Beatles 65
by RGoodfellow64
Chapter 2, I'm a Loser
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Disclaimer: Rather than repeat myself just see the long winded, short and sweet version at the beginning of Chapter 1.
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Of all the love I have won or have lost / There is one love I should never have crossed
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"Davidson," he said as he answered his phone. He listened for a few seconds and said, "No thanks Benny, not in the mood," before he disconnected the call.
He finally stopped going to her fathers house but only after she wasn't there any more. She was gone. She and her father left for somewhere and he had no idea where she was, he only knew that his calls no longer went to voice mail but were blocked. He could always call her from another phone but there was no use. She was gone.
One day he was visiting her in the hospital, helping her make arrangements for her release and the next he was out of the picture. No idea what he said or did to cause the change, just that she suddenly pulled away from him with no reason why, no explanation, nothing.
A month had gone by since she left the hospital and his life. An entire month without her. He'd gone longer than that before, he was in the Congo for six weeks earlier in the year and was in the Sudan from early December through New Years. She never had a problem with that till the trip to Haiti a few months later and he canceled that one. He stayed for her. He made a sacrifice for her, a big sacrifice, but it obviously wasn't enough.
He looked at the letter on the coffee table in front of him, Doctors Without Borders wanted him back, but he had no ambition, no desire to go. This surprised him as he always felt a thrill at the thought of going to another country and helping those in need. It was one of the things that she…Kate. "Kate. Dammit her name is Kate!" he said aloud as he continued to think about the strange turn his life had taken.
He looked at a photo on the corner of the TV stand. He and Kate in their leathers and sitting on their bikes, big smiles on their faces as they looked into each other's eyes. Every time he looked at that photo he wondered where that love went, or did she ever really love him at all?
He remembered the time before his Sudan trip. It was his last night before he left and he'd been working two weeks straight. They'd only had time for a few phone calls because of their jobs and it was the first time they had to be together. He'd been looking forward to a proper send off but instead they were sitting on the bed looking at her laptop when the phone rang. He was calling and she immediately left to work on the case. When she finally returned to her apartment, he was getting ready to leave for the airport.
Josh looked at the photo and thought of all the other times when she was called away by her so-called partner. When she would up and leave him high and dry, she didn't even make the Valentines dinner date he'd planned, although she did try to make up for it later. Still, now that he started to think about it, there didn't seem to be as much caring for him as he had for her.
He looked at the photo on the TV stand again and this time looked at his own face. You could easily see as he gazed at her how wide the iris in his eyes were. He was definitely into her.
Then he looked closely at her face and saw the difference. She was happy, and you can clearly see she was having fun, but looking at her eyes he saw her iris' were much smaller than his.
He was getting nowhere and needed to relax; he picked up the remote control and turned on the TV. Flipping channels, he finally stopped at one of those entertainment shows. Good. Nothing to think about, just mindless chatter about people who think they're important.
He watched for a few minutes when suddenly his name was mentioned. Josh sat up straighter in his chair and turned up the volume to hear what the reporter was saying.
"…ard Castle's newest book, 'Heat Rises' will be on store shelves this September, less than two months from now and the pre-publication sales are through the roof! Mr. Castle however hasn't been seen much as he is still working with the NYPD to find the person who shot Detective Katherine Beckett, the officer who inspired Nikki Heat…"
He turned off the volume. He stared at the cover of the new book and recalled how upset Kate sounded when she complained that the woman on the cover was nude. Thinking back on it Josh recalled that she always had one of his books, usually the Nikki Heat books, on her nightstand, and the bookcase in her bedroom was filled with his books. There had to be over twenty of them by the looks of it.
He looked at the photo again and sighed. He never stood a chance and she didn't even tell him why, but somehow he knew.
He was off for the next three days and maybe he needed to get out. He picked up his phone, pressed a few buttons and waited a moment listening to a phone ring. When it was answered he said, "Hey Benny, I changed my mind."
A few minutes later he was putting on his leather jacket and heading to the door. He looked at the photo by the TV one more time, part of him wishing he'd never met her and the other wishing beyond anything he'd ever wished for that they were still together.
He reached for the doorknob and thought how hard it was going to be to get over her, but maybe if he drank enough tonight it would be a start.
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AUTHORS NOTE: I have always thought that Josh had stronger feelings for Kate than she did for him, especially after the dirty bomb incident; after all, as season 3 progressed, it wasn't only Castle who was upset when Josh called and interrupted a Caskett 'moment'.