These characters belong to Janet I am just borrowing them for my amusement. Although I would love to keep Ranger and the merry men for myself!
This story does contain violence, and touches on dark subject matters. This story is not friendly to Morelli or Helen Plum so for Cupcake fans you have been warned.
I want to thank everyone who writes a review for my story. I enjoy reading them and I love ideas they give me so keep them coming! You do my soul good!
I have a website that I have created to give you all something to explore to dig deeper into the story "What does it mean to trust" You can go to the following website and see character bios (along with some pictures of what I think they would look like), ask questions, give suggestions, see Stephanie's training schedule, Lester's personal vehicles, Cars trucks, and bikes that are in the Rangeman Compound, Rangeman test requirements, and pictures of the places they have been and of Stephanie's ring and clothing. I will continue to add additional information to this website so continue to check out the website.
www(dot)fanfictionstoryinfo(dot)webnode(dot)com
You will then click on the tab that says "What does it mean to" I hope you enjoy it. Please sign the guest book so I know you have been there and tell me what you think.
Warning: once again I am issue a tissue warning…maybe not as emotional as last chapter but none the less emotional so to be on the safe side I am issuing a tissue warning for those reading.
Chapter 29: Trusting Yourself PT2
RPOV
I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't think, I can't speak, I can't even feel my own heart beating only pain, only excruciating pain. I wish I could say I couldn't hear but that seems to be the one thing on me working. Maybe hearing is the only thing that is actually functioning for me right now. I don't think I can move. I hear her words echoing off the walls. They echo within my head which feels vastly empty. If it wasn't for knowing her words were causing this reaction in me I would be worried.
I know it isn't anything wrong with me medically this was emotional and it was more crippling than anything physically could ever do to me. My heart was being crushed inside me, my soul was screaming in agony as it was being torn apart from her words.
She was going to walk away from me. She was going to leave me. Not because she felt like we couldn't protect her. Not because she didn't feel secure and safe in my arms but because she felt like she brought danger to our lives. To our lives fucking mercenaries who thrived on danger and adrenaline I would laugh at the thought if it wasn't for the pain this was causing. She thought she failed, she thought she disappointed us. She thought we wouldn't be able to trust her. She thought she would never to be able to trust herself, trust herself that she could protect us. Protect us when we would give our lives for her ten times over before we would ever allow anything to harm her or for her to give her life for us practically soulless men if it weren't for her.
If anything we are the ones that failed her. We are the ones that brought danger in her life and then failed to protect her when she needed it. We are the ones that she should be disappointed in we are the ones that she shouldn't trust to keep her safe or secure. We were the ones that she shouldn't trust to protect her. This has been the second time that my men allowed Morelli to get to her. Hell if you count the night at dinner with her parent's I had failed too so make that three fucking times.
The only one of us that had done anything was Hector when he threw Morelli down on the sidewalk. I should have done more and just said fuck it that he is a cop I could handle it. If he fucking arrested me I would just call my government contacts and they would fucking take care of the charges. Fuck. I should have just kicked the shit out of him when all of this started and taught him a fucking lesson that he doesn't mess with anything that is mine.
Why the fuck hadn't I done that. Anyone else had done this to her and they would no longer be breathing. Hell from the very beginning I would have made them realize the error of their ways and they would have either conformed to what I told them and left her the fuck alone or they would be pushing up daises and I wouldn't give a fuck either way instead I am running around with my dick in my hand acting like I didn't have a choice I had a fucking choice and I had chosen wrong. I had taught the gang members of Stark Street to fear me more than God and I would teach this fucking cop the same.
When they took Stephanie and we got her back thank God before anything devastating happened to her even though what did happen was bad enough I needed revenge. The next night I paid them a little visit. Even though all of the gang bangers who had grabbed her had been killed that night it wasn't good enough for me. Maybe it was because I didn't have their blood on my hands. Sally Sweet had taken care of them and I never in my life had been more thankful to anyone. But the next night I walked the street of Stark Street fucking daring them to touch me, to touch my Babe again. I made it clear what was mine and that I protected what was mine. I am not sure how many gang bangers were planted that night. Some because of the beast within me needed revenge some because I needed to send a message some because they just fucking pissed me off for looking at me the wrong way. I didn't really need an excuse I was sending a damn message and the message was fucking heard. No one messed with my woman no one messed with what was mine.
Instead of doing what I would normally do I allowed the love my life to be harmed, to be placed in a position that was dangerous with a man that I knew to be mentally unstable at the least. I had fucking failed miserably on this one, I had never in my life fucked up so badly. If this had been a mission I would be fucking dead, if this had been a business decision I would be paying for it and none of those two things were more important to me than the woman who is standing in front of me telling me all of us that she is leaving me, leaving us. I almost want to just hang my head and let her walk out because she deserves so much better than me. I have always known that I have always known she deserves better than my darken blackened scared worthless soul but she made me a better man she made me a worthy man she made me a selfish man she made me a greedy man for a life that I never thought I would have.
I had fucked up she meant the world to me, everything to me all that I am everything I have nothing is more important than her and I would have protected my cars better than her. How could have I failed to see that until now? Because he was a fucking cop and I was concerned of what might happen what that fucking cop would do I didn't want to go to jail and be taken away from my Babe but in feeling that way and responding the way I had. I had failed to protect the woman who was my life, my everything.
That shit was going to end tonight. There would be no more. If he pulled another fucking gun on her, me, or my men he was going down like any other fucker that would have the balls to pull a gun on us. If he raised a hand to my Babe that fucker was going to be eating dirt. If I could convince her to stay I will never fail her again. I will never fail to protect her, keep her safe, keep her secure. Cop or no fucking cop he would learn not to fuck with me or mine. It was time to send another message only this message wasn't for Stark Street. This message was for a fucking cop who wasn't even as good as the lowliest gang banger or hooker on Stark.
Santos broke me out of my self examination when I heard him raise his voice above that of my Babe. They were yelling back and forth she was trying to cut him off but he wasn't having it. He was going to be heard. I had to hold myself back control the urge to go kick the shit out of him for yelling at my woman. No one yelled at her but I knew what he was doing. I knew how much he loved her I knew how his heart was breaking and I knew how desperate he was because I felt the same way only more so. He couldn't stand the thought of losing her.
Lester won and my Babe fell silent but I couldn't tell if she was listening to him. I couldn't tell if she was hearing him her face was blank her eyes were glazed with no emotion. Fuck. I was praying like I had never prayed before, I was praying begging god, the father, the son, and the holy ghost for My Babe to listen to his words. I was praying to Jesus, Mother Mary, Buddha, Allah, Braham, Vishhnu, and I even threw in a few Greek Gods Aphrodite, Apollo, Hera, Eros for good measure and since I was praying to the Greek Gods I couldn't leave out Ares the god of war after all this was the most important battle of my life. This was my life and I couldn't lose this. I couldn't lose her. I would pray to every god, saint hell I would pray to the bum that is hanging out under the Route one bridge if would keep my Babe with me.
Normally I would be too proud too stubborn to be too much of a badass beg or to admit or fuck even feel the total desperation I was feeling but I couldn't not at this moment I couldn't fight it. It was all consuming and if my men thought I was weak for it then I would have to later teach them a lesson they would never forget and would never question my ability as a leader, a solider a complete and total badass but right now I was vulnerable I was desperate and I was grasping at anything and everything that would make my life, my light, my breathe, my soul stay with me.
Lester's voice got soft when he finished his last sentence and I could see tears well up in my Babe's eyes but they didn't spill over. I saw him nod at her answering her questioning look she then turned to me looking at me still silent. I said another quick prayer, praying I wouldn't fuck this up.
I stepped closer and took her beautiful face in my hands. Cupping her beautiful face holding her in front of me so she wouldn't take her eyes away from mine she had to see in my eyes that I was going to tell her the truth the only way I knew it. I took a breath quickly gathered my thoughts and then proceeded to spill my heart in front of her, in front of most all of my men. I would rather be alone but I couldn't think about it. I had to save my life, the life of my men, and hopefully her life as well.
"Babe I love you with all I have. I trust you with all I am with my life I trust you more than I trust myself. I have always trusted you to have my back. I have never been more proud of you when you protected Cal. I have never seen you as a failure. You have never failed, not a single time not once. You have only excelled and impressed the hell out of me and my men. Babe I know you think you failed to act but you did act at exactly the time it was needed the most. I know you felt like you were unable to control your emotions but Babe that takes years not hours of training. But even then you acted when the moment called for it. Whether you realized it or not you knew the danger Cal was in and you acted in time to save his life even if you were terrified for your own you protected and saved his." I told her.
Before she could say anything I continued. "Babe I said a lot of stupid shit to you and trust me I am sorry for every word of it. Know that when I said my life didn't lend itself to relationships it wasn't for me for my safety or for any possibility of added dangers around my life you would bring. I already have plenty of those. It was for two reasons. One to protect you from the dangers in my life but more than that to protect my heart which I knew could be crushed by you if you didn't return my feelings for you. If you didn't love me as much as I love you. It was to protect me from what is happening right now as I feel that my heart is being crushed within my body to the point that it will never be right it will never survive you walking out of that door. Please Babe stay, stay with me be my wife, be my partner my soul mate the other half of me. Please Babe."
I needed her to understand that it was never concern for my safety for making my life less dangerous it was to keep her from the dangers of my life. It was to protect my heart as well but that was just because I wanted this so bad and I wasn't sure this would ever be possible that this was something I would ever be allowed to have with my life past and present.
I watched as the tears spilled over her eyes and ran unchecked down her face but she wasn't saying anything she wasn't answering me either way. Was she leaving me was she staying with me? This is killing me. I can't tell by looking at her face it's still blank even though the tears are flowing. Fuck. I decided to keep going and confess what I wasn't sure I wanted to confess in front of my men. They were going to beat my ass for this. One couldn't kick my ass and maybe not two depending on whom the two were but all thirteen could definitely kick my ass. What the hell did I have to lose? If I lost her already I had lost everything that mattered if it would make her stay I would take the ass beating every day for the rest of my life.
"Babe I failed you not the other way around. I failed to protect you like I should have. Because I failed to act when I should have you have been attacked now three times by someone who should have never been allowed to lay a finger on you the first time." I told her. I got a little reaction from her when I said I was failure her. That may be a good sign.
"Babe I should have done something. I didn't because I didn't want to take the chance of getting arrested and taken away from you but I have learned that was wrong Babe. Had he been a regular civilian he more than likely would not be breathing at this moment for all he has done to you, and now to us. All of us." I included my men because this affected them too. If she left they would lose their sister who they loved and needed. She was the glue that bound us all together.
"Babe I have protected my cars better." I confessed to her. "I failed you and I can only beg your forgiveness, I can only beg you for your trust because I have come to realize I didn't protect you when you needed protected. I was scared of what might happen unlike you. You protected Cal when it was needed at the exact moment it was needed with no regard to what might happen. You didn't consider what might happen to you, you only protected him and saved him. I didn't even do that for you. I hope that you can find a way to trust me because Babe I will tell you that I will never fail to protect you again." I promised her. I didn't tell her that I had planned to pay the fucking cop a visit that he would never forget. One that I wouldn't mind repeating the lesson as many times as it was needed until he heeded my warning and if not well I would just end his miserable excuse of a life I have killed people of higher rank before than a detective fucking cop.
My men hadn't thought about me failing to protect her not until I explained it to them, but since explaining it to them and them seeing the truth in my words they were pissed at me and I could feel the tension coming off of them. Mat time was going to be hell but fuck I deserved it and as overprotective big brothers they were I would take my ass beating. If she still walked out then I knew it would be even worse and I just hoped that Bobby would be willing to fix my sorry ass afterwards not that I would probably want to be fix because the part of me that would be broken the most would still be un-repairable.
I paused for a second and with my thumbs wiped the tears off of my Babe's cheeks. Her eyes were blood shot and red she had a bruise that had formed over her left cheek and eye seeing that fueled my anger and the promise of revenge that was planned for that fucking cop.
If I was right and I am sure I am right Officer Gasprickfuck would be dropping Joe off at home instead of the police station. Joe wouldn't have any charges filed against him as they would figure out a way to cover his ass. Protect his ass. In a way that pissed me off but on the other hand well it gave me opportunities that if he went to jail I wouldn't have well wouldn't have as easily.
"Babe please listen to us we mean what we say and we are telling you the truth. You have never failed us, you have never failed to protect us, and you haven't brought any dangers to our lives that we didn't already have Babe. We all need you. Lester needs his best friend, his beautiful. Cal needs his angel, Hector needs his angelita, Tank needs his Little Girl, Bobby needs his bomber, Woody needs his darling, Manny needs his wifey, and Babe everyone else needs their bombshell. I, well I need my Babe, my light, my air, the other half of my soul, the other part of me, the woman who said she would be my wife I need her. I won't survive without you Babe. Please trust us please Babe trust me and stay with us stay with me." I begged her. I didn't know what else to say to her to convince her to stay I had laid everything out I was at her mercy now.
SPOV
Tears were pouring down my cheeks hearing Ranger's words, having heard Lester's words and Cal's. Was it true? Had I acted at just the right time to save Cal's life? I mean really? Or did my action cause Joe's finger to put too much pressure against the trigger and caused the gun to go off.
I knew they would never flat out lie to me I just wondered if they really saw what they thought they saw. I wondered if what they were saying was true. I knew that a week of training wasn't enough to be a Rangeman but I also knew that I couldn't bring danger to these guy's lives. I know they all had dangers in their lives, just being a Rangeman brought about certain dangers that most people would never encounter in their lives but I couldn't add to that danger. I couldn't be a burden to them. I wouldn't allow that. Trust me when I say I needed them as much if not more than they needed me. I loved them all and they were my brothers even if I had of had brothers they wouldn't have been more of a brother to me than these guys standing in front of me now.
Listening to Lester and seeing his eyes had been all I could do not to break down. But when I turned to Ranger and he started pouring his heart out to me and I saw the words reflected in his eyes, the love, the heart break, the lost feelings I knew those feelings I was feeling them. I was feeling every ounce of the pain and heart break the loss he was feeling maybe more because he was just losing me not all of his brothers like I was losing.
If I walked out that door tonight I would be walking away from everything. The love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my brothers the only family I had now that I have officially cut my parent's out of my life. I guess the only family I would have left is my Grandma and I loved her dearly but I needed more than her in my life in order to survive. The only way I would survive is if I had Ranger in my life. I knew that.
Regardless of knowing how this would kill me and how this would be the hardest thing I could ever do would ever do in my life I knew that unless I could trust myself trust that I wouldn't bring additional danger to their life because of my lack of training or my lack of the ability to react when needed due to fear or emotions. Unless I could trust myself that I could and would protect them until my last breath of air no matter what I couldn't stay with them. I couldn't be a part of them, not their daily lives.
Maybe I wouldn't have to give them up completely but I definitely couldn't work here, partner with them, live here, or ask them for their help if I went back to Vinnie's after all I can't put them in a position where I couldn't be their backup and couldn't protect them not loving them the way I did. They were family, they were just as much blood as my Grandma was to me and I was protective over my family.
I know you say I cast out my other family members and I did but it wasn't without difficult, it wasn't without regret it was out of self preservation they wanted me to change, they wanted me to become someone I wasn't someone I would rather die than being and they were never supportive of me. It was for my own betterment that I separated myself from them but I never really want harm to come to them and in a way I would always love them.
Listening to Ranger tell me how much he loved me is like music to my ears, balm to my soul, and superglue to my heart but the fear that I could cause him to be taken from me was real the reason was real and I couldn't just let go of that. Him leaving me, or me leaving him is one thing and that is debilitating but him being killed or maimed to the point that I would never even want to consider well that is just not possible that is stop all of the air in my lungs, stop my heart from beating to even think about.
I love him so much, more than the air I breathe, more than the boston crèmes I eat, more than life itself. There is nothing I love more. How do you walk away from that? I tell you the thought isn't without difficult it almost sears your lungs it hurts so badly. He had my face cupped in his hands forcing me to look him in the eyes and there were several moments when I really wanted to look away to keep my strength to keep my resolve from cracking because I couldn't lose them not that way.
I know for many it wouldn't make sense for me to feel this way because I was walking away I was losing them but they would be able to go on. They were breathing, their hearts beating. If I stayed and it caused one of them to be killed kind of like Cal tonight could have died had the gun gone off sooner or had he been standing in the wrong place he could have died and I can't lose them like that.
Even if I walk away they will still be here living their lives breathing and I will still have them because while I might not work here or live here they will always be my brothers. I hear Ranger say that he failed me and I tried to interrupt him I tried to shake my head no and tell him he had never failed me. I had failed him. Ranger has never failed me he could never fail me. I am almost to the point of desperate to tell him that he had never failed me that it wasn't possible. That he had always protected me, he had always saved me if anyone was the failure it was me I had been a failure my whole life now was no different.
Before I could voice what I so desperately wanted to tell him he continued telling me how they couldn't lose me. Lester couldn't lose his best friend, his beautiful, he called each of the guys who had a nickname for me and told me how they couldn't lose me using the nickname they used hell I didn't even know he had paid that much attention to know. But he was Batman of course he paid attention he was always aware of his surroundings. When he got to him and I saw the pain, the desperation the vulnerability, the love, the need in his eyes I knew I would never walk away from. I could never even if the reasons for doing so were so great and for the good. I couldn't do it after hearing those words.
I wasn't sure to scream in frustration, cry from hysteria, or laugh from the joy that filled my heart knowing I was never going to be able to actually go anywhere. That they were as much a part of me as he was saying I was to him. How the fuck was I going to protect them? How was I going to know that I had their back? How was I going to trust that I wasn't going to bring danger to their life if I stayed with them?
They told me that I saved Cal's life tonight I am still not sure I saved his life rather than almost caused his death but Lester seemed pretty sure even to the point that he was willing to bet my life and I knew he would never bet my life lightly no more than I would bet his or anyone one of my brother's or Carlos' life. God allowing myself to think of him as Carlos again nearly brought me to my knees as my crying notched up another level due to the hysteria I was feeling of being so conflicted yet so cemented where I was.
I was going to have to figure out a way to prove to myself that I could and would protect everyone on of their lives when called for, especially Carlos' life. I needed to figure out a way that I could trust myself. Prove to myself that I could trust myself that no matter how scared I was, no matter how emotional I was when the moment arose that I could and would act to protect them, that my being there in that state would not negatively or dangerously impact their lives.
I don't know what I will do if I find that I can't trust myself as I don't think I have the ability to do the right thing but I am going to first prove to myself and to the guys one way or the other if I am Rangeman material and the only way to do that is complete my training the best I can and continue my training and my testing. The emotional piece was scaring the hell out of me they said years and I didn't know if I had years.
I didn't know if I would ever be able to control my emotions and I knew that was key to acting in time to save a life. I knew that was key in acting with thought instead of fly by your seat and I am definitely the fly by the seat of your pants type of girl so I don't know if I have it in me but I am going to have to try, I am going to have to do all I can do to be Rangeman material because lord knows I can't be anything else and survive without them, without Carlos.
I took a deep breath and tried to gather my thoughts to give them an answer the only answer I knew to give them along with all the conditions when Lester spoke up.
LPOV
Fuck she wasn't answering him only crying and looking as if she was half hysterical. I wish I knew what was going thru her mind. Fuck. Think solider what the fuck can you do Ranger just poured his heart out to her if she doesn't stay for those reasons then we are all fucked front, back, and sideways.
Think what was it she said, fuck pull it together solider and fucking think. She wants to know she can protect us, she wants to know that she doesn't bring danger to our lives because she doesn't respond appropriately or in time. That's what she said right? Or something like that. Fuck I am almost too panicked at the moment to think straight.
How can we prove this to her? How can we show her she has the skills necessary to do all of that? She has another week of training but what can we do now to prove to her she has the basic skills needed. We could give her a test. We could take her to the compound all of us and put her thru a series of tests. We could use the paintball and laser tag arenas as well as the gun alley we could use the boxing arena we could make this work. We could even use the woods. I could come up with something.
I know we were all waiting for an answer but the longer it drew out the more I feared her answer the more I didn't want to hear her answer so I thought I would offer her another option from walking away from us.
"Beautiful I have an idea. You said you wanted to know that you could protect us, that you wouldn't bring danger to our lives because you were unable to respond in time to protect us. I have an idea of how we can prove to you that you already possess all of skills required for that." I am still making this shit up as I go but it's the best I can come up with at the time.
I look at Ranger and his brow furrows he isn't so happy with my idea. He is probably worried about if the plan backfires and we don't prove it and we in turn prove something else to her not that he doubted her abilities he was the first to brag about her abilities and her spidey senses. But we knew that Beautiful held a different set of expectations for herself than anyone else. It would be hell convincing her of this of her successes.
I shrugged slightly at him it was the best thing I could come up with okay seeing his point and knowing her the way I do I was starting to think this may not have been the best of ideas but at least it was something. It was a possibility of her staying with us where as with her silence I wasn't getting a good feeling from it all especially the hysteria of her crying because I knew walking away from us would be hearting wrenching for her as well as for us. So the more she cried only scared me more and made me reach out for any lifeline available to keep my Beautiful with me with us.
She focused her eyes back on me "Lester what are you thinking?" She asked me.
She was interested, YES! I caught her attention and she finally broke her silence. Whew. Now how do I fucking put this? "Beautiful since you are the one that wants to know you can protect us, that you would when necessary I am proposing a test of sorts." I tell her but because I want to make it clear it isn't us that needs this I continue.
"None of us in this room need for you to do this test to know and trust that you would do the right thing when the time was needed but for your sake you don't. Because you don't trust yourself, so I propose a test that will prove to you that you can trust yourself." Whew that didn't sound too bad for a desperate guy flying by the seat of his pants. My voice didn't even break or sound to desperate although I am sure the guys have picked up on it oh well fuck them. If any of them had anything better they sure as fuck weren't fucking voicing it.
Ranger had poured is heart out and it wasn't making a difference and I had told her all about what I saw with Cal and that hadn't made a difference something had to make a fucking difference. So if they had something better by all means let's fucking hear it but if not shut the fuck up about me sounding desperate or I will kick their asses for thinking it after I convince her to do this.
"Well we can come up with specifics later but I was thinking we could all take you to the compound and we could put you thru a series of tests the tests will be done in a way that you would be able to prove to yourself that you have the skills necessary to protect your brothers, your best friend, and your soul mate with the training you have right now." I tell her as confident as I could be seen as I no idea what fucking tests I was going to pull off that would do that but I would come up with something between now and then whenever then was if I could get her to fall for the bait.
She looked at me "Okay Lester we will do it. It's three thirty in the morning right now. Today is Sunday and I know that most of you have off tomorrow as the contract workers will be working the command room. So let's plan on going to the compound later today say around two this afternoon. It will give us all time to get some sleep as we can sleep in a little tomorrow."
I could see exhaustion around her eyes, I could see exhaustion around Rangers eyes and the rest of the guy's eyes and I knew I was fucking exhausted beyond belief. Between dancing tonight, then the adrenaline rush with the run in with the fucking cop, then the emotional rush and more adrenaline I was just about at the end of my rope. But a bigger part of me didn't want to leave her. Didn't want to go down to my apartment not if her time with us was to be limited if we were unable to convince her. Fuck I don't think any of us wanted to leave her tonight. The scare of what could have happen with her, to the scare of what she was saying had us all feeling a little raw and on edge. For some of us I am sure we would hit the gym to work off the adrenaline and pissed off feelings we were having before going to bed.
SPOV
Lester gave me the perfect solution. He is always there for me now if I can prove to myself that I am worthy of Rangeman material and of being Carlo's wife then I will stay with the love my life and my brothers and become a full time Rangeman. If I fail at these tests then I will know I am not able to be this and then I will have to figure out how to walk away which I am not sure is possible at this point but I will make it possible to protect them if I have move myself to Siberia or ship myself to a third world country.
We all agree to go to the compound tomorrow at two in the afternoon. Until then I need a little sleep. I want so bad to go back to bed with Carlos but if I fail these tests later today I don't want to have us making love adding to the hardship of me having to find a way to walk away.
But I couldn't just leave Carlos having poured his heart out to me and left unanswered. I had to say something to him. I had to tell him how I felt.
"Carlos" I got his attention and I saw a ghost of a smile start on his face for me having called him Carlos in front of his men. Shit I had forgotten about that I still called him Ranger in front of his men, oh well. "I want to tell you that I love you with all I am all I will ever have and it is only because of how strong that love is that I feel this strong about needing to be able to respond and protect you when needed without my fear or emotions getting in the way. I can't lose you like that Carlos. I can't have you taken from me like that. I would rather walk away than be the reason you were taken like that from me. If it comes to that walking away from you is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do if I don't prove to myself I can protect you. I don't know how I will survive it but I can't risk your life for mine. I can't risk your life for my survival. Please know that I love you so much more than anything I have ever loved. Know that I would give all I am all I have to be your wife to be your lover your partner and I will do anything in my power to be what you need but if I don't have it if I don't have what it takes then I have to walk away. Because I can't be a risk for you, an added danger to you I can't live with that anymore than I could live with walking away from you but I won't risk your life. As to your comment about you failing me know that you have never failed me. You have never failed to save me or protect me. Everyone knows you have always done whatever was necessary to protect me and you have never failed at it not in my eyes."
I told him. Screw the heartbreak it would bring it wouldn't be any more added than was there I needed our connection one more night. I would pray and beg for more but I needed tonight.
I reached up cupping his face in mine and pulled him into me until my lips brushed his and him needing the connection as much maybe more than I did grabbed me and pulled me to him crashing his lips down on mine. God this felt so good as I let him control the kiss feeling his hunger his need his love it was about my undoing but I pulled myself back before I really embarrassed myself in front of my brother's.
When I looked out around at my brothers none of them were looking at us. They had found something interesting on the floor, the wall, the shelves, the table, the ceiling there were no eyes on us. They were giving us what privacy they were able to give at the moment. I knew they didn't want to leave anymore than I wanted them to leave but I needed Carlos in a private way and I wasn't going to share that with them even my brothers weren't going to be a part of my life in those regards. That was solely Carlos' and mine I didn't want them hearing me, us.
"Guys" I said to get their attention and all of their eyes snapped back on me I had their full attention. "I want you all to know that I love you all you are all my brothers. I don't take lightly what I said I mean it. I love you all too much to lose you at my incompetence. I hope I prove myself wrong tomorrow I look forward to the challenge but I want the challenge I want as close to real life as it can get no holding back and no swaying the results because you want me to stay. Please respect my decision in this and know that above anything I made this decision because of my true unconditional love I have for you all."
I kept going there was one I hadn't responded to my best friend so I turned to Lester. "Lester. You are my brother, and you are my best friend and you know how much that means to me and how much I treasure what we have what we share. I don't ever want to let go of any of it know that understand that but also understand how it kill me if I was the reason something happened to you, or to the love of my life" I turned to look at Carlos "my true soul mate" focusing back on Lester "or my brothers. Please understand that. I will do this test of yours but I beg you to make it fair don't make it too easy." I needed them to really understand that I needed to prove this to me. I needed to know that I could trust myself.
"Beautiful we all understand your feelings and trust me what I have planned will be challenging but not to the point that you won't be able to succeed with the skills you have been giving this week. I promise you we won't make it easy on you or make it so you will succeed just because we want you to stay with us. You can trust me even though losing you will be the hardest thing I will ever have to survive I promise you right now it will be fair and challenging." I saw the pain in his eyes for having said that for thinking the possibility but I needed the assurance. If I was going to trust this test then I needed to know it wasn't skewed for my success.
Now was time for a little one on one Carlos time I needed to feel him in a way that being in his arms just wasn't allowing. I needed our connection. "Guys how about we all get some rest and meet up tomorrow say around one in the afternoon to prepare to head over to the compound?" I asked them. They grunted this was a big baby way of saying they didn't want to go. But they finally nodded I think Carlos gave them a look that said he needed them to leave now. I think he needed to feel our connection as much if not more than I did.
The guys proceeded to head to the door but not before each giving me a hug and a squeeze holding me to them giving me a kiss on the cheek or forehead all whispering in my ear some form of how they loved me, cherished me, and trusted me with their life. I was almost crying again hearing them. Hector was one of the last ones. I should have known how much my statements would hurt him. But like the others I wouldn't risk his life anymore than others. He looked at me hugged me kissed my forehead and then in English said "I protect you". I knew he understood me but I hope one of the guys translated to him.
I nodded and ran the tips of my fingers across his tear drops and then kissed them and just said "I protect you too." He squeezed me tighter against him and then reluctantly on his part let me go.
Cal then came up to me hugged me kissed me on my cheek I gave him a kiss on his tattoo. "Cal I am sorry I got you shot." I told him he shook his head
"Angel Lester is right he was already pulling the trigger you saved my life you didn't get me shot. You protected me but from now on out I will protect you." I started to reiterate that I protect him but he reached in his pocket and took out his faceless die and said "sister" I smiled reaching into my pocket I pulled out the matching faceless die and said "brother". He hugged me again kissing me on last time before heading for the door.
When they walked out only the core team was left with Carlos and me in the living room which is large when you don't have all of those guys hanging out.
TPOV
"Little girl I wanted to tell you that I trust you to have my back." I had to tell her that I trusted her but also wanted to tell her that I didn't want her leaving us. "I want you to stay with us and finish your training regardless of how to tomorrow goes. You have had one week of training the guys in the room have had years and we still sometimes let emotions get the best of us. It's human nature and whether you know it or not we are all human. You need to lighten up on yourself a little. We are all trained and yes we are trained to have each other's back but we are also trained to protect ourselves. The same training you are getting." I told her.
She was standing there with her mouth slightly open maybe I got thru to her to see reason. Her feelings were real and trust me they humbled me that she would be that protective of us but I needed her to see that right now with one week of training her expectations of her performance was a little too high. Though in my book she did a wonderful job tonight she excelled most people in her state would not have been able to act at all let alone at he precise moment to save a life.
I was proud of her and she felt like she was a failure that she had failed. "Why the look little girl?" I asked her sort of bringing her out of her thoughts she smiled.
"Tank I think that is the most I have ever heard you say at one time. Now that I know you are able to talk more I am going to expect more than one word sentences." She said smiling fuck! And I thought I was getting her to see my point. Well might as well get on with telling them the rest.
"I wanted to tell you both that Officer Gaspick and Thompson came to the scene after you left. Joe was still conscious when I left but he won't be feeling too well in the morning. He hit his head pretty hard when he fell." I saw the smile on Ranger's face. He knew I had gotten in a few good kicks in. Not near what I wanted but it would have to do for now.
"I don't know if Gaspick will arrest Joe or not he didn't seem very amenable to it and when I offered to carry Morelli to their police car he refused my offer and even refused my offer t take him to the station." I knew Ranger would want to know the status on the cop.
Ranger nodded "If he doesn't arrest him then he will help me out greatly." Ranger said. I was a little confused to the comment but I let it slide. I saw little girl's eyebrows furrow together in confusion if she wanted details I would leave it to her to ask. I just nodded back to Ranger I bet he is planning a little pay back and I will be right there with him after all I would really like to see if I truly kick his fucking head across a room. "I will find out in the morning and let you know." I told him. He just nodded.
I grabbed my little girl and gave her a big hug and a kiss on her cheek that wasn't supporting a massive bruise. "Well I will see you both in the morning" I told them.
She smiled "Night big man I'll see you in the morning." She told me and I just nodded.
BPOV
Tank bumped fists with Ranger and made his way out of the apartment probably heading to the gym I suspected we would all be down there beating the shit out of something that's how bad asses deal with their emotions and when things are out of control. We go to the gym and beat the hell out of the bags, the pads or each other. "Bomber do you want me to take a look at your injuries?" I asked her.
She shook her head no "Bobby I think I am fine. More bruised than anything. I don't think anything is injured beyond that." She told me.
Lester spoke up "Beautiful maybe he should take a look that man was more than double your weight and he fell on you and smashed you into the floor." He told her. What the hell, a man fell on her?
Ranger and I looked at her questioning. She motioned to the couch I could see the exhaustion claiming her. "Guys before you got there when Joe approached me I reminded him of the protection order he said he didn't know I was there and if I had a problem with him being there then I should just leave. That is what I was going to do was leave. I had been dancing with Lester. So I stepped out from him to head to our table to go. Well Joe grabbed me and jerked me away from Lester and Cal. He flung me across the dance floor and I crashed into a guy when I fell down he fell on top of me. But I am okay only bruises. I got up and tried to get back to Lester and Cal and that is when Joe grabbed me I finally was able to stretch enough to grab a hold of them and you got there shortly after that point. My shoulder is sore Bobby but I don't think it is injured it is just from him jerking me the first time and then two other times when he tried to break my grip on Lester and Cal." She told us.
Her shirt allowed me to see her shoulder so I put my hands on her shoulder and asked her to move her arms certain ways to feel if there was any damage to her shoulder. But all seemed to be working she had full range of motion without too much pain to be of a further concern.
I took a look at her face and while it was a heck of a bruise that is all it was. She had been lucky she could have been seriously hurt but she was fine. Whew.
"Bomber you seem okay you are lucky you could have really been hurt tonight." I tell her. She just smiled.
She added "Thanks Bobby you always fix me up" while pulling on my braids. I smiled at the simple gesture that made me so happy.
"Bomber please listen to Tank, Lester, and Ranger, don't leave us. We love you we want you here with us. Remember what you said that we are stronger together. That is true every day every situation we are stronger when we are together. When I say together I mean you with your brothers and the love of your life all of us. Just think about it more before you make any decisions. You're my sister and I love you and trust you." I told her.
With that I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and did one of our handshakes with Ranger and walked out of the room heading for the front door to go kick the shit out of something in the gym to work off this frustration I have at this complete and total fucked up situation.
LPOV
Damn I didn't want to leave her but I knew I had to. I watched both Tank and Bobby talk to her telling her to stay regardless of what happens later today. None of us want her to leave. I took her in my arms pulling her closer to giving her a hug. I briefly close my eyes and say a prayer. I am not a praying man men with my soul don't pray. We all know we have signed our fate we don't have a chance in hell of going to heaven and that is fine with us with me. People like us are needed in this world unfortunately and I carry that charge with pride even though I am done with missions and haven't bloodied my hands recently they were already bloodied enough to be forever crimson.
But I sent up a prayer anyway in the hopes that God would answer it. "Well Beautiful I have some planning to do for tomorrow if I am going to come up with a test for you. So I better get out of here and get busy on that." I told her. She nodded.
I went to pull back but she clung on which was fine with me but I wondered what caused it. "Beautiful?" I questioned her. I heard her sniffle again oh fuck she is crying again. I locked eyes with Ranger and just shook my head I had no idea what bought this on. He is going to fucking kill me if I am the cause of her having more anguish tonight. I already know how tightly he has been wound added to the fact of my fuck up earlier tonight, I was as good as dead.
"Lester?" She questioned me.
"Yeah" I said letting her know I was listening.
She looked up at me "Thank you Lester. Thank you for not letting go of me. Thank you for not letting Joe jerk me away from you, thanks for not letting me go. Having you holding my hand and knowing you were there helped me. I kept thinking find my inner Ranger when he was trying to jerk me away from you and Cal. Knowing you were holding my hand helped me find it and in so doing I was able to kick the gun in Joe's hand. I hope you are right in that I saved Cal's life instead of getting him shot. Because I was trying to get his gun away from you two. I couldn't stand him holding a gun on you two." She told me. My throat went dry.
"Beautiful I would have never let go of you not for anything in this world." I wasn't going to add the only way I would have let go is if I was dead, I didn't want to add to the thoughts already going around her head. "I will always have your back Beautiful. I will always protect you and I promise you I will do my best to control my emotions in the future so I can protect you even more." I couldn't promise her that I wouldn't let my emotions get in the way I wanted to but she means so much to me I do get emotional when she is in danger. Like Ranger only he has more control than I do. And thank fuck for that. No one has the control Ranger has but then again when his control breaks no one is capable of as much destruction as Ranger either. Had it been Ranger tonight to lose his control none of us would have been able to hold him back.
"Beautiful I am going to go and let you get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a big day so get some rest okay?" I give Ranger a look that said let her rest. He just smiled back at me fucker. Lucky fucking bastard is all I have to say. Of course that is if a building full of mercenaries, x gang bangers, and blackened soulless sons of bitches can convince her stay with us. Fuck I pray we can.
I give her a kiss to the top of her head and squeeze her tighter before letting go. I give Ranger our signature handshake and head for the door leaving the two soul mates alone while I head to the gym to kick the shit out of something it didn't matter as long as it was something.
RPOV
When Lester let go of my Babe I pulled her into my arms. I needed to feel her in my arms. I needed to feel her body next to mine. I needed to know she was here at least for now. I was taking what I could and would continue to pray for more.
I didn't want to let her go I didn't want to take my arms from around her but I knew she would feel better with a shower, I knew she would sleep better after washing the day off I had heard her say that a thousand times. So I just picked her up tucked her into my chest and carried her to the bathroom.
She didn't complain and she just snuggled in so she needed my touch as much as I needed her touch. God what would I do if this is taken away from me. All these years I had my head up my ass with making her mine and now when I have her she is going to pull away from me because of the same reasons I had for not making her a part of my life. Talk about fucked up. They say karma will kick you in the ass when you least expect it this was my karma for being a dumb fuck all those years.
Tonight I was going to show her exactly how much I loved her and how much I needed her to stay with me. As I made our way back to the bathroom sitting her on the counter as I proceeded to turn on the shower and get undressed. I then slowly undressed her picking her up I carried us into the shower.
Sitting her on the bench I picked up the shampoo and using the nozzle I proceeded to wet her hair and her body. I poured the shampoo in my hand and ran it thru her head gently massaging her head with tips of my fingers as I washed her hair. I rinsed the shampoo out and put the conditioner in. Leaving the conditioner while I bathed her with my bulgari body wash she loved. I had seen her wash her hair and body in that order before so I knew I was doing it right. When I finished washing her body I rinsed her body and then the conditioner from her hair.
She was watching me but hadn't said anything. She had moaned a few times while I was rubbing her head and massaging her body with my body wash so I knew she was enjoying it. When I finished washing her I quickly washed my own body. Before stepping out grabbing a towel I quickly dried myself off then dried her off and picked her up and carried her to bed. To our bed which was always going to be our bed if I had my way.
I laid her down in the center of the bed where I joined her. I pulled her close to me holding her to me feeling her soft skin lying next to mine. My lips found her neck just under her ear as I gave her a kiss searing my heart as you would cauterize a wound to keep it from bleeding.
I ran my hands up and down her body feeling her under my hand my fingers. Memorizing every inch of her every dip, every curve, every ounce of her body. Her arms wrapped around me and her hands were roaming up and down my body sending little shock waves up and down my body. God how could either of us deny what we have. How could we live without it I can tell you we can't neither one of us. God my lips find hers and I can't help the need the love for her from pouring out of them feeling the love the need from her.
I lose myself in that feeling of her lips on mine, mine on hers. My tongue tasting her delicious lips tasting her tongue I would know these lips on my body I would know her tongue her taste her touch I would know it all. I wouldn't have to see her to know her. She was my other half and it was just the same as knowing your own hands your own body the way I knew her.
My body was already responding to her I was hard for her I needed to be joined to her connected to her but I was taking my time this wasn't going to be hard and fast this was going to be slow this was going to be all night this was going to be soul binding.
She was facing me her arms around me mine around her and as I deepened the kiss rolling her more onto her back so I could take control of the kiss and of making love to her because tonight it was me showing her my feelings. I had told her with the only words I knew earlier how much I loved her now it was time to show it the only way I could.
When my lips left hers they wanted to revolt but I quickly busied them by kissing her jaw to her ear and then down from her ear down her neck as I was kissing her silky skin I felt her wrap herself around me kissing me where her lips could reach my skin. The feel of her lips on my skin makes me shiver with need and want.
I let my lips ghost over her skin giving her kisses every inch or so it is the most erotic feeling my slow movements with my eyes closed just letting my lips memorize her body every so often I use my tongue to take a taste of her skin. My hands are still feeling every inch of her body as her hands are touching and feeling me. I am keeping control of my need and desire because this is about her, not me.
I let my lips continue to work as I get lost in the feelings I am creating and she is creating within me. I get to the point where I need our connection and I settle myself between her legs holding my weight up off of her. She pulls me down a little so she can feel my weight not all of it but some of it. My eyes lock on hers she has tears in eyes but smiles at me so they are happy tears. I smile at her as I slowly push in her warm wet center.
I move extremely slow retreating every so often and then again pushing in slow agonizingly slow. My eye locked on her eyes I can see her soul my soul recognizes it and the earth moves beneath us as I slowly push myself home. Feeling her wrapped around me so hot so wet so tight it would have brought me to my knees if we weren't already lying in our bed. My eyes close involuntary and I feel them roll back in head as the wave of sensation crashes over my body of being buried inside of her. God there is no place in this world better than this better than being here like this with her. Nothing was better.
Stilling until her body had adjusted to me I began moving but my movement was slow and very little motion more a rocking rather than a pushing and pulling. I couldn't stand not to fill myself fully buried in her. She must have needed the same as her arms and legs locked around me holding me to her as hard as she could hold me.
It felt like hours neither one of wanted it to end. We didn't want to reach the edge we didn't want to reach our climaxes we wanted this feeling of being connected physically as well as emotionally and mentally.
I finally turned on my back bringing her with me so she was on top of me where I proceeded to pull the covers over her over us. Kissing her head and getting her settled laying on top me with me still buried deep inside her I whispered in her ear. "Sleep Amante, Sleep I love you. We will finish this later where I will have you screaming my name but for now I just need to feel myself buried in you. Sleep my love." I told her as I stroked her back.
She moaned at my words but added "Carlos I love you with all my heart, I need to feel you buried deep inside me right now but tomorrow I look forward to screaming your name. I love you." And then she proceeded to fall asleep laying on me with me buried deep inside her body our bodies, and souls connected. I was home. I was where I would give my life to be every night was my only thought as sleep claimed me.
SPOV
I woke up to feeling of hands being gently rubbed up and down my body god I knew those hands just as I would know my own hands. I felt soft lips touch my skin I didn't want to move from this position I was so comfortable laying there on his strong chest in his strong arms. Feeling and hearing his heart beat under my ear. Engulfed by his wonderful scent that is just him. God I could never have enough of this.
He must have realized I was awake but he took his hands and cupped my ass pushing me down on him while pushing himself up against me. Just that little bit of friction had my hormones jumping with the thought of his promise from just a few hours ago. I know I moaned I couldn't refrain with the feelings he was eliciting from my body. The man was pure magic and he didn't need to do anything to have me begging and screaming in release but look at me.
My body took over from the sensations that were running throughout my body and I started riding him. I was moving my body up and down back forth across his wonderful cock shamelessly grinding myself on him trying to further impale myself on him. I could feel him so hard in me I could feel his silky smooth skin and yet behind that hard as steel and in no time I wanted to scream his name. I held on though I didn't want this to end not that having one orgasm would stop Carlos but I wanted to hold on to feel all I could before I fell over the edge.
I heard him growl and he flipped us him taking over our lovemaking him using his body to drive me further to the edge. With every movement his cock would rub my spot and push me further to the edge. And with each movement I would grind myself further onto him pushing him further in to me where I wanted to keep him forever. I don't think I have ever felt more loved or more cherished then when Carlos is buried deep inside me. It is so all encompassing physical, mental, and emotional.
Our giving our bodies to each other in a way that is so intimate so private that it is hard to describe and probably nearly impossible for anyone to understand that hasn't experienced it. It didn't take long before he had me at the edge pushing me and edging me further to the point that I would be unable to hold on. I wanted the release so bad yet part of me never wanted to let go wanted to just reveal in the way my body was humming the pulses he was eliciting from my body that just made me groan and moan in pure delight pure ecstasy. God what this man could do to me what he could do to my body he knew every inch of me and he knew how to play every inch of me like a fine toned instrument in the hands of the most gifted musician. He had my body singing.
He upped the pressure a little as his strokes got shorter and faster keeping pressure on my spot which caused me to scream with the sensations of the waves as they crash over me pushing me with each crash until the point that I am screaming his name at the top of my lungs falling over the edge falling into my orgasm that just pulls every fiber of my body in to it that leaves me breathless panting for air my heart racing to catch up my skin is and nerves are beyond sensitive they are on overload every ounce of me is in hyper drive from the mother of all orgasms that once I recover fully I realize that I am in the arms of my lover with him spooning me from behind holding me close to his body.
I feel him kiss my shoulder as he whispered in my ear "Sleep, my lover, my life, my future wife, sleep I am right here and I am never leaving you." I was unable to speak my body was just goo as I was drifting further to sleep I heard him say "I love you with all my heart all my soul your life is my life. I love you." That was the last I heard before falling into a deep sleep in the arms of my love.
LPOV
I had gone to the gym when I left the apartment and like I suspected most of the guys were down there kicking the shit out things and each other. We were all frustrated, pissed, and half scared shitless that she would leave us. None of us wanted to admit it but we all knew it.
I was thinking about the test and it took me sometime but I came up with something that would work. As I played it out in my mind not all of us would be able to participate because it required the ability to control your level of training. Meaning we were all highly trained military or had years of experience and training that Beautiful didn't have.
So it wouldn't be fair to pit her against us her level skills to our level skills. It is sort of like in basic and Ranger school where the platoon leaders need to dumb it down a little in order to train those that aren't as highly trained as the trainers and leaders who are training them.
Since a bunch of us were experienced with training new recruits we would only use those of us in this exercise. I kept thinking about what we could do and how I would set everything up planning it so I knew a hundred percent it would be fair and challenging just as I promised her. I so desperately wanted to skew it her way but I had promised her and I had to follow thru on that promise.
I couldn't have her not trusting me on top of everything else. It had taken most of the night to come up with the plan but I did it. I came up with a plan that I think everyone will enjoy and I think even Beautiful will have fun and it will be challenging for her but she if she uses her training she will be successful.
I know she said we would meet at one but I was impatient to see her so I called Ella asked her to fix a big breakfast with all of Beautiful's favorites Ella had already heard the news of last night and was already busy working on putting together a buffet of her favorites to show her love. I just had to smile.
I told Ella to let me know when it was ready and I would help her carry it up to seven. When I finally got the call and made my way to six I had to laugh when I saw Bobby and Tank they had both thought the same thing I did and had called Ella asking her the same thing only Ella had beat us all to the punch.
All four of us made our way to seven to surprise Rangeman and Beautiful. They were going to have company for breakfast whether they wanted it or not. Of course that meant having to suffer thru another meal with Beautiful moaning and groaning with every bite but I think I can speak for all us we would rather do that than not have her with us.
I just hope she liked my idea for her test and I prayed that she would be successful.
Please leave a review let me know what you think. Are you happy or sad that Lester interrupted Stephanie before she had a chance to tell them what she had planned to tell them? What do you think will happen? Let me know what you think. Reviews do my soul good and make my fingers type faster!