A/N - This is the final part of the Dave ending. I mean, it's the super pro-Dave/Gillian, Cal-lets-go-ending. It ended up being all from Cal's point of view, but if you only have room in your heart for Callian this might not be your thing.
The next chapter I write will be part one of the Cal ending - angsty as hell, but overall super-pro-Callian. The LornaCat sword is double edged!
The next morning Cal wandered toward Gillian's office as if he had anywhere else to be. She half ignored him as he slowly walked inside, with his hands in his pockets and an expression like he was trying to hide his feelings until he'd figured out what she was feeling first. Gillian glanced up once, giving him a tight lipped smile before turning back to her computer. She was typing fast, another work email, perhaps something she'd left hanging the day before. When she'd disappeared for no apparent reason.
Gillian was actually adding more and more to her email, to give herself time to think. She hadn't told anyone where she was going that previous day. She never left without giving a reason, and Cal had that look on his face like he was going to ask her all about it. Like it bugged him.
When she was done typing, she shifted in her chair and gave Cal her full intention. Her expression didn't change. It was detached, so much colder than he was used to. Defensive. Preemptive. He stood there in front of her desk with his hands in his pockets, trying to mirror her attitude. He was worried and curious and trying to hide it all. As if she didn't know him better than that.
"Where were you yesterday afternoon?" he said, with a hint of accusation. He could tell by the absolute lack of change in her demeanor that she'd been expecting this conversation, probably dreading it. He continued anyway. "I could have used you."
Gillian's expression changed then. Bad start.
"I needed you." he amended his statement.
"Something came up." Gillian said, far too simply. She kicked herself for being so vague right out of the gate. She could read his mind. He was thinking You have no family, and therefore no emergencies; what could be more important than me? She knew he felt bad for thinking that way, but still...
"Did you swear the new receptionist to secrecy, or something?" Cal said, trying to shift the conversation to a lighter tone. If he'd really wanted to do that, though, he would have sat in the chair in front of her desk. He remained standing, his hands still in his pockets. "She told me you might have left with a strange man," he continued, hinting at what was really bothering him. "But she couldn't remember his name. I thought she might be-"
"Dave is back." Gillian cut in, Cal's cluelessness becoming too painful to bear. He stared at her in silence for five seconds, frozen for what felt like five years as his mind wrapped around that little nugget of information.
"Dave." Cal echoed, his tone saying Dave who? even though his body language gave him away. He knew there was only one Dave that could make Gillian behave this way toward him.
"Dave." said Gillian, struggling with the last name. "Burns." she said descriptively. "Dave Atherton." she said for clarity, hoping to god that the heat in her cheeks wasn't visible as a blush. As happy as she was when she was in his arms, she sensed that she wasn't allowed to be happy about it in front of Cal and that was embarrassing for her. "He came back." she reiterated, for the happiness impaired.
Another painfully loud silence followed.
"What for?" Cal then said, tone flat, a little harder now, the shock fading and settling into well-controlled dread.
What do you think? Gillian wanted to spit at him, but she controlled herself too.
"For me." she said tersely. As if he should have known she was enough.
But of course he knew. Cal's heart was panicked. She was so sure about something. She'd reached a conclusion without consulting him first, and she was all prepared to defend herself. This was no good, no good at all. The things she was saying, the things she was telling him, she was telling him because she had to, because she was being confronted. Not because he was her best friend.
"How is he 'back'?" Cal said, mocking the simple concept and making all of it more difficult. "He's got the golden VIP pass in the witness protection program, why would they let him risk that?"
Gillian took a deep breath. Her heart must be racing, Cal thought.
"He's no longer working for the DEA."
Cal wanted to tell her that things like that didn't happen, but he could think of a few instances where it might be possible. None of those instances were comforting. In a way, they all made it worse.
"He gave his two weeks notice, did he?" said Cal, making the little worm of anger in his heart wriggle with pleasure when he saw Gillian's reaction, her anger stirring as well.
"There was...an incident," she said, putting it lightly. "That they don't want him to talk about. And the price of his silence was complete severence."
"You believe that?"
GIllian looked at Cal, contemplating her next move. He looked back at her, waiting.
"I mean, if they wanted him silent, why wouldn't they just kill him?" Cal asked, honestly curious and knowing full well that it was the wrongest thing for him to say.
Contempt. He saw more than a flash of it on her face. You rotten bastard. it said. God, it hurt coming from her. But he had to know, and she had to realize that. After a few more seconds of painful facial honesty, Gillian took another deep breath.
"Shut the door." she said quietly. "Please."
"He doesn't want me to follow him." Gillian stated, her stomach twisting as Dave's form receded down the hallway.
"No." said Cal. He'd never felt more uncomfortable in his entire life. "They're gonna move him." he explained. "Change his name."
The pain that came over her face then; it was like he'd stabbed her right in the heart. She struggled to find her voice, her body still in motion as she stood in one spot. She was sure she'd fall apart if she stopped moving.
"I liked the one he had."
Cal wished for Gillian's sake that she was home alone, in privacy so she could have a good cry, not in the middle of a crowded hospital as her boyfriend was led away by his handlers. The realization that she'd never see him again had passed slowly over her like a dark cloud, and her eyes filled with tears. Cal could feel her sadness. His heart broke for her. She'd truly loved him and he hadn't even said goodbye.
"Sorry, love." Cal said, feeling helpless. He didn't even blame Dave for acting like everything would be fine. He understood wanting to leave Gillian with a smile on her face, so it would be the last thing he remembered. He did blame Dave for leaving him with such a mess, for starting this love affair in the first place. He'd had no right.
Gillian was beside herself. The day was catching up with her, the enormity of what had happened and what it had cost them. She looked like she couldn't breathe. Cal reached for her, just for her elbow, but she shrank away.
"No," she said lightly. "I'm fine."
Cal winced as he saw another wave of nausea hit her. "Gill." he said gently. She heard it in his voice. She was not fine. It took her another moment, but she did let Cal take her in his arms. Cal held her, and felt her crying, and he experienced true sorrow. He'd accepted Dave's place in her life, jealous but never hateful. As long as she was happy, he'd told himself.
Dave's past had almost gotten them killed today. Maybe now Cal could hate him a little.
She told Cal the whole story that Dave had told her, and to Cal's utter dismay it actually made sense. It involved a lot of violence, a little blackmail and the complete dissolution of moral boundaries on both sides. If it had been a case they were working, Cal would have been fascinated and eager to hear the resolution, but this man was allowed to touch Gillian and that made all of it absolutely unbearable. It made him sick that Gillian was okay with it. In the grand scheme of things, Dave was the good guy, but that didn't make him innocent. It didn't make him safe, and in Cal's eyes it didn't make him anywhere near worthy of her, not anymore.
"You're gonna be with someone who's capable of that?" Cal asked her, trying to open up her eyes to reality.
"You're judging me?" she replied. It was barely a question, the upturn at the end simply a way of expressing her disbelief. Me, as opposed to you. Because Cal's choices made her angry too.
"I'm worrying about you." Cal corrected her, trying to bring warmth into the argument, to bring it back to friendship. Underneath that he was trying to explain his own behavior, what she saw as his double standard.
I'm the rotten bastard, remember? Your heart bleeds for strangers. You're in love, Gill, and that makes you blind. I've got my eyes wide open for you. Now listen.
"I was here." Cal reminded her. "The entire time. I was here to see what his leaving did to you."
"It wasn't his fault." said Gillian. Maintaining her patience was a struggle.
"Right." Cal said, suddenly dismissive. "Only, it was."
Jesus, out of all the scenarios he'd thought up since yesterday afternoon, he hadn't been expecting this. It made sense in hindsight, and now he wanted the last twenty-four hours of his life back. He wanted the last six months to do over, to seduce her away from her own incorrect memory. Dave was bad for her, he broke her heart. Didn't that mean anything anymore?
"Cal," Gillian said carefully. She was looking down at the surface of her desk, and he could sense the end of the conversation coming. "I didn't know he was going to show up until he was already here. It was very sudden, and I still don't really know yet what I'm going to do or where it's going."
It was obvious Gillian had so much more to say on the subject, but she hesitated, and stopped. Cal could do a lot better than guess at what had really gone on the previous day. She did know where it was going. She knew what she wanted, she just wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. It wasn't often for her that one had anything to do with the other.
Cal didn't like to think about the two of them going at it. So he got defensive - he shut down completely, and she almost felt guilty about how relieved that made her.
"Right. Sorry to bother you then." he said as he left her office, his eyebrows jumping for a second, telegraphing the sarcasm inherent in the statement. No pet name, no 'love'. Just sarcasm and a brisk walk out.
Gillian stared at the space he'd been occupying just moments before. Moments stretched to minutes and she was still staring, lamenting the fact that they got along so much better when she was still married.
Gillian started leaving work on time every evening. Suddenly she had somewhere to be at night, somewhere other than the office to catch up on paperwork. Cal watched her drift further away each day, while she 'figured out where it was going'. It was an adjustment that neither of them took lightly. Either Dave was going to stick around, or he was going to leave her again. Either way, for one of them, it was going to hurt.
A week after Gillian told Cal that Dave was back, Dave came to see Cal in his office. Cal didn't even bother reading Dave on his way in. Cal read himself instead, measuring the physical and mental reactions he had to the appearance of Gillian's lost love, now found. He didn't vomit at the sight of him, which Cal found unfortunate. It would have been amusing to see Dave's reaction to that.
"What can I do you for?" Cal asked, his non-chalance surprising but for the edge in his voice. There was way too much he wanted to say, so he thought he might as well let Dave have his piece, get it over with, so they could both go back to silently resenting each other.
"I came to talk to you about Gillian." said Dave, in that ridiculous voice of his. Cal wondered if his mother fed him rocks as a child.
"I'm shocked." Cal replied in the meantime, to what seemed like Dave's only purpose. "Do go on."
"I want to have a serious discussion with you, Cal. Because this affects all of us."
Don't I know it. thought Cal. "Come for my blessing, have you?" he said out loud.
"That's one way of putting it, yeah."
"Spit it out, then."
"Gillian explained the situation to you?"
"Your situation? Yes. She explained it."
"We have a real chance to be together." said Dave, ignoring Cal's attitude and his semantics as usual. "The only thing holding her back is you. You're a huge part of her life. Your friendship, and this company. She can't be with me unless she knows you're okay with it."
"Does she know you're here right now?"
Dave's brow furrowed, eyes narrowing. "...Does that matter?"
"To me, yeah." said Cal. "It matters a great deal."
There was an awkward pause, as Dave gathered his thoughts. Slowly, he came to an explanation. "We've talked about everything I'm saying to you right now. We discussed talking to you about it somehow. But no, she doesn't know I'm here. She didn't send me in here, if that's what you're asking."
Cal nodded, accepting.
"Does that make it better or worse?" Dave asked, genuinely curious.
"Dunno yet." Cal said, though he doubted anything would make this exchange easier. "Keep going."
Dave stifled a sigh, and went on with making his point, slowly but surely. "People talk about finding and losing the love of their life, and I get that now. I had her, I lost her, and now I have her back. I can't lose her again. I won't."
"Yeah. But what if she's mine too?"
Dave paused again at Cal's challenge, and Cal found a reflection of his frustration in Dave's eyes. They both saw each other as the man that hurt Gillian Foster.
"With all due respect," Dave said, implying that Cal didn't have as much due as he thought. "You had your chance." he said plainly. "And you blew it."
That feeling in Cal's heart, the stabbing feeling - that was the truth, cutting into him. He could hear the annoying little squish as that truth plunged in. Not even Emily had put it to him that way before. She hadn't the heart to hurt him that much. The stakes were higher for Dave, he supposed. Dave could afford to take a chance at offending him, though that wasn't his goal.
"I'm not here to antagonize you." said Dave.
"You're asking me to let her go." said Cal, saving him the breath and the backpedaling. "So you can have her."
"It's not just for me. It's for all of us. She wants to be with me, and if you don't let her go now we're both gonna lose her."
"...Come again?"
"I didn't make her choose." said Dave. "I asked her if she wanted to be with me, and she said yes. But, if you keep pulling on her from the other side, if you keep her in the middle like that..."
"It'll destroy whatever relationship I still have with her." Cal finished the thought, already quite familiar with the idea. He could tell by the way she acted around him now. She was walking on egg shells. She was, not Cal, the one that should have been. She was distancing herself from him because he didn't want to talk about, didn't want to hear about, didn't want to think about her being with anyone else, and she knew that.
Ugh. Dave was right. Fighting this, ruining what good she could still have in her life, would drive her away completely. He couldn't be both jealous lover and best friend. It didn't work coming from the same person.
"You really think you can make her happy?" Cal asked him. Like the conversation he'd had with Gillian, he could sense the end of this one coming too. It had been decided, but Cal wouldn't let Dave go without making sure.
"I'm gonna try my damn hardest-"
"You can't just try," Cal interrupted him like he interrupted Torres during an important lesson. "You have to do it."
Dave chuckled, in that disbelieving way he always did when having serious conversations with Cal. "I figured coming here and saving your friendship would be a good start."
Cal nodded very slowly. It was a great start, not that he'd ever admit it.
"If you break her heart again," said Cal. "I'll kill you."
"And I'll let you." Dave promised him.
Cal nodded again. They were done here.
"If you try to shake my hand now, I'll kill you for that too."
"I wouldn't dream of it." Dave said sarcastically, though his relief was audible.
"Go see her." Cal told him. "Tell her what we talked about. No reason to start things out with secrets and lies again."
Dave didn't ignore that jab; he accepted it, recognizing the truth like Cal had accepted his.
"Thank you." said Dave. He was so earnest, it made Cal want to smash his face through a window. Captain America had just convinced him not to fight for Gillian's affections, and Cal didn't know if it was because he was too weak to stand up, or if he was strong enough to let her go.
You had your chance, thought Cal. And you blew it. Or maybe you were never meant to be more than friends after all.
Six months later, Gillian came to work with an engagement ring on.
Cal was the last to know. It hurt, but he got through it.
Two months after that, they had The Talk. Cal told Gillian how he really felt about her, and she thanked him for his honesty. He explained to her that, for the better part of their entire time together he'd been in love with her, in love or in denial, and that he'd been waiting for the right time to tell her. There was never a right time, though, and so he'd finally decided to cut in at the wrong time, the hardest time, and ask her to choose between a decent thing and Cal Lightman, rotten bastard extraordinaire.
Her stance was that it was too late, she was with Dave now, and he made her happy even with all of his baggage - because none of it actually involved her. She told Cal that she would always have feelings for him, but too much history had passed between them to ever have a functional romantic relationship. From Gillian's point of view, they'd passed the point of no return long before Dave had come back into the picture, and she told him that hoping it would help take the sting away from being rejected. From Cal's point of view, they'd only just reached a point where they could have a functional romantic relationship. Where he could, at least. Sadly, he could see from Gillian's point of view as well. And it didn't just sting. The feeling choked his heart and made the entire world look gray.
Never say never, Cal told her lightly on his way out, even though he was certain he'd never stop loving her the way he did.
On the day of her wedding, Cal snuck into the room where she was waiting for the small, simple ceremony to begin. He'd dreamt a million ways to tell her she was making the biggest mistake of her life - marrying Dave, getting married again in the first place - but he kept them as dreams. She looked far too beautiful to have her perfect day ruined. She was seated at a vanity, her shoulders still facing it as her head turned to look at her visitor.
Her smile faltered when she saw him there in the doorway. Worried he'd come to talk her out of it. She knew him well.
"From one divorcee to another," he started off slowly. "...I truly wish you the best of luck this time around."
Gillian's genuine smile returned, and she was grateful. Even if it wasn't the whole truth, the fact that he was saying it - that it was what he wanted her to believe - meant a great deal to her.
"You thought I was going to try and stop you." Cal observed, walking over to her, placing a hand on the back of her chair as Gillian turned back to the mirror. They both looked at her face for a moment, until Gillian's eyes met the reflection of his.
Reluctantly, Gillian admitted it. "The idea had occured to me."
"Well. I did watch The Graduate last night."
"Cal." she said, the lightest of warnings.
"I'm trying, love." said Cal, his facade beginning to crumble.
She turned again and looked up at him, her eyes pleading now. It was already hard enough, watching him force himself to accept her new life. She didn't want to see how deeply it hurt him. She needed to know he'd be okay.
"Try harder." she whispered.
He looked into those eyes for a sign, for any indication of the words Get me out of here! hidden away somewhere. He read, and he found no such plea for help. No secret longing for him to tell her they could leave together and never look back. She wanted him to be over her, and if he cared about her at all - if he cared about her happiness in the slightest, and not just his own desires - he would keep pretending until he was really okay.
Cal inhaled deeply, bringing a smile to his face. Somewhere, buried inside of him, was the part of him that only longed for her happiness. It existed, somewhere down there, and he imagined it as an endless well growing larger and larger within himself. He was going to have to draw from it constantly now.
"You look absolutely radiant." he told her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head the way a father would. She closed her eyes, wondering if he would linger, but he did not. He moved away, and when she opened her eyes she saw him at the door, pointing at her. "Don't forget your lines." he said, and she was able to smile at the humor.
Throughout the first pregnancy, Cal found it easy to sit with Gillian and talk to her about everything Zoe went through with Em. Instead of becoming depressed, sad that he wasn't the father of Gillian's first baby, he recognized how happy it made her, and that made him happy, and their mutual happiness had a multiplying effect. Even on days she was miserable with morning sickness, her smile would eventually come back and brighten his day.
At eight and a half months, Gillian waddled slowly into Cal's office and took a seat on his couch, both hands on her belly and a thoughtful smile on her face. He ignored the video playing on his computer, pausing it absent-mindedly as he let his elbow slide until his upper body was almost laying on the desk. He looked at her with eyebrows raised.
"If you're wondering where the food is," he said. "You've already eaten it."
Gillian smiled, humming with a single, wry chuckle.
"We're very hungry, Gill."
"I can't see my feet when I lay down." she said, ignoring him, lifting her feet from the floor and peering down at them to remind herself which shoes she'd put on that day. No heels for months now. "She's almost here, Cal." Gillian sighed, resting her feet on the floor and her head on the back of the couch.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you for two months." Cal said affecting a weary, worried expression. "I want you back sooner, but, on the other hand, I know what it's going to be like and I want you to take more time off."
Gillian smiled, remembering the stories he'd told her. Being father to Emily had been more important to him than anything, even his work, she was convinced of that now. He missed it, and she fully intended to let him live vicariously through her.
"I want to thank you." said Gillian, her voice suddenly sentimental in a way that threw him off.
"Whatever for, darling?" said Cal, trying to sound laidback. Even though he was happy for her, he still had strong feelings for her, and when she got close enough to his heart to poke it like that, it still hurt.
"For everything." said Gillian. "For all your advice, and all the stories." She was starting to tear up. Cal could hear it in her voice, and in the way she tried to hide it. She waited a moment before saying the last reason, waiting for the tears to drain away. "For being happy for me." she said, her voice breaking as the tears began to spill. She rolled her eyes at herself, and she sat up, putting her knuckles beneath her eyes to clean up the mess. "These hormones." she muttered, as Cal got up and walked around his desk to go sit with her.
"Sure, love. Blame the hormones." he teased her, chuckling when she smiled. He flopped down beside her, and offered his arm for her shoulders. He tried to keep the touchy feely stuff to a minimum, especially when Dave was around, but at the moment a hug seemed more than appropriate. She leaned on him, head on his shoulder, and accepted the one-armed embrace as it was offered. In friendship.
"We both know you're prone to waterworks even without baby-induced mood swings."
"Watch it, Cal." Gillian warned him. "When I swing the other way I become the She-Hulk."
"Aren't you the She-Hulk all the time now?" Cal continued to tease, in reference to her size rather than her temper. Gillian scoffed, tapping his chest with the back of her hand.
"You wouldn't like me when I'm pregnant." Cal whispered to the top of her head. It made her giggle, and that's how Anna found them when she appeared in the doorway. She couldn't hide her reaction; she wasn't the type to try, since she knew they'd read her anyway. Surprise, relief, happiness - it made her happy to see Cal and Gillian laughing together - and then just a twinge of sadness on Cal's behalf.
"Dave is here." Anna said to Gillian, smiling before she left them alone. Cal noticed that Gillian hadn't moved away from him when she saw Anna. She'd stayed there smiling with her head on his shoulder because they were friends. Very, very, very good friends.
"Help me up." Gillian whispered after Anna had gone. Gillian tried sitting up, but she didn't get very far by herself until Cal put his hand behind her back and pushed. They both got her to her feet, and he followed her outside, his guiding hand dropping from her lower back when they entered the hallway.
"Hey, baby." Dave said warmly, his whole face taken over by the goofy smile he got from seeing his pregnant wife. Cal glanced at Gillian straight after, in time to catch her face light up too. He thought he'd be sickened by it, but he found his heart was actually made warmer by the exchange.
"Hi, Cal." said Dave, catching Cal's attention again with his politeness. Cal turned to Dave and gave him a nod, maintaining eye contact for about half a second before he turned back to Gillian.
"I'll see you around, then." he said to her. She smiled at him, and nodded. "You'll be a mum next time you're here." he added pleasantly.
"Finally." she said, a verbal wink, as she and Dave reached for each other's hands.
"Thanks for taking care of her." Dave said to Cal, giving him a small smile as he switched her hand from his right to his left, placing the newly freed hand on Gillian's lower back. Where Cal's had been. Cal once again responded with silence, returning the small smile and giving him another polite nod.
"You ready for maternity leave?" he heard Dave say to Gillian as they walked away.
No! Cal wanted to shout. Give her back, you wanker... he thought, but even that private thought tapered off limply at the end. They were going to be such a happy family.
When Gillian brought the baby in for the first time, Dave came with her, and the entire office gathered around them next to the receptionist's desk. They formed a smiling, cooing mass of bodies that Cal could barely see through when he finally went out into the hall. He didn't mind the crowd; he'd already had the privilege of meeting their daughter in the hospital, soon after the birth. He'd gone with Emily, and after giving their congratulations and flowers to the exhausted and proud new parents, they stood peering through the window of the nursery together.
"Did I look like that?" Emily asked her father.
"Nah." said Cal. "You were much cuter."
"You're just saying that 'cause I'm yours."
"Well, of course. You're a Lightman, and therefore cuter..."
When Gillian and Dave brought the baby to the office, Cal was able to observe some behaviors he hadn't noticed before. Probably because he tended to avoid the couple when they were together.
Dave hefted both baby carrier and diaper bag, allowing Gillian to hold the baby when she needed to be displayed. Dave watched his daughter's face and smiled, even as he answered questions about her, and he made sure to give Gillian everything she needed without her even having to ask for it.
Cal hadn't been that way with Zoe. Zoe had always wished he could be like that with her, but nothing about her had drawn that out of him. She'd demanded it without deserving it, whereas Gillian didn't have to ask. For a moment, Cal allowed himself to wish that she'd asked him, just once. Maybe that's all it would have taken, to make him change into what she needed him to be?
But no, that wasn't the way it worked.
Gillian finally had everything she'd ever wanted - a loving husband, a beautiful baby girl...and Cal as her best friend, because there are things one can forgive in a best friend that just don't fly for a lover and life partner. For Gillian's sake, Cal was satisfied with that. His heart still ached a little, but he'd grown used to that over the years. He'd take what he could. The way he always had with her.