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Bittersweet Memories
"Jenny." I hear as a soft knock wraps on my bathroom door "It's me." Charlie informs as she opens the door and looks down at me sadly.
"I'm going to have to tell them, aren't I?" I ask as I sit up slowly from my place on the floor.
Charlie walks over next to me quietly, sliding down so she is sitting next to me with her back against the toilet. It is now when I notice the small brown bag she has in her hands. Completely forgetting my previous question I throw out another.
"What is that?"
"Something you need." She says quietly, placing the bag in my hands.
It feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. And I can't seem to stare at it long enough. After taking a deep breath I finally get up the courage to open the top of the bag for a peek. Once my eyes catch a glimpse of the white and purple box on the inside I immediately close it and shove it back into Charlie's hands.
"Maybe it's too soon for this. I mean I still could just be late." I am trying harder to convince myself than I am to convince her.
"Sweetie, I now this is hard, but you can't just ignore it. You have to deal with it." She places a comforting hand on my shoulder as she holds up the bag "Just take it. I'll be right here with you. I promise."
I bite my lip as I hear her plea. My head nods silently as I grab the bag from her hands. I follow the appropriate directions and place the white stick down on the counter, not worrying about the germs I am leaving on the porcelain.
As we wait for the three minutes to pass Charlie keeps a comforting grasp on my hands, letting me know that I am not alone right now. The time drags on through the silence, with neither of us daring to speak until it is ready.
"It should be done." Charlie informs me softly, looking up from her watch.
I nod my head as I watch the pregnancy test, praying softly for this to all just be some bad dream. I stand up carefully and Charlie gives my hand one last squeeze. I walk to the counter and pick the test up in my hands. My eyes see the small pink plus, the one that represents everything I was dreading, and my heart instantly drops. I let out a shaky breath as I turn around to Charlie.
"It's positive." I say, letting out a large and helpless cry.
Charlie immediately jumps up from her spot on the tub and wraps her arms around me, rubbing a soothing hand on my back as I fall apart in her arms.
"It's gonna be okay, Jenny Bean" She is trying to stay hopeful, but her voice falters, "We'll figure this out. You're gonna be okay."
"Push Jenn. Come on, you're doing so good." Sam says encouragingly as he lets me squeeze his hand tightly.
"Just a little longer." Dean encourages from the other side with a hand helping to support my back and another clutching my other hand..
"Ahhhh! Just please make it stop!" I cry through the panting and excruciating pain.
"One more push, Jenny." The doctor says, "You're almost there!"
"No please! Don't make me do it anymore! Please! I can't!" I cry, laying my head back onto the hospital pillow.
"Yes you can. Come on." Sam and Dean persuade as they pull me back up.
"You're almost done. Don't you want to meet your daughter?" Dean persuades as Sam puts a cool washcloth to my sweaty forehead.
"Ugh!" I cry, just wanting the pain to be over.
"Come on Jen. This is it. Push!" The doctor coaches as another contraction hits and I bear down with my chin to my chest, gritting my teeth.
"Ahhhhh!" I yell, grabbing their hands tightly as my body feels like it is being ripped in two.
"She's out!" The doctor smiles and I look down to see him holding her up. He doesn't even give her a wipe before he places her directly onto my chest. But once I see her little face and hands I don't even mind all of the blood as I pull her closer to me.
"Hey, baby girl." I cry, giving her a kiss on the head as happy tears pour down my face "You're so tiny!"
A doctor allows Sam to cut the cord before he takes her from my arms to the corner of the hospital room, giving her a good cleaning.
Sam smiles, getting a wet strand of hair out of my face and giving me a kiss on the forehead. "You did it Jen. She's beautiful. Just like her mom."
I hold onto Sam's hand which continues to cup my face, "I couldn't have done it without you…either of you." I say, turning towards Dean.
"Here you go momma." The Doctor exclaims happily, placing my daughter in my arms. She is bundled in a blanket and has a pink hat on her head, covering her light blonde hair.
"I'm so proud of you Jenny." Dean gives me a kiss on the cheek before placing a hand on the baby in my arms "Did you decide on a name for her yet?"
"Yea" I smile, looking into my daughter's beautiful blue eyes "Jessica…Jessica Lynn. What do you think?" I ask looking up to a beaming Sam and Dean.
"It's perfect." Sam says, tears rimming his eyes. I look back down at the little girl in my arms. Her blond hair is very thin and faint and as I bring my hand to her mouth she begins to suckle my pinkie finger gently.
"I don't know about the name." I hear someone say sardonically and I snap my head up.
The hospital room is now dark and Sam, Dean and the Doctor are nowhere in sight. I look down and I am relieved to see my daughter still secure in my arms. The voice comes from a shadowy part of the room where I can only see the outline of a figure.
"I mean, is it really that nice of a gesture?" Finally the figure comes to light. Her blond hair is perfectly waved as she steps out in a white nightgown.
"Jess…" I breathe out "You look beautiful."
"So this is my niece." There is an attitude of carelessness that doesn't remind me of Jess at all.
"I named her after you."
"I heard." She informs coldly, "Real nice by the way. Honor you're sister with you're bastard child."
"Wh…What?"
"Who is the father anyway? Oh, that's right." She smirks, "You don't know."
"What's happening?" I wonder out loud, shaking my head, "You're not my sister."
"I'll give you that one. I mean the little sister I left behind would never be stupid enough to get knocked up at sixteen. Nice one."
"Shut up." I cry, shaking my head.
"It's not my fault you turned into a slut. It's a shame because you had so much potential. But now you're just a big disappointment."
"Stop!" I yell.
"Mom and Dad hate you now too. Why wouldn't they. You're a little slut!"
"Stop it! Stop! Just stop!"
---
"STOP!"
I wake up in a cold sweat, similar to the one I had in my dream. Looking down I see no baby and, luckily as I place a hand on my stomach, no baby bump. I scoot up so now I am sitting up on my bed, with my back against the wall. My arms cradle around my legs as tears fall softly down my face.
It was almost two hours ago at seven o'clock when I finally worked up the courage to call the local clinic. And after hanging up the first time I made an appointment to take an official pregnancy test for tomorrow.
Tears come pouring down my eyes as I begin to choke on my own sobs. I just feel alone and scared. I really want to talk to Sam, but the thought of telling him scares me half to death.
How could this be happening? I'm only sixteen years old. I'm not even old enough to take care of myself and now I might have to take care of another human being. Someone so innocent, with no idea of what goes on in this horrible and messy world we live in.
I let out a shaky sob as tears begin to fall onto the bare of my legs, not covered by my black shorts.
Knock knock
"You okay, Jenny? I thought I heard you yelling."
I look up quickly to see Sam opening the door and sticking his head in with a smile. Seeing his face causes me to let out another giant sob, and he immediately becomes aware that I have been crying.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asks, coming quickly to me. He sit's down on the bed in front of me, his hands comfortingly on my knees.
I shake my head through my heavy cries. I can't tell him this. It will completely ruin him. Sam has done so much for me and I don't want him to feel like a failure.
"Jenny" He says strongly, cupping my cheek in his hands, "Are you okay?"
"N…no" I choke out through my heavy sobs.
"Then tell me what is wrong." His voice is so soft and gentle as his thumb caresses my cheek, wiping at my tears.
"I…I…You're gonna hate me." I cry, shaking my head.
"Hey, hey." Sam soothes, "I could never hate you."
"I hate me!" I yell, causing Sam to raise his head slightly, even more unsure and scared as to the subject of our conversation.
"I'm so sorry Sammy." I cry, "I let you down. I let everyone down!"
"Hey" He stops me with a hug. My crying face rests gently on his shoulder as he runs a strong hand up and down my back.
"It's okay, Jenny. It's all gonna be okay."
"How do you know that?" I question, unconvinced and helpless.
"You have Dean and me with you. And we are never going to let anything happen to you." He says with his forehead rested upon mine.
I nod my head, ready to get this off of my chest. Pulling back from the hug, his hands still rested on my knees, I look up into his chocolate colored orbs.
"I'm pregnant."
His face is slowly turning to one of horror and disbelief. The expression alone turns me back into a blubbery mess. Tears pour down my cheeks as I can see him pull his hands back from my knees and process this information. He stands up from the bed, pacing back and forth while giving me glances of dismay.
"You…You can't. You've never…." His eyes are so lost, like he isn't sure what to believe.
"I'm so sorry." I cry, no longer able to look him in the eyes "I'm so so sorry."
He finally stops his pacing, standing directly in front of me, "Are you sure?"
"I took a test." I wrap my arms around the pit of my stomach, "It was positive."
"Well, maybe it's wrong. They can be wrong. You know that!" He grasps at straws as he refers to the situation that we both remember so well, when he and Jessica had a false alarm.
"I know." I cry, "I tried to tell myself that. But I'm late and I keep having these cramps, I'm vomiting, and I am peeing all the time!"
He shakes his head, letting out a few tears.
"I'm so sorry Sam. I didn't want this to happen. Please don't hate me." I say as hard sobs begin to wreak my body, "I'm so sorry."
I feel Sam sit back down on the bed and pull me into his chest roughly, allowing me fall apart in his arms. My back heaves as I choke on the hard sobs coming out of my mouth.
"Shhh…" He soothes and I can hear the cries from him as well, "It'll be okay. I promise."
"I didn't mean to." I cry, "Please…please don't hate me"
"Shhh…" Sam rubs my back gently and kisses the top of my head as he softly whispers through his tears, "I love you."
"How could you do this Jennifer?!" Dean asks looking down on me, "Who…Who did this to you? I want his name now!"
It is the question I was wondering myself. I have no idea. I pray that it's Ethan, but who knows. I bite me lip, wondering if I should just tell them that it's with out a doubt Ethan's baby. But if I do they are defiantly going to hunt him down and let him know, and knowing Ethan he would want to step up and raise the baby. That would then leave me with a man that may or may not be the father of a baby that I am too young to have. I can't lie. Feeling like a slut is bad enough, I don't want to add selfish liar to the list.
"I…I don't know." I sigh.
Sam and Dean both look at me curiously "What do you mean, you don't know?" Sam asks, scared.
"I…"
"Jenny, did someone…did they…" I can sense what Dean is alluding to.
"No!" I yell, "No, not that." My response gives Sam and Dean immediate relief.
"Well then who is the father?"
"I don't know." I cry, "But it might be Ethan."
"Ethan?!" Dean yells, "We bring him down here and this is how he repays us!"
"Dean!" Sam yells, before motioning back to a crying me, which causes Dean to calm down immediately.
"What do you mean it might be Ethan's?" Sam asks.
"Well…" Oh god. I think the thought of the actual childbirth maybe more appealing than this conversation. "There was this other guy…"
"Jennifer..." Sam sighs, disappointed "Who was it?"
"That guy from the hotel. The one I punched in the face."
"So you lied to us. You did sleep with him!" Dean and Sam both look visibly angry, Dean more so.
"I'm sorry." I cry, "It's just…Ethan had a new girlfriend and this guy let me talk to him about it. I didn't want to sleep with him, but we drank a little and well…"
"Oh God." Sam groans.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back. The guy was a pig. He…he started calling me a slut because I didn't want to sleep with him again the next morning."
"That's when you punched him?" Sam questions.
"I would have punched him!" Dean states.
"Please, Can we just deal with this tomorrow at the appointment? I just want to sleep." I say fed up and uncomfortable with the conversation. I don't want to have to think about this right now.
Sam and Dean defiantly want to talk more, but my exhausted and tear stained face must get them.
"Sure." Sam says coming over to help me up which I quickly do myself once I notice.
"I can walk by myself." I mumble.
"Stop fidgeting. You're making me nervous." I tell Sam and place a hand on his knee for a moment to stop it from jumping.
He looks up, obviously not aware of what he was doing and looks at me sheepishly, "Sorry"
"Were you this nervous with Jess?" I ask.
He thinks back to the time him and Jess had their scare, "Yea, pretty much."
"What about Jess?" I ask, catching him off guard, "Was she nervous?"
"Uh…Yea, She was. But don't you remember?" He asks.
I do remember, like it was yesterday. It was one of the scariest times of my life. I only lived with them for a year and figuring they wouldn't want to handle both a teenager and a baby I thought I might be hitting the road.
---FLASHBACK---
September 2004
I come home early from school, closing the door behind me. Usually I have to stay after for math class on Wednesdays, but I actually understand what we're learning this week.
I walk into the living room and place my messenger bag down onto the coffee table. I am about to call out for Sam and Jess, who should be home before their afternoon psychology class, when I hear them speaking loudly their bedroom. As I get closer to the door I can hear the conversation.
"Maybe it's wrong. I mean I'm not even that late."
"Can they even be wrong?"
"I don't know!" Jess huffs.
"Hey, it's okay. If you are pregnant we'll deal with it…together."
Pregnant. Jess is pregnant. Oh my god. They are going to be having a baby, a small person that depends on them and only them. Then where does that leave me? I can't expect them to take care of a moody teenager and a crying baby all at the same time. They're only twenty one for god sakes.
I go to my room and try to concentrate on my homework at my desk, not wanting to face them right now because there is no way they are going to tell me the truth about what is going on. I am in my room until they comeback from their psych class. They call out to make sure I got home and I respond shortly. In about half an hour Sam comes knocking on my door.
"Dinner's ready, Jenny."
"Can I eat in my room?" I ask, not looking up from my computer.
"Why. What you working on?" He comes further into my room, sitting down on my bed.
"It's one of those 'get to know you' essays the teachers just love to give out in the beginning of the school year." My smile is less than enthusiastic.
"Well, how about you come and have some dinner at the table and then I'll help you finish it." He offers.
"Hmm…" I say sneakily "Any chance that by help you mean do it for me?"
"Nice try." He says standing up "Now let's go."
I smile as I join him and walk into the kitchen where Jess is putting the pasta and salad on the table.
"Hey." She smiles as I sit down at the table and pulls on my ponytail lightly, "How was school?"
"It's school, so…well it sucked." I smile brightly as I put some salad on my plate and cover it with a little ranch dressing. "What about your day? Anything eventful happen with you guys?"
They give each other a small nervous glance from across the kitchen, and they must think I'm stupid because they think that I can't see it.
"Nope, nothing. What do you want to drink?" Sam asks, trying to change the subject.
"Diet coke, please." I say, watching as they act like they obviously have a secret. These two are so ridiculous. They can't keep a secret from anyone.
Sam brings over the sodas and him and Jess both sit down with me at the small round dinner table. Some endless and dumb conversation goes on for about fifteen minutes when it finally becomes to much for me to deal with.
"So are you guys going to tell me?" I cut them off in the middle of their conversation, causing them to both look at me curiously.
"Umm…Tell you about what?" Jess chuckles.
"About the baby." I say, causing Jess's smirk to clear up fast. Her and Sam both place down their silverware, looking at me curiously.
"How?…Have you been spying on us Jen?" Jess asks scared and defensive.
"No! I got home from school early and heard you in the bedroom. This is my house to you know!" I yell, offended that I am being accused of snooping, "Well for now at least." I sneer as I stand up from the table and walk towards my room.
---END FLASHBACK---
"Jennifer Jeurgens" I hear, causing me to slip out of my daze. I look to Sam and we both stand up, walking towards the nurse in purple scrubs. She takes my height and weight in the hallway before leading Sam and I to an exam room. After taking the normal routine information she pulls a gown and a small blue blanket out from the large drawer under the exam table.
"You're going to need to change into these. I'll give you some privacy." She informs me before leaving.
I glance up at Sam nervously. This all feels so surreal, and nothing is going to make it feel real. I just want to go home and not have to deal with any of this, ever.
"I can leave, Jen." Sam motions towards the door.
"No!" I grasp his hand, "Please don't go. Could you just…turn around?"
He nods and obliges to my needs. Once I have the gown on and tied in the back I sit down on the table, letting my legs dangle down off the side and the small blue blanket rest on my lap.
"You can turn back around." I inform him.
He turns around, walking back over to me and sitting in the chair next to me. We both sit in awkward silence until the doctor comes in. She is a woman that appears to be in her early thirties and has pretty dark blond hair that is cut in a bob and frames her face nicely.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Lewis."
"Hi." Sam and I both say politely but quietly.
"So Jenny, we're gonna start off today by taking some blood and then we're going to do a pelvic exam."
I nod uncomfortably. And for once the needle didn't sound like the worse part of the doctor's appointment.
"And this is?" She's motioning towards Sam.
"My brother"
"Okay. Well he can stay for the blood work, but he's going to have to leave for the exam." She informs both of us politely.
"Okay" I nod, grasping onto Sam's hands as she makes her way over with the blood work equipment.
The blood work is done quickly and Sam leaves as the doctor gets the equipment for the pelvic exam, but not before giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.
The doctor comes back with the necessary tools and tells me to put my feet in these stir ups, which are about as fun as they look.
She informs me she is going to begin and I close my eyes, trying to think of anything else. I just want to enter a world where none of this is real.
---FLASHBACK---
"Jenny, I'm sorry. Will you please just open the door?" Jessica asks from outside of my room.
"Why should I?!"I yell from my spot, curled up on my bed.
"Because we need to talk about this."
"About what?!" I yell stubbornly.
"Sweetie, why would you think we would make you leave? That's just crazy."
My head rises instantly. I slowly get off my bed and walk over to my door, unlocking and opening it.
I peek my head through the small crack of space, "You wouldn't make me go?"
"Of course not Junebug…" She smirks, using my childhood nickname given to me by my Dad, "I hate to inform you of this, but you're never getting rid of us"
I open the door a bit more, a smile growing happily on my face, "So I'm going to be an aunt?"
"We're still not sure about that one." She laughs, "But you'll always be a sister. Don't ever doubt that."
Jessica opens her arms wide enough for me to step into them, which I do. I squeeze her tightly before stepping back, addressing both her and Sam who is sitting behind her on the couch.
"I'm sorry I freaked out on you guys." I apologize, "I guess I just got scared that I would lose my family again."
"Well that is never going to be an issue…" Jess places a hand on my cheek as Sam walks next to her, placing an arm around her waist.
"You'll always have us, Jenny." Sam adds.
"Promise?" I ask.
"Promise" He assures, pulling me lovingly into his and Jessica's embrace.
I giggle as Sam ruffles my hair playfully before we all pull away from the hug. Jess glances at the clock before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the couch.
"Perfect timing, Junebug. The Office is about to start."
We both walk over and collapse onto the couch as Sam slowly walks over with us, giggling at our mandatory weekly routine.
---END FLASHBACK---
Sam opens the front door for me and I walk in cautiously. I feel so on edge. Everything in my life is so unpredictable, I am afraid of what may happen next. Sam walks in behind me and closes the door, placing a hand on my back as I stay standing in the entryway.
"You want to go up stairs and get some rest Jenny?" His voice is gentle and careful as he speaks to me.
I only glance up at him once before looking back down and nodding my head, my lips not once moving.
"Sammy?"
I hear Dean call from the back office. I sigh immediately, knowing Dean is going to have to find out as well. This knowledge causes my stomach to turn in an unsettling fashion as small Goosebumps form on the pale skin of my arms. As my body tenses Sam immediately puts an arm around me, pulling me close and allowing me to rest my head against his chest.
"It's okay" He whispers soothingly into my ear.
"Sam?" Dean asks, becoming visible as he walks out from the living room, trying to assess the situation with his eyes, knowing that it would be easier on me to not have to ask any questions. Unfortunately he must not be able to tell because he begins to part his lips, so I decide to choose this moment to speak.
"Sammy, I'm really tired." I can hear my voice sounding weak and worn-out, "Can I stay home from school tomorrow. I just want to sleep."
Dean looks confused and curious as Sam looks down at me tenderly, "Yeah sweetheart. Why don't you go upstairs and get in some comfy clothes. I'll be up in a minute."
I nod, before walking past Dean and up the stairs, too scared to look him in the eyes. I get to the top and begin to walk down the hallway but I stop in my place, listening as Sam walks into the living room and Dean follows him.
"Sammy, what happened? Is Jenny okay?"
"I highly doubt that." Sam sighs.
I walk back to the stairs, sitting down on the top step and leaning my head against the wall, my body no longer having the strength to hold it up.
"So she is pregnant?"
"No" Sam says and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice.
"No?" Dean checks, "Well that's good news…Isn't it?" Sam's face must not be showing as much enthusiasm.
"She has Gonorrhea Dean." I swear I can hear the single tear travel down Sam's cheek.
"She…She has…What?! How?!"
"The doctor said that the Gonorrhea led to her getting something called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. And that apparently the symptoms mixed together can very occasionally resemble pregnancy."
"And what about the test she took? It was positive!"
"They can be wrong Dean." Sam explains.
"Jesus…" Dean's voice lowers as he takes in all of the information, but it doesn't stay that way for long, "What was the name of that motel we stayed at?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to kill the fucking bastard!"
Dean yells as he walks into the hallway. I watch as he hastily grabs his brown leather jacket off the coat rack. He throws it on before turning around to yell to Sam, but once he does he sees me at the top of the stairs, watching and listening. He instantly pauses, staring sadly at me, which spooks me out of my statue like stillness. I immediately jump up and make a run for my room like a scared little child, entering my room before Dean can call for me.
I shut the door behind me, pressing it strongly to make sure it is closed. Once it is I wander into my room. Thoughts can't even seem to make it to my brain as I pace back and forth slowly, hugging my body with my hands.
I hear the door open and stop my pace, turning towards the open door to see Dean standing there, still in his leather Jacket. He walks in and closes the door before walking closer to me.
"I'm sorry about what you heard back there Jen." His voice is quiet, more vulnerable than I have heard since I've known him. "Are you okay?"
My heart is beating quickly as I stutter "I…I…Yea…I…" Finally I compose my breathing and manage to get out a full thought, "I don't think so."
I look up at Dean, who nods his head understandingly. I open my mouth to speak, struggling to find the words yet again as my breathing is labored and my heart is thumping and an uncomfortably fast rate.
"I just…I feel so…I feel…stupid. And I feel gross and…and dirty!" Tears build up in my eyes as I bite my lip, shaking my head, "And I feel…I feel so ashamed."
Dean looks down at me sadly, wanting to take away all of the pain that I am feeling. I know that he will eventually give me a hug, but I feel so alone that I can't wait as I walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his torso.
"I'm sorry." I cry into his chest.
He wraps his arms around me strongly, squeezing my shoulders. I feel him rest his cheek against my head, running his hand over my soft but messy honey blonde locks.
"I never meant for this to happen." I cry.
"I know" He speaks, placing a kiss on the top of my head, "I know you didn't."
I cry until it hurts, until I am so tired that my legs are practically giving out from under me. And Dean is with me the whole time, hushing my cries and rubbing a soothing hand across my heaving back. As my cries are now soft incoherent mumbles and my body is close to limp, Dean scoops me up in his arms and carries me to my bed, laying me softly down on the cotton sheets. My eyes are closed and I am close to sleep as I feel him cover me with the blanket and place a small kiss on my forehead. I adjust my self tiredly before whispering with my last awake breath.
"I love you, Dean."
And before my mind completely drifts into unconsciousness I hear him speak quietly.
"I love you too, Jenny."
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