Disclaimer- Stephenie still owns the usual suspects.
I own my original characters and original story.

*This outtake takes place in the middle of chapter 71 of V&V, 'Ultimatums and Quality Time'. I reworked this probably three times because I wasn't happy with Emmett's POV. Therefore, you will notice that it's now in Edward's POV.

Hope you enjoy it. Be forewarned, it's silly.

**************************************V&V***********************

Outtake: Magnum Farce

Part of me couldn't believe what I was seeing. The other part wasn't the least bit surprised because, after all, this was Emmett Swan that we were dealing with.

The day started in a fairly normal fashion, although I worried from the moment I woke up about what exactly this day had in store for Charlie. I kept my worries to myself.

No need to freak Bella out too.

Clint had remained closed mouth about his plans, so I had no idea what was going on in his head.

That was until mid-day when everything changed with a single phone call.

We were at my parents' house, just hanging out, playing pool, until it was time to meet with Clint and Charlie for dinner and drinks.

My Mom and the girls had already left for Rose's parents' house in order to set up for the bridal shower.

"Emmett, let me get this straight. You actually got Clint Eastwood to agree to prank your Daddy?" Jasper drawled.

"Abso-fucking-lutely Francis." Emmett answered with a smile. He grinned as Jasper grimaced and then held up his hand to stop Jasper from speaking. "Now don't get your panties in a bunch there Francesca. There's only one Clint to go around, I'll find some way to prank you later but I'm afraid this one is all for Pops."

Jasper rolled his eyes while I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. "Emmett, I feel the need to reiterate that I think this is a very bad idea."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Eddie. If you've said it once, you've said it a hundred times. Don't worry about it. You have a shit ton of witnesses here who'll make sure you're not held responsible for what happens tonight."

Immediately after this conversation, Emmett left, informing us that Clint wanted to meet with him alone first. He was grinning from ear to ear, no doubt at the thought of torturing his father yet again.

As soon as he left, I received a call from Charlie telling me to bring Carlisle and Jasper to the Edgewater Hotel.

Weird. That's where we're meeting Clint later.

He went on to explain that our good friend Clint had never intended to grant Emmett's request. Instead, as soon as we parted ways after lunch four days before, Clint had phoned the Forks Police Department, and had a long conversation with the Chief.

It seems that Charlie and his idol hit it off during that phone call, and Charlie ended up sharing the details of a plethora of crazy stunts he'd had to endure at the hands of his son over the years. After that, Clint decided to use this opportunity to turn the tables on the unknowing Emmett.

The four of us were sitting in a suite adjacent to Clint's, watching on closed circuit television as my future brother-in-law supposedly learned his lesson.

The only problem was that no matter what Clint said or did; Emmett took it in his stride.

Emmett and Clint were already in his sitting room, chatting and drinking, when we arrived. Knowing there was only a wall between them and us, we determined to remain as quiet as possible as we observed.

"This is a nice place isn't it?" Clint asked as he gestured to their surroundings.

"Yeah, I guess." Emmett answered.

"I decided to stay here because Edward and I are filming a couple of key scenes in and around this hotel. I wanted to get the feel for it."

"Is this where we're filming my scene?" Emmett asked with a hopeful smile.

"No. Not here." Clint studied Emmett for a moment before continuing. "I called you here early to discuss a couple of things, one of which is your part in the movie." Clint took a deep breath. "The other is this business with your father."

Emmett sat up then; seeming to hang on Clint's every word.

"Here's the thing Emmett." Clint began. "I've had a chance to think about this and, as much as I hate going back on my word, I'm going to have to renege on the deal we made." Clint said remorsefully. "I still would like you to be in the film, but I needed to let you know that I can't go through with the prank."

Emmett looked genuinely disappointed for about a minute before grinning and shrugging it off. "Hey, I gave it my best shot."

I've learned that it's hard to dampen Emmett's spirits

Clint chuckled. "And I would have gone through with it if your Dad wasn't a cop. I figure they have enough shit to deal with, and I sure don't want to be the guy to add to that."

Emmett nodded and smiled. "Yeah. Makes me feel kind of bad for all the times I've messed with him." He thought seriously for a moment before laughing and shaking his head. "Nah, it really doesn't" He admitted.

"Little shit." Charlie muttered from beside me.

Clint laughed too. "If you don't mind though, I'd like to discuss your part in the movie now; that is if you're still interested?"

"Hell yeah I'm interested."

Clint grinned. "We've decided to expand the role a little. You'll actually have a few speaking lines if that's okay?"

Emmett perked up at this new information.

He pursed his lips. "Do I still get to show my ass?"

Clint blurted out a laugh. "Without a doubt."

"Well, alright. As long as we can work it into my football schedule, I'll do it."

Clint smiled and downed his drink. "Alright." He then began in a quiet voice. "So, your character is a policeman, but he's a bit on the twisted side."

"Yeah?" was Emmett's wide-eyed response. "Do tell, Bronco Billy."

Clint frowned at the name before leaning forward, elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands together. "It won't require a lot of speaking on your part, the majority of your screen time would be spent doing physical stuff."

Emmett nodded, looking pleased. "You mean I get to chase bad guys?"

Clint gave a grim smile. "Not exactly. I should explain first that your character has a penchant for cross-dressing." He then straightened up while looking directly at Emmett. "You wouldn't be averse to wearing women's clothing would you?" He asked with a smirk.

Emmett surprised everyone by shaking his head. "Do I get to be some crazy freak like in Silence of the Lambs?" He asked with a wide grin before reciting "It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told" in a voice disturbingly similar to the original.

Clint chuckled. "Something like that. So it doesn't bother you?" He asked, looking a little surprised.

"I just did an ad campaign in my underwear and agreed to show my ass in a movie. Why would that bother me?"

Good point.

"You want me to dress up like a chick? I can do that." He said nonchalantly. "I bet I'll look pretty fucking hot too." He paused "Do you want me to wear my fake nipple rings? You know, just in case I show my chest?"

I slammed my hand over my mouth to keep the guffaw from escaping.

"Hmm" Clint narrowed his eyes as he thought that over, not looking pleased at all.

"That won't be necessary" Clint continued in a menacing tone, reminiscent of Dirty Harry.

"I told Clint this shit wouldn't work, he doesn't understand that Emmett's not wired like the rest of us." Charlie whispered.

Jasper, Dad and I chuckled.

Too true.

Emmett crossed his arms over his chest. "So that's it? All I'll have to do is dress like a woman and show my ass?" He questioned.

Clint pursed his lips. "Well, there's also a scene where you have to pretend to 'get it on' with another man." He looked pointedly at Emmett. "That wouldn't be a problem now would it?"

I thought for certain that Clint had found the chink in Emmett's armor with this request.

Emmett regarded him carefully. "Why no, Philo. You're telling me I have to have fake sex with a dude?"

Clint nodded.

Emmett grinned broadly once again. "Now that's something not even Eddie has done." He then got a panicked expression. "Please tell me that Eddie's not the dude I have fake sex with."

Clint shook his head. "No, none of your scenes are with Edward."

Emmett visibly breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good. I mean I don't mind going all Brokeback Mountain and shit, as long as I'm the one pitching, but it would be weird if the scene was with Edward." He announced with a slight shudder.

I shook my head as those around me tried to contain their laughter.

Emmett quirked an eyebrow. "Would I have to kiss the dude in the scene?"

Clint gave him a hard smile. "Maybe. Would that be a problem?"

Emmett looked him right in the eye and shook his head. "With or without tongue?" He inquired with a wiggle of the eyebrows.

At that, Jasper blurted out a laugh, and I practically tackled him to shut him up.

Emmett frowned. He definitely heard us. "Noisy neighbors." He said while gesturing to the wall that separated us.

"I warned Clint. There are very few things in this world that intimidate that boy. We already exploited his fear of heights during the Vegas trip." Charlie continued in a whisper.

"What else frightens him?" Dad asked.

Charlie drew in a deep breath. "Only one other thing that I know of" He continued to whisper, "Rosalie."

Charlie sighed. "Oh well, Clint's just getting started. You won't believe the crazy things he's going to try to get Emmett to agree to." Charlie added with a chuckle.

At that precise moment, the door to the suite swung open, and Clint's assistant along with an attractive man and woman entered the sitting room.

"Emmett, here are the two actors who will be appearing with you. Candace Valentine and Nick Mancini, I'd like you to meet Emmett Swan. We were just discussing the particulars of the scene featuring the three of you."

Emmett waved at the newcomers as they sat down. "Sup?" He inquired.

"Emmett, we may pass on you kissing Nick; you could just as easily kiss Candace instead." Clint continued. He was actually looking a little defeated at this point.

"Uh" Emmett stuttered out as he shot glances at Candace. "I may have to kiss her?" He asked with a pained expression.

"Yeah, the sex scene is actually a threesome with you and them." Clint continued as he gestured toward Candace and Nick.

Emmett sat frozen, staring at Clint.

Clint didn't seem to notice. "Your character is also into S&M, you know the kinky stuff?" He continued. "How do you feel about ball gags?"

Emmett took a big swig of his drink. "Are you trying to tell me that I'd be having simulated sex with a woman?" Emmett asked incredulously, disregarding Clint's question completely.

Clint shrugged. "Well, yes but…"

He turned toward Candace. "No offense but" He muttered before turning back to Clint, "Hell to the no on that one Callahan. I can get naked with another dude; even kiss him if that's what you want, although I wouldn't enjoy it." He boomed. "But don't ask me to kiss any woman other than my Rose."

Clint sat back. "Emmett, I understand that you love your fiancée, but this really isn't a big deal. As actors, we have to kiss other actors from time to time. Ask Edward."

Emmett laughed without humor. "Yeah, you say that now. But I know my Rosie. We could both explain to her that it's fake, but that wouldn't matter one bit." He groaned as he stood and began to pace, running his hands through his hair. "Baby Swan would most definitely be an only child once Rose was done with me. She'd be like The Terminator, and my balls would be John Connor in that scenario."

I couldn't hold back my laughter any more. I wasn't alone, as our entire group fell apart.

This is classic. Rose is Emmett's kryptonite

Emmett most definitely heard us. "What the fuck is going on with your neighbors?"

"I don't know." Clint said as he shrugged it off. "Back to what we were talking about, couldn't you explain to Rose about the scene?"

Emmett's expression transformed into one of abject fear. "Please Walt; don't ask me to do that, I'm begging you." Emmett asked in a hoarse whisper.

"Would you please stop calling me by the names of my movie characters?" Clint directed. "Come on Emmett. Be a man. She can't be as bad as you say."

Emmett cringed. "She's worse. I can forgive your ignorance, because you've never met her. Suffice it to say that I'm the expert here."

He sat in silence, brooding for a full minute before he spoke again. "I guess there's nothing else for it." He looked at Clint with sad eyes. "As much as I don't want to do this, I'm going to have to turn down the movie role Rowdy."

Clint groaned at the mention of his character's name from the television show Rawhide.

"Hey, you said to stop using your movie names." Emmett said with his signature cheesy grin.

He stood then to shake Clint's hand, presumably to say goodbye.

Clint didn't shake. "Have a seat Emmett, we're not done here." He said authoritatively before turning to the other actors. "Thanks for coming in Candace and Nick. I'll see you both in a few weeks." He said before they shook his hand and left.

Emmett continued to sit on the sofa, looking more than a little confused by this time.

"Charlie would you and the others come in now." Clint asked out loud while still watching Emmett.

Emmett's mouth dropped open in surprise, and didn't close until we had entered the room and were seated around him. He glared at Clint "What the fuck is going on?" He asked incredulously.

Clint proceeded to explain how he'd phoned Charlie on Saturday, and made his plans from there, and how we had been watching from the adjacent suite.

Emmett continued to glare and he folded his arms once again over his chest. "You never intended to prank Pops?" He asked.

"Nope" Clint admitted with a smile.

"And I don't really have to kiss that woman?" He asked.

Clint chuckled. "You don't have to kiss the man either. I made up all that stuff."

Emmett frowned. "You're a bit of an asshole aren't you Thunderbolt?"

Clint just continued to laugh.

Emmett wasn't through, "What I don't understand is why you had to show me up in front of my friends and family." He muttered. "That was cold, not to mention fucking embarrassing."

"Just hold on right there son." Charlie spoke up. "Let me get this straight." He said as he glared at Emmett. "The fact that we watched you cower in fear has you embarrassed?"

"Damn right I'm embarrassed." Emmett bellowed.

I guess there's a first time for everything.

Charlie pursed his lips. "I wonder if it embarrassed you as much as hearing your son's voice sounding over the loudspeaker at the drug store advising 'Chief Swan' that his prescription for extra-strength Viagra was ready at the pharmacy counter?"

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "It took me a week to convince the guys at the station that I didn't want or need Viagra." He said through gritted teeth. "Definitely not a topic that I wanted the entire town to speculate on."

Emmett chucked. "That was a good one." The rest of us unsuccessfully tried to hide our amusement.

"Or the time we helped Bella move to Seattle? I drove behind you as we transported her stuff. We didn't want to stop for lunch, so we hit the Wendy's drive-thru. When I reached the window to get my food, the guy practically threw it at me without taking my money. It was only after I parked and went inside to pay that I found out you'd told him to be wary of the guy in the truck behind you because he was an escapee from an institution for the criminally insane."

We all laughed at that one, including Clint.

"I could go on all night" Charlie said. "How about the time that you hid a fake dead rat in my desk drawer at the station? I screamed like a thirteen year old girl in front of the entire Forks police department when I found it."

Wow.

"Or when you rigged the siren on my squad car to play stripper music?"

More laughter.

"How about when you changed the message on my answering machine to make people aware that they'd reached the 'Forks Community Sperm Bank'."

Damn, Emmett's quite imaginative

"So don't you lecture anyone here about being embarrassed Emmett." Charlie exclaimed. "I've had enough embarrassing moments to last two lifetimes, thanks to you."

My Dad shook his head. "Did you really do all those things to your father?" He asked Emmett.

Emmett smiled broadly. "Fuck yeah. Those and many more."

My Dad then turned to me. "Edward, I don't think I've truly appreciated what it means to have you as my son until this moment." He said with a laugh as he patted my back.

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A/N Hope you enjoyed it. The double LRM will be up next. It's almost done. Followed by the next chapter of V&V.

I love reviews. I still have a backlog to respond to, but I promise to answer them all! Until next time…