"Well, we're rarely ever sane

I drive you crazy, and you do the same

But your fire fills my soul

And it warms me up like no one knows"

I'm Feeling You – Santana w/Michelle Branch

The couple spent the next day much like the one before…eating, resting, watching movies. By the end of the day, JOker could tell that the confinement was starting to get to Shepard. So he wasn't surprised that evening when she said, "You know, the day after tomorrow is the big day." She was seated at the desk, going through her messages. Joker was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth.

He spat toothpaste into the sink and said, "What big day?"

Shepard gave him an incredulous look. "C'mon."

Joker thought for a minute, and then it came to him. "Oh. That."

"Wow, such enthusiasm. It's your 30th birthday! Aren't you excited? Wouldn't you like to do something special?"

"Okay." Joker dried his face with the towel and began to leave the bathroom, but then paused, reconsidering. He went back and rinsed the glob of toothpaste out of the sink. He didn't have a lot of experience cohabitating with women, but he was learning.

"I was thinking we could go someplace nice for dinner." Shepard stood and stretched as Joker shut off the light in the bathroom and crossed the room to the bed. "Hey, can I borrow a tee? I need to do some laundry. Oh, I have an idea! We can go shopping tomorrow and buy clothes so we can get all dressed up to go out and celebrate!"

"Sure."

"Again, with the enthusiasm," Shepard remarked, dryly.

"Take what you want," Joker replied, waving vaguely in the direction of his duffel. "But I don't know why you insist on wearing clothes to bed. It's a waste of time."

"Yeah, I'm sure that the five seconds it takes you to get me naked are a real inconvenience," Shepard retorted as she dug through his bag. She pulled out a shirt, and something rattled to the ground. "Hey, what's this?"

When Joker recognized what she'd found, his heart sank in apprehension. Shepard looked at him, bewildered. "Where did you get these?" Her Alliance dog tags dangled from her fist.

"When Cerberus came looking for me after you got spaced, I didn't believe them when they told me you were still alive," Joker explained, reluctantly. "Hell, I'd watched you die. I was sure that they were fucking with me. But they gave me those as evidence." He gestured toward the dog tags. "I don't know why I thought that proved anything. It was far more likely that they had removed them from your corpse. But I wanted to believe. You know?"

"I think so," Shepard said, quietly.

"All that time you were recovering, they wouldn't let me see you. Every time I started to doubt that you were really alive, I'd pull out those tags. It was the only thing of yours I had to hold onto."

Joker's voice broke, and he cleared his throat. "I've been meaning to give them back to you. It just never seemed like the right time." He shifted his eyes away from hers. "I don't like thinking about that time. Especially because…"

"Because?" Shepard prodded, gently.

"Because it was my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"If you hadn't come back for me, you wouldn't have gotten spaced," Joker whispered, staring down at the sheets.

"Oh, Jeff." Shepard came and sat next to him on the bed, the chain entwined in her fingers. "Is that what you think? All this time, you've been carrying that around?" She reached out and caressed his cheek, but Joker didn't respond or look up.

"I'm the C.O.," Shepard continued. "It's my job to make sure my crew are safe. You're the pilot. It's your job to stay with the ship; to hold her together as long as you can. If you hadn't done what you did, we would have lost so many more people that day. You did your job; I did mine. The only blame lies with the ones who did this, the Collectors. Don't take that on yourself."

When Joker was finally able to meet her gaze, he could see that Shepard was being sincere. But three years of guilt couldn't be wiped away in an instant.

Joker asked the questions that had haunted him for so long. "Did it hurt? Were you scared?"

Shepard sighed, leaning back against the headboard. "During the attack, I was just focused on getting everyone into the escape pods. Once I got thrown clear of the ship, an eerie calm settled over me. It was so cold, and silent. I was wondering how long I could float out there, if the Collectors would come back around, or if a rescue ship would pick me up. Then I noticed that my suit had been punctured by shrapnel."

"Once I realized I was losing oxygen, I panicked a little. Suffocating is…unpleasant." Shepard mustered a wry grin at the obvious understatement. "I remember feeling grateful that the crew was safe - especially you. I thought about our first kiss, on the Citadel. Do you remember that? I regretted not ever telling you what that meant to me." Shepard paused, caught up in the memory. "But it was over quickly. I was unconscious before I entered Alchera's atmosphere, which was ultimately a blessing. I don't remember hitting the ground."

Joker was silent for a beat, considering. "I kept expecting you to say something about that kiss…you know, afterwards."

Shepard shrugged. "Things were so crazy in the aftermath of Sovereign's destruction…all that stuff with the Council, and the press. By the time we were back on the ship and things were somewhat back to normal, it felt like too much time had gone by. And you never mentioned it, either. Plus, there was the whole fraternization thing. It seemed better to just leave it alone."

"I know. I felt the same way. I wanted to talk to you, but…"

"I think it kind of took me by surprise, too. I mean, the kiss was kind of spur of the moment. It was celebratory, not romantic. But when it happened, I realized…you remember when I told you about Kaidan and how he kissed me? It was nice, but I didn't feel anything like when you and I…"

Shepard trailed off, regrouped. "I could tell that this was different. I wasn't sure I was ready for the ramifications of that."

"Then, when I came back from the dead, things were even more complicated. To me, the kiss had just happened. To you, two years had gone by! I didn't know how you felt about it, or me, or anything. But once we got back into a rhythm, I realized you were the same old Joker. And, well, I decided to take the chance."

"I'm very, very grateful that you did."

Shepard smiled as she reached out and took his hand. "Look, Jeff…what's past is past. We got a rare second chance, and we're making up for lost time. But you have to promise me that you're going to try to let go of all that guilt. It doesn't do anyone any good. I don't blame you for what happened. I never did."

"Okay. I'll try." But in his heart, Joker knew it wasn't going to be as easy as that.

The next morning, they went shopping. They strolled through the shopping district, examining wares in windows. Shepard found a shop that carried clothing for humans and bought some shorts, tees and other casual items. They found a collectibles store and browsed its cramped aisles for a while. Joker found a replica of the first Alliance ship to travel through the mass relays, which was extremely rare, and very expensive. Shepard paid for it with the forged Cerberus chit. They ate lunch in an outdoor café where they could watch the hustle and bustle of the city flow around them. Joker enjoyed it more than he would have expected. He'd traveled all over the galaxy, but he hadn't really seen that much of it. The energy of a bustling metropolis like Nos Astra was infectious. And the skyline was majestic.

Joker was lingering over the dregs of his beer when Shepard said, "Whoa, look at the time. We need to go." She stood and started hastily gathering their purchases.

"What? Why? Go where?" Joker tossed back the last of the beer and stood to help her.

"We have an appointment."

"Where?" he asked again.

"You'll see."

They hurried to the taxi stand and called a cab. Once they'd settled in, Shepard input the address. Five minutes later, they arrived at a modest store front in a quiet part of town. The door was locked, but Shepard pressed the intercom and a voice said, "Yes?"

"Commander Shepard. I have an appointment."

The door buzzed and Shepard pulled it open. They entered a spacious room full of expensive-looking clothes, all designed for humans. The room was divided with men's clothes on one side and women's on the other. An impeccably dressed and beautiful asari approached them, smiling.

"Commander Shepard! It is an honor to meet you!"

"Thank you for making time for us."

"Nonsense! Any friend of Liara's is a friend of mine. I am Alaina, the proprietor of this establishment. Here, let me take your bags." A human assistant appeared from nowhere and took possession of their things. "So, how can I be of assistance today?"

"We need some formal attire for a special occasion."

"Well, you've come to the right place. We have all the newest designer items straight from Earth." Alaina regarded Joker as if he were an item of used furniture that may or may not be emitting a foul odor. "How formal? Tux or suit?"

"A suit will be fine," Shepard assured her.

"Hmmm." The asari began running her hands over Joker. "Good definition through the shoulders and chest. I'd guess you're a 44, but we'll measure to be sure." Her hands continued down along his sides. "Waist is about a 36. We can find something fitted, but that will still camouflage any problem areas." Her hands lingered right above his waist as she said this.

Shepard nodded in agreement with the asari's words as Joker said, "Hey, wait a minute. What?"

He was still contemplating his "problem areas" as Alaina continued, "We'll go with something unpleated with a snugger inseam. It's very much the style right now." Joker was caught completely unprepared when she bent and ran her hands along the inside of his legs into a region where nobody but Shepard had visited in a long while. He quickly stepped back with a warding off gesture toward the saleswoman.

"Okay, hold on just a second. I don't have 'problem areas.' I'm in excellent shape. And nobody touches me there unless they buy me a beer first."

Shepard regarded him with amusement as Alaina stood with hands raised in a gesture of surrender. "I apologize. Let me select some items for you to try, and we can worry about the exact measurements afterwards." She retreated and Joker glared at Shepard, balefully.

"This is why I don't like clothes shopping."

"Because attractive sales people grope you?"

"And call me fat."

"She didn't call you fat."

"I'm not fat. I'm a soldier!"

"Who sits in a chair all day."

"Whoa, wait a minute! Are you calling me fat now?" Joker examined his waist in consternation. It looked the same as always.

Shepard sighed, rolling her eyes. "No one is calling you fat! Will you please just calm down?"

Alaina returned with some items and handed them to Joker. "Why don't you start with these? The fitting rooms are right over there." With a grumble, he accepted the clothing and went to get changed.

The rest of the appointment went more smoothly. With input from Shepard, Alaina helped him choose a black suit with an aqua colored shirt and a silk tie with varying shades of green and blue. The women seemed very impressed, and even Joker had to admit that he looked pretty damn good.

As he was returning from the dressing room with the suit over his arm, Joker heard Alaina say, "We can do the alterations now and have them done by the time we finish with your fitting." Shepard nodded as the doorbell rang once again. Alaina spoke into the intercom, and Joker thought he recognized the responding giggle. The door buzzed open and Kasumi bounded in.

"Oh, I missed Joker's fitting? Damn!" the bubbly thief exclaimed as she approached.

"Hey, Kaz," Joker greeted her. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going to help Shepard pick out a dress so she can be all gorgeous for your date!"

Joker looked questioningly at Shepard, who explained, "I figured you would've had enough of clothes shopping by now. Kasumi can help me out if you just want to take our packages and head back to the apartment?"

"You sure you don't want me to wait? I don't mind."

"Nah, you'll be bored. Besides, this way, it'll be a surprise."

"Okay." Joker gave her a quick kiss. "You ladies have fun."

"Oh, we will," Kasumi assured him as she dragged Shepard towards the nearby racks. Joker shook his head and walked toward the front of the store where the assistant was straightening some merchandise.

"Would it be possible for me to collect our bags from you? Oh, and can you call a cab for me, too?"

"Certainly, sir!" She retrieved the packages from the back room and made the call. "Did you find what you were looking for today?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know much about fashion and stuff."

The girl grinned, sympathetically. "Most men don't. You're lucky. Your wife has good taste."

"Oh, she's not my…" Joker began, automatically, then stopped. "Yeah, she does. She chose me, after all."

"Indeed," the sales girl laughed. "If you don't mind me saying, you two seem very happy together."

"Yeah. Well, at least I am. I can't speak for her."

"She is. I can tell," she nodded, sagely. "I hope I'm that lucky someday."

"You will be," Joker responded, reflexively, although in all honestly, he doubted it. He didn't think too many people got as lucky as he and Shep.

"I'm Dahlia, by the way. Would you like anything while you wait? Water? Coffee?"

"No, I'm fine." Joker glanced down at the case she was cleaning, and something caught his eye. "Wait. Can I see that, please?" He pointed at the item and Dahlia unlocked the case and removed it.

"It's gorgeous, isn't it?"

It was a necklace with a diamond-shaped pendant the exact emerald of Shepard's eyes. In each of the four corners, there was a small diamond holding the mounting in place.

"The chain is platinum, so it looks delicate but it's extremely strong. The emerald is surrounded by four, quarter carat diamonds." Dahlia smiled, knowing she had him on the hook. "It would look fantastic on your wife."

Joker glanced over his shoulder, reassuring himself that Shepard was out of earshot. "How much is it?"

He almost keeled over when Dahlia told him the amount. It was over a month's pay. But he had years and years of salary in the bank, since all he did was work, and up until now, he'd had nothing - and no one - to spend it on.

"Okay," Joker said, surreptitiously sliding the girl his credit chit. "I'll take it."

"Excellent! I'll gift wrap it for you." Dahlia quickly rang up the purchase. "She's going to love it."

"For that price, I certainly hope so," Joker muttered as the door chimed once again to announce the cab's arrival. He gathered up his bags and, with a final peek over his shoulder, scurried out of the store.

It was hours later before Shepard returned. Joker had been sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels, when he'd come across one with the unmistakable soundtrack of something naughty. The channel itself was only static, so he was sitting there, trying to peer through the fuzziness, when he heard the front door open. In a panic, he stabbed at a button on the remote, but that only amplified the music tenfold. Shepard looked at him quizzically as she entered the room and draped two garment bags across the back of the couch. Joker finally found the mute button and the room went blessedly silent, although the blurry picture remained.

"You don't have to turn off your porn," Shepard reassured him as she leaned over the back of the sofa and kissed his cheek. She squinted at the screen. "Although, you might want to unscramble it. It'll give you a headache trying to watch it like that."

Joker found the off button, at last, which put an end to the embarrassing moment - and, he hoped, this conversation. "You were gone a while."

"Yeah. First, Kasumi helped me pick out a dress. Then, we went and got our nails done." Shepard held out her hands, wiggling her fingers for his inspection. The nails sparkled. "My toes match."

"Very nice."

"And I got a haircut."

Joker looked more closely, and sure enough, her hair wasn't hanging in her eyes anymore. It swept softly to one side, framing her face, while the back just grazed her shoulders.

"You look gorgeous. But then again, you always look gorgeous."

Shepard snorted. "Liar. But thank you." She sat next to him and let her head fall back against the cushion. "Being a girl is a lot of work."

"Sounds like it."

"Did you eat yet?"

"Nope, I was waiting for you."

"Well, I'm here and I'm hungry. Let's eat."

Joker startled awake, but he wasn't sure what had woken him until the rattle of thunder shook the apartment. He could hear the rain pattering hard against the windows. The bed next to him was empty. He peered into the darkness.

"Shep?" he called softly, but there was no answer.

Joker climbed out of bed, pulled on his boxers, and padded barefoot down the stairs. There was a flash of lightening, and he could see her silhouette. Shepard was seated on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching the storm. He sat beside her and shivered from the coolness of the leather against his bare skin. Without looking at him, Shepard unraveled the blanket from around her form and wrapped it around his shoulders. He pulled her closer, savoring the warmth from the covering as well as her body heat. She rested her head against his chest with a sigh as another roll of thunder rattled the glass.

"You okay?" Joker asked, quietly, stroking her hair.

"Yeah," Shepard replied, unconvincingly. "The storm woke me."

They were silent for a while. It was oddly comforting, snuggling together where it was safe, warm, and dry, while the storm raged mere feet away. Lightening occasionally lit the sky, and rain streaked the glass. It was very early morning, and most of the surrounding buildings were dark. It was easy to imagine that the whole world had fallen away and only the two of them remained.

"Did I ever tell you about Kasumi and Keiji?" Shepard asked, suddenly.

"Mmm…a little. They were partners, right?"

"In every sense."

"Ah."

"The mission I helped Kaz with…the man who had killed Keiji had stolen his graybox. It had sensitive military information on it, but Keiji had entangled the information with personal recollections of himself and Kasumi so Hock wasn't able to crack it. When we got it back, Kasumi discovered a message that Keiji had left for her. He wanted her to destroy the graybox. But that would have meant destroying their intimate memories, as well. Understandably, she didn't want to do it."

Shepard paused, prompting Joker to inquire, "So, what happened?"

"I agreed to let her keep it intact. It wasn't the logical decision. Keiji had made it clear that the information could be dangerous to the Alliance. But I couldn't bring myself to force her to erase all that she had left of him." Shepard looked up at him. "If I died, would you want to have something like that?"

Joker squirmed uncomfortably, forcing her to shift her position. The blanket slipped and she gathered it tightly around them again. "Shepard, I don't really want to talk about this."

But Shepard persisted. "I'm not sure I did the right thing for Kasumi. I don't think it's healthy."

Joker sighed, reluctantly. "If you died, then the memories of our time together would be priceless to me. Would I want some kind of graybox; or perfect recall, like the drell have? I don't know. Due to the nature of the human mind, memories fade. That's what allows us to move on, supposedly. But, then again, you were gone for two years, and my memories of you never dulled. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you." Although what he was sharing with her wasn't a secret, Joker had never really admitted it aloud to anyone, either. He was surprised to find that it felt like a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

"If the memories are as vivid as the day they happened, I can see how there might be a real danger of escaping into them and never coming out. But I don't see any sign of that with Kasumi. She seems to live in the present; she engages with others. What's this really about?"

There was a long pause, then Shepard whispered, "Do you think about dying?"

"Are you kidding? How does a person hang out with you and not think about dying?"

"Jeff."

"Sorry. Yes, of course I think about it. Not as much as I did when you were gone, though."

Shepard looked up at him, sharply. "What does that mean?"

"Just what I said. I thought about it. A lot."

"Joker, you have to promise me." Shepard sat up and was staring into his eyes now, using her boss voice. "You have to promise me that if anything happens to me, you won't do something stupid."

"Shep, I do plenty of stupid things now, and you're alive."

"Promise me."

"Okay, okay. I promise."

Shepard held his gaze a moment longer, searching for deception. Then, apparently mollified, she settled back against him.

"Death never really used to scare me," Shepard continued. "I didn't think that much about it. It was always right there, lurking around every corner, so what good did it do to worry about it? Then it happened, and it wasn't really so bad." She paused. "Coming back was worse."

"But now…" Shepard trailed off. "It's not even so much the dying that bothers me, but the not living - if that makes any sense. Missing out on this. You and me. What we have now. Whatever the future might bring. I never had anything to lose before. Now, the fear's always with me."

This conversation was causing a cold knot to form in Joker's chest. He wanted to reassure her, but he didn't know how - not when he was terrified of the same damn thing. It had already happened once. There were no guarantees, and they both knew it.

"I understand what you're saying. And I feel the same way. But, it's like Liara's always saying. It's not how long you have, but what you do with the time. All we can do is make the most of the time we have so that we don't have any regrets later. It's okay to be afraid. Hell, I'd be more worried if you weren't scared. But what's that saying, 'Courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing what needs to be done despite it?' And you," Joker paused to kiss her forehead, "are the bravest person I know."

Shepard raised her head again, and smiled. "And I ask again - how did you get so damn smart?"

"I've always been damn smart. It's just that no one ever notices."

"I notice." Shepard kissed his lips. "I want you to be happy. You know, even if…"

Joker laughed without humor. "Yeah, that's not going to happen. I wasn't happy before you came along, and I won't be happy if you're gone."

Shepard stroked his beard. "But you're happy now?" she asked, studying him.

"Yeah. I'm happy." Joker kissed her, gently. "Can we go back to bed now?"

Shepard settled her head back against his chest. "Let's just watch the rain for a little while longer." They stayed where they were until the storm had passed and the sun began to climb its way into the sky.