Isabelle by Thriving Ivory
Well it might as well count for something
Cause this patient heart's getting bored with life
Regret's my only company when I see you…
And I'm backed up at the borderline
I'm cut short of moving on again
And why do I, said why do I, consider this hard…
Do you miss me at all?
Do you miss me at all?
Do you miss me at all?
Isabelle takes the back seat to oblivion
The quiet type of emotion
And God I wish her well
Isabelle paints a masterpiece in color
And it's black and white underneath
And if all her friends could show her
What it means to be loved
I'm rounding up my reasons why I ever left
I don't get no answers
And the speculation lives…
Do you miss me at all?
Do you miss me at all?
Do you miss me at all?
And we might as well call it love if it makes you feel better
Said we might as well call it love if it makes you feel better.
And we might as well call it love if it makes you feel better
And we might as well call it love if it makes you feel better….
Do you miss me at all?
Do you miss me at all?
The atmosphere has winds, so the ocean has currents. As with the wind, these currents are a means to redistribute solar energy from one place to another. Just as the atmosphere has surface winds and upper atmospheric circulation, the oceans also have surface currents and deep water currents. Also like the winds, many of these currents have established "permanent" patterns, which can last for tens of thousands of years.
Booth and Brennan sat on their psychologists Sweets couch waiting on the young shrink. They had missed their ten o' clock appointment last week and Booth and Brennan weren't any less thrilled to be at this one. Though, the appointments were FBI protocol. Brennan was Booth's partner, making it mandatory to attend couples counseling like every FBI agent paired with a partner. Though, that was just it they weren't just like every other agent.
Brennan glanced at Booth and sighed inwardly. She wanted to say so much, but wouldn't dare. Booth glanced at Brennan, his partner who he had given a nickname out of a sign of affection. She worked with bones, so he dubbed her the Bone lady. It was just the two of them in the silent office. Brennan shifted and reached for a magazine on the coffee table in front of her. Booth glanced at her bored of waiting and intrigued at what she was doing, even if she was only contemplating which magazine to read. Silence lingered.
The office door opened and the young psychologist walked in, "Hey guys, oh no. How long have you been here? I didn't keep you waiting did I?" Sweets asked and Booth exhaled loudly giving him a face.
"Actually you did keep us waiting. Well obviously, we arrived before you did. " Brennan said, "Although, we haven't been here very long." Brennan added, but it had felt like forever being trapped in the office with Booth, the tiny, very small office. After realizing they were going to have to face their yesterdays last night, things had shifted between them. Worst yet, neither was sure just what the shift consisted of? Only that it happened.
Brennan felt he had no right to say he knew how she felt, he wasn't her. Booth felt she had no right to say he didn't feel the way he imagined she had felt when he left. She wasn't him, and his heart still had to walk away from what he loved most. He didn't have a choice either.
Though, one thing was for sure. They both still felt, they both felt so much that it hurt. The fact of the matter was they were now so afraid to love each other, but more afraid to lose each other. They always had been, and now, where once upon a time they had taken one giant step forward, they had now taken three steps backward.
Sweets sat down opposite the partners. "It's good to see you again Dr. Brennan. I know everyone has missed you." Brennan put her magazine she never got the opportunity to read on the coffee table and Booth shot the psychologist a look that said he was already ready to go.
"Well I have been gone a full year Sweets. It's natural for people to miss someone that they see every day." Brennan said.
"Use to see every day. Everyone use to see you every day." Sweets corrected.
"Clearly." Brennan stated.
"Bones, I think Sweets was just inferring he missed you, everyone has." Booth said and Brennan threw him a glance that insinuated more than words could say. Did you miss me Booth? I missed you. I missed you a lot. Though, she couldn't say the words aloud, it was too soon, right? He made that clear last night.
"How are you holding up Agent Booth? How is Ashley doing?" Sweets inquired.
"Ashley is doing good and healing well." Booth said not wanting to delve deeper into the conversation.
"That's good I'm glad to hear that. How are you doing?" Sweets asked as he lean back in his chair studying his two favorite patients.
"I'm doing Sweets. Is that okay with you?" Booth said agitated.
"I realize there is a reason for your defensive response agent Booth, and I'm letting you know that you do not have to raise your defenses around me. Unless you feel agitated with Dr. Brennan?" Sweets said.
"Cut the psychobabble Sweets." Booth spat back.
Brennan was quiet observing as the two men created more and more tension in the small office. You could cut the tension with a knife; the air was a heavy morning fog.
"I hear you are staying with Dr. Brennan so she can take care of Ashley's perforation." Sweets said.
"I am." Booth said short and Brennan glanced at him.
Sweets noticed this and turned to Brennan, "How is Ashley's perforation healing Dr. Brennan?"
"Very nicely, she has a doctor's appointment with her surgeon for a follow up exam on Tuesday." Brennan said and Booth was about to say something, but looked at Brennan instead.
"What? Bones. Why didn't I know about this?" Booth asked.
"I marked it on the calendar Booth. Dr. Richards called Thursday, remember? I told you her appointment is at nine am and you said you would notify Andrew that you would be late that into work Tuesday." Brennan said.
"No, no I obviously don't remember Bones." Booth said and Sweets sat back as the sparks ignited on the couch in front of him. The room was on fire, and there was no escape.
"Are you mad at me Booth? I didn't do anything wrong." Brennan said and Booth exhaled stressed.
"No Bones I'm not mad I'm…I'm just…I'm frustrated." Booth said.
"With me?" Brennan asked and Booth caught her eye and a silent conversation ensued – why are you asking me these things now?
I'm sorry Booth…
Bones, why are you going there now?
I don't know Booth….just…I don't know Booth….
Brennan looked away breaking eye contact with her partner and smiling sadly to herself. Why am I going there? Brennan was starting to wonder why they ever went there to begin with. Did he ever miss her while she was away or had he actually become happy with Hannah? Yes, she had left. So, did she really expect him to wait?
She didn't know. Hell, she didn't even understand the emotions she was feeling. She didn't know what was going on with her. She was scared as hell, she had fallen hard and the scar he left on her was supposedly evident in her eyes. Supposedly - she wondered if it was visible to him?
She didn't know, but she knew she couldn't stay and watch the one she loved and had to let go love another. She couldn't watch him 'make it work'. In the end all was lost on them, they were a puzzle without a picture, a bird without a song or a puppet without a string. She looked at Booth and thought of scattered dreams that had fallen like rain. Almost lovers, wasted love….or was it? She glanced at Booth again, he looked miserable. At least Sweets looked happy.
"Agent Booth it must be hard staying with Dr. Brennan. You two did use to have feelings for one another." Sweets said and Booth shot him a look. He had crossed that line -again.
"Sweets." Booth said stopping the young psychologist from proceeding any farther with the conversation. "We are fine." Booth said through gritted teeth.
Sweets looked to a quiet Brennan, "Dr. Brennan do you agree with agent Booth? Are you in fact fine? What is a typical day like in your household?"
Booth rolled his eyes, "Sweets, we are fine. Aren't we Bones? We get up we eat we live our lives and we go to bed." Booth asked, but Brennan looked hesitant.
"Dr. Brennan?" asked Sweets.
"Oh, yes?" she snapped out of her trance and Booth glanced at her curious.
"Do you agree with agent Booth's statement?" asked the young psychologist. Brennan stared at him blankly obviously having no recollection of what that statement was. "That your relationship with agent Booth is fine. That your work will not suffer from the emotions you two must-"
"Alright, alright that's enough psychobabble for one day." Booth cut Sweets off pointing to his watch adding, "Oh, and look at that Bones, we got a crime scene that needs us. Time is ticking Sweets, murderers to catch…you understand, right?" Booth smiled as he stood up Brennan following him out of the psychologists' office.
Sweets ran out after them, "Don't forget, same time next Thursday!" he then exhaled and shook his head. What was he going to do with those two?
Brennan was quiet on the way out of the corridors of the FBI to the parking garage. When they both were in the SUV on the way to the crime scene Brennan inhaled in the passenger's seat exhaling loud enough for Booth to notice. At the crime scene the partners acted standoffish toward one another and Brennan started to wonder if she should continue coming out into the field with him.
Ashley was asleep in her car seat as the trio drove home; silence screamed as the constant hum of the tires relaxed Brennan's racing thoughts in the passenger's seat.
She glanced in his direction, "Booth?"
"What Bones?"
"We lied to Sweets and that isn't right. I didn't like when he lied to me." Brennan said and Booth glanced at her – huh? "We aren't fine Booth. I always run, and I always end up right back where I started."
It was silent for a good two minutes. "Bones, I get it you want to talk of what happened." Booth said hesitant, but Brennan ignored him continuing.
"Booth I lost the last of my imperviousness, you know that, and then I lost you. I don't want to lose you again Booth."
"Bones." Booth said warning, but Brennan continued.
"I know It wasn't your fault, you had to go, but don't tell me you know how I felt Booth. Please, don't ever say that. You're not me Booth. You are not me and I'm not you." Brennan said.
Booth shot her a shocked and frustrated look, "Exactly Bones you aren't me, so you don't know how I felt either. For God's sake I had to walk away from you as I heard you crying over me, over us. I cried too, it took all my strength not to turn around and hold you until you were all better." Booth spat out frustrated with her, with the whole situation.
Brennan's voice became low, "You heard me?"
Booth nodded yes keeping his eyes on the road. Brennan's eyes were glossy and she wiped at them so quick that if one didn't have expert vision they would have missed it. Booth inhaled and exhaled slowly.
The rest of the drive was spent in silence until they arrived at Brennan's apartment. Ashley woke slowly, "Auntie? Daddy?" her soft sleepy voice pierced the silence. Booth parked walking over and unbuckled her from her car seat and carried her upstairs tucking her into bed with woof-woof. Brennan had gone to change in her room to be out of the heavy tension filled room, so foggy she could barely make out his figure which now sat upon her couch. She walked out to join him in a fitted light blue tank top and stripped baggy pajamas bottoms.
"Is she asleep?" Brennan wondered as she sat down beside him and Booth nodded yes. Brennan nodded yes as well, a type of understanding.
Silence lingered as they both dared the other to make the first move back to the beginning. Booth looked in her eyes and noted that the storm continued to rage on the open seas.
"Bones…" he started.
"We shouldn't have lied." Brennan cut in and Booth nodded yes in agreement.
"So, according to you we have some work to do, eh Bones?"
"Well, of course Booth we have not finished the case yet. We have much work to be done. Though, you have Ashley now and we can't stay late at the lab like we used too."
Booth smiled and snorted a laugh. He had missed her, and he knew her next words, because he knew her in her entirety.
"What Booth, what do you find funny? I don't understand the joke? Was there a joke? If there was I did not grasp the meaning." Brennan said and Booth smiled a little wider, he missed her. Though, was he ready to admit it to himself?
"Yeah Bones, we have some work to do. You think we can handle it?" Booth asked smiling a sad smile and squeezing her hand. If one looked close they could see a flicker of a flame ignite when he took her hand.
"We have the highest solve rate Booth. Statistically speaking this case should be no harder or easier than our other cases."
"Yeah…yeah, you're right Bones."
She smiled and nodded in agreement with him. He missed that beautiful smile. She had said a lot in the car, and last night he had overheard her say she wasn't going to give up on them. As they shared a smile he wondered if it was true. Bones ran- it's just what she did. She wondered if they would be okay. They had lied to Sweets, they were not okay. She didn't like to lie or be lied to. And the storm continued to rage on the rolling seas, but for a split second the skies opened up on the canyon - filling it just a bit. If only for a moment.
The dam had never broken but the deep blue pristine waters that once filled his multilayered canyon eyes to the brim -was now gone - showing the canyons true depth. Leaving deep empty cliffs –evidence- that the rivers divided once ran as one. Her ocean eyes smiled half heartedly into his canyon eyes.
"I'm…I'm sorry I left Booth." She had missed him and now seemed like a good time to admit while she loved the dig. She hated being out of his life.
"The truth is Bones, if the shoe was on the other foot I would have done the same thing." Booth admitted.
"I don't know what that means." She looked at him to answer her unasked question.
Booth exhaled, "It means, if you had to leave…if you were pregnant and had to leave what we had to be with the child's father…"
"…but I'm not nor was I pregnant. We never had intercourse, close, but no cigar is the saying I believe." Said Brennan
"…I know…just listen." Booth exhaled.
"You aren't making much sense…" Brennan said a bit frustrated.
"Bones." Booth warned.
"Fine." Brennan said exasperated.
"If Bones, I said if…if you had come to me and told me we no longer could carry on with our relationship because you were pregnant and were going to marry the child's father. I would not have been able to sit around in D.C and watch you play 'happy family' while my heart was still yours." Booth said.
"If… then again, I have no way of possibly knowing this for it hasn't happened. Although, I am being hypothetical about the already hypothetical situation...but I don't believe I would have left you if I were to have realized I was pregnant with another man's child Booth." Brennan exhaled and looked deeper into his widening eyes as she continued.
"Plus, I do not believe in marriage so the odds of me marrying the hypothetical child's father would be very slim. Though, I understand you felt asking Hannah to marry you because you got her pregnant seemed like the right thing to do to you." Brennan said holding Booth's stare and silence lingered once more. "Though, hypothetically I believe if I was in a relationship with you and no longer with the hypothetical child's father. I would stay with you, only of course if you would want to be a father figure for the hypothetical baby." Brennan stammered out.
Silent words hung heavily in the air as both waited for the other to take a step off the cliff allowing the ocean to break their fall, allowing him to crash into her and her into him. To trust that her ocean eyes would fill his deep canyons once more was so scary, but in reality it really wasn't that scary at all.
Trust-another word for it was faith. It was Ashley's middle name. Ash, the baby girl that had unintentionally parted the ocean by gracing the world with her presence, and unintentionally brought it together again the day her mommy left the world.
"Bones…I...I don't know what to say to that." Booth ran a hand through his hair.
"So you would want no part in helping to raise my hypothetical child if it were not yours? Why not Booth? I mean, you did imply we are talking of metaphorical shoes. So, while I am willing to help raise Ashley and we are of no relation, you would not be willing to help raise my hypothetical child?" Brennan asked and Booth stared at her stunned at the conclusion she had drawn. Stunned in general.
Established permanent patterns, these currents lasted for tens of thousands of years. Unbroken, they didn't waiver. They remained the same since the day God ran his fingers through the ground and formed the San Andreas Fault.
If one were to drop a message in a bottle off the coast of Africa it's most likely destination would be the coast of the South Eastern United States. This is a proven fact. It is a fact currents had patterns, which lasted for tens of thousands of years. It was also a fact that these reoccurring "patterns" -these currents- could take a message in a bottle thousands of miles from one continent to another. Like a light house to a ship lost at sea, the current could guide the message back home safely. Now if only one would put pen to paper.
Okay, so not my favorite chapter and sorry so long of an update...been busy...missed the first B&B baby episode after the birth and can't get on HULU and wasn't able to Tvow it...oh well. Hope this Monday is good! Give me input on continuance w/ the story? How are you guys getting along with it? Thx! Meg ;)