Twilight
I recall a long farewell and a time to choose
So we part like rivers baby, yeah like rivers do
But I still talk about you though and wonder
How your life will unfold?
Show me what it looks like
Outside your window at twilight
Show me what it looks like
I recall driving home, this ain't gonna hit me till God knows when
You know I feel it in my bones and I wear it on my skin
But there ain't no use in right or wrong
A heart must go where it belongs...
Show me what it looks like
Outside your window at twilight
Is it me that you see dancing on a line
Singing I could be yours if you would be mine
Come on grow old with me and surely you'll see
And I remember thinking, boy you must be dreaming
So hold on, hold on, before it's all gone
And I do remember thinking that your world would go on spinning…
Without me now, so c'me on, c'mon please
Show me what it looks like
Outside you window at twilight
Show me what it looks like
Outside you window at twilight
Is it me that you see dancing on a line
Singing I could be yours if you would be mine
Come on grow old with me and surely you'll see
I recall a long farewell and a time to choose
So we part like rivers baby, yeah like rivers do…
Brennan watched as Piper ran up to Booth and Ashley, who was still in the dolphin buggy. Piper's small hands were as expressive as her mother's hands as she flailed them in the air at Booth and Ash. One would have thought she was Italian as she exaggerated the tale of a mother and baby monkey that Booth and Ash 'just had to see'. Angela noticed Brennan watching the girls and Booth and walked up to her best friend. She said nothing to Brennan, only stood next to her observing Booth with the girls. It had been a week since Booth and Ashley had moved in and Brennan found it hard to admit to herself she was still in love. She wondered if he could still somehow love her in the least bit.
Angela could tell something was on Bren's mind and she knew what that something was. She remembered their long distance phone calls, remembered a distraught Brennan on the other end of the line in some dig site in Australia as she explained to Angela that '…No! No, you have no idea how it feels Angela!" and Angela knew she didn't know how it felt to feel the way she did. Brennan had finally acknowledged love, only to have that love taken away from her. No. Angela did not know how she felt the day Brennan had to watch Booth walk out her door for a greater damn good! How it felt to say goodbye and not cry in front of him, pretend to be happy and not be able to say see you later to her best friend. Why? Because Hannah was pregnant! No. Angela would never know. Brennan would be Ashley's Godmother, but she could only pretend to be happy in the family's presence for so long'
"You know Bren, you may have left the states but you never left his heart." Angela said quietly, in a stern whisper. Brennan tore her eyes from Booth and the girls and let her blue irises mix with that of her best friends dark almond eyes.
"What are you talking about Angela?" Brennan said her defenses up, which showed, she clearly knew what Angela was speaking about. "Booth still loves Hannah. He is physically distraught that she has passed. How can you not see that?" Brennan questioned.
"Of course he loved Hannah. He loved Hannah because she was the mother of his child and they lived together." Angela said turning her body a bit to the side to face Brennan better. Angela crossed her arms and looked at Brennan as if she were nuts.
Brennan exhaled remembering, "Sometimes things happen beyond our control Angela. There is nothing we can do about them but go on with our lives." Brennan paused looking at Booth then back into Angela's eyes. "Sometimes you just miss your chance."
Angela didn't accept this, "And sometimes, things happen beyond our control. Things which bring us back full circle, back to the beginning. Sometimes, we get second chances Bren." The artist smiled and Brennan rolled her eyes at Angela.
"Oh Bren, just stop, hell even Hannah knew he was in love with you." Angela said and Brennan looked at Angela with a face full of warning yet ebbed with curiosity.
"What do you mean?" asked Brennan.
"I mean Hannah and I would meet for lunch or dinner sometimes. The girls liked to play and it really is horrid how nice she really was. Anyway, she told me he would talk about you sometimes. It's like you died Bren, Booth didn't know what to do. Hannah told me they fought sometimes; he was distant, emotionally and physically. She didn't know what to do because he wasn't the Booth she met in Kandahar. Neither one of them was all that happy anymore. Though, they were pulling it together for Ash as so many parents do." Angela said about to yell at Piper for climbing onto a ledge to get a better view of the animals down below. Booth grabbed her up instead.
Brennan turned to Angela, "Why would she tell you such personal information?"
Angela shrugged and bit into her candy apple, "We were friends. We were pretty good friends." Angela's eyes were a bit watery.
"Oh." Brennan said the two letter word hollowly as if just realizing something. When she left for Australia, Hannah entered the picture. Angela had no girlfriends, not really, not if you don't count work. So Hannah and she had become not best of friends but close enough to know how the other liked their coffee.
Angela turned to Bren, "Sweetie, your still my best friend, you always will be. You know that, right?" Brennan and Angela shared a tight sad smile between the two.
"Mmhmm." Brennan said and looked at Piper helping Booth to push Ashley. Though, the trio stopped and Brennan caught Booth's eyes as Ashley made room for Piper in the buggy. Booth smiled at Brennan and she returned the smile. He was glad she had brought them to the zoo. Now both girls rolled up to Angela and Brennan in the buggy. They were tired and it showed through their yawns and Piper's lack of chatter.
"Mommy, are we gonna…" Piper yawned, "…gonna get to ride the ponies?" Piper asked and Ashley yawned triggered by Piper's previous one.
Angela smiled at her sleepy mischievous little girl, "No, not today pumpkin." Angela kissed her sleepy little girls head and Ash's as well.
"Mkay." Piper said curling up on her side as Booth continued to wheel them back out of the park.
"Mommy?" Ashley woke up, "Mommy?" Booth and Angela were talking, but Brennan stopped the buggy and bent down eye level with Ash. She was rediscovering her tubes and recent wound dressings from surgery all over again. As well as, rediscovering Hannah was no longer with them. She had no more mommy unlike Piper who had Angela.
"Ashley?" Brennan asked Ashley and her glossy sky blues looked into Brennan's. "Ash?"
"Auntie Bwen? Our mommies? Dem is togethaw now, huh?"
Brennan inhaled, smiled and brushed her fingers through Ashley's blonde curls while she sighed. "Yeah they are in heaven together now Ashley."
"They awe mommies wif wings, like an angel, wight?" Ashley said and Piper stirred, but only for a moment she was otherwise a deep sleeper. Angela heard her question as well as Booth and both just prayed for Ashley's sake this question was answered simply and without anyone having to explain facts of religion to a two and a half year old.
Brennan tapped Ashley's nose and said, "You're an angel." Ashley and Brennan laughed or was that a giggle?
"You're an angel too Auntie Bwen! My Angel! Okay?" Ashley asked.
"Okay Ash." Brennan said and Ashley laughed a small laugh before fading back off to bed.
Angela had Piper over her shoulder the buggy was returned and Booth had Ashley over his shoulder. They said their 'see you later' in the parking lot and each head to their own vehicle. Though, not before Angela gave Bren a look one that said, 'don't give up on him yet Bren. I know you better than that and you are still in love. Slow and steady, slow and steady, sweetie.' Then they each went their separate ways.
Booth buckled a tired Ash in her car seat and hopped in the passenger's seat as Brennan was already in the driver's seat. She didn't start the car, but let it sit still and silent as questions breathed unanswered between the partners. Brennan readjusted her grip on the wheel even though they weren't moving. "So, did you guys have fun? Ashley seemed to thoroughly enjoy herself."
Booth smiled, "She did. We did Bones, thank you for bringing us to the zoo. For, allowing us to stay with you." Booth said and Brennan picked her head up looking at Booth.
"It's not a problem Booth. I know how to doctor a perforation like Ashley's. It would only make sense you stayed with me." Brennan said her defenses up.
"Yeah, thanks." Booth didn't know what else to say and Brennan started the car and drove out of the parking lot. The tires humming loudly along the pavement as two solid yellow lines passed them by, broken at times, but the line was always there. Broken, solid, double, or one solid one broken it never failed to leave them. Booth looked at Brennan, something was on her mind. He sighed for Hannah, Ashley, and the whole of them. Their broken lined partnership that was sometimes solid sometimes not. Sometimes double the strength, but no matter what it was always there. He knew that would never change, they were partners, partners. Now what?
Dinner came quickly at the Brennan household filled with two Booth's. Booth was still reeling from Hannah's death and the drastic change of lifestyle it had created for him. When Ash was better she would no longer be staying home with Hannah. She would attend the Jeffersonian daycare just like Piper did. Ash had spent more than a few days in the Jeffersonian's daycare before, but now it would be full time.
She could still have sleep over's at Ange's house like she always had, but now Hannah wouldn't call her at night to say goodnight to Ash and ask Ange how she was doing. Booth would, and while he was daddy he just wasn't mommy. There is something about a mother that makes her special. A bond the child only has with that person. Hannah was Ashley's mother, and now like Bones' mother she was as Bones and Ashley said a mommy with wings. Booth smiled to himself at Bones actually telling her version of a white lie to make Ashley content.
"But I don't like cawwots." Ashley said pushing the carrots apart from her other food.
"Just eat them Ash." Booth scolded.
"But I don't want too. Theys mushy and taste funny." Ashley argued.
"Ashley, the carrots will help you-" Booth started
"Pipaw doesn't like carrots." Ashley stated.
"No, but she has never had my cooked carrots. They have sweet cinnamon on them Ash and they taste very good. You have never tried these carrots so how do you know what they taste like? All carrots do not taste the same." Brennan said and Ashley contemplated this.
"They don't?" Ash asked her peas getting cold.
"No they don't some carrots…" Brennan took a big bite of her carrots and smiled "…are much better than others." Brennan said and Ashley smiled.
"Try a bite and see for yourself." Brennan said.
Ashley hesitantly took a forkful of carrots and stuck them in her mouth. "These are good! They are like dessert!" Ashley screamed and Booth smiled at Brennan who in turn smiled at Ashley. "I thought the Boca burgers were gonna be yucky too, but nope theys yummy too!"
"Yeah Bones, your fake burgers aren't all that bad." Booth said while making a face at Ashley winking and showing his disgust, who giggled, gave him away.
"Boooth, they aren't that bad!" Brennan said looking from a giggling Ash to Booth.
"Oh com'on Bones they are a little…" Booth poked one with his fork. "…dry."
"Well it's not a real hamburger Booth." Brennan huffed and Booth and Ash laughed.
"Yeah Auntie Bwen theys dwy." Ash giggled not even knowing what she was saying only copying Booth.
Brennan set her cutlery down on her plate and leaned back in her chair folding her arms. "What am I going to do with the two of you?"
"Keep us!" Ash said giggling and Brennan locked eyes with Booth speaking to him silently as he whispered words of his own. Brennan looked away, just as quick as her eyes settled on his.
After dinner Ashley helped Brennan and Booth take the dishes into the kitchen and filled it with questions and laughter. It was nice to hear laughter in her house. Booth tucked her in bed but came out not long after he had gone in the guest room. "Bones?" She was washing their dishes and it all felt oddly domestic, too domestic. She turned her head to him bubbles on her arms her hands still in the sink.
"Yes Booth?" Brennan said acknowledging him. Booth remembered the time he tried unsuccessfully to help fix the leak under her sink and it sprayed them. He shook the thought.
"Uh, Ash wants to say good night to you too." There was silence as the water continued to run.
"Okay, I will be right in just let me wash the soap off my hands." Brennan said and Booth nodded.
Booth walked back into what had become Ashley and his bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. "She will be in soon kiddo." Booth said and Ashley yawned.
"Okay." Ash exhaled lightly smiling a tight smile up at her daddy, "I miss mommy, daddy."
Brennan dried her hands and walked toward the guest bedroom. Though, she stopped in the doorway unseen by the Booth's. Booth smiled a sad smile at his daughter and tapped her nose. "I miss her too sweetheart, so very much." Booth said and Ashley nodded in agreement.
"Auntie Bwen said mommy is wif hew mommy. They awe angels in heaven." Ashley informed Booth and Booth smiled at the un-Bones like statement and Ashley's speech impediment she inheritated from Hannah. Booth wondered why of all the letters R? He knew someone sometime, probably Piper, was going to tease her and ask her if she wanted to go hunting for rabbits. He also knew Piper would beat up anyone who messed with her, yes at three and a half she had already been in a fight.
"Yep, she is right." Booth said not really knowing what else to say.
"Auntie Bwen is smawt." Ashley said.
"Auntie Bren is very, very smart." Booth agreed.
"She is the most smawt person in the whole woowld." Ash said yawning.
"I think you might just be right Ashley. I think you might be right." Booth said.
"I know I am. Pipaw told me Auntie Bwen is the most smawtest pewson eveh." When Ash was tired she had more trouble with her R's then when she was up concentrating and fully alert. Brennan decided to make her entrance.
"Hey Ash, did you have fun at the zoo today with Piper?" Brennan asked sitting on the bed next to Booth.
Ashley smiled and nodded yes. "I had a lotta fun Auntie."
Her eyes were barely staying open as she spoke to Brennan and Brennan leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Night Ash, see you in the morning." Booth kissed his little girl and said his 'I love yous' next. As the two adults walked through the doorway they heard a soft, "Love you Auntie Bwen and Daddy."
Booth smiled and said it back; Brennan said nothing not wanting to wake her. Booth turned to Bones and smiled. "I think I'm going to go sit on the couch and mindlessly drown myself in television for a while."
Brennan nodded, "I'm going to take a shower and if you are still awake I may join you. Though, if not I will go to bed."
Booth nodded and they parted ways. Brennan stepped out of her jeans and pulled off her blue shirt hanging her bra up and stepping out of her undergarments. She got into the shower the water now warm. As the warm water slid down her neck back and body she exhaled a much needed sigh. It was finally hitting her; Booth was in her living room. She was back in the states and in love with the man in her living room, but so cautious and unsure of how he felt for her. She needed to just be his best friend right now and nothing more.
She remembered back to yesterdays. Remembered lying on the couch together she would curl up into his chest, she would claim his lips with hers, she would be called baby, and she would run her hands through his hair in more than a comforting way. Most of all in yesterdays she knew that he loved her and she loved him. Now all she knew was she was crying in the shower and nothing was ever really sure to begin with. Hannah told him she was pregnant at the diner and Booth came over to Brennan's that night and told her. He left that night too.
Brennan opened the door to her apartment letting Booth inside, it was pouring out and he was soaking wet. She looked at him odd. "Booth, you are all wet let me get you a towel."
"It's okay, you don't-" but she had already left.
"You are dripping all over the floor Booth."
He wanted to make this sharp, short and as painless as possible. Though, he knew there was no such thing as painless involved in leaving Bones. He inhaled and exhaled when she returned handing him the towel. He took it and dried his clothes some then stopped. "Bones, we have to talk."
"Okay, but we are talking Booth." Brennan said in that Bones way of hers. "Oh you mean you would like to speak to me of an important topic. Go ahead Booth, I'm listening." Brennan said and Booth closed his eyes. Brennan caught his distress and cocked her head.
Booth dropped the towel and took both his hands and placed them on either side of Brennan's face. "Booth you're scaring me. What is wrong?" He kissed her forehead and hugged her close to him soaking her clothes. He whispered an unasked question in her ear.
"I love you too Bones, I love you." He pulled out of their embrace and she looked at him with wide kaleidoscope blue eyes. Their breathing picked up and he kissed her lips, his still wet from the rain she devoured him pulling him closer to her. Licking her lips they reluctantly parted for air. He kissed her forehead and smoothed her hair then rested his forehead on hers. "But we can't keep doing this."
Brennan stepped back a bit and cocked her head at him, "What do you mean? We haven't done anything wrong."
"We have to end the more than just partners relationship." Booth said and Brennan withdrew into herself.
"What do you mean? We don't have a sexual relationship." she asked Booth with wide eyes, innocent eyes, scared eyes, eyes that were his home, eyes he told everything too. Her eyes…they were becoming distant.
"Bones, come on' we are like a couple of teenage kids. We have done everything but have sex." Booth said.
"Are you saying you would like to change that?" Brennan asked, eyes still confused and worried.
"God, yes Bones, more than anything." Booth started.
"Okay." Brennan smiled. "I find you attractive and while you are my best friend and partner. I believe some of the best relationships, the ones that last are rooted in friendship."
"I agree, but we can't Bones. Hannah is pregnant, four months she just found out." Booth said and he watched as Brennan withdrew into herself away from him, trying to make this easier. It wasn't going to be.
She inhaled, "Are you going to ask her to marry you like you did Rebecca?"
There was Bones up front and blunt, but did he expect anything less?
He rubbed at his forehead, "I don't know."
"What are you going to do Booth?"
"She needs me. She wants me to be involved, and while this baby was an accident everything in life has a purpose." Booth said and Brennan agreed; besides she didn't really know what to say. "Maybe this means we are supposed to be together." Booth said regretting it as the words came out of his mouth. He walked over and sat on the couch. Bones followed and sat next to him.
Brennan looked down at their hands, "You should be with her. She needs you Booth and you are going to have a child together."
She put her other hand on his hand and he looked up into her eyes. Then all in one motion he engulfed her in an embrace, never wanting to let go. She had watery eyes, his were glossy too. She swallowed unsure of whether she should say what was on her mind. It was a whisper in his ear, "Ditto." She pulled back and smiled a sad smile at him and he understood exactly what she meant. He kissed her on the lips one last time, the kiss was slow and filled with passion they took their time as salty tears fell on their lips and they tasted each other's pain.
Then he stood and Brennan walked him to the door then watched as he walked out of it. She waited for him to turn his head and look at her, but he never did. Her bottom lip quivered and she was biting it so hard it was now bleeding. She shut the door and sunk down the back of it crying racking sobs. She hadn't cried so much or so loudly since she realized her parents were gone when she was fifteen. Booth's presence was now a mere ghost in her apartment.
She didn't realize the shower water had run cold and she was now sitting on the tile floor of the shower as she cried of yesterdays. She quickly gathered her composure through on a tank top and baggy pajamas bottoms and walked out to the living room. There sat the ghost of her past watching television, half asleep.
He stirred when she walked into the room, "Hey Bones."
"Hey Booth, do you care if I join you?" she asked as she sat down not waiting for an answer.
He smiled, "No Bones, it's your couch after all."
That it was. So wasn't the ball metaphorically in her court?
"Yes I surmise you are correct." Brennan stated and Booth chuckled.
"What?" she asked simply.
"Surmise, eh Bones?" asked Booth.
"Yes Booth it means-"
"I know what it means Bones. I guess I have to get use to 'Bones lingo' again." Booth said
"I wasn't speaking of the human anatomy." Brennan said getting more comfortable on the couch.
"I surmise." Brennan said and Booth laughed along with Bones.
Then it became silent only the chatter of the television in the background filled the silence. "I never asked you how your dig was Bones. How was it?"
Brennan inhaled and exhaled, if not for him she would have never gone on the dig. "It was good."
"That's it? It was good. That's all you're going to say?" Booth asked.
"Yeah, it was and yes that's all I have to say about the dig. Oh, though, I do remember I made a friend in one of the interns on the dig. Her name was Sarah." Brennan said.
"That's good." Booth said and Brennan smiled at him. "What?" asked Booth.
"You just said 'that's good.' Is that all you're going to say?" Brennan said and Booth chuckled along with Brennan.
"I did didn't I?" he shared a locking of eyes with Brennan that lasted a moment longer then they both knew or felt it should this close to Hannah's passing.
"I'm going to go to bed." Brennan said standing up. "Did you need anything?" asked Bones.
"No, no I'm fine. Thanks Bones." Booth said as he watched Brennan walk off to her bedroom.
"Bones?" Booth called out.
She turned abruptly, "Yes?"
Booth opened his mouth and then shut it. "Nevermind."
Brennan walked back over to Booth and sat beside him. "It's okay to cry Booth. You lost your fiancé and Ashley's mother. One is expected to be severely distraught." Brennan said noticing Booth's glossy eyes. Booth looked at Bones' hand on his knee and sighed.
"No, it's not okay to be distraught over certain things." He said and it took Brennan a moment and then she got it and removed her hand from his knee. Then it clicked, the flame still burned, embers still glowed soft and slow. Brennan inhaled a bit and stood as a small whispered 'oh' escaped her lips.
"Goodnight Booth, see you in the morning." Brennan said walking back to her bedroom.
Booth lay on the couch, the couch he first kissed her on. Hannah was gone, Ashley was injured, and Bones was back. He was probably hearing voices he wasn't supposed to be hearing as well. The little man with horns on his shoulder was taking over. Beckoning him to walk his way but he wouldn't be cheating on Hannah.
Though, no, no it was too soon to even think of a prospective relationship with anyone. He didn't want to go, but he didn't want to hurt anymore either. What else God? What other test was he supposed to pass? What other hoops was he supposed to jump through? He sighed and laid back rubbing his forehead as he recalled a long ago farewell, only it wasn't fair and it wasn't so well either.
It didn't settle well with either of them, but life isn't always fair and life isn't always well. So, Booth ended up kissing her and walking out of that door into a new life. Deep down he knew she had, had more than she could bare and that is why she took the offer for the dig in Australia. That is why she left, because life isn't fair and goodbyes aren't always well. Though, they are, and that's life.
Brennan rolled over in bed contemplating her situation. After hours of dealing with her racing mind she got out of bed and walked out to the living room. A bit to her surprise Booth was still on the couch. "Hey." She said softly as she sat down next to him.
"Hey." Was his automatic reply, Brennan was nervous. Booth was nervous and the apartment silent. As Brennan faced the ghost of her past, this particular ghost had haunted her for a long time now. She remembered Sarah's words from yesterdays.
It was night in Australia and Brennan was looking up at the stars with glossy eyes. An intern walked up, the girl was in her mid twenties and she was the one she told Booth she befriended. Sarah.
"Miss home, do ya Dr. Brennan?" Sarah asked in a thick Aussie accent.
"Not exactly home Sarah. I missed… we missed our chance he and I." said Brennan speaking of Booth aloud to anyone for the first time.
"Oh, one of those, I'm sorry Dr. Brennan. Almost lovers can leave deep scars. Sometimes they run just as deep as if you had, had your chance." Said Sarah
"I don't have any scars."Brennan argued.
"Oh, but you do Dr. Brennan. It's evident, especially on nights like tonight. I can see the hurt you won't let go of it's in your eyes. You carry it with you, you can't let him go." Sarah said
The truth in Sarah's words stung and made Brennan swipe at a tear. "Sarah, please just…just leave me alone." Said Brennan
That night taught Brennan love was in fact real, it was no game and that the heart must go where it belongs, despite the logs that once creaked and shifted and the rivers that receded and parted ways. They had now merged back together as one, as they flowed freely into the ocean. Though, it's what rivers do, they find each other again. It was normal, they were just friends anyway. Rivers part and rivers eventually flow into the ocean. Now their greatest enemy was their best friend as they both fought the current that threatened to bring them closer together with everything they had.
Sitting on the couch in unchanged silence next to Booth, Bones heard a voice, a recent conversation from yesterdays. Silence their only company as they face the ghosts of their past. Funny how scary and loud a ghoul could be even when one was an adult and knew they were mere fiction. If fiction, how and why were they both seated next to one?
"You know Bren, you may have left the states, but you never left his heart." Her best friends voice spoke to her, a haunted memory.
Another voice soon entered her hippocampus. The voice it belonged to was familiar, yet faded all at once, "Sometimes things happen, Bones and there is nothing we can do to change them. Nothing but move on with our lives the only way we know how. Everyone moves on in their own way. So, don't ever be sorry you left Bones…" he paused only long enough to look deeper into her eyes, eyes that look to his with that familiar look as she listened intensely. "…because you came back. You came back when I needed you most, when we needed you most."