Beatles 65
by RGoodfellow64
Chapter 7, I'll Be Back, part 3
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Disclaimer: Not even going to imagine owning anything but my own words. Check chapter 1 for details.
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I'm the one who wants you / Yes I'm the one who wants you…
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"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."
His eyes were cold. They looked like he didn't care, but also that he did care. Maybe it was because he looked so tired. Bone tired. The kind of tired that never lets you sleep. She could understand that, she felt that type of tired all the time.
She had been debating with herself since she found out yesterday that he wasn't at the precinct any more, and that he would be doing a book signing today. Do I just walk up and act as if nothing happened? Do I call him first? Do I show up at his apartment? What do I do?
She could see he was trying to look like himself, and this might work for most people, but she knew him better than anyone else, at least she thought she did, and he wasn't just exhausted physically, he was completely drained emotionally. There was no light in his eyes. There was no life in his eyes.
However, there was anger. There was sadness. There was hurt, and for a brief moment, relief and happiness showed through. But only for a moment. If she hadn't been staring at him with such hope herself she never would have seen it.
He looked down at the book in his hands and wrote on the cover, 'To Kate. Rick Castle.' Then handed it back to her saying, "Thank you for coming."
She opened her mouth to say something…what, she didn't know, but anything to speak to him but he looked around her and said, "Next." Completely dismissing her.
She was shocked. She was hurt. This was not how she expected this meeting to go but then as she slowly walked away from him, she understood that she never had any real expectations other than wanting to see him.
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"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."
He looked up and couldn't believe it was actually her, and for a moment, just a single moment, he simply was happy to see her. That changed almost instantly.
'You can make it out to Kate?' he thought to himself. What does she want with him? Hasn't she hurt him enough? Hasn't she done enough to prove to him that she doesn't want him? That she doesn't need him? That he is nothing to her?
He barely looked at her face as he took in the fact that she was actually there and looking like she was fully healed. His eyes narrowed as thought came, thinking again how Josh had taken care of her in her time of need.
Without another word, he simply signed the book in the most generic way possible, and handed it back to her. "Thank you for coming," he said and looked behind her to the next person in line.
She stood there for another few seconds and he looked up at her again. Seeing the look of confusion and hurt on her face, he steeled himself to keep from letting her get to him again, purposely looked around her and said, "Next."
After a false start, she turned and walked away. As she did, he let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding, and then concentrated on the woman in front of him. He was not going to think about Beckett again. He was not going to allow her to ruin his time with his fans. He hoped that she got the message and left, and looking up past the woman who was gushing how much she loved his books, he saw that Beckett had exited the store.
He sighed again, gave the woman a brief yet unfelt smile, and handed her book back. He then turned to the next in line and called, "Next." The afternoon was going to be longer than he'd originally thought, yet at the same time, he was glad he was here, and not having to face her.
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That was not the way she planned it at all! Nothing went the way she thought it would. She would smile at him and he would smile back at her, happy to see her again and ready to be her partner. She was still shocked at the way he behaved, at the way he simply dismissed her, almost as if he'd dismissed her from his life.
'No, that's not possible,' she thought to herself. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't do that. He said 'Always' and he said he loved me.
Still, she walked away with no idea where she wanted to go, yet had the presence of mind to ask the young man at the counter when the signing was scheduled to end. She had two more hours to wait. Two hours. She could do that. She could do that easily. She would wait for him and talk to him when there weren't people all around.
She would do this. They would do this. She walked out of the store and seeing the line of people waiting to have their books signed to her left, she turned to the right and leaned up against the side of the building. She would wait here away from the crowd, and when he came out, they would talk. They had to talk. She needed them to talk.
Kate put her head back against the cement wall and sighed. She was such a mess.
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He kept looking for her, not in an obvious way, but his eyes searched the store as he continued to sign books. He didn't see her anywhere around and felt torn. Part of him wanted her to be there, waiting for him. Part of him needed to know she cared enough to do that, and yet the other part was feeling vindicated. She proved that she didn't care by not staying, by not trying harder to talk to him. By not staying right here in front of him where she could let him know he was important to her.
The vindication won out as he felt she probably snuck away from Josh to come here, and didn't have the courage to tell him to his face, so she just ran and hid again. That had to be it. You don't do these things; play these kinds of games when you really care about another person.
He quietly sighed to himself. Paula was happy that he added these extra signings, and was thrilled that he was making an effort to be upbeat for his fans…but he still felt hurt and betrayed.
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She heard his voice at first and her heart stuttered. He was coming out now, the signing was over and now it was finally going to happen. Now she was finally going to talk to him, let him know, make him understand. And then, in the corner of her eye he was there, shaking hands, being the outgoing, extroverted and friendly man she knew him to be. Caring of others, and making sure they knew he appreciated them.
She felt his movement stop the second he saw her, but then felt a chill as he paused a moment then hurried on past her.
He was walking away! He was almost running away. She couldn't let this happen; she couldn't let him go like this. "Castle, wait!"
But he just kept on walking. "I did. Three Months. You never called." She couldn't believe how cold his voice was.
"Look, I know you're angry…"
He stopped. He stopped! Thank God, he stopped. "Oh you're damn right, I'm angry!"
She just talked. She didn't know what she said, she just responded to his words and his anger. She did remember him spitting out Josh's name and she wondered why. She hadn't seen him in months. Not realizing how annoyed she sounded, she told him that she and Josh broke up.
She had no idea how they got there, but they were sitting on swings and talking.
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"Oh you're damn right, I'm angry!"
He turned around and faced her, his anger bubbling up and unable to be contained. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you…"
Damn! He almost said 'Love', and he can't go there now. Not now when he's so angry with her, not now when he suspects that she actually did hear him that day. Not now when he's finally settled on realizing that she doesn't want him the way he wants her.
"…someone you care about?" he said instead.
Kate looked at him as if she knew what he was originally going to say, "I told you I needed some time."
'Oh good', he thought, the anger is back again. "You said a few days."
"I needed more."
Just what his anger needed to hear. Pouring gasoline on a raging fire wouldn't have as much effect on him as those words. Preparing to walk away again, he spit out, "Well you should have said that."
As he walked away from her she spoke and it made him stop. Why? Why didn't't he just go, walk away…run away if that's what it takes? What it takes to get away from her? Yet even as he questioned his actions, he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he can't truly walk away from her till he knows. Till he understands. Till he is aware of everything, and every reason why she simply disappeared from his life.
He has no idea how they got there, but they are sitting on swings and talking.
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AUTHORS NOTE: As this scene progressed when I watched Rise, I thought of how different they both were. She seemed to expect one thing from him and he seemed to want more from her…that she still didn't give him. Even though he is the author, it was her use of words that turned him around, and I wanted to show the emotions behind those words, behind those actions.