"How the hell'd we wind up like this?

And why weren't we able

To see the signs that we missed

And try and turn the tables?"

Someday - Nickelback

Unfortunately, their "first" argument did not turn out to be their last. As the weeks went by, the stress continued to build as the crew prepared to take what was likely a one-way journey through the Omega-4 relay. The members of Shepard's team had various personal issues they needed to address, which had Joker constantly flying them from one end of the galaxy to the other. Shepard was often preoccupied and always exhausted. He felt like the only time she spoke to him was to bark orders. He'd gone back to spending most nights in the cockpit because waking up alone in Shepard's bed had become too damn depressing.

Joker had wanted to talk to her about it, but hadn't known how to approach the topic without sounding needy, or whiny...or both. In his better moments, he realized that Shepard would probably rather be sleeping in her own bed and spending time with him, as well, but there were more important things at stake. The rest of the time, he was resentful of the fact that he'd waited for what seemed like an eternity for this relationship, and it felt like it was over before it'd even begun. Yeah, it was selfish, but dammit, he'd never claimed to be otherwise.

And so it was that Joker was in a particularly nasty mood one afternoon as he walked to the kitchen for some coffee. He'd just pulled another 16 hour shift, and he hadn't seen Shepard in over 24. He hadn't seen her naked in far longer than that. And there she was, standing with Garrus and Kelly and several other crew members, heads together as if conspiring. Shepard glanced up and spotted him, and Joker heard her whisper, "Remember, it's a secret," as he approached the small gathering.

"What's a secret?" Joker asked her.

"What?"

"When I was walking up, you said, 'Remember, it's a secret.'"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Shepard replied, innocently. Joker glanced at Garrus, whose expression revealed nothing, as usual. And suddenly, his frustration boiled over.

"Fine, whatever. It's not like I'm an important member of this crew. Keep secrets with your cronies here."

"Joker…"

"No, no, whatever. You can tell me later, when we're alone…if we're ever alone."

"Joker." Shepard's tone held a hint of warning this time, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. The crew exchanged nervous glances and shifted uncomfortably.

"She's big on the pillow talk," Joker pretended to confide to Kelly, who looked mortified by the whole encounter. "Like when she told me about Garrus' bloodlust for his old pal Sidonis, or your unhealthy obsession with aliens…"

"Lieutenant!" Shepard's cheeks were flushed with both embarrassment and anger. "That's enough! Return to your post, now!"

"I'm off duty."

"Then remove yourself from my sight. Immediately!"

"Aye, aye, Commander." Joker snapped off a mock salute before hobbling away. He could hear Shepard trying to reassure Garrus and Kelly that she hadn't betrayed their confidences. Garrus seemed unperturbed, but Kelly was obviously hurt. Joker was already ashamed of his bad behavior, but he knew he couldn't do anything about it right now.

He waited until later that night when fewer people were around and took the elevator to the top floor. He'd prepared an apology and was primed to grovel. Joker knew Shepard would still be angry, and rightfully so. He would explain; try to make things right.

But when he placed his hand over the scanner, the door didn't open. Surprised, Joker tried again, but the entry remained firmly closed; the display blank.

Joker hesitated for another moment, debating whether or not to request entry. The closed portal seemed to stare back at him as dread gathered in his chest. He'd been locked out. His apology wasn't welcome, and neither was he. He fought off the foreboding, telling himself that this banishment was temporary. Shepard just needed some time to cool off. She'd been angry at him many times before and had always forgiven him. This time would be no different.

Joker made his way back to the crew quarters, trying to ignore the stares and whispers. Word of his insubordination had apparently spread quickly. He crawled into bed, pulled the covers over his head and tried not to contemplate what a permanent return to a pre-Shepard existence would be like. But the thoughts lingered, and sleep was a long time coming.

Joker woke the next morning, tired and out-of-sorts. As he made his way to the men's room, a crew member jostled him aside.

"Watch where you're going, will ya?"

"Sorry, Lieutenant." The man hustled off. Someone else dodged around him, and Joker called after him, "Hey, what's going on?"

"The security protocol's corrupted. People have access to things they shouldn't; don't have access to things they should. It's a mess."

"Sabotage, or programming glitch?"

"No one knows right now. The security officers are working on it, and it's all hands on deck to protect any compromised areas…which as of now, seems to be all of them."

Joker hurried to the restroom, splashed water on his face and quickly brushed his teeth. Then he headed for the cockpit to check on the status of the navigation systems. Kelly was at her station by the CIC when he passed. He knew that she would have more information about what was going on, but her glare made it clear that she would be unwilling to share that knowledge with him.

As it turned out, the nav system was one of the few that hadn't been compromised. Joker ran some tests to assure himself that everything was as it should be, then instructed EDI to add some additional firewalls, just in case.

Now that his concerns had been assuaged, Joker's thoughts turned again to the situation with Shepard. A quick glance at the ship's logs revealed that she'd deployed early that morning with Garrus and Jack. With some consternation, Joker realized that this was the first time in a very long while that he had no idea where she'd gone or what she was doing. He didn't like the feeling. He had to find a way to make things right, but he needed some advice first.

Joker retraced his steps, past the still-scowling Kelly, and descended into the bowels of the ship. The engineering core was quiet, as usual, although his target appeared hard at work, bent over the computer.

"Hey, Tal."

"Don't 'Hey, Tal' me," the quarian replied, without looking up. "I heard what you did, and I'm on Shepard's side."

"There are no sides. I was an ass. I want to fix it, but I don't know what to do."

"You could apologize."

"I tried. I went to see her last night, only…" Joker paused, embarrassed to admit the truth. "She locked me out."

"Oh." Tali paused her endeavors. "Well, that's not good."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out. So, what do I do now?"

Tali regarded him for a moment while she pondered the question. "I don't know. That's not like Shepard. She's usually quick to forgive and forget, but you did embarrass her in front of the crew."

"Yeah." Joker thought about that. "Hey, do you think that might be it? I embarrassed her in front of everyone, so she expects a public apology?"

"I suppose." Tali sounded doubtful. "I've never known Shepard to go in for public humiliation, but from what I heard, she was pretty upset."

"That must be it." Joker was warming to the idea. It had an "eye-for-an-eye" quality that he thought might appeal to Shepard's sensibilities.

"Well, good luck with that."

"Thanks." Joker headed back to the crew quarters to grab a datapad and compose the best damn apology the commander had ever heard.

By late that evening, most of the commotion on the ship had died down. The security systems were 93% back online, although no one seemed to know what had caused the malfunction in the first place. Joker had spent most of the day working on his apology, only taking a break to grab some dinner from the mess hall. It still wasn't quite perfect, but that was okay because Shepard hadn't yet returned to the ship. It was going to have to wait until tomorrow, at the soonest. Joker went to bed early, exhausted from the previous restless night and content that he was taking steps to rectify the situation.

When Joker reached the cockpit the next morning, there were coordinates in the computer along with instructions from Shepard to set course immediately. He got the ship underway at once. He was putting the finishing touches on his mea culpa when Shepard's voice came over the comm, asking for a status report. He gave her an update, along with their projected travel time. She thanked him and immediately signed off. She was all business, but didn't sound angry, which Joker took as a good sign. Perhaps that meant she would be receptive to what he had to say.

It was dinner time before Joker spotted Shepard in person, striding towards the armory with Jacob. Kelly was nearby, and a few other crew members. Garrus wasn't around, but it could be a long time before he was able to capture all the witnesses to his transgression in one place. This would have to do.

"Commander!" Joker called out. "Do you have a minute?"

Shepard stopped and glanced back at him. Her hair was getting long…no time for haircuts when you had a galaxy to save. One raven lock had come loose from the elastic and fallen across her brow. She impatiently swiped at it with the back of her hand to clear her vision. Joker, in his deprived state, found the gesture sexy as hell. "Sure, what do you need?"

Jacob had stopped a few strides away and was shifting impatiently from foot to foot. "I really think you need to see this now, Commander."

"I'm coming," Shepard replied. "What do you need, Joker?" she asked again. Her voice was patient, but she was obviously distracted.

"Nothing," Joker said, deciding this wasn't the right time, after all. "It can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. It's not a big deal."

"Okay," Shepard responded, already moving away. "Come find me later and we'll talk."

"Sure." Joker watched Jacob take her arm, hustling her into the armory. The door swished shut behind them. Joker sighed and continued to the elevator, wondering if the perfect occasion was ever going to present itself and cursing his big, stupid mouth for getting him into this situation in the first place.

Joker wasn't able to catch up with her later that night, or the next. They were always on the move, gathering data, tying off loose ends. The Illusive Man had identified the location of a derelict Reaper and they needed to retrieve the IFF (Identify Friend/Foe) from the vessel that would hopefully allow them to travel safely through the Omega-4 relay. The final mission was approaching, and everyone knew it. The environment practically bristled with anxiety and anticipation.

Which was why Joker was surprised when he got the order to take them back to Omega and be prepared to dock for a day or two. He was sure Shepard had a good reason for the visit, but she wasn't currently sharing that information with him. He completed the manifest and went to see if he could finally engage the commander in a little chat.

As he passed Chambers, he ventured, "Have you seen Shepard?"

"Nope," Kelly replied curtly, without so much as glancing in his direction.

Joker took the elevator down a level, but Garrus wasn't in his usual haunt in the main battery, and Miranda wasn't in her office, either. Had they left the ship? They hadn't signed out - he would have noticed.

Joker popped his head into the med bay. The doc was sitting with her feet propped on the desk, a glass of some viscous looking liquid in her hand. "Have you seen Shepard?"

"No, not recently. I heard talk that she and some of her team were going to the club, Afterlife, tonight, but don't quote me on that."

Joker was surprised. "Like, on leave?"

"I'm sure I don't know. Would you like to join me in a drink?"

"No, thanks. Well, on second thought…you wouldn't happen to have a beer, would you?"

Chakwas gestured toward the cabinet that Joker knew held her private stash, including a small refrigerator. There were three beers inside. He took one and sat on one of the examining tables. Most people would probably be uncomfortable settling there, but he'd spent a lot of time in med bays. To him, it was just another seat.

Chakwas refilled her own glass. "Are you here to replenish your supply of condoms?"

Joker choked a bit on his beer. He knew she was a doctor, but it was still a little like talking to his mom about sex. "No. I still have plenty, unfortunately."

Chakwas nodded sagely. "I heard that you and Shepard had a falling out."

"I guess you could call it that."

"Is that why you were looking for her?"

"Yeah. I've been wanting to apologize, but things have been so hectic, I haven't been able to catch up with her."

The doc took another sip and regarded him over the rim of her glass. "You know, Jeff," she was the only one besides Shepard who ever called him by his given name, "both you and Shepard know all too well how precarious life can be."

"Uh-huh."

"Tomorrow is not a guarantee."

"Doc, are you one of those people who get philosophical when they drink?"

"Perhaps," she continued, undaunted. "But that doesn't mean I'm not right."

Joker took another swig of his beer. "So, what's your point?"

"My point is that I love you both dearly. So quit being a hard-headed jackass and go apologize to the lady - sooner rather than later."

Joker sighed, drained the bottle, and eased himself off the table. "Afterlife, you say?"

"That was the rumor."

"Thanks for the talk, Doc." Joker set the empty bottle on her desk and headed for the door.

"You're quite welcome. And Jeff?"

"Yeah?"

"Good luck."

Joker double-checked the logs. Shepard was offline, but she hadn't signed herself off the ship. He tried to figure out what that meant. Was it a secret mission of some sort? Who had gone with her? The frustration rose in him again. In the old days, even prior to their relationship, he would've known what was going on. Not being with Shepard - that part was bad. But this – being out of the information loop – was almost worse. They'd always been a team. She'd trusted him. Chakwas was right - he had to make things right between them.

So, Joker set out to find the club, Afterlife. As it turned out, it was only a short walk from where the ship was docked. There was a long line at the door and he worried for a moment that he wasn't going to make it past the bouncer, but the turian took one look at his uniform and asked, "You with Shepard?" Joker nodded, and the guard waved him past. Loud grumbling from the line dwellers followed in his wake.

The music grew louder as Joker crossed the bridge to the club, until it was a physical throbbing in his brain. The doors to the club slid open and he took a moment to allow his eyes to adjust to the gloom. Beautiful asaris gyrated on the bar. Creatures of all species danced, drank and yelled to be heard over the music. He thought he caught a glimpse of Samara, but when he looked in that direction, no one was there and he couldn't be sure. Joker walked slowly around the room, trying not to get jostled, searching for Shepard. Halfway around, he spotted her, standing at the bar. She was talking to a male human. As he approached them, he saw Garrus seated at a table about 20 feet away. The turian caught his eye and shook his head "No", but Joker ignored him. He took the stool on the other side of Shepard's companion.

When Shepard saw Joker, her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn't verbally acknowledge his presence. Her companion was shouting at her, "So, you don't know where I can get tickets for Expel 10, huh?"

"No. Sorry," Shepard yelled back, turning her attention back to him. "Tell me more about your asari friend. Is she here?"

"No, she usually hangs out in the VIP section, but she's not there tonight. I checked. I really want to get those tickets for her…the concert's tomorrow!"

"Maybe we could all go together," Joker heard Shepard say, and he gave her a quizzical look. Was she arranging a date with this guy and some asari? What the hell was going on here?

"Yeah, that could be cool!" her companion exclaimed, his hangdog look evaporating a bit. "I think she'd like you. And I'd get to go to the concert with two super hot chicks!" He tried to put an arm around Shepard's shoulders, but she gently shrugged him off. Joker frowned in confusion.

"Shepard," Joker tried, but she ignored him. Her new friend was so engrossed with her that he didn't take notice of Joker at all.

"Do you think she might come around later tonight? Maybe you could introduce us?" Shepard gave the guy an enticing smile.

"Sure, I don't see why not. But maybe you and I could get to know each other better first?" With a salacious grin, he moved closer to Shepard. From the corner of his eye, Joker saw the bastard's hand come to rest on Shepard's ass.

In that moment, all reason fled. Joker didn't know what was going on here, but this was definitely not okay. "Hey, buddy," he called, tapping the guy on the shoulder. The interloper turned his way, and Joker sucker-punched him with everything he had, his momentum carrying him off of the bar stool and into his victim.

They both stumbled into Shepard, who reflexively grabbed Mr. Happy Hands to keep them all from tumbling to the floor. Joker's fist was screaming in pain. His adversary recovered quickly, gathering Joker's shirt front in one fist. "What the hell is your problem, man?" he asked as he drew his fist back to return the strike.

"No!" Shepard cried as she regained her footing and saw what was about to happen. She grabbed the attacker's arm as he swung, causing the jab to land off the mark and with less force than it would have, otherwise. The glancing blow to Joker's skull was still enough to lay him out and cause a high-pitched ringing in his ears. Moments later, there was a thud as Shepard's would-be suitor hit the floor next to him and lay still.

Joker was still reeling as he was unceremoniously dragged to his feet. Garrus had a grip on one arm; Shepard the other. She didn't look pleased.

"God DAMMIT! Come on, we've got to go, now…before we attract any more attention." And she and Garrus half carried, half dragged Joker out of the club and into the night.

And so it was that Joker got to make his second visit to the infirmary that night. Despite her earlier imbibing, Chakwas sobered up quickly when the three of them stormed the med bay. Garrus disappeared quickly, while Shepard leaned against the counter, glaring and silent. Joker's hand was badly mangled. His fingers had to be reset and the pain was excruciating. He could see some of Shepard's anger fade and the concern creep in as she observed his suffering.

"He hit his head pretty good when he hit the floor. You might want to check for a concussion."

Surprisingly, neither the punch nor the floor had done any damage to his head. Apparently, Joker's mother had been right when she'd said that it was the only part of him that was indestructible. His hand was bandaged; pain killers washed down. When Chakwas finished, she took one look at Shepard's still glowering visage, gave Joker a look that said, "Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own," and rapidly took her leave. For a long moment, no one spoke. Joker studied the floor, afraid to meet Shepard's eyes.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Not yelling, but angry. Oh, so angry. When Joker didn't reply, Shepard continued, "We were there tonight trying to help Samara track down an asari; an Ardat-Yakshi. We were trying to be inconspicuous so we wouldn't alert her to our presence. The guy you punched was a connection; a lead." Now her voice was rising. "You blew this for us, Joker."

"He put his hand on your ass."

For a moment, Shepard appeared speechless. "What?"

"That guy…he put his hand on your ass. When a guy puts his hands on another guy's girl's ass, said guy has to punch him. It's, like, a rule or something. Look it up."

Shepard appeared exasperated beyond words. "So, you were protecting me, is that it? Have you ever known me to need protection, Joker? What were you even doing there?" Her tone made it clear that he hadn't been invited…nor welcome.

"That's not the point," Joker muttered, the frustration starting to rise.

"What?"

"That's not the goddamn point!" Joker yelled, meeting her eyes defiantly. "You think I don't know you don't need me? You've made it abundantly clear that you don't need my help, my advice, or my company. You don't need me to defend your honor. You just need me to shuttle you around the galaxy and keep my mouth shut. Isn't that right?"

"No, of course not! But you've been acting crazy lately. Arguing in front of the crew. Punching targets in bars. What the hell's going on with you, Jeff? You need to talk to me!"

The anger in Shepard's eyes had mostly given way to hurt and confusion, and somehow, that was even harder to tolerate. All at once, Joker's irritation drained away, replaced by pain of both the physical and emotional sort. Every time he tried to fix this, he made it worse. Maybe he should just leave it alone. Maybe he'd been wrong to think it could work in the first place.

"There's really nothing else to say. Maybe we should just go back to the way things were," Joker replied softly.

Shepard was quiet for a long moment. "Is that what you want?"

"Yeah," Joker lied, feeling hollow inside.

"Okay, then." Shepard stood, motionless, as Joker brushed past her and out the door, no longer able to meet her wounded gaze.