"I'm at war with the world, And they
try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from your arms"
Awake and Alive - Skillet
Of all the times Joker had imagined being with Shepard (and there had been many,) he'd never given much thought to what would happen afterwards. He supposed that this was primarily because he'd never really believed it would happen, as well as the fact that he had an expectation that romantic relationships were always complicated and doomed to fail. But in the weeks following their initial encounter, Joker and Shepard fell into an easy routine, made even more remarkable by the fact that it was achieved with little to no discussion or disagreement.
Although it might not have seemed so on the surface, Joker and Shepard had very different expectations of interpersonal interactions. He kept his distance from everybody, even his crew mates. This was due in part to the nature of his position on the ship - both figuratively and literally - but it suited him just fine. He and Shepard had developed their friendship - and now their romance - due to her efforts, and he never deluded himself otherwise.
On the other hand, despite the fact that outsiders saw her as intimidating and formidable (which she was,) Shepard was regularly in a position where her life depended on others. She had very intimate relationships built on trust, respect and camaraderie with those members of her team who were in her inner circle.
The other big difference in their dealings with others was the amount of physical contact involved. Joker's mother had once told him, "There are people who live mainly in their heads, and there are people who live mainly in their bodies." While he was of the former camp, Shepard was parked firmly in the latter. Not to say that she was stupid, because she most certainly wasn't. But when it came down to it, she was a woman of action, and she relied on her physical abilities to get things done. In her everyday life, this translated into a comfort with the tactile realm that Joker just did not share. She invaded people's personal space without compunction – she was forever lurking in the cockpit although she knew it drove him absolutely crazy (or maybe because she knew?) She and Garrus had an entire vocabulary of glances, touches and gestures that no one else could begin to comprehend.
But despite all their differences, they somehow made it work. Shepard reprogrammed the security protocol so that he had open access to her quarters. Joker's meager belongings – toothbrush, uniforms, and comic books - began slowly migrating from the crew deck to Shepard's room. If one of them went to bed alone, the other was usually there when they woke up. And the slumbering partner could usually be roused for a quickie before beginning their day – or going back to sleep. Joker more eagerly than Shepard, perhaps…but he'd discovered some rather effective methods of garnering her cooperation.
By now, everyone onboard knew about their relationship. Nobody except for the members of her team would dare to challenge Shepard about it, and if any of them did, she didn't share that information with Joker. Once in a while, a member of the crew would give him a knowing glance or a raised eyebrow as he passed, but no one confronted him directly. He was protected by the umbrella of fear and respect that the men and women had for the commander - and by his own reputation as a complete misanthrope.
Their quest to build a force capable of engaging the Collectors continued. Shepard rescued Tali, a former teammate, from Haestrom, where she'd gone to complete a research project, and the quarian rejoined the squad. Next they flew to Illium, where Shepard attempted to track down a drell assassin and an asari justicar. Luckily, another former ally, Liara, was able to provide Shepard with information on her quarry. The two newest members of the crew were safely tucked away, and Shepard and Joker were relaxing in her quarters when she informed him that she was going to be helping Liara with a private matter.
"Okay," Joker responded, preoccupied with trying to get her naked.
"I'm taking only Garrus with me. No one else needs to know about this. Jeff, are you listening to me?"
"Hmm? Yeah, sure…mission, Garrus, top-secret." He nibbled on her neck, one of her weaknesses.
"We may be gone for a while. I need you to...to…dammit, Joker, you're distracting me," Shepard admonished, tilting her head to expose more of her throat to his ministrations.
"That's kind of the idea."
Joker never did find out what she needed him to do. Shepard and Garrus left late that night to meet Liara. Thirty hours later, they still hadn't returned.
"Honey, I'm home," Shepard said when she finally walked through the door to her room, shucking armor as she went.
Joker was at her desk, looking over some status reports for the ship, the stereo on low in the background. "How was your day, dear?"
"First, I fell out of a third story window. Then, I spent hours crawling around the outside of a ship in a lightning storm. And lastly, I had to fight a big ugly alien – with my bare hands. All in all, slightly above average, I'd say." The last of the armor hit the floor with a clatter. "Liara says hi."
Joker looked her over. She was covered from head to foot in grime, and she looked exhausted. "Are you okay?"
"I need a shower."
"I could join you."
"I want to get cleaner, not dirtier."
"You can get dirty first, then clean afterwards."
Shepard rolled her eyes and disappeared into the bathroom. She reappeared in minutes, naked and wet, using a towel to dry her hair.
One glance in her direction and Joker exclaimed, "Jesus, Shepard!"
"What?" Shepard replied, startled by his outburst.
"Did you have the doc check you out?" Joker approached and gently ran his fingers over her left side, where colorful bruises ran from waist to shoulder. Goose flesh rose in the wake, whether it was due to his touch or the cold, Joker couldn't say.
"Nah, nothing's broken."
"You need to be more careful."
"It's dangerous work saving the world."
"I could kiss it better."
Shepard laughed, then winced. "How do you go from concerned boyfriend to lecherous perv in five seconds flat?"
"I dunno. It's a gift. Hey, wait…did you say boyfriend?"
"Well, yeah." Shepard blushed. "You know, I just thought…I mean, I didn't mean anything by it. I don't know what else to call you."
"I could think of a few things. Boy toy. Love machine. Stud muffin. Orgasm donator."
Her response was another roll of the eyes.
"But boyfriend's good. God knows you've called me much worse."
"Much, much worse," Shepard agreed.
Joker wrapped his arms around her gently. Her skin was still warm and dewy from the shower. "You smell good enough to eat."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, really.
"You have a one-track mind, Moreau."
Joker kissed the hollow of her throat, feeling the flutter of her pulse beneath his lips. "Good thing for me you like the tune," he murmured.
Joker guided Shepard toward the bed and trailed kisses down her body, from her neck to her chest, lips barely grazing her bruised ribs, down between her thighs. Her hands gently gripped his head, guiding his tongue where she wanted it to go. Shepard arched her back, lifting her hips off the bed to accommodate his endeavors. And just before he pushed her over the edge, Shepard's fingers intertwined with his where they grasped her waist, and she squeezed tightly as she called his name.
Shepard was asleep within minutes. It wasn't until afterwards, when Joker was covering her with the blanket, that he realized he was still fully clothed and hadn't gotten anything out of their encounter other than the satisfaction of pleasing her. It was a new experience for him, but one that he'd enjoyed more than he would have thought possible.
Shepard would most likely be the death of him, but at least he was going to enjoy the ride.
You didn't have to be sleeping with the commander to know that their operation wasn't proceeding exactly as planned. Things had first begun to go seriously wrong after the visit to Horizon. They'd gotten there too late to save many of the colonists, and Shepard had endured an uncomfortable reunion with Ashley. After the failed mission, the Illusive Man had admitted to using Shepard to lure the Collectors (yes, Joker eavesdropped on these conversations – so sue him) and she had expressed her displeasure at this news in no uncertain terms. The Illusive Man had been typically unfazed by her anger.
Later, after the fake distress call from the dormant, but not fully disabled, Collector ship, the entire crew had been fuming. The Illusive Man had outright lied to them, and the Normandy had almost been destroyed. Again. Shepard had raged and sworn, and their boss had accepted it with his usual equanimity, which Joker knew only served to further infuriate the boss. When Shepard attacked, she liked her opponents to fight back. After the transmission ended, Joker heard nothing but ragged breathing over the comm for several seconds.
"He's trying to get us killed. Cerberus spent billions of credits on rebuilding me, and this ship, and he could care less if we all go down in flames."
"We haven't yet," Garrus' flanged voice reply, mildly.
Shepard gave a bitter bark of laughter. "Luck."
"No. Not just luck."
Joker heard a resigned sigh. "I don't mind a suicide mission, Garrus. I just like to know who my enemies are."
"Well, now you know. First, we go after the Collectors. Then, if you want, we'll track down the Illusive Man."
"Aw, Garrus, you sweet talker. You sure do know the way to a girl's heart, don't you?"
The turian chuckled. "Only yours, Shepard."
Joker stabbed violently at the comm button and heard a "snap!" He'd fractured his damn thumb. Again.
"The control buttons are pressure sensitive, Mr. Moreau. There's no need to engage them with such force."
"EDI?"
"Yes, Jeff?"
"Shut up."
When Joker entered Shepard's quarters later that evening, she was sitting on the couch, datapads strewn everywhere. She glanced up and gave him a weary smile.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself. What are you doing?"
"Just looking over these intel reports. Trying to find something – anything – I might have missed. Trying to figure out how much is fact and how much is fiction." Shepard sighed and pushed the devices aside. "But anyway…"
"You can talk to me, you know," Joker blurted.
Shepard gave him a raised eyebrow. "I thought that's what I was doing."
"No, about this stuff…mission stuff."
"O-kay." Shepard drew the word out, looking puzzled.
"You know…if there's stuff you're worried about. Or if you're just looking for some feedback."
Shepard slouched on the couch, regarding him with tired eyes. "You're never shy about providing me with 'feedback.' And I ask your opinion about the crew and the mission all the time. You usually tell me you're not a 'people person.'"
"I know. You're right. But I'm going to do better. I want you to know that you can count on me."
The commander's expression softened. Shepard swept the detritus off of the sofa and patted the space next to her. Joker accepted the invitation. "I know that, Jeff. I do count on you, all the time. Gawd, without you and Garrus here…" She shuddered. "I don't know what I'd do."
Joker frowned at the mention of Garrus' name, but held his tongue. He knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of the turian. He knew there was nothing physical between them - and yet, that wasn't as reassuring as it should have been. Earlier that day, overhearing Shepard confide in Garrus, Joker had realized that he wanted to be the one she came to with her problems. He wanted to be the one to soothe her concerns, to play the role of supporter and protector. Joker had begun to think of Shepard as his, and he didn't like the thought of sharing her with another male. It was stupid, and primal, which is why he didn't express these feelings to Shepard.
But it was how he felt, nonetheless.
A crooked grin spread across Shepard's face as she regarded him more closely. "You're not getting nervous that I'm just keeping you around for the sex, are you?"
"No!"
"I value your brain as well as your body, Mr. Moreau," Shepard teased, as she reached up and stroked his beard, affectionately.
"But it's mostly about the sex. Right?" Joker asked, attempting to lighten the mood.
"Mostly," Shepard agreed.
"Cool." When Joker reached up and pulled her to him for a kiss, Shepard noticed the splint on his finger.
"What happened this time?"
"Nothing."
The team had only just arrived back on the Normandy from Pragia when EDI notified Joker about a disturbance in Miranda's office. Joker quickly got Shepard on the comm.
"Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a…disagreement. Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"
"Fuck. Okay, I'll deal with it."
"Take pictures."
Joker had opened the comm link to Miranda's office in order to monitor the situation, so he heard the door swish open when Shepard arrived.
"Touch me and I will smear the walls with you, bitch!" he heard Jack snarl.
"Enough! Stand down…both of you!" Shepard's voice rang with authority.
"She won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!'
"It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly, you were a mistake."
"Screw you! You've got no idea what they put me through. Maybe it's time I showed you."
"I said, that's enough! We have more important things to worry about."
"She can't be trusted, Shepard. She'll jeopardize the whole mission," Miranda declared.
"If we survive this, you two can tear each other apart. Until then, save your hate for the Collectors."
"Oh, she'll survive. I'll make sure of it," Jack responded, in a tone that sent a chill down Joker's spine. "Then, I'll tear her apart myself."
Stomping footfalls retreated, followed by a moment of silence.
"It's a good thing you came by when you did. She's unstable," the Cerberus officer announced with disdain.
"The people I recruit are my business, Miranda. I expect you two to put aside your differences until the mission is over."
When Miranda replied, her voice was as cold as ice. "Whatever you say, Commander."
The door hissed open again, and after a few moments of silence, Joker broke the connection.
When Shepard entered the cockpit an hour or so later, ill-temper practically radiated off of her. Joker knew, down to his core, that he should just keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately, knowing and doing turned out to be two very different things.
"Glad we figured out for sure that Jack is crazy, because that was really up in the air - just hanging there. I know I, for one, had my doubts."
Angry eyes fixed on him from above. "Why do you just assume it was Jack's fault?"
"What?"
"Why do you automatically take Miranda's side? You think she's a saint in all this?"
"No! I didn't say that…"
"Ever since Jack came on board, all you've done is make cracks about how she's crazy. Why do you think she's crazy, Jeff? 'Cause she grew up without parents? 'Cause she has tattoos? 'Cause she kills people?"
Too late, Joker realized that they weren't talking about Jack anymore. "Shepard…"
"Maybe you should try getting to know someone before you make assumptions about them," Shepard demanded before she stalked out of the cockpit.
"Shepard…" Joker called after her, but she didn't turn around.
When Joker went to the top deck later that night, she hadn't locked him out. He took that as a good sign. Shepard was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The stereo was on; the lights low. He settled beside her gingerly, careful not to make physical contact.
"Hey," Joker said.
"Hi."
"I'm sorry about before."
"Me, too. I was in a foul mood. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"You know I talk shit about everyone. I didn't mean anything by it."
"I know. It's just…" Shepard rose and began pacing, her posture exuding tension. Joker waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. "You should have seen that place, Jeff. Jack was just a kid, and she grew up in this tiny fucking cell. And it was Cerberus' doing. I mean, I know these aren't good guys, but goddamn. I thought the way I grew up was rough, but at least I was free. I ran wild in the streets, but it was better than being caged like an animal!"
"I'm sorry," Joker said again, and he was - for both of them.
"I know what people see when they see Jack. But you know what I see? I see me. I was that angry kid – hell, I still am! I just control it better now."
"Shepard, you're not Jack."
Shepard heaved a sigh and perched on the edge of the bed next to him. "What makes you so sure? People toss around this term 'hero' when they talk about me. I'm no damned hero. I know the Reapers are out there, so I might as well die trying to stop them as wait for them to come for me. Die now, or die later. What's the difference?"
"You died to save me."
Shepard glanced at him, and then quickly looked away. "That's different."
"Yeah, exactly. The difference between you and Jack is that you care about people other than yourself. Any member of your crew would take a bullet for you because they know you'd do the same for them. Jack doesn't care about anyone but herself."
"She's afraid."
Joker snorted. "Aren't we all? The trick is to put your faith in the right people."
Their eyes held for a long moment, before Shepard cracked a half-smile. "And you claim you're not a people person. When did you get so damn smart?"
"I don't like people. That doesn't mean I don't understand them. And I keep trying to tell you, I have brains as well as beauty, but you don't believe me."
"Hmm."
"And for the record, I wasn't trying to take Miranda's side. Jack may be crazy, but Miranda's a bitch…a mean, bossy, probably traitorous bitch."
Shepard laughed.
The sound was music to Joker's ears. Shepard had been upset, and he had fixed it. Take that, Garrus.
"Hey, did you see what just happened here?" Joker asked her.
"What?"
"We had our first fight."
Shepard looked at him like he was insane. "Joker, I've known you for a long time. That was definitely not our first fight."
"Well, okay, not our first fight, ever. But before, you would say hurtful things to me, I would pout, you would ignore me, and then I would have to be the bigger person and forgive you."
"Well, I agree about the pouting bit."
"But this time," Joker continued, undaunted, "we both apologized and talked it out."
Shepard pondered that for a moment. "Does this mean we're in a healthy adult relationship?"
Joker shuddered. "God forbid."