Beatles 65
by RGoodfellow64
Chapter 6, I'll Be Back, part 2
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Disclaimer: Ok, once again, not mine. None of it, except all the words written below not by Lennon and McCartney
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This time, I will try to show that I'm / Not trying to pretend
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'Press the button Kate, just press the damn button!' The moment she thought the words, she flicked her hand over the screen and his name disappeared. That was the fourth time in just this morning that she had tried to call him.
She had been trying to call him when she was at her dad's place in the city and every day since she came here to the cabin.
Every.
Single.
Day.
No matter when it was, no matter how much she needed to speak to him, every time she tried to call him she didn't. Her heart needed him so much, so very much, but her mind, her stupid, uptight, rigid mind just won't let her.
She wasn't about to hit her head with her hand again, it scared her father when he caught her so angry at herself, but she sure wanted to, again and again and again. What was it with her mind that refused to listen to the rest of her? Maybe that therapist the department told her to see can help her there? She shook her head no. She'd been in therapy before and knew the routine, just act like you're fine, don't let them rattle you, and you get a clean bill of health.
A clean bill of health, yeah, right. She's so messed up she can't even call the man who loves her.
He loves her.
Richard Castle loves her.
She's read every book her father brought from her apartment and even the couple she'd forgotten were at his place, and she'd stared at his photo on the back of every one.
It's the Nikki Heat books though, the photo of him on them that she stares at the most, because that's her Richard Castle. The earlier photos are the one who belonged to Meredith or Gina, but the Nikki Heat Castle photos, they belong to her.
Because he loves her, and that was really the only reason she had to continue to fight. The bullet took so much out of her, but Castle…Rick…Castle was why she never gave up, why she fights as much as she does to get well, because he deserves so much more than a broken woman.
That bullet took more from her than she ever dreamed. She turned from the porch and walked to her bedroom, closing the door behind her and making sure the blinds were closed. Turning on the light on the dresser, she slowly took off her shirt and then took off the tee shirt she wore underneath.
She had forced herself to raise her arms despite the pain, in the beginning horrendous pain, but she fought against it, because each little victory brought her that much closer to Castle. To being able to face him as Kate Beckett, not this broken thing the sniper made of her.
She removed her bra and looked at the scar on her chest. Then she turned and looked at the one on her side. Unbidden, tears began to fall and she again wallowed in the 'why's' and 'what if's' that her life had become.
No matter how much she healed herself, no matter how much therapy the department demanded of her, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be able to erase the scars that the bullet and resulting operation caused.
She had dreamed of being with him, of his hands roaming her body, of those wonderful kisses they shared that one night sneaking up on Lockwood. She dreamed of those kisses all over her body, of his exploration and…and looking at herself through the tears she wondered how any man would ever want to touch her, to look at her, at her scarred, ugly body.
She'd wasted the time. All that time trying to prove that she wasn't wrong to be with Josh was a waste. She finally understood that when Josh continued to argue with her about Castle. When she first woke up and became aware after her shooting, still groggy from the drugs they'd given her, and then every day after whenever he stopped to see her. She became tired of it, and even more, tired of him until she finally told Josh to simply leave and not come back.
She never told Josh she would call him, but she did tell Castle. Yet she still hasn't called and still can't. Something holds her back and she wonders if the scars on her body mimic the scars on her heart, on her mind, on her soul.
She looked down on the dresser to his book and gazed at his photo on the back cover. "He deserves so much more than me," she whispered to herself, "but I love him too. I love him so much and have for a long time." Then she thought of all the times she could have been with Castle but instead went with Josh, even thinking that his decision to stay and not go to Haiti gave them a chance when she already knew he had none. It was always Castle and she somehow always knew it.
What kind of a woman does that to a man? Two men!
Then there were the walls. The walls it has taken her years to acknowledge even existed, but they do. The walls she wrapped around herself when her mother died. Her mother.
That was the biggest wall of all. How can she deserve to be happy? How can she deserve to be loved when her mother was dead and no one else wanted to know why? When the person who ordered her death was still walking free while she was a prisoner.
The earlier fears she felt towards Castle, those are gone. He said 'Always', and he has shown that he meant it. No other man would do what he did. No other man she's ever known supported her, helped her and even loved her the way Castle…Rick has.
Richard Castle loves her and though she still has a hard time admitting it, she loves him too. She wants what he said she deserves that night in her apartment. That night he…
Those words she said to him. Those horrible, hateful words and yet he stayed. He stayed and proved he will be there for her. "Always," she whispered to herself, he said it and he meant it and she wants it. Wants it so bad that it hurts more than the scars on her body. More than the bullet that almost killed her. More than all the pain she has caused him over the years.
She reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone to call him. To let him know she feels the same way he does. To tell him that she needs him, desperately needs him in her life. But like always, when his number came on the screen, she simply stopped. Why was it so hard to put her thumb on the call button and speak to him? Why?
She looked at herself in the mirror and cringed at the scars, wondering if once he saw them he could ever look at her the same way again. If he could ever love her…but he said he would, he said 'Always,' and he meant it.
Feeling too broken to talk to anyone, she flicked her hand across the screen and his name disappeared again. The fifth time just this morning.
She slowly dressed herself again and walked out to the kitchen, staring at his photo on the back of 'Naked Heat'. 'Maybe after lunch I'll feel better,' she thought to herself. She'll call him then.
Softly, knowing no one was there but her, but still hesitant, she spoke out loud the words she'd only thought before.
She smiled back at the photo and said, "I love you too Rick. I love you too, and I'll prove it to you soon."
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AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter takes place the same day as chapter 5. Why didn't she call him? What really held her back? I guess that still is in the mind of Andrew Marlow, but I think the scars she carries, both physical and emotional, held her back. She may have had a small scar or two before, but now she has a terrible scar along her side and probably even more damaging, the one on her chest. These helped to compound the emotional ones she was already carrying.
Just another observation, after re-reading I noticed that Kate seems to be all over the place here emotionally. When I said that to my muse her response was, "Yeah…and your point is?" Because that is how I see her during those three months, an emotional basket case, flipping from one reason to another but all leading to the same conclusion…not calling Castle.