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She's Gonna Break Soon

"You lied to her?" Dean smirks

"What was I supposed to do, you heard her today. I'm worried about her. I want to keep an eye on her" his face etched with concern.

Deans look turns more understanding "Yeah, I know Sammy." His sincerity only lasts for a few seconds and he becomes uncomfortable with the seriousness. "She's not taken my bed."

I lay my bag on the couch and decided to watch TV. Dean is lying on one bed and Sam on the other so I sit next to Sam. Sam looks at me. "How are you doing?" He asks not in the "whatsup" kind of way, but in the "are you gonna off yourself?" kind of way.

I can't tell him how I really feel. I hate letting people see my emotions. It makes me feel so naked. I know that if I want him to leave me alone I have to pretend to be alright so I smile "Yeah, I'm fine".

They are watching some stupid action movie. I realize that it is Thursday and a little past 9.

"Can I have the remote?" I look at Dean. He looks at me, then shrugs and hands me the remote. "Thanks" I add wrapped with a smile.

"What are we watching?" Sam asks.

"You'll see" I say.

I put the TV to the right channel "I should've known" he laughs.

"What is this?" Dean asks completely out of the loop.

"You've never seen the Office?" I'm in pure shock. He shakes his head. "Oh My God! It's only the best show on television." I

Dean laughs "Well I'm sorry I don't have time for TV shows. I'm busy with work."

"What do you do?" I ask thinking that it was a harmless question. Dean gave Sam a look like he didn't know what to say. "Uhhh…I.. I'm…a detective." He says the last part with a smile, like it will convince me that he is telling the truth. Yeah right.

"Uh huh." I say suspiciously as I get up off the bed. "Where are you going?" Sam sounds curious.

"I'm taking a shower." I laugh at his over protectiveness. "Is that okay with you?" I say sarcastically.

He laughs. "Shut up"

"Hey don't use all the hot water!" Dean shouts

"Wow, she almost seemed normal" Dean says shocked. He turns to Sam "Are you buyin' it?"

Sam shook his head "Not for a second" his voice soft.

I shut the bathroom door, lean against it and let out a deep breath. I shake off my emotions quickly and turn on the shower. When the heat is to my liking I discard my clothes and step in. As I let the water wash off my day I let my real emotions seep through, the ones that I was hiding from Sam. I start to cry and I am soon filled with anger. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. My hands start to fidget and I get nervous. I try to hold them still. They won't stay still. Soon I don't want them to. I want to relax. I want to feel the release.

I grab the razor out of my makeup bag. I don't think twice before I press it do my wrist and forcefully glide it across my skin. I see the blood flowing and smiles as I feel the release. I do it a couple more times before I stop and get out of the shower.

I dry off, put band aids on the cuts that haven't stopped bleeding, and put on a pair of white pajama shorts and a long sleeved navy blue shirt. I look in the mirror and prepare myself for stepping into the room.

When I open the door I see Sam and Dean have fallen asleep on their beds and realize that I have been in the shower for much longer than I thought. I stand there awkwardly for a second. I look around and wonder if I should sleep on the couch. I know Sam won't mind if I sleep on his bed, and after I get close to the awful smelling couch I decide that the bed is the right choice. I pull back the covers and carefully slide into the bed trying not to wake Sam. I close my eyes and soon fall asleep.

I wake up to the smell of bacon. I look over to the kitchen area and see Sam and Dean eating breakfast. I put on a fake smile and get up.

"That smells amazing" I exclaim hungrily.

"Thanks" Dean says. "I made an early morning grocery run." He makes me a plate with pancakes, bacon, and home fries.

"Yumm" I say as he hands me the plate. I take a big bite of pancakes. "This tastes so good." I say with a smile. Sam gives me a questioning look.

"What?" I ask.

He shakes his head tying to ignore whatever he was thinking "Nothing."

"Hey" Dean directs to Sam "Are we going to go do those…errands?" Sam looks confused so Dean gives him strong look. "Oh yeah" Sam says "listen Jen, Dean and I have to go take care of some…business." I look at Dean who is nodding his head.

I know their is something they are not telling me, but decide not to question it "Okay. Is everything alright?" I ask. "Yeah, everything's fine" Sam assures me "nothing to worry about."

"Okay" I say once again with a big fake smile. "You guys can head out. I'll clean up the dishes."

"No, we got it." Sam opposed.

"I mean it." I said getting up and picking up their dishes. "Now Go." I threw a dish towel at them grinning.

"Fine, We'll go." Dean says having no problem with not having to clean up. Sam follows Dean towards the door but turns around and looks at me uneasy "You okay Jenny?"

"Yea, I'm fine." I try to sound genuine. This must have worked cus he accepted the answer.

"Bye Guys"

"Bye"

The door shuts and I drop the plates on the counter. I slowly unscrew the smile form my face and take a deep breath. I let it out. I wipe off my fake happiness only to be left with rage and distress. I start breathing roughly. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack, I need to let out my frustration. I look down at the plates that I put on the counter. I pick one up in my hands and throw it against the wall with a scream.

Through my teary eyes I see the pieces shatter and I feel a release. I laugh sickly and pick up another plate, then another, and another. Soon there are no plates left. I see the paintings on the wall and go for them. I throw each picture and smash the frames. Then I throw everything in my path. Clothes, books, the phone, I even tip over the small coffee table. I am running across to get to the lamp and I trip over the phone. I smash my head into the corner of the coffee table I had thrown but only smile at the large amount of blood that I see when I touch my hand to the wound at my hairline.

When there is nothing left to throw I kick some things around before I collapse in the middle of the room in frustration, and begin to drown in my own sorrows. I cradle my head in my hands and feel the blood flow through my hands.

I know what I have done. I had gone back to my old ways, hiding my true feelings so they build up inside, the cutting, and the tantrum throwing.

I cradle my head in my hands, getting blood on my hands and down the arm of my shirt, and think of Jess. How disappointed she must be in me. How I let her down. I think of how mad Sam is going to get at me. He won't get rid of me right? What if he takes off with his brother and leaves me. I sulk in all my worst fears and weep until I am close to loosing consciousness, partly from being tired, and partly from the blood loss

I hear the door open and look up at Sam "I'm not okay." I whisper thru my tears just loud enough that he can hear.

He and Dean look around the room in awe of the mess I had created but their eyes seem to land on the bigger mess, me. Their faces are full of astonishment and concern.

Sam seems to be frozen but Dean, quickly realizing the seriousness of the situation, walks up to me. He picks me up and places me on the bed, sitting me up against the headboard. He then starts to observe my wounds.

"Hey what happened?" He sounds surprisingly caring. I shake my head in response, not wanting to talk. "Did you cut your hand?" Dean says seeing the blood on the arm of my shirt.

He looks over my hand and after not finding a cut looks at my head. "Sam get the first aid kit" Sam just keeps looking at me.

"Sam!" he came out of his daze and turns for the door.

"Sammmm" I whine, sitting up and reaching for him.

"It's okay" Dean soothes grabbing my hands "he'll be right back Jenny." He lowers me back on the bed.

When Sam comes back in he hands Dean the first aid kit "Should we take her to the hospital?" Sam asks.

"No, It's not that bad, it just looks it. It probably just needs to be stitched up and iced."

"Samm" I whimper. "No needles" He looks to Dean then comes up next to me and takes my hand.

"Don't worry" he says gently "I'm right here"

I breathe in heavy and breathe out releasing more tears. "I'm sorry Sam. I'm so sorry."

"Heyyy" he says quieting me "You have nothing to apologize to me for."

"Maybe to the hotel owner" Dean says looking around the room, which earns him a look from Sam. "Sorry" he mumbles looking back down to the first aid kit.

Sam turns back to me "Just go to sleep Jen" he says trying to push my hair out of my face, which is hard because the blood matted it to my face but Sam keeps stroking my head not caring about the blood he gets on his hands.

Not having the strength to talk anymore, I nod my head and soon let the darkness take over.

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