even if she'd probably scoff at the help.
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He knows better than anyone that despite Jackie's size, she's sitting on a set of balls the size of Texas, but part of him wishes she were still that idealistic teenager who used to listen to Donnie and Marie and liked to doodle hearts over the 'i's in her name. He doesn't want this kind of life for her, the kind where people feel they need to look out for her. He wants her life to be easier and less like his own. It's one of the reasons he worried about dating her in the first place. He'd never known anybody who had such a pure heart and as much enthusiasm for life as she did. She had an innocence that was too rare to be believed.
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Thinking back to when they first met, he could actually kick himself for finding something suspicious in that, but he was suspicious about everything back then. He thought she had perfection handed to her and that she acted that way because she didn't understand what real life was about. He just didn't realize then that she understood it all too well. but had the guts to thumb her nose it it anyway. Everything she is was created through her sheer will despite of, not because of her crappy upbringing. He should have been taking notes instead of throwing stones.
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Jackie jogs down the basement steps, stopping at the bottom when she catches a glimpse of him. As if on cue, her heart constricts as his eyes fall upon her.
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"Hey" he brightens. "I wasn't sure if you were coming back" he says half-seriously.
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"Well, we are snowed in, which makes the traditional middle of the night bolt after a one-nighter a challenge" she jokes as she hands him his folded robe.
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Hyde's face falls. "This was a one-night-stand?"
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Jackie looks uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say. "I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to doing it again" she teases, trying to distract him with humor.
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He turns his face from her as it goes ashen. This meant nothing to her. Of course it didn't. It was just a fuck for her, nothing more. Funny how it's hard to realize when feelings are one-sided when you're on the wrong side. He felt like a Grade-A idiot.
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She notices his body stiffen. "I'm sorry, Steven. Did I say the wrong thing?" she asks as she plants herself next to him on the couch and tries to get him to look at her.
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"Nah, it's cool." He regains his zen and turns to face her. "I still have a few more questions for you."
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Jackie nods, worried she's hurt him and mainly petrified she's opening herself up to him hurting her back even worse. He always did like to kill a fly with a hammer.
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"Question #11 – Do you think I robbed you of your innocence?" he asks in all seriousness.
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A pair of mismatched eyes are taken aback. "That's an unusual question!" she remarks, furrowing her brow. Why on Earth would he be asking her this? Jackie's eyes softens and she tilts her head to get a better look at him. "Is that honestly what you think?" she asks, wondering where he could've gotten such a crazy idea into his head.
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Hyde shrugs.
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She reaches out and grabs his hand. "Baby, my innocence was gone long before you and I ever hooked up. You forget that you're not the only one whose parents abandoned them. The only difference is that mine left while they were still physically in the house. I know you and Michael used to make fun of me for having so many stuffed animals around, but they really brought me comfort when my parents didn't. They were the only things that were constantly there. If you remember, I didn't have them around so much when we got together because I didn't need them anymore. You made me feel safe." she explains.
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His lips slightly curl as a wave of relief hits him. She has no idea how long he's been carrying that idea around, punishing himself for it whenever he remembered to.
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"Question #12- What was the worst day of your life?" he asks, borrowing from Forman.
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She takes a deep breath. "Easy. The day my dad went to prison. It was like my childhood ended right then. I went to bed a kid and woke up an adult. A suddenly broke adult who was living alone in a decaying house without help or support or anybody to take care of me when I was feeling sick. And I went from no responsibility at all to juggling school, a job, and everything else. Looking back I realize how much harder I made it on myself. I just didn't want to let it beat me, you know? I was too proud to admit when I needed help and I was so embarrassed. I knew everybody was talking about me and laughing at me, and I wanted to show all of them! It didn't feel fair to me that I should have to sacrifice one A or one cheerleading practice because of my parent's mistakes. I thought if I let one tiny thing slip I might completely fall apart at the seams. I know I was pretty high strung back then."
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"Funny how you cared so much about what other people thought about you when I had the same thing happen to me, but I forced myself to stop caring at all" Hyde says thoughtfully. "I just sort of gave up on people. You're a fighter." he smiles proudly, remembering how powerless he always was when faced with her tenaciousness.
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"I've learned to lower my expectations though. For my own sanity" she says, laughing to lighten the sting. "I'm sick of fighting against the tide. I'm tired." she confides.
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"Stealing Donna's question - #13 What was the best day of your life?" he asks.
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"You're going to think it's so stupid," she admits, "but it was the same day but later on – when you shaved your beard off."
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He laughs. "You really hated the beard that much, eh?"
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"No, I actually kind of liked the beard, the way it looked on you at least," she grins. "It was my best day because it was the day I realized that you actually loved me too. I was feeling so alone, and when you did that to cheer me up, I knew I wasn't on my own anymore and it meant the world to me. More than you know, though I'm pretty sure you got the idea later that night."
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Hyde feels a warmth throughout his body that he can only attribute to the sense memory of making Jackie feel happy. Sure, he was embarrassed when she made such a big deal about it in front of Donna and Forman, but he was secretly pleased to know she got his true message. He didn't have money, he was bad with words, but he could give her that and she actually knew what it was supposed to mean. Making her smile that night was well worth the price of that razor.
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"Question #14 - Did you really not feel something on Veterans Day?" he wonders.
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"You wasted a question on that?" she guffaws. "I thought maybe that whole date was one big burn, and I would have had to move to another state if I said I felt something if you didn't. So I lied, of course."
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"I lied too." he grins.
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"Obviously. You had trouble speaking after that kiss" she brags.
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He rolls his eyes. "Question #15 – Why did you stay in Point Place after I came back married?" he treads lightly.
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Jackie thinks hard for a moment to figure out how she wants to phrase things. "I knew you were hurt and that you were trying to punish me - but I believed in true love. I thought if two people really loved each other they'd always find their way back to one another, and we couldn't exactly do that with me in Chicago." She sighs at her naivete. "I know better now obviously" she says quietly.
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Every time he thinks she can't make him feel worse, she does. Great, she doesn't believe in true love anymore because of him. Well fuck her. He's going to show her that true love exists and that the two of them have it and that they're going to find their way back to one another, even if he has to hire a tracker.
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"Sorry to hear you're so disillusioned. For the record, I happen to still believe in true love," he asserts.
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"Still?" she almost chokes on her laughter. "When exactly did you start? You used to say that there was no such thing as soul mates because souls don't really exist, and that if anything, people are 'biology mates' because of pheromones or whatever other crap you were spouting at the time. Romantic, right? You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet" she snorts.
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Hyde chortles heartily at the memory of his endless stint as a major killjoy. "I can't believe you remembered all of that! I think I was high when I said it."
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"It scarred me! You actually drove me to steal Donna's M-P issue of Encyclopedia Britannica to research pheromones," she slaps his arm jokingly.
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"I'm sorry doll, I really am!" He chuckles as he leans over and grabs her in a playful bear hug then kisses the top of her head.
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She looks up at him warily and pulls back.
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"Question #16 – if you believed in true love so much, why didn't you try to convince me to leave Sam?" he asks, failing to mask the bitter edge to his voice.
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Jackie's mouth falls open in offense and all of the air escapes her lungs. "Is that why you stayed with her? You weren't just punishing me, were you? You were trying to goad me into fighting for you? If you wanted me to fight for you, why didn't you just tell me that's what you wanted? Did you think slowly torturing me was going to communicate that message to me clearly?"
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"That's something I shouldn't have had to tell you!" he argues back.
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"You had a wife! You married a person who was not me and you wanted ME to fight for you? Why on Earth would I put myself out there like that when you chose another woman over me? How much stroking does your ego need exactly, Steven?" she huffs, leaping to her feet with indignation.
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"What's that supposed to mean? I'm the one with the ego? Interesting." he responds with umbrage.
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"You tore my heart out and shredded it in front of me and everybody we know, all because you wanted me back but you were too proud to admit you'd screwed up - and then got angry I couldn't read your mind?" She shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the many horrible things on the tip of her tongue. "You do realize that none of what you did was about us, right? It was all about you and your wounded pride. You wanted me to come crawling back – not because you actually wanted to be with me – just because you needed to feel better about what you did." she complains.
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"That's not true," he insists weakly, not sure if she's right about him. "Not entirely, at least. I did want to be with you. I do."
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"If I really thought you had wanted me at all, I would have crawled across broken glass for the chance to put us back together and you know it. You always did care more about your pride than you cared about me," she charges. "You actually think you stopped caring what people thought about you when your mom left? It's all you cared about, Steven."
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His head feels as though it might pop off at any moment. Could she be right? Hyde buries his head in his hands and tries to stop the flood waters from rising.
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"Maybe you're right that I cared about what people thought, but you were always more important than that, you know?" he tells her. "I'm not a children's book, Im more like Kafka. Sometimes you have to read between the lines with me. It sucks, I know."
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feeling empathetic, she returns to her place on the couch and leans against him.
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"I asked you to tell me if you wanted to spend your life with me, and instead of saying 'hell yes' like it was a no-brainer, you got wasted and strung me along while you mulled it over. I think that was the ending of Cinderella, if I'm not mistaken," she cracks. "The thing is, I shouldn't have even had to ask you. It should have been obvious to me that you loved me and it wasn't." she says sadly.
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"I'm so sorry." he murmurs with remorse then turns to face her. "For what it's worth, I wasn't sure I could make you happy. It was never the other way around".
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"God, you're a bigger idiot than Michael sometimes. Even with all of our problems, being with you was the happiest I've ever been," she frowns as she slides her hand into his, interlacing their fingers.
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"Me too." he nods in agreement.
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"That doesn't mean it was easy though" she says ruefully. "And it sure as hell wasn't perfect. Maybe that's why you let me go?" she sighs, wondering why they couldn't have hd this conversation 18 months ago.
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Like a thunderbolt, Hyde suddenly becomes charged with purpose. He turns to his ex with wild eyes and makes an impassioned plea. "Jackie, don't go to Chicago." he orders her, almost as if she has no choice in the matter.
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"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" she titters nervously.
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"I mean in the Fall. Don't go," he begs her, grabbing both of her hands in his.
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"Steven, I have to, that's where my college is." she explains, worried about how he'll react to the rejecting when he's finally put himself on the line.
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"You asked me once to tell you if I thought we had a future together and you said you'd stay here if I said we did. Well I'm saying we do. I want a future with you, because I've seen what my future is like without you and I can't do that again." he confesses, unburdening himself.
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She pulls her hands from his and tries to stand. "No no no don't do this! You can't do this to me again. That offer is no longer on the table." she says, getting angry. "Don't you get it? I gave up everything I worked so hard for once for you, and it got me nowhere. College is a sure thing. I have worked hard and they want me!"
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"I want you!" he brays like a wounded animal, grappiling for her hand.
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Jackie rubs her forehead with her free hand and tries to slow her breathing down. Her body is shaking now and she can barely filter her words before they leave her mouth. "I know you think you do, but you know us. I'll do something stupid and you'll overreact and then I'll be back to sweeping floors at Fez's salon while you're off banging strangers behind the Hub."
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"I won't" he insists with conviction, willing her to understand his level of certainty.
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His words rip through her like a storm, but she holds strong to what she knows, what she's preordained is right for her. "You can't promise that. You have a bad track record and I can't put all my eggs in your flimsy basket, okay?" she tells him, clinging to common sense like the roots an old oak anchors itself to the earth.
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"Jackie, I want my old life back. I know we can be happy again. I want us to be what we once were." he pleads.
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"Well, I don't." she breathes, dropping a near silent bomb.
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Hyde feels like he's been sucker punched. He sinks back into the couch in a stupor.
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Jackie crouches down next to him. "I'm a different person now, Steven. I don't want what we once had" she explains, laying it all out for him. "Everything was always on your terms and you held the threat of leaving me over my head if I pushed you at all to give me what I was entitled to. I spent two years begging for scraps of love and commitment from you, and you spent two years with one foot out the door. I can't go back to that. I deserve better," she declares.
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"I know you do, and I want to give it to you" he vows, rubbing circles on her wrist with the pad of his thumb. "You have no idea how much I regret the way I treated you," he says candidly, searching with his crystal eyes for signs of hope. "I was just a dumb kid, Jackie. I know better now."
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"It doesn't matter anymore." she retorts sullenly, unable to meet his gaze.
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"Of course it still matters! Don't go. Just please stay and let me prove to you how much I want this," he appeals, his voice catching at the end.
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"Sorry Puddin' Pop, but I choose me" she says as she places one last perfect kiss on his lips before running out of the basement.
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A/N - ANGST! Hopefully I haven't tied you up in knots with this one. Don't worry Zennies, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise! I think you're really going to like how I get Hyde back on her good side. Please let me know if you liked this chapter by leaving a review. Anons are welcome : )