A/N: Warning! Contains wibbly-wobbly fade-in, with echo-y effect, flashback... flashback... flashback...
There is a point to this story - I swear. Its an emotional journey, okay?
Ah, my lit teacher would be so proud... *cringe*
Dean had waited until Cas was in the men's room before he called Sam.
"Hey, Dean. How're you guys doing?" Sam assumed this was Dean's weekly catch-up call to confirm he was alive and hadn't been killed, possessed, kidnapped, de-aged, drugged, doppelgangered, cursed, flung into the future or body-swapped. Stranger things had happened.
"Hey, Sam. Listen, can we do something this year?"
"About what?"
"I mean Christmas, you butt-puppet!"
"Okay, don't get your panties in a bunch. I thought you hated Christmas?"
"Well… Cas hasn't had a family Christmas before. And we're his family now."
There was silence from Sam as he grasped what Dean wasn't saying.
"So … you want to make Christmas good - for Cas…?"
"Yeah."
"And this involves me because…?"
"You have a home we can visit and decorate. You could invite Bobby. Maybe Gabriel. Or Balthazar. Girls, if you know any."
Sam sighed loudly to indicate his unhappiness with the plan. He knew it was wasted on Dean that it was short notice to be giving someone, for hosting a family Christmas, even if it was only for very select members of the Winchester clan.
"Please?" Dean tried hard to sound pathetically earnest. He'd learned from the best.
"Oh, fine."
"Yes! Gotta go. Cas is coming back."
Cas leaned on the roof of the Impala, eyeing the map Dean had spread there. "Here," Dean said, sliding a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups across the roof of the car to Cas. "I got your favourite. And your triple espresso."
"Thank you, Dean."
Dean grinned. He always said that. It didn't matter how many times they had done this. It was always "Thank you, Dean," never just "Thanks," or "Thank you." Spending more time with Cas, he noticed these things. With strangers, like store clerks or wait staff it was "Thank you," but with family it was "Thank you, Sam," or "Thank you, Bobby." It was never discussed, but Dean knew it was important.
He folded up the map and got into the car, Cas doing the same. He handed Cas his coffee. It had been a carefully debated rule they had discussed seriously and at length, that Cas was allowed to bring his coffee into the car, because he liked his coffee plain and he was scrupulously neat. The day he started to order sticky, milky sweet confections, or get clumsy, the deal was off. Cas thought the deal fair.
"I'm heading us back the way we came. I wanna visit Sam." Dean paused with his hand on the ignition and glanced at Cas. Cas looked at Dean over the edge of his coffee as he took a sip. He swallowed his coffee and nodded. He had learned that when Dean paused like that after saying something, he wanted a response. "I like it when we visit Sam. It makes you happy." Dean's shoulders relaxed at this.
"It makes you happy too," Dean pointed out.
Cas smiled mischievously. "That's because Sam is a good person... Why can't you be more like him?"
"What? What are you-" Dean's complaint was interrupted by Cas' laughter.
"Oh, you're just lucky you're holding a coffee, funny guy." Dean's complaint was tempered by his fond smile. He liked Cas' rare laughs. He especially liked that they weren't so rare anymore.
Cas wasn't sure why, but Dean seemed in a hurry to get to Sam's. He didn't want to stop unless absolutely necessary and was willing for them to drive in shifts to save time. Cas was willing to forgo decent meals, but had insisted they stop for sleep in proper beds. The car was just too cold and uncomfortable for sleeping in, especially sitting up. And Cas liked his sleep. Dean was impatient with the delay and was in bed, fidgeting, when Cas came out of the shower. Cas climbed in beside Dean.
"Dean… you are needlessly burning energy fussing like this. Just relax and accept it. You'll feel better in the morning." Dean harrumphed grumpily and rolled over, turning his back to Cas. Cas sighed heavily and rubbed Dean's back, then spooned up against Dean, slid his hand over Dean's arm and interlaced their fingers. He knew Dean's unhappiness wasn't specifically directed at him and smiled when Dean's thumb rubbed circles over his knuckles. He rested his lips against the back of Dean's neck, remembering their first fight.
-oOo-
"It was the only way."
They sat in the motel room glaring at each other, patched and bloody, not all of it theirs. Sam packed the first aid kit away nervously and headed out the door. He knew better than to get involved. They were tired from the hunt, but they wouldn't rest until this was resolved. As soon as the door closed after Sam, Dean started.
"God damn it, Cas! It told you not to do it! You said you wouldn't."
"I told you not to do it. And you ignored me… You went in there with every intention of making yourself the bait." Cas' frown was thunderous.
"That's not what I'm angry about, you dumb-ass! I don't expect you to be a wallflower-"
"-I don't understand then. What are you angry about?" Cas' brow was still creased, but there was more of confusion in it.
"You lied to me! …You know what? I don't want to talk to you right now." Dean scooped the keys off the formica table and headed for the door.
"Dean?" Cas was suddenly unsure what that meant. Was this some kind of turning point? Had he missed important signals that normal people understood? Dean huffed out a sigh, paused and came back to face Castiel. Cas searched his eyes for some kind of clue to what it all meant. Dean still looked upset. He pulled Cas closer by the ears and kissed his forehead. He left. Without saying another word. Cas abruptly felt clammy all over.
It was the only thing he could think of to stop himself from saying things, in the heat of the moment, that he'd regret later. Dean sat in the driver's seat feeling betrayed and angry. It hurt. It reminded him too much of Sammy in his demon blood days. And now Cas was sitting in there looking all lost and confused because Dean was mad as hell. Too mad to explain it properly. It wasn't the risky actions that made him angry, it was the lying about it. He knew Cas didn't have a duplicitous bone in his body. He'd obviously thought it was the right thing to do. Dean thumped his head back against the car seat. This wasn't how he wanted them to be.
Cas heard Dean crunch out onto the cheap parking lot, the groan of the car door, the creak of the suspension as Dean got in, the slamming shut of the car door. Cas sat down heavily on the bed and waited for the sound of the engine, feeling lost and horrified. He waited. And waited. He expected and feared the sound for an endless fifteen minutes.
Then unexpectedly he heard the groan of the car door opening again.
He stood up as Dean let himself in. Dean saw the exposed look in Cas' eyes. He sat on the bed and motioned for Cas to do the same. Dean took a deep breath and told himself he was a grown-assed man, and if he wanted this (he forced himself to think it)...relationship... to be more functional than a character in a teen vampire romance, he'd have to talk about it.
"Look, I just needed time to think." He put his hand on Cas' knee. "Our lives are dangerous. We can't protect each other from everything. You can look after yourself pretty well, anyway. But don't lie to me, okay?"
Cas nodded quickly. If that's all it was, he could do that. Dean continued.
"I'm not saying give in and agree to everything I say - 'cause I know how you love absolutes - I'm saying, if you don't agree, you gotta keep telling me. You don't lie down and play possum."
Cas' brow creased in confusion. Dean sighed. He should know better than to use slang with Cas. "Don't just tell me what I want to hear. I want you to be honest. Got it?"
Cas nodded and swallowed the pain in his throat before confessing. "I thought you were leaving." His voice was low, perhaps little throatier than usual.
"I was just going to drive around for a while, 'cause I was angry at you…but I kept seeing the look on your face when I left and…I couldn't do it."
"I was angry too, Dean." Cas brow furrowed somewhere between anger and sorrow. He sensed there was only a thin membrane of calm holding back his own turmoil.
"Yeah? You hide it well."
Cas felt the membrane split. "You're the most important thing I have. You made me feel like my most important thing didn't matter, like you were throwing it away."
Dean's face scrunched in consternation and his voice rose doubtfully. "Like I was... throwing myself away?"
"Yes." Cas' mouth became a tight, inflexible line. "Like garbage." His voice became lower and rougher."You're not garbage, Dean." Cas looked on the verge of smiting him, even without any angelic powers, or at least punching him in the mouth.
Dean looked at Cas for several seconds. Cas was trying extremely hard to tell him something important, so he really made an effort to put himself in Cas' shoes. How would he like it, if Cas kept throwing himself around like he didn't matter? Like he was disposable. The thought gave him a deep sense of discomfort in his gut, and made his heart clench more than a little. His mind skittered away from the memories of a future that never happened. Cas wasn't disposable. Cas was irreplaceable. The little light bulb clicked on. Cas thought he was irreplaceable. He was making Cas feel sick to his stomach and making Cas' heart ache every time he gambled with his own life. Today had been a taste of his own medicine.
His eyes met Cas' squarely. "Okay. I get it. It's selfish of me to take risks like that."
Some of the tension left Cas' eyes. He put his hand over Dean's and laced their fingers together tightly. Dean smirked "That's so girly, Cas." But the only move he made was to get closer and squeeze back at Cas' hand. The kiss he gave Cas was open and promissory.