"Finally I figured out

But it took a long, long time

Now there's a turnabout

Maybe 'cause I'm trying

There's been times, I'm so confused

But all my roads, they lead to you

I just can't turn and walk away"

All For You - Sister Hazel

The trip to Illium took much longer than usual. They'd sealed off the areas with major hull breaches and completed what minor repairs they could, but Joker still didn't trust the Normandy to go FTL. He took it slow and easy. Things on the ship were quiet. They'd accomplished what they'd set out to do, and no one was ready yet to think about what came next. The crew was exhausted, but most had survived. It was more than they had expected.

Joker quietly took up residence in Shepard's quarters again. Mostly, they just slept and healed. They didn't discuss the state of their relationship. They didn't have sex. They just co-existed peacefully - and for now, that was enough.

Shepard got in touch with Liara and they had a long conversation. She seemed pleased when it was done, but wouldn't tell him why.

She stopped by the cockpit the evening before their planned arrival at Nos Astra.

"How's it going?" Joker asked.

Shepard was standing with her arms draped over the back of his chair, absently rubbing his shoulders as she stared out the window. She seemed relaxed, if a bit distracted.

"Okay. I've just been trying to figure out what to do about the crew, my team and the Normandy. I don't think the Illusive Man considers us valued members of the Cerberus family any longer," Shepard smirked. "But I'll be damned before I give up my ship without a fight."

"And what about you and me?"

"Hmm?" Shepard pulled her eyes away from the view and focused on him for the first time. "Oh, I've made some arrangements for us, as well," she replied with an impish grin.

"That sounds intriguing. Still no hints?"

"Nope."

"You're cruel."

Shepard shrugged, unperturbed by the accusation. "Yep."

When they disembarked at Nos Astra, there was an asari waiting to greet them. She approached Shepard and handed her a package. They spoke briefly. Shepard nodded, and three humans appeared from out of nowhere. They boarded the Normandy.

"Hey, what's going on?" Joker inquired, alarmed.

"Don't worry. They'll take good care of her. She's going to get some repairs, and get stowed away someplace safe. For now, anyway."

Joker was not completely appeased by this, but he had no choice but to trust her. Either that, or chain himself to the cockpit.

Shepard turned to the hundred or so crew that were milling about. She thanked them for their service and advised them that passage would be arranged for them to wherever they wished to go. She assured them that she had contact information for those who had chosen to provide it, and she would be in touch if their services were required. Most of them looked lost and morose. Joker could relate – that was how the crew of the first Normandy had felt after the explosion. When you dedicated yourself to something for so long, it was hard to know what to do with yourself when it was over. The asari representative said, "Follow me, please." The unemployed troops trailed after her, glumly.

That left about twenty of them remaining on the dock. Shepard had arranged for Grunt to return to Tuchunka – the krogan was eager to be reunited with Clan Urdnot and continue his education in the ways of his people. Joker had to admit that he was relieved to see him go. He'd always felt that Grunt was violent and unstable, even by krogan standards. But Shepard seemed saddened by his departure. She made him promise to keep in touch and to give her regards to Wrex. Legion disappeared without a word, off to do whatever it was that geth did. Not even Shepard appeared too disappointed about that. Her alliance with the geth had always been uneasy, at best.

Shepard addressed those that remained.

"Okay, folks, here's the deal. I've arranged for an all-expenses paid vacation for the rest of you here on Illium. Inside this envelope, I have keys to deluxe accommodations, as well as a credit chit. This world is your playground. Eat, drink, shop. Have a good time. You've earned it."

There were excited murmurs as this news travelled through the crowd. Joker leaned in and whispered, "Uh, Shepard? Who's paying for all of this?"

"Our good friends at Cerberus, of course," she replied.

"Uh-huh. And are they aware of this, by any chance?"

"Not exactly," Shepard responded as the crew lined up one by one to take possession of their key cards and credit chits before meandering off in pairs or small groups. When there was only one key and one chit left, and they were standing alone, Joker said, "Liara's handiwork?"

"Of course."

"Are we going to go to jail for this?"

"Only if we get caught."

"And the chances of that are?"

"Slim. Liara's very good at what she does, or so she informs me." Shepard dangled the lanyard attached to the last remaining card from her finger with a seductive smile. "Only one key left. Looks like we're going to have to bunk together."

"Such a shame."

"Isn't it, though?"

They soon discovered that Liara had reserved an entire floor in her former apartment building for the crew, while granting Shepard access to her own rarely-used residence. Joker let out a soft whistle as they entered the foyer.

"Not too shabby, huh?" Shepard inquired.

"Not at all," Joker agreed. It was two stories with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. The first floor had an ample living room with a huge video screen, as well as a kitchen and dining area; and the top floor consisted of an open loft with a sleeping area, bathroom, and a closet bigger than his sleeping quarters on the Normandy.

They dropped their meager possessions on the floor and wandered through, getting acclimated. The refrigerator was filled with milk, eggs, bread, sliced meats and cheeses, and fresh fruit and vegetables. The freezer was stocked with prepared meals that needed only to be reheated.

"That Liara," Shepard said, affectionately. "She thought of everything."

The bed had fresh linens and the closet was stocked with soft, fluffy towels. The bathroom had an oversized tub large enough for two, with water jets dotting its circumference.

"I guess I didn't survive that whole Collector thing, because now I know I have died and gone to heaven," Joker remarked, appreciatively.

"Good, right?" Shepard inquired.

"Being here with you? Couldn't be better. The last time I had a vacation…hell, I can't remember the last time I had a vacation. Not since I've been working for you."

"Yes, well, if you can convince the Reapers to take some time off, then I'll be happy to pass along the favor."

"Is that what's going on now? The Reapers are giving us a reprieve?"

Shepard sighed, leaning into him. "No. But you know what? The universe is going to have to look after itself for a little while. I'm fucking tired."

"Understood, Commander." Joker took her in his arms and kissed her lips softly. "This is amazing. Thank you."

"Hmm. You might need to display your gratitude in a more convincing way, Lieutenant," Shepard teased, wrapping her arms around his neck and sliding her fingers into his hair.

So he did.

Joker woke the next morning feeling sore, but satisfied. Sex had been a tentative affair - both of them desperate for each other after so long, but needing to be cautious due to their mending injuries. In retrospect, he thought that maybe it was a good thing. It had forced them to take their time and savor the experience.

He reached out for Shepard, but her side of the bed was empty. It was then that he became aware of the tantalizing aromas of freshly brewed coffee and frying bacon rising up the stairs. Joker pulled on his boxers and padded downstairs.

Shepard was in the kitchen, wearing only one of his t-shirts and lacy underwear. Her hair was pulled into a loose knot. A steaming mug of coffee sat next to the stove as she tended to the sizzling bacon.

"The woman not only kicks ass, but she can cook, too."

Shepard turned and gave him a warm smile. "It's scrambled eggs and bacon. I don't think that necessarily counts as 'cooking'."

"It does in my book." Joker gave her a kiss and then pilfered a bite of eggs from the pan. "Mmm. Have I mentioned that you're amazing? I love you."

The declaration slipped out casually, but it froze them both in place, momentarily. Then one corner of Shepard's mouth quirked upwards as she raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"What was what?"

"Did you just say 'I love you'?"

"I think you must have heard wrong."

"No, I'm pretty sure you said 'I love you'."

"You know what? I must have misspoke. I meant to say, I love you in that outfit. Very sexy."

"Hmm. But what you actually said was 'I love you'."

Joker sighed in surrender. "Fine. I said it. It's not like this is news to you, is it?"

"No. But it's still nice to hear." Shepard flipped the bacon, and then turned off the burner. "You've never actually said it before."

"What? Sure I have," Joker insisted, although he knew he hadn't. Not even during sex.

"Oh, yeah? When?"

"There was that time…"

"Uh huh."

"When we were in the cockpit. Or maybe we were in your room."

"Give it up." Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Okay, maybe I never said it before. But neither have you."

"I know. I was afraid you'd get all squirmy and panicky like you are right now."

"I am not squirmy!" Joker protested, squirming.

"Mm hmm."

"Look, I'll say it again. I love you."

Shepard kissed him again, a little longer this time. "I'm not sure I heard you correctly."

"I love you."

Another kiss - lingering and passionate, tongues tangling. "Say again?"

"I love you, Shepard." Joker's voice was gruff and he brushed back a loose strand of hair from her face as he spoke.

Shepard grinned, triumphantly. "I know. I love you, too." Another quick kiss, then, "Let's eat."

They were cleaning up the remnants of their meal when Shepard said, "So, you know I'm not really a big fan of talking about feelings and stuff like that."

"Yep, I know. It's one of the things I love about you."

"Okay, you can give it a rest now. But the thing is, I think we still need to talk about what happened before. You know - the fight and everything."

Joker sighed. "Come on, Shep. Can't we just let it go? We kissed and made up. Literally. Everything's good."

"Going into this, I wasn't really worried about us communicating," Shepard continued, as if he hadn't spoken. "We've always been able to talk. But I guess relationship stuff is different."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I've always understood why there are regs against fraternizing with the crew. The obvious concern is that the commanding officer will give their lover preferential treatment. But in my case, I was so worried about doing that, I went too far in the other direction. I was leaving you out of the loop. Not intentionally, but I'd think to myself, 'I should go fill Joker in on this,' and then I'd think, 'Well, I'll just tell him later, when we're alone.' But then, we weren't getting any time alone, and you weren't being apprised of things, and you should have been, because you're the pilot and an important part of the crew, and…"

"Whoa, whoa…take a breath, Shep. It's okay."

"I was aware of what was happening, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting you."

"I know. I should have said something before things got so out of hand."

"Why didn't you?" Her tone wasn't accusatory, just curious.

"I don't know. It seemed really uncool to be whining to you about stuff like that when you had so much to worry about."

Shepard considered that. "Well, I think that should have been my decision to make, right? I mean, I might have told you to grow a pair and quit your bitching, but at least I would have known about it."

"I suppose."

"It would have been better than what ended up happening."

"Yeah."

"Maybe the reason these kinds of relationships don't usually work out is because there's an inherent imbalance of power. I mean, I'm your boss, basically."

"Only because I choose to work for you."

"Joker…"

"What? It's true. This isn't the military anymore, Shep. I'm with you because I want to be. I follow your orders because I trust your judgment. Besides, whoever said that relationships are supposed to be equal?"

Shepard looked at him, quizzically. "Uh…everyone?"

"That may be some kind of ideal, but think about it - do you know of any real relationships that work like that? My parents have been married for almost forty years, and the only decisions my father makes are the ones my mother allows him to make. Don't get me wrong - if he feels strongly about something, he'll speak up. But he chooses his battles rather than fighting over every little thing. I figure our relationship works pretty much the same way."

"Only your dad obviously doesn't just quit on your mom when he gets mad," Shepard said, softly.

And this, Joker knew, was the heart of the matter. Shepard valued loyalty over all else, and he knew she cared far less about their fight than about the fact that he'd said he wanted out. "I don't know why I said that, Shep. I didn't mean it. I regretted it as soon as I said it. I was wrong, and I apologize. I promise it won't ever happen again. If I have a problem with you, woman, you're going to hear about it!"

Shepard grinned. "Yeah?"

"Absolutely."

"And I promise to do the same."

Joker grunted. "Fan-tastic."

Talk finished and kitchen cleaned, they went into the living room to examine Liara's vid collection. She had quite an impressive assortment. Joker couldn't remember the last time he'd seen a movie. Between being in a coma and fighting Collectors, he didn't think that Shepard was much more current. He was running through the list at high speed when something caught his eye. "Shepard, Space Hero."

"Whoa, what's this?"

Shepard shrugged. "I don't know. Never heard of it."

Joker looked at the description – it looked like a low-budget earth movie that had been made shortly before Shepard's death. "Want to check it out?"

"Sure."

They flopped onto either ends of the couch, legs intertwined. Shepard pulled a blanket over them.

The movie's introduction rolled - fake looking backdrops of space with the actor's names. He didn't recognize any of them, but that didn't mean much. Then a very buxom blond wearing very little filled the screen. She was striding purposefully through what Joker assumed was supposed to be a spaceship, an equally good-looking male actor at her side.

"Whoa! Is that supposed to be me?" Shepard asked, incredulous.

As it turned out, it was. The movie was based very loosely on the events leading up to the battle at the Citadel, but it was mostly an excuse for the actress playing Shepard to go topless and fool around with all of her crew members - male and female.

"Wow, this is an excellent piece of cinematography," Joker remarked as movie Shepard started getting it on with an "asari," who was obviously just another human female painted blue.

Joker's enthusiasm soon vanished when the pilot on the fictional Normandy turned out to be a grossly disfigured man with bad makeup that evidently signified some kind of horrible skin condition.

"Hey!" Joker objected, as Shepard laughed so hard she almost fell off the couch.

On screen, fictional Shepard worked her way through the galaxy – and her cast mates – until the final climactic scene. She defeated Saren and shared a sloppy kiss with the handsome lieutenant while the hapless pilot went up in flames with the ship.

"Man, that was terrible," Joker remarked as he turned it off.

"What happened to 'excellent cinematography?'" Shepard smirked.

"Hmph."

"I do think it's kind of funny that they got it exactly wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in the movie, Shepard sleeps with the entire crew, except the pilot. In real life…" Shepard trailed off with a shrug.

"What? You're saying you've only slept with the pilot?"

Shepard looked surprised. "Well, yeah. Why, who else did you think I was involved with?"

"Nobody in particular."

"Joker."

"No, really. I just thought that you might have had something going on but you kept it discreet, you know?"

"What, like you?" Shepard asked, shooting him a knowing glance.

Now it was Joker's turn to be surprised. "Me?"

"Yeah. I knew you were messing around with some of the female crew on the old Normandy. You kept it quiet and it never interfered with the mission, so it wasn't a problem."

Joker was flabbergasted. She was right, of course, but he'd never suspected that she'd known. He'd had a few casual hook-ups with sergeants who'd been impressed with his rank, or his flying skills, or his relationship with the commander - thinking that they could use him to garner her favor - but he'd always ended them before they could turn into anything serious. The last one had concluded abruptly when he'd been sitting with the woman (her name had been Mara, or Marie, or something like that) and Shepard had stopped by to chat. He'd sprung away from his date's side, feeling unreasonably guilty. Shepard had made polite small talk with both of them before giving him instructions for the next day and walking away. He'd torn his eyes away from her retreating form only to find his companion shaking her head and giving him a disgusted look.

"Why don't you just tell her, already?" she'd asked before making her own huffy retreat.

Joker had been embarrassed by his apparent transparency and decided to cool it with the sexual encounters. He hadn't wanted word to get out all over the ship that he was gaga over the commander.

"What about Kaidan?" Joker asked, in order to take the focus off of himself.

"Kaidan?"

"Yeah. You know, that night you, Kaidan, and Ash went to that nightclub, and you and Kaidan stayed out all night?"

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Were you spying on us?"

"No! It's my job to review the logs, remember?"

"Mmm." She still looked suspicious, but she let it drop. "You're talking about the night on the Citadel, right? The night I tried to get you to come with us?"

"Yeah."

Shepard shifted, and a few toes appeared from under the blanket. The nails were purple now. "We went to that club. Flux. Of course, the guys were all over Ash as soon as she walked through the door." Shepard smiled at the recollection. "Kaidan and I sat at the bar and ordered a drink. We were trying to talk, but we could barely hear ourselves over the music. Ash was dancing and having a great time, but it wasn't really my scene. I told Kaidan that I was going to go back to the ship, and he suggested that we take a walk. So I said okay."

Joker was sensing that he might not like where this story was headed, but he had initiated it. He reached for her stray foot, pulling it back under the blanket, massaging the arch. He found himself craving the contact, suddenly.

"We left the Wards and walked to the Presidium. It was so beautiful at night, and quiet. You could hear the fountains; smell the flowers; see the stars. It was one of those perfect moments. Kaidan kissed me."

Shepard's gaze was distant now as she got lost in the memory. "He told me that he cared about me and asked me if I would spend the night with him. I said yes."

Joker tried very hard to relax and control his breathing. She'd said she hadn't been with Kaidan, right? Besides, even if she had, it was a long time ago and the poor guy was dead now.

"We got a room and started fooling around, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't do it. Part of it was that I knew it wasn't right for a commander to sleep with an officer. But if it had just been that, I probably would have done it, anyway."

Her eyes refocused on Joker. "Mostly, it was that I knew that he felt more for me than I felt for him. I didn't want to hurt him."

Shepard shrugged. "He was a gentleman about it. We stayed up most of the night talking. Then I slept in the bed and he slept on the couch. And that was it."

Joker had to ask. "And what about Virmire?"

Now he felt Shepard tense as her expression hardened. "Virmire. My biggest failing as a commander."

"What do you mean?"

"When I realized that I was going to have to choose between Kaidan and Ash, I froze. Completely. Kaidan was in my ear, insisting that I choose Ash, going on and on, not letting up. So I did it. I chose Ash, and I left him. I let him make the decision that I couldn't make. It's haunted me ever since."

Joker spoke carefully. "No matter what you did, you were going to have regrets. You had to leave a member of your crew behind. There was no right or wrong choice."

"True. But I should have had the courage to make it myself. I've tried to accept it, but when I saw Ash on Horizon, the misgivings came back again. I saved her life, and she still doubted me! Kaidan would have believed in me - trusted me - despite the Cerberus association. Or maybe not." Shepard gave a mirthless laugh. "Hell, I don't know anymore."

"Ash should have known better. But look at all of us who did know better – me, Garrus, Tali, Liara. Even the doc. Not to mention all the new lunatics you recruited." That got a chuckle, so Joker continued, "If Ash wants to doubt you, that's her prerogative. See if we let her go on any more suicide missions with us in the future."

"Yeah. That'll teach her."

"Damn straight."

Shepard shook her head as if that could erase the doubts. "Enough reminiscing for now. Want to go try out the tub?"

Getting into the tub turned out to be easier said than done. It took them about 30 seconds to get undressed, since neither of them was fully clothed. It took them another five minutes to remove their assorted bandages. In the meantime, the tub almost overflowed and they had to drain some of the water out before they got in. Shepard's bullet wound was healing nicely, but Joker's ribs were still tightly bound. He was sure the doc wouldn't approve of them removing their dressings, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. His right hand remained splinted and he rested it on the edge of the tub to keep it dry. But once he slid in and felt the warm water massaging his aching form, all the effort was worth it. Shepard slipped in after him, her back to his chest, resting against him. He wrapped his left arm around her.

"Mmmm, this is nice," she sighed.

Joker merely nodded in agreement. He closed his eyes, resting his head against the wall. He could feel Shepard relax, though the water kept her weight from pressing too heavily against him. They stayed like that for five minutes, then ten, neither of them saying anything. He shifted his position, dislodging his arm from the spot where it was wedged between Shepard and the side of the tub, and his fingers slid over wet flesh. Suddenly, he was feeling a lot more alert. He moved his hand slowly along her thigh, caressing the outside, moving slowly inward. He could feel her tense in his embrace.

"Jeff," Shepard said, but it wasn't a sincere protest. In response, he took her earlobe into his mouth and nibbled gently. She sighed and tilted her head to the side to allow him better access.

Joker continued to nip and lick at her ear and neck as his hand worked slowly between her thighs. Shepard moaned and pushed against him, encouraging him to move faster, but he continued his deliberate pace. He was working with his non-dominant hand and didn't have the same dexterity as usual, but being a trained pilot, he was better with his off-hand than most. He thought he would still be able to get the job done.

His fingers were nestled between her legs now, and he slid one finger gently inside. Shepard inhaled, sharply. Her hips rocked against his hand, seeking more contact, and he slid another finger inside as his index finger rubbed soft circles against her nub.

Shepard's breath was coming faster now and she writhed against him as her body arched in response to his attentions. "Oh, god, Jeff…that feels so good." He never liked his name quite so much as he did when it fell from Shepard's lips in the throes of passion. He was growing hard now, his erection pressing against her back. Her arousal turned him on.

Water sloshed rhythmically against the walls of the tub as he stroked her, gradually increasing the pressure and pace until with a cry and a shudder, she climaxed. Joker smiled and kissed her neck gently as her head flopped back against his shoulder.

"Good?"

"Mmm." Her face and chest were flushed and damp from the water as well as the exertion. The rise and fall of her chest slowed as her breathing returned to normal. Shepard roused slowly from her stupor and opened her beautiful eyes, gazing up at him in appreciation.

"Ambidextrous, even? I'm impressed."

"Not quite."

"Close enough." Shepard glanced behind her, where the evidence of his desire was pressing against her flesh. "I'd like to return the favor."

"I won't object."

"Not here. I'd rather not drown. Let's go into the bedroom."

"Whatever you say." They climbed out and stood dripping on the mat. Shepard grabbed a towel and wrapped it around them. She pressed her wet body against his, letting her tongue flick against his top lip, then his bottom. She continued rubbing him with the towel as she teased, never allowing him to capture her nimble tongue for more than a few seconds. He growled in frustration.

"In due time," Shepard promised, with a wicked grin.

She took his hand and led him to the bed, then pressed gently on his chest until he fell backwards, on top of the mattress. She climbed atop of him, straddling his thighs. One of her hands captured both of his wrists over his head, and his heart began to race. She was strong, but she probably wouldn't have been capable of holding him there if he'd really been trying to get away - which he wasn't. He reveled in the sensation of being restrained and under her control.

Shepard continued the torture, licking and kissing his neck; his ears; his lips. She ran her other hand gently along his side, raising goose flesh in its wake. His sore ribs ached a bit from the extension of his arms, but the pleasure of her touch more than compensated. She shifted over him, and their eyes met. He saw the mischievousness there, her intent to torment and tease him; but also, ultimately, her desire to please him the way that he'd pleasured her.

Finally, Shepard released his wrists and slid along the length of his body, trailing moist kisses that dried as the cool air wafted across them in her wake. Her tongue followed the line of hair that led from his navel to his now throbbing erection. She took him into her warm, wet mouth and he groaned with the pleasure of it. She continued to tantalize, taking him deep in her mouth, and then releasing him to lick up and down his length, and all around the tip. He was panting with the effort of restraint, the line between pleasure and pain so deliciously blurred, as it always was with this woman.

"Shepard, please…" Joker managed.

"Please what?" Shepard inquired, innocently.

Joker couldn't even articulate what he needed, beyond release. "Please…" he tried again.

"Since you asked so nicely." Shepard hastily sheathed him with a condom he hadn't even seen her acquire and straddled him again, this time guiding him inside of her. Joker closed his eyes and reached for her hips, leading her in the rhythm that his body craved. She obliged, rising and falling slowly at first, but increasing the tempo rapidly as his fingers dug into her flesh, urging her faster. He was aware only of the tension in his muscles and the building pressure down below until that blissful point of no return.

Afterwards, Joker lay still, his tendons slowly uncoiling, and he was vaguely aware of Shepard climbing off of him. His eyes remained closed for several moments as he recovered. When he opened them, she was lying beside him, grinning.

"You are so evil," he admonished her, affectionately.

"And you love it."

"You got that right." Joker removed the condom as she handed him some tissues from the nightstand. He tossed the bundle into the bedside trash and fell back onto the pillows, exhausted. "I need a nap."

"Sounds good to me," Shepard said as she curled up beside him. He heaved a contented sigh and started to say something else, but he drifted away before he could think of what it was.

Joker awoke, disoriented. The room was shrouded in shadows. They'd left lights on downstairs, and the illumination kept the total darkness at bay. He looked at the clock - they'd only been asleep for about an hour or so. Shepard was still burrowed against him, one arm thrown across his abdomen. His left arm was pinned under her and it was numb from the shoulder down. He winced as he tried to shift her weight, and she stirred with a grumble.

"Sorry," Joker murmured, kissing the top of her head. "My arm's asleep."

Shepard muttered something incoherent as she buried her face against his shoulder. This freed his arm from the elbow down, at least, and he flexed it to restore the circulation. It tingled uncomfortably as the blood began to flow again.

Joker noticed the light on her computer terminal blinking furiously from its spot atop the desk in the corner of the room. "Looks like there are people who wish to speak with you," he informed her.

"Mmm." Shepard didn't open her eyes.

"Are you hungry?"

This roused her, slightly. They hadn't eaten since breakfast, and Shepard had the metabolism of a rabid varren. She rolled away from him and stretched, languorously.

"I could eat."

"Why don't you check your messages while I go see about dinner?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I wouldn't expect too much, but I'm sure I'm capable of heating something up."

"Okay." Shepard kissed him and hopped out of bed, pulling a t-shirt over her head. She was already seated in front of the terminal by the time he pulled on his clothes and headed downstairs.

Joker found two individual portions of lasagna in the freezer and put them in the oven to defrost. There were ingredients for a salad in the refrigerator, and he chopped those into a bowl. He found a bottle of red wine and uncorked it to let it breathe. He set the table, but couldn't find any candles. However, all the fixtures were equipped with rheostats, so he dimmed the lights. Leaving the lasagna to finish warming, he climbed the stairs again.

"It's almost ready," Joker informed Shepard as he crossed the room behind her. She must have been engrossed in whatever she was reading, because she startled before quickly clicking the screen to close the message.

"Keeping secrets again, huh? Corresponding with your other lover on Tuchunka?"

Shepard laughed. "You caught me. I can't resist a hulking alien with anger management issues."

"What woman could, really? Ready to eat?"

"Absolutely."

When Shepard caught sight of the dining room, she said, "Wow, look at this! Fancy."

Joker pulled a chair out for her, and then retrieved the wine from the counter, filling both of their glasses. He removed the lasagna from the oven and spooned it onto the plates. As he placed one in front of her, he said, "It looks more impressive than it really is."

"Well, I'm impressed, nonetheless."

They ate and chatted benignly, telling silly stories about the crew.

"Oh, man, I totally wish I could have been there for that! 'You talk too much' and kablam! You blew that krogan up!"

"Kablam? What am I, the villain in one of your comic books?" Shepard asked, amused.

"Or, when you headbutted that krogan...what was his name, Gulag?"

Shepard laughed. "Gatatog. Gatatog Uvenk. I'll admit, that was fun. There's nothing like a good headbutt once in a while."

"Now you sound like Grunt." Joker sighed. "I have to admit, it'd be cool to actually go with you on a mission someday."

"Well, as far as Tuchunka goes, you aren't missing much. It's not going to make the list of top 100 vacation destinations anytime soon. And getting shot at all the time isn't all it's cracked up to be. I just have a way of making it look like a lot more fun than it really is."

"That you do."

"Besides, you kicked some Collector ass back at their base...without ever stepping foot off the Normandy, I might add."

"Yeah. I put a few holes in those bastards, didn't I?"

"Absolutely."

Shepard rose to clear their empty plates, but Joker motioned for her to stay put and removed them himself. He rummaged in the fridge and pulled out a platter.

"I don't know what this is, but it looks like chocolate, so I figured you'd like it."

Joker put two portions of the dessert onto small plates and brought it to the table. Shepard took one bite and moaned with pleasure.

"Hey! I thought you only made sounds like that for me."

"Oh, my god. This is amazing!"

Joker took a bite. It was chocolate, all right…chocolate cake with chocolate mousse and whipped topping with chocolate shavings. A little rich for his taste, but Liara obviously knew Shepard's weaknesses as well as he did. She devoured hers and gazed longingly at his plate.

"Here," Joker said, pushing it towards her. It disappeared as quickly as the first, and afterwards, Shepard pushed the plate away and sighed happily.

"Yum."

"Come on," Joker said, grabbing what remained of the bottle of wine and his glass. "Let's go in the other room. We can clean up later."

Shepard picked up her glass and followed. They settled onto the couch, fully sated from the food and a little buzzed from the wine. Shepard put on some music as they cuddled under the blanket. All in all, it was the perfect ending to a delightfully pleasant day. When the wine was gone and Shepard was starting to doze, Joker managed to herd her up the stairs and into bed.