A/N Omg! Hi everyone! Ok this is going to be a rather long a/n because my absence was so long. First of all, I am sooo sorry. I never wanted to disappear for so long, but my laptop broke and it has been in the shop repairing but now it's back with me! Yay! I have missed you guys and writing so, so, so much I can't even describe it. And I felt so bad reading so many reviews and messages asking me where I am and why I haven't updated, I felt like I abandoned all of you. But I could never do that, and I have so many updates AND new projects coming your way! I hope I am able to keep all of my readers/friends this summer and gain some new readers/friends as well! I just got back from summer camp which was amazing, so while I let my sunburn do its thing, I figured I'd update one of my fav stories that I sadly had to put on the back burner for a while. I hope everyone is having an amazing summer. Also, thanks so much for helping me reach my secret goal: I was hoping for 100 favorite author alerts by this summer and already I am up to 117 and that's amazing to me! I love you guys so much and I hope you are all as excited about my new updates and new stories as I am. Thanks so much for all the reviews and reading all of my stuff even while I was gone. Enjoy the new chapter of Trapped!
That night, Kendall lay awake in his bed, thinking about his earlier talk with James in the cabana and how distant his best friend seemed. Things were going too far and getting way out of hand. Not only did he know for a fact that James was hiding something, he couldn't shake the feeling that Carlos was hiding a secret as well. The two boys had stayed separated as if they wanted nothing to do with each other all day, and at dinner that evening, Carlos kept glancing up at James with this somewhat scared and innocent, questioning look in his deep brown eyes. But James would only give him a warning glare and Carlos would quickly avert his gaze to the untouched mashed potatoes and chicken on his plate. Kendall studied these little exchanges all throughout the entire day, and he knew Logan was too, but neither of them knew what do to about it. Logan had said before bedtime that he tried to talk to Carlos, but the youngest boy, who was usually like an open book, ignored Logan and pretended everything was ok though clearly it wasn't. No matter what, those boys just wouldn't talk to them and it frustrated Kendall. It made him feel like he was a crappy older brother, like he failed his job because he was supposed to be the one person that, even when everyone else failed, they could trust to tell anything too. But now, when something mysterious and possibly really bad was going on, they wouldn't say a word to him.
James was always exhausted and angry lately, and Carlos was withdrawn and almost depressed at times. Their mood swings were hard to handle, especially James'. Sometimes he would be fine, and then one little thing would set him off and he would be unapproachable for the entire day. He barely ate anymore and even Carlos didn't touch his dinner tonight. And when they had gone to the studio that afternoon, James was extremely unfocused and Gustavo ended up just sending the boys home to get some rest with a warning to never come into the studio so unprofessional ever again. Usually the studio was the one place James put his all in, no matter if he was sick or upset or anything. He always used to channel all of his pent up emotions into his singing and dancing and now he acted like he didn't even care anymore… It was like he was a whole new person, and that disturbed Kendall greatly. He wanted his James back. Kendall fell asleep thinking that no matter what, he would get the old James back.
It was after midnight, and once again James was awake. His eyes felt like lead and he was so tired that his stomach felt nauseous. Carlos was asleep in the bed next to his, far away in dreamland and James envied him. He envied his friends energy and his ability to sleep at night like a normal person. He wanted to escape reality for those precious 8 hours a night, but instead he was stuck in a confusing, exhausting nightmare. James had heard of insomnia when he was younger. He remembered thinking how it seemed so impossible. How could anyone just not sleep? The thought was crazy to him when he was a kid. He never thought he would grow up to suffer from insomnia. He thought he was stronger than that. He always envisioned himself as one of those people who could get through anything and be fine, but his body and mind was betraying him.
An uncomfortable, nagging thought formed in the back of James' mind as he lay awake in the dark. Something he thought of the night before but had tried to push far away, because it scared him. He needed that one thing that could help him sleep, that could knock him out for hours so he could get the sweet relief from reality that he needed. He was so tired he wanted to cry from frustration and defeat. He couldn't take it anymore.
Slowly, as to not disturb Carlos, James pushed himself up on his bed and quietly crept out from beneath the covers. His bare toes hit the cold wood floor and he tip-toed across the room and out into the hallway, where he listened for a few moments. When all he could hear was silence, James continued to his quest to the kitchen and turned on a nightlight so he could see what he was doing.
A fluttering feeling in his stomach reminded James that what he was doing was wrong, but his desperation outweighed the guilt. He knew that this would give him the dreamless rest he needed to function, if not for his sake but for the sake of his friends and the band, who didn't deserve to go through everything James was putting them through because of his stupid little problem.
James knew that Mrs. Knight always kept alcohol on the top shelf of the kitchen, because sometimes she would have girl's night with her friends and they would make mixed drinks and margaritas. Even in Minnesota, James was aware of the forbidden top shelf, and he and the boys always respected that it was off limits. They were good boys. But tonight, James broke his surrogate mothers wishes and opened up the cabinet to find a wide array of alcohol. He stood there, staring at the bottles for several moments. He wondered if he was actually doing this, because it felt so wrong, but he pushed the thoughts aside and grabbed a bottle of wine. It felt heavy and slippery in his hands, and even though his heart was pounding, James opened it and started to drink the tangy liquid with hardly a second thought. It didn't exactly taste good. He didn't even bother to check what kind of wine it was, and he couldn't tell if it was red or white in this darkness, not that mattered. He just hoped it was potent enough to knock him out so he could get some sleep.
James pinched his nose to block the taste and gulped it down, because he heard somewhere that drinking fast will get you drunk quicker. Once half the poison was gone, James brought the bottle away from his lips and set it on the counter. So far, he didn't feel any different, and he considered drinking more. But he decided he would give it a moment to kick in and put the half-drank bottle in the cabinet, behind the other bottles. He would drink more later if he had to.
With a sigh, James closed the cabinet and turned off the nightlight. He shuffled his feet to the bathroom, where he stripped off his pajamas and turned the shower faucet to steamy hot. He needed a shower. For some reason, he felt dirty and icky after drinking what Mrs. Knight had trusted him not to touch, and he hoped a shower would help him.
About midway through the shower, though, James began to feel a bit lightheaded. The rushing of the water sounded amplified and the room seemed to spin a little. He was beginning to feel the same way he did a couple of nights ago at the party. He was too buzzed to feel guilty about it, though. The guilt would hit him in the morning. After quickly rinsing his hair of shampoo, he stumbled dangerously out of the shower and grabbed a towel, which he tied sloppily around his waist.
Without even bothering to put on his pajamas, James left the bathroom and dizzily made his way to the living room, where he collapsed on the couch and turned on some late night cartoons to distract himself. He hoped they would distract him long enough so he could fall asleep.
He didn't think that just 30 minutes later, he would be a laughing heap of towels and blankets on the floor. For some reason, looney toons were funnier tonight then he remembered them being. Road Runner had him in stitches, and he snorted and hyperventilated when one of the Acme weights fell on his furry head. He had to stifle his laughter in fear of waking up his friends, so he thought he sounded like a muffled, snorting pig, which only made him laugh even harder.
He stayed sprawled out on the floor like this until he was too sleepy to laugh any longer, and then everything went black.
"Kendall… I think you need to see this."
"Ugh," Kendall groaned, slowly waking from his deep sleep. Sunlight burned through his eyelids. He flipped over onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow, trying to stay asleep.
"Kendall, seriously, wake up…"
He felt his shoulder being roughly shaken and recognized the voice as Logan's.
"What, Logan?" Kendall grumbled.
"It's James… Come on you just gotta see." Logan pulled Kendall out of bed.
"Dude!" Kendall yelled, catching himself on the edge of the bed. He stood up and stretched before giving Logan an angry look. "This better be good."
"Oh it's good alright," Logan mumbled. The shorter boy led Kendall to the living room, where he was greeted by the site of James, who was clearly naked under a tangle of throw blankets and a bath towel, passed out cold on the floor. He snored loudly, his hair sticking straight up and his bangs in his face.
"What the…" Kendall asked, letting his question go because who could actually explain this site besides James himself?
"I tried waking him up but he is out," Logan said, grabbing an extra blanket off the couch and throwing it over James' half-covered body to give him a little modesty.
"At least he's sleeping," Kendall said. He nudged the sleeping boy with his toe, but James didn't even stir. He leaned over and slapped him in the face loudly, which made Logan gasp.
"Kendall, what was that!"
"Hey it woke him up," Kendall said, gesturing to James, who moaned and squirmed for a moment before sitting up with a start like a deer in head lights.
"James, why are you naked and sleeping on the floor?" Logan asked the confused boy. James just stared at him blankly for a moment before looking down at his blankets. He suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed, even though it took him a moment to remember why he was naked. All he remembered was sneaking into Mrs. Knight's alcohol shelf and the rest was a blank, but obviously he couldn't tell them that.
"Um… I um, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took a shower to relax and I guess I fell asleep on the couch," James replied groggily. He tried his best to hide the hangover he knew he had. His head hurt and he had to squint because of the blinding sunlight.
Logan and Kendall didn't know whether they should crack up laughing or be concerned, completely oblivious to the fact that James was drunk.
"Well why don't you go get dressed and lay down for a bit until breakfast is ready?" Logan offered, helping James to his feet. The brunette clutched the blankets around his bare body and took Logan's hand, but as soon as he was on his feet, a wave of nausea rushed over his stomach, and acid crawled up his throat.
"What sounds good for breakfast, bud? You choose. Do you want me to whip up some pancakes?" Logan asked, oblivious to how sick James was feeling.
"I'm-I'm not too hungry," James admitted, clutching his stomach. He felt Logan's eyes studying him as he swayed on his feet and blushed from the attention.
"Are you alright? You look sick," Logan said gently. James ignored Logan and took off for the bathroom. He slammed the door shut and locked it before falling to his knees in front of the toilet. His stomach churned violently and his head pounded, but he knew it wasn't the flu. Once again, he had poisoned his young body with alcohol. With a painful heave, his body rejected the large quantity of wine he had consumed the night before into the toilet. He didn't have much in his stomach to vomit, so most of it was stomach acid and streaks of wine, leaving his throat raw and sore.
"James, are you ok?" Kendall and Logan yelled out, pounding on the door. James curled up on the tiled bathroom floor and covered his ears. Their shouts were so loud and his head felt like it was about to explode.
"Just leave me alone," he whimpered. Tears flooded his eyes as his stomach twisted, forcing him to get on his knees and vomit again.
"Jamie you're sick, let us in, please," Kendall said.
"I said go away!" James roared, a little louder and angrier then he actually intended. He regretted it immediately when he knew he hurt his friend. Kendall stopped knocking and a couple seconds later he could hear feet shuffling away from the door.
"Ugh, damn it!" James said through gritted teeth. His fist collided with the porcelain toilet and pain shot through his hand. He was so stupid. How could he do this to himself and his friends? He was betraying everyone who loved him with these secrets. If they ever found out, they would most likely disown him. His mom would cry and he could never, ever want to make her cry. His friends would hate him. Mrs. Knight would kick him out. But he didn't know what else to do. He was so scared and lost without anybody to tell. It was too much for him to do on his own.
"James, can you please open the door?" Logan asked in a small voice several minutes later. James sniffed and pulled tear-streaked cheek off the cold tile floor.
"Just a sec," James said. He removed the blankets and dressed in his pajamas that were left in a pile on the floor last night, swallowed an aspirin, and opened the door.
"Sorry, Logan," James mumbled. His friend looked so small and concerned, he just wanted to envelope him in a comforting hug.
"What on earth are you sorry for? You're sick, James," Logan said. James' stomach knotted with guilt and more tears pricked his eyes.
"Go lay down I'll be in your room in a minute," Logan instructed him. The brunet silently did as he was told. He walked to his room and hid under the cool covers. Carlos was getting dressed, watching him warily.
"Logie said you were sick," Carlos said when James refused to even acknowledge his presence. James didn't answer, not that Carlos was excepting him to. "You're not sick though, are you?"
James cringed. He knew. Of course Carlos knew. The little guy was insanely perceptive, and even though he was innocent, he wasn't stupid.
"You promised me," Carlos said emotionlessly, as if he didn't even care anymore, because he knew James would do this and he was stupid to ever think James would keep his promise.
The room was silent for a while, and James figured Carlos had left, but suddenly his blanket was pulled away from his head and Carlos was staring at him angrily.
"How could you do this to us, James? How could you do this to yourself? You look us in the eyes and you lie every single day. I'm sick of protecting you all the time! They need to know! They can help you but you just refuse to tell them before you become some psycho alcoholic or something! I-I have to tell Logan."
"No!" James cried. He kicked his blankets away and launched himself on Carlos in a panic, knocking him to the floor easily. "You can't, Carlos!'
"I have to," Carlos said, flipping himself off of his stomach and onto his back, which was really hard with James' weight on him. He wanted to gag when he could smell the alcohol on James' hot breath. Just seconds ago, Carlos was filled with confidence but now he was scared, because James had raised his fist and was glaring at him menacingly.
"Don't tell them, Carlos," James spat. Carlos whimpered. He never heard James sound so scary before, but he knew something needed to be done now.
"I'm sorry, James. I have to!" Carlos said. In a flash of movement, James punched Carlos' in the nose with brute force. Blood shot out onto both the boy's shirts and the floor. Carlos was stunned. Did his big brother just punch him? He couldn't believe it! But his nose screamed with pain and there was a metallic taste on his tongue. It had really happened, no accident about it. James knew what he was doing. He had punched his baby brother.
Carlos burst into tears and ran from the room, ignoring James' apologetic pleas. Logan came rushing into the room and looked at him questioningly. "James, why the hell is Carlos crying!"
James shook his head, tearing up again. He hid his face in his hands and fought back the urge to throw up again. "I don't feel good, Logan…"
"What is it?" Logan asked, running to his side. He put his hand on his shaking shoulders and rubbed gently. "Buddy, what's going on with you?"
"I don't know. I hurt him, Logan," James said. "I'm so sorry…"
Logan sighed. He wanted to rip his hair out. He didn't know what was going on, but this had to stop. "Get in bed, I'll go check on Carlos. I'm sure he's fine."
"No, it's not fine," James cried. He let Logan pull him to his feet and get him tucked into bed.
"Just try to sleep, James. It will be alright. We'll talk about it when you wake up. Right now you're in no condition. You're obviously really sick."
Despite James' actions, Logan still treated him lovingly and tenderly, and he didn't deserve it at all. He felt sick with guilt. Logan had no clue.
"This needs to end now, whatever it is James," Logan said. "It's over, do you understand me?"
James nodded tearfully. He wanted it to be over. He didn't want to be this monster he was becoming.
Logan shut off the lights and left James alone to cry it out. He found Carlos in the bathroom with a wad of reddened tissues to his nose, sitting on the edge of the bathtub.
"Oh, 'Litos…" Logan whispered. "What happened, buddy? Tell me."
"I-I can't tell you," Carlos said. Even though James had betrayed him, he didn't have the heart to betray him back.
"Carlos…" Logan said, sitting next to his friend, who looked guilty and upset.
"James is so sorry, Carlos. Please just tell me."
"No, he's not sorry. He knew exactly what he was doing, Logan. He's not sorry at all." Carlos stood up and threw away the bloody tissues before drying his last ears and walking away, leaving Logan confused and alone.
A/N Yeahhh I meant this chapter to be serious but I feel like most of it came out kind of silly lol. Reviews mean sooo much. I have tons of bromance coming up! And keep an eye out for more updates and new stories coming veryyyy soon!