I lay in bed mulling over what Dimitri had said. His proposal was open to me whenever I should want to accept it. I briefly considered this - it didn't take long to come to the conclusion that I would marry him. The answer was simple really, I love him with every fibre of my being - what excuse did I have not to marry him?
"Rose?"
"Yes Liss?"
"Why am I reading your thoughts?"
"Because I died again?"
"Oh yea, I forgot about that, I wasn't one hundred percent sure I had succeeded!"
"Well it's safe to say my Queen that you have."
"Thank God."
"So your going to accept Dimitri's proposal?"
"yea I've kinda ran out of excuses not to"
"that doesn't mean you shouldn't marry him"
"Liss I love him, after all I've put him through it's hardly fair that I turn him down again. I mean I did tell him that I loved him, I used Adrian as a vessel."
"What about the fact that he has a girlfriend?"
"What?"
"Emmm my little sister Jill, remember Disneyland Paris?"
"Shit I completely forgot about Jill."
"Would it have made an difference?"
"Look it's not as if I just screwed him for no good reason, I used him to get in contact with Dimitri"
"Really?"
"Really"
"Both times?"
"Both times?"
"Yes Rose, the hotel room, the first time you slept with him?"
"Oh shit, SHIT. I am going to kill him once I see him."
"Whatever Rose. I always turned a blind eye to your sometimes slutty actions but not anymore, not when my only remaining family member is going to get hurt."
"I thought you didn't agree with their relationship?" in truth Lissa's remark about Jill being her only family stung.
"It was meant to hurt Rose. You need to cop the hell on. I promise once you do we can consider getting our friendship back on track. You will maintain your position as Head of the Royal Guardians because you have proven yourself in that field but our friendship is on hold until further notice."
With that I woke up. My mind, it appeared, found the waking world more attractive at this point. When I woke up I couldn't help smiling, as I saw my little boy, with his head leaning across my bed, fast asleep. Adrian was also in the room but one look at him and I burst out into tears.
"Rose what's the matter?"
"Lissa" was all I could say.
"What about her?"
"She's putting our friendship on hold but still expects me to work for her"
"Why?"
"because I slept with you."
"But I've already spoke to Jill about it"
"And?"
"She broke it off"
"Adrian I'm sorry, I never should have put in that position, I know you genuinely cared about her"
"Yea, well obviously, she didn't feel the same way. Are you okay with me leaving him here I need to get a fresh breath of air?"
"Or a cigarette?"
"That too"
"Fire ahead, I know I usually condone such behaviour but I'm not far from joining you."
"Thanks Rose."
I lay in bed, thinking. Something Lissa had said bothered me 'that doesn't mean you should marry him'.
I loved Dimitri - right? Was that not enough reason? But part of my mind spoke up is that what I really wanted? In all honestly most of me did, I wanted to call Dimitri my husband but at the same time there was a seed of doubt planted firmly in my mind and that was the only thing that was stopping me from demanding that I be discharged and accepting Dimitri's proposal. Adrian thankfully interrupted my train of thought by re-entering the room.
"Well Little Dhampir, how you feeling?"
"Ugh confused Adrian you?"
"tired"
"why don't you take the Little Man wherever he's staying these days and get some sleep yourself?"
"I think that's what I'll do Rose if you don't mind. We'll be back in to see you tomorrow"
"Promise?"
"Promise" was all he said as he winked and walked out.
God I am such a bitch - not only have I broken Dimitri, I've destroyed the only proper relationship Adrian has ever had and in the process lost my best friend again.
I was released a few days later. Lissa was back in the waking world having fully recovered but as the Queen was held back for a few days to ensure she would be perfectly okay to rule safely. I knew it was annoying her, she just wanted to get back to work but in all honesty I was dreading the day when I would have to actually come face to face with her, not just stand outside her hospital door, and she knew this. I've only realised just how irritating it must have been for Lissa , knowing that I could read her mind but she hadn't an inkling of my thoughts. I hated that my thoughts weren't my mind and now appreciate just how frustrating it must have been for her. Dimitri and I have been avoiding each other like the plague. Mason is getting really confused, Dimitri must be as well. Adrian, while confused by the female mind, is as understanding as possible and helps us out with Mase.
It was hard guarding Lissa now without our friendship, but I was starting to adjust. Matters were made worse when Dimitri was appointed to the Royal Guard as well. I once loved going to work, it was exciting but now I dreaded it - there is only two people in this world that could make my job hard to endure - besides Stirgoi - and I end up having to work with the both of them! I seriously think that the fates have it in for me. I suggested it to Adrian one day and he told me to use my head that the fates had nothing to do with it, Lissa did. I knew he was right but that didn't mean I told him that. He did however give me food for thought as he remarked that maybe Lissa hadn't employed Dimitri to make my job harder, perhaps it was simply to try and get Dimitri and I together. I have to agree that it does sound like something Lissa would do. That is, before she pretty much fired me from being her friend. I said that to Adrian and he pointed out that maybe she wasn't doing it for me, but Dimitri, as they've been close ever since she restored him the first time. This did not cheer me up in the slightest so Adrian made a hasty exit and left me to think. I decided to defy Adrian and went to the gym. Of course that didn't go as planned either - it was just one of those days.
I walked into the gym and got changed. I started my laps - 20 a day and by the time I had arrived back in Dimitri was beating the living daylights out of a practise dummy. I must admit I felt sorry for that dummy! I had never seen Dimitri take such frustration out on a dummy before and knew I was the source of such frustration.
"whoa ! Comrade, what's gotten into you?"
"Oh Roza", he mumbled, embarrassed?"
"Well?" I pushed, trying to raise one eyebrow - and failing, spectacularly. This at least got a smile out of him.
"Just working out" he told his feet.
"Working out what?"
"You wouldn't ask unless you already knew the answer Rose"
Ouch that hurt. I'd become so familiar with him calling me Roza, it made me feel special - his, different to everybody else. I sighed, defeated.
"Dimitri, look I'm sorry. I've just got a lot going on in my head. I'm in no condition to make such a life altering decision - I thought you'd be the first to tell me that."
"Want to spar?"
His question caught me off guard
"What?"
"Do you want to spar, it usually clears your head."
"Umm . . . Okay. . . I suppose"
I got my gloves and we both got into defensive positions. At this stage our styles of fighting were so similar it was as if we just placed a mirror in front of ourselves and began to fight it! We traded hits - me favouring side kicks to the gut and the odd roundhouse while he executed front kicks, the odd axe kick and a jab or punch thrown into the mix. Our hits were mainly making contact with our arms as we kept our bodies well protected. I knew I would have killer bruises tomorrow but I reasoned better my arms than my internal organs as Dimitri's hits were taking an uncomfortable mountain of strength behind them. I don't know how long we were fighting, a long time I'd say because I was starting to tire when Dimitri started hitting harder, anger radiating off him. I opened my mouth to ask him what was up but my jaw got knocked out of place by a roundhouse kick aimed for the side of my face. Shit I'd completely let down my guard. This thought had barely registered with me when I got a powerful sidekick to the stomach. It all happened in a matter of seconds. The next thing I knew I was kneeling on the ground with blood pouring out of my mouth, two of my front teeth on the floor in front of me and a strong desire to throw up.
"Roza are you all right?"
I tried to open my mouth and tell him I was fine but I started to choke. I had a searing pain in my jaw and couldn't move it and I needed to vomit. Shit he had broken my fucking jaw!
"Roza, please answer me" he pleaded - I remained silent.
Dimitri picked me up bridal style and ran to the infirmary. We were there in seconds. I briefly wondered if the infirmary was purposely so close to the gym?
"What's Rose - Marie doing back in here so soon?"
"Emmm I think I may have broken her jaw? She got a nasty kick to the stomach as well."
The Dr. checked me over and x-rayed my jaw - yup broken. I was so going to kill him when I got the chance. I was put in a hospital gown because they needed to hook me onto drips and stuff to feed me. As if that wasn't bad enough I was informed I had internal bleeding but they had yet to locate exactly where. I was asked all the normal questions including if there was any possibility I was pregnant. I hastily replied no - I think she thought I was lying. They left shortly after that and Dimitri entered my room.
"Roza, I am so sorry. I swear I didn't mean it. I just kinda lost control and didn't realise you wanted to stop. I'm sorry, please forgive me?"
I just looked at him. It's not as if I could actually speak, moan - yes , speak - no, although I wonder if maybe my eyes let him in on my emotions - his most certainly showed me that his apology was sincere.
An awkward silence filled the room. I knew Dimitri thought I blamed him. In truth, I didn't really. I knew something was up - I shouldn't have let my guard down. Dimitri left soon after saying something about Adrian. In reality, I knew he had just left to go wallow in his self-inflicted guilt. What could I say? I couldn't speak! Thankfully it wasn't long before Adrian came to visit.
"Little Dhampir, what were you thinking?"
"Hmph?"
"Here. Dimitri said you couldn't speak so I bought you a pen and some paper."
Wow that was a good idea. I wonder who came up with it? I was tempted to ask but couldn't have been bothered!
I wasn't thinking I guess (all italics has been handwritten by Rose)
"You know in future when your sparring him you might want to remember that you are no longer the only guardian with spirit induced darkness."
Oops I had completely forgotten about that seeing as Lissa was no longer using Spirit due to her pregnancy. Wait pregnancy - where did that come from?
I decided to follow my instincts is Lissa pregnant?
Adrian just looked at me gob smacked!
"Emmm yea, barely. How do you know? I only know from her aura, in fact she might not even know!"
Oh she knows, she's stopped using spirit. The answer just floated into my subconscious.
"So you haven't been checking in n her lately?"
No point she'd know and be even more pissed off with me.
"Rose she's not pissed, she's upset. She'll get over it."
Our conversation, or rather communication, whatever, was cut short by the Dr. gracing us with her presence.
"Lord Ivashkov, I'm afraid I need to talk with Rose in private for awhile, if you don't mind leaving."
I rapped on the table to get the Dr.'s attention to read my request
I wish for Adrian to remain.
"Very well, Guardian Hathaway, Lord Ivashkov you may remain.
Will I stop here? Nah you've all been such good readers/ reviewers I'll reward you and keep going :) (don't you all really love me?)
APOV
"Rose, I regret to inform you that the internal bleeding is quite serious and that you may not be able to bear any more children. Even if you do concieve the likelyhood of the pregnancy going full term is miniscule. I'm sorry. Oh and you have fractured your pelvis also. I'll leave you in peace now. Don't hesitate to call me if you need me or have any questions." with that she left and tears started cascading down Rose's cheeks.
"Rose, honey are you okay?" stupid question I know but what else could I say?
Rose didn't respond, but that may have been due to the brace she was in after breaking her jaw. At I loss of words - I was WAY out of my depth - I just sat on a stool beside her bed and held her hand. Once again she failed to respond but I knew I couldn't just leave her as a lesser man might have. It wasn't long before Dimitri with Lissa in tow - much to my surprise- arrived.
"Rose, I'm sorry. Adrian move" she snapped at me. I hadn't the heart to retort to her behaviour when I saw the tears streaming down her face. I moved because I knew she wanted to get closer to Rose to heal Rose.
DPOV
I had brought Mason to the playground. It was too long since we'd had some father-son bonding time , as he reminds me so much of Roza. I was suddenly pulled into Adrian's mind
"Even if you do conceive the likelihood of lasting nine months is miniscule"
Shit Roza was never going to be able to forgive me, hell I'll never be able to forgive myself. I called Mason over to me. It was time to go home, or to leave the playground at any rate.
I had tried to ring Lissa but she hadn't answered. I hoped I would be able to met her in person and maybe even rope Christian into minding Mason - they would have great fun together - who am I kidding, Christian will kill me. Oh well these things have to be endured. Thankfully Lissa was at home. One look at my face and she pulled me into a bear hug.
"Dimitri what's wrong?"
I told her about my day in a couple of seconds. Despite her differences with Roza she insisted on accompanying me to the infirmary to heal Roza - or to try her best. Christian of course got landed with Mason but he didn't seem to mind. Maybe him and Roza like each other more than they let on!
RPOV
I couldn't believe it. Dimitri would be devastated - particularly seeing as he'll blame himself, which is just what I need - two of my male companions blaming themselves for something I should have been able to prevent. Adrian clearly had had no idea what to do so he just held my hand. I felt comforted by this but was too emotionally drained to physically respond. I was still in shock. I was, however, shocked out of my stupor when Dimitri arrived - with Lisa. I suppose Adrian had let down his mental barriers but Lissa's were much stronger - even while she was pregnant. Lissa started to work her magic, or spirit, whatever, and in no time I felt back to rights. Although I could not push away a nagging feeling that all was not as it should be.
I was discharged shortly after as I had been healed. Unfortunately there was no way of knowing if Lissa had healed my possible infertility or not other than to try conceive and even then with Dimitri being restored -twice- and me being brought back to life - again - there was no way of knowing what the consequences were. I also had to go to the dentist because Lissa couldn't heal my teeth. As a result I now had to wear braces for at least six months! I was totally pissed off! Thankfully Lissa was now back talking to me. Sure, we weren't as close as we used to be but at least she now acknowledges me and I feel more comfortable in her home - this also meant that I was open to Christian's comments about my 'train-tracks'. On more than one occasion I was tempted to knock one (or more) of his teeth out, maybe even a fang but I knew it wouldn't be worth it. Christian would probably take it in good sport but a pregnant hormonal Lissa - not a chance in hell I would get away with it! I was also becoming more comfortable working alongside Dimitri but I noticed he has taken to behaving in strict Guardian mode at all times. I realised it was now time to talk to him, before I lost him.
We were off duty at six. I approached Dimitri and asked if he was available this evening because I needed to talk to him. He looked at me for a few moments before agreeing to come over at seven. I collected Mason from Adrian's and was pleasantly surprised as Jill was back on the scene. While I was happy for Adrian I did not want to be put in this position again and did not want Mason exposed to this part of Adrian's carefree, party lifestyle. I had thought he had grown up!
"Oh hey Rose"
"Hey Jill" I replied hesitantly "Is Adrian around?"
"Yea, he's just in the kitchen getting a drink"
Thankfully they were both fully dressed.
"So Adrian, what's the story?"
"Well she's on mid -term and . . . .we're back together. . ."
"That's great, does Lissa know?"
"Yea she's not happy but there's little she can do about it."
"Just as long as I don't get in trouble. Speaking of trouble where's Mase?"
"Upstairs, asleep. You can leave him there if you want."
"It's okay Adrian, thanks but I'll take him with me. You enjoy your night with Jill and don't get her knocked up"
"If you say so Little Dhampir, although your probably only jealous" he winked at me.
"In your dreams, Ivashkov"
"Oh every night, Little Dhampir".
I left Adrian's slightly disappointed. I had intended on asking Adrian to baby-sit him but I couldn't ask him to give up his night with Jill. I also didn't want to give him to Christian again. I would just have to try and keep my temper in check later so. Maybe Mason being at home wasn't such as bad idea.
Dimitri knocked on the door of my small two bedroom apartment at seven o' clock on the dot. I had tided up, so that meant that the kitchen and sitting room were presentable. On pure chance my bedroom was clean but I doubted that would matter - it was Dimitri after all. Mason, I had learned had gotten supper in Adrian's and was more than willing to just go back to sleep. This had left me with a little time to myself in which I made myself presentable, with my hair freshly brushed and face washed. I knew Dimitri probably wouldn't even notice but I convinced myself I only wanted to freshen myself up so I could deal with him in a clear state of mind. That was it a clear state of mind.
Will I stop here? Nah you've all been such good readers/ reviewers I'll reward you and keep going :) (don't you all really love me?)
I welcomed him in and put on the kettle. I had recently taken a liking to tea - strong with three sugars and milk. I also made Dimitri hot chocolate with two sachets - that's the secret. And our conversation commenced. I'm not one for beating around the bush so I started as I meant to go on.
"Dimitri, I love you, I really do. But faced with the idea f marriage . . . .I just don't know what to do, what to feel.. . . . . . .I know you love me and I love you too, I really do but I can't help wondering if I actually love you or if I fell in love with the idea of loving you. . . .adding Mason into the equation even confuses things more. I'll be honest, I'm lost and I just don't know where I am, or how to find myself and until I can . . . . I dunno. . I just can't accept your marriage proposal or even attempt any sort of relationship with you.. . . .. . .I'm sorry, believe me I am. . . ."
There was a brief silence as Dimitri absorbed what I had said, it was an awkward silence. I guess he thought I wanted to talk about things and at the end agree to marry him. I felt bad but surely this was better, being let down now rather than when we were actually married?
"so that's it. You brought me over here to tell me that you don't want me in your life. After all I've given up for you, you don't want me. Still I suppose it could have been worse, couldn't it you could have just left it. You could have told me this as soon as you realised it rather than draw it out so long. You didn't have to bring me over here. . .to get my hopes up. I really thought you'd actually marry me, what an ass am I?"
"Dimitri. . . . .."
"What Rose, you going to tell me that you haven't known this would be your decision for awhile now? Do you honestly expect me to think that you only came to this conclusion today?"
"No Dimitri I don't but I've been thinking so much about it all lately, to ensure that I'm making the right decision - not rushing into everything, wasn't that always one of your zen lessons? To think before you act? Well now I have so don't come complaining to me! And I'm not saying that I don't want you, that I don't love you, I'm saying I'm just not ready for any romantic relationships, not yet."
"OF course not, let me guess you want to go play the field?" he sneered.
"No Dimitri I do not want to 'go play the filed', I want to get my head back together. I did plenty of playing the field when I was younger.!
!But you didn't did you? You were a virgin"
"Yes I was, you going to hold that against me?"
"OF course not"
"then why did you bring it up?"
"To contradict you"
"Why is that so important to you?"
"Why is what so important for me?"
"Always having to be right"
"It's not"
"Well the why did you contradict me?"
"Fine if it means so much to you I'll take it back"
"don't bother. I guess I should be happy that you don't see me as have been a slutty teenager . ."
"I never said that"
"Excuse me?"
"I never said you weren't a slutty teenager. Face it Rose you were. Just because you were mine doesn't mean I didn't see you as the slutty teenager you were. You were the only student to even try to get it on with a teacher or Guardian. You also had an outrageously slutty wardrobe. Face it just because you didn't sleep around doesn't mean you weren't slutty"
"well you never used to have a problem with my personality, what changed your mind?"
"Nothing changed my mind but seeing as we don't have a future together there's no harm in saying it now is there?"
"What do you mean we don't have a future together?"
"Emmm we don't have a future together. You've rejected me again. I get the message crystal clear Rose. Crystal clear. I won't be bothering you again we can work out something with Mason via Adrian."
And he left. I couldn't believe it. He just left. He insulted me and just left. It was hard to process. I felt like a zombie. I went to bed, the undrank tea and hot chocolate still on the kitchen counter.