I came home to find Alice sitting with Carlisle. "I know she won't mind me telling you. Thanks for the advice." Alice was full of concern and Carlisle was slightly confused.
Alice rose, coming to me. "Bella needs to talk to us," she told me without preamble.
"What about?"
She shook her head. "She wants to be the one to tell you. Public visit."
I frowned and followed Alice out to my car. "But you told Carlisle..."
"Yes. Just get in the car," she snapped at me. "I want to talk to her."
She was worried, troubled and... grieving? I caught her elbow in the car. "How bad?"
She smiled slightly. "Not dire. She doesn't have a disease or anything. The venom would fix it if she did. You must have some idea, seen it coming. I want to know why."
What was she talking about? I was impatient to know now too. I pulled out and blasted down the highway to Forks.
Charlie answered the door. "Alice, Jasper. Come in. Bella said you were coming. Bella!" he hollered. She traipsed down the stairs with a pitter-patter.
"Thanks, Dad. Where is it?" He jabbed his thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "Thanks," she said again. "Come on."
She led us into the kitchen where Alice and I sat opposite while Bella stood on the open edge. She held a thick envelope.
"Alice saw this arrive, Jasper. I guess she missed me applying." She set the envelope on the table so I could read the letterhead, University of Jacksonville. "I've decided to go spend a little more time with my Mom. I know that will mean putting a hold on us, but I think I need it, a little space."
I felt Bella's nervousness, Charlie's pleasure, but both were lost in Alice's and my sorrow.
"Why?" Alice asked, her voice barely a whisper.
Bella nodded. Of course, Alice had asked her at school, but Bella hadn't answered without me. I appreciated that. "Well, I'm getting lost in both of you. I love you both so much that I think I'm shaping myself to you instead of being my own person."
Alice shook her head. "No. That's not the reason. Fess up."
Bella pressed her lips together and grew angry. "Yes, I'm looking for something there I can't get here. Neither of you can give it to me."
Sex. How could it all come down to that? I rubbed my eyes, wishing I could weep at the irony.
"It's more though. You two... I fit, but I'm getting squeezed out."
My head turned to Charlie on the couch. Bella dropped her voice. "I told him you two are very close friends."
I nodded, staring at the center of the table for long moments.
"Say something," she begged.
"Be happy?" It was a question. I thought we made her happy; she couldn't deny that I didn't make her feel the way she or Alice made me. This was falling apart. It had been for months. Alice was right; I had known. She had been less satisfied with every encounter, up until our last, two weeks ago. Our break up wasn't official, but Charlie knew we weren't as close any longer.
"That's it?" Bella asked, a little stunned. "Are you mad?"
I decided to let her know exactly what I was feeling. I opened up and gave her my grief, my regrets and my hope that we would heal. I didn't want to lose her, even if I lost this part of her.
She cried the tears I couldn't. She wrapped her arms around my neck, jumping from her chair. She buried her face in the hair over my ear. She smelled and felt so good. It made me ache to know that I'd never touch her again.
That thought fled as her love grew. It was the unconditional care she had given before. She wanted the best for me.
"Honesty is the best policy," I told her. "Thank you for telling me."
"I don't want you to go," Alice said petulantly. Over her grief was a sense of betrayal. "Why so far? Go to Seattle; we'll give you space."
Bella shook her head. "I applied there too, but I really do miss my Mom. I miss the sun." There was wistfulness in her. She was leaving to say goodbye.
That meant that, although she was going, she was coming back. "I think I understand." Alice's sense of betrayal tripled; I did my best to ignore it. "You'll keep in touch of course," I said to Bella.
She smiled sweetly, full of gratitude. "Yes, I definitely will."
"I told Carlisle," Alice said in a clipped tone, still hurt.
"Can you excuse us, Bella?" I asked.
"Um, sure. I'll just... use the washroom."
As soon as she was out of earshot Alice started hissing at me. "You aren't helping at all! She'll never change her mind at this rate."
"What happens if she doesn't?"
Alice crossed her arms and pouted. "She'll never come back to us."
"Us, you and I, or all of us? I think she's coming back, isn't she? She's going to part ways with her mother."
Alice's face fell, then she covered it with her hands. The betrayal was swept away by guilt. "I just can't bear to lose her, Jasper. I don't want her to be like us, especially not with Carlisle alone."
My jaw dropped for a moment. I hadn't noticed the change there. I knew Carlisle had no plans to make a move toward Bella; he'd told me so himself. Had Bella's feelings changed? When was the last time I'd seen the two of them together?
It didn't matter. Actually it was better. We wouldn't lose her at all. Why was Alice fighting this so hard?
Bella returned and sat, not looking at either of us. I gave her warm comfort before a cold hug. I kissed her lips carefully, gently. I whispered very quietly against them. "You're still with Alice?"
Her chocolate eyes closed and she exhaled heavily, surrounding me in her luxurious scent.
"Yes," she whispered as the guilt from her added to that from Alice.
I swept my hand over her cheek, running my thumb over the bone. "I understand, but she needs more now. She doesn't want to let go. I already have."
It had hurt to be exiled from Bella's bed. It hurt to know Alice was still there in the afternoons while I worked. I really did understand though. I'd felt her frustration with me and my inability to fill her physically.
She kissed me once more before turning to Alice. "I love you, Alice, but you don't need me. Not the way you need Jasper. I'm going to find someone who needs me that much. I just don't fit anymore."
"Yes! You do!" Alice jumped up and ran from the house, one tiny bundle of hurt. Neither Bella nor I had any hope of catching her, so we sat.
Charlie rose though. "Where'd she go?"
"Forgot something in the oven," I lied. "She'll be back," I said to reassure all of us. Charlie nodded and returned to the television.
Bella moved to my lap, looking for more comfort. I hugged her and stroked her back. "She will," I whispered. "She just needs time to see what you already have."
I had watched Bella drift from me, felt her hot skin against mine less and less as time went by. I'd seen how superficial our romance had become. All the deeper love was still there. I would still do almost anything for Bella.
And there was the difference. I would do anything for Alice, even give up Bella. Bella deserved better than I could give.
"Thank you," she whispered, sniffing.
"Nothing to thank me for. I still love you and will miss you. Please stay in touch."
"I will," she promised with a lighter smile.
"Can I be terribly selfish now?" I asked very quietly, my hands rubbing the small of her back and her inner thigh. My eyes met hers, and I hoped my lust was clear in them.
Her lip trembled, and I backed away slightly, giving her more space. She took several moments but kissed me again, her tongue running over my lips. "Alright. A goodbye?" she asked.
I touched my forehead to hers, smiling with gratitude. That was exactly what I wanted, one last time that I knew was our last.
"Would you like to tell Carlisle yourself, in person?" I said loudly enough for Charlie to hear.
"That would be nice. It's still early. Dad?" she called to Charlie.
"Sure. Have a good time, Bells." He didn't take his eyes from the screen.
Once in the Mustang, Bella asked me, "How is he? He never says much. Is he upset that I'm going?"
I smiled broadly and kissed her before backing out of the drive. "This is why I love you," I told her, wanting to be sure she understood. "He's happy, Bella. I don't know if that's because you're breaking up with me-"
"I thought he liked you again?"
I rolled my eyes."He likes me more. I don't think it's possible to really like the man taking advantage of your daughter."
She chuckled. "What's the other reason? You said, 'if' like you had another idea." She was so quick.
"It's the same as mine. He's grateful to have had two years with you. He understands that you want to be close to your mother and is happy to have gotten to know you better, know the woman you've grown to become."
She blushed a little as I turned off the ignition.
"Alice?" she asked.
I shrugged unable to answer. "You don't leave for a couple of a weeks. You still have finals," I verified. "She'll find you again before that. I'm sorry she's making this hard for you. She wanted me to help convince you to stay. Give her time and then give her what she needs, a way to let go."
"How?" she asked, not moving from her seat.
"Tell her why you want to see your Mom and the sun. Show her how you've changed, who you've become. Show her that she's only losing the smallest part of you."
She nodded slowly.
"Let's go. Carlisle has a late shift starting in a couple of hours." I wanted her to have ample time.
She pulled me back into the seat and kissed me again. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Do you mind if I linger a few minutes with you and Carlisle?" I wanted to get a read on their feelings for each other.
"Sure." She was surprised at the question. I opened the door for her.
"Bella?" Carlisle asked coming toward us. "I heard congratulations are in order."
She smiled and happiness bubbled from her. "Alice said she had told you." She walked quickly into Carlisle's hug.
"Off to enjoy sun and surf?" he suggested, kissing her cheek. I got the impression of a father letting go of a two-wheeler again. This time, I shared it. We were sending her into the bigger world, hoping she wouldn't fall, that she would come back to us.
What had Alice been talking about? I searched their feelings for it now. It came from Bella, an awkward nervousness.
My chest and stomach sank. Was I able to accept this?
They chatted about her course selections, what she planned to study. I watched and listened silently. Bella relaxed, being less self-conscious. She put a hand on Carlisle's arm, leaning into him. She stepped a little closer, her hip brushing his. They were all the same things she had done a hundred times before, but I heard her heart pick up when he returned the gestures, felt the happiness when her advances weren't rejected.
"I need to go, Bella. Two weeks?" he asked.
"Yep. I'll see you again before then." She bobbed on her toes to kiss his lips.
Carlisle blinked in surprise, then put a hand to his lips. "I will," he promised as he left. He stopped when he saw me still in the doorway.
"Don't worry; we'll talk," I whispered too quietly for Bella's ears.
He nodded, grateful, and exited.
So, this chapter and the next were originally one chapter. But that made it MUCH longer than the others. So I split it. :) Thanks to Sharebear for her continued Beta effors.