"Before they even saw my face

They knew that I was not the same

And decided I was not the one for you"

Unaffected - Hoobastank

It was late when they arrived on Arcturus. His mom had instructed him to call when they got there, but Joker decided to hail a cab instead.

They reached their destination and disembarked. Joker stood on the curb for a moment, gathering his resolve. Shepard shot him a quizzical look.

"Okay, let's go," Joker said.

He rapped once and then opened the door. "Hello? Anybody home?"

Excited yapping erupted, heading in their direction, and then a little ball of fur came skidding around the corner from the rear of the house. The dog sniffed Joker briefly then made a beeline for Shepard.

"My parents have a dog," Joker informed her, belatedly.

"I see that."

"His name's Charlie. Don't worry, he's friendly."

"I see that, too," Shepard replied wryly, as the dog started to hump her leg.

Joker's mother appeared through the doorway to the living room, followed closely by his father. "Jeffrey! I thought you were going to call so we could pick you up!" she admonished as she took hold and began squeezing the life out of him.

"Ow! Mom…bones," Joker gasped, returning the hug. She loosened her grip, but not by much. Charlie danced frantic circles around them, barking happily.

"Hey, son. It's good to see you," his dad said, trying to reach him around his mother's smothering embrace. She finally relinquished her hold on him and both parents stood gazing expectantly at Shepard, who still lurked awkwardly in the entrance.

"Mom, Dad…this is Commander Samantha Shepard." Joker took a deep breath. "My fiancée."

Stunned silence greeted this announcement. Joker's father was the first to recover, breaking into a warm, genuine grin. "Fiancée? Congratulations!" He moved to hug Shepard, who accepted it clumsily. "Welcome to our home, Commander. It's an honor to have you here."

"Please…just call me Sam."

"Very well. And you can call me Marc."

"Nice to meet you, Marc. Sir."

His mother's shocked smile was frozen in place. "Louise?" his father prompted.

"Hmm?" She seemed to gather herself. "Oh, yes! It's nice to meet you, Samantha. Please, come in, come in," she chided, ushering them inside. Joker noted that she had essentially ignored his proclamation.

"Would you like something to drink?" Marc asked as they settled onto the couch. "Water, soda, beer?"

"I'll take a beer," Joker replied, gratefully.

"Me, too," said Shepard.

"Louise?" She just shook her head.

"Coming right up," their host replied cheerfully as he retreated to the kitchen.

The three of them sat in awkward silence. Joker settled back onto the couch and idly took Shepard's hand in his. His mother's gaze settled onto their clasped hands like a laser beam, and he reflexively released his grip. Shepard glanced his way, confused by his uncertainty. Luckily, his father reappeared at that moment.

"Here we go," he said as he distributed the beverages. Shepard and Joker thanked him, and he settled into his customary recliner with the dog stretched out by his feet.

"So, how was the trip?" Marc inquired. Grateful for the ice breaker, Joker shared the tale of meeting his former classmate.

They continued to make small talk for a while, his mother being uncharacteristically quiet, until they finished their beers and Shepard yawned.

"Forgive us," Marc said, taking note of the gesture. "You two must be tired. We can talk more tomorrow."

"I straightened up your room, Jeffrey," his mother informed him. "But as you know, there's only a double bed in there. Are you sure Samantha wouldn't be more comfortable in the guest room?"

"I'm sure, Mom," Joker said, resolutely. They'd gone over this on the phone. She'd offered separate rooms, and he'd politely declined. He had no intention of changing his mind now.

"Whatever you prefer," Louise said mildly, as if it made no difference to her.

They stood and collected their bags, exchanging good nights. Joker led Shepard up the stairs to his childhood bedroom and opened the door. It still looked exactly the way he'd left it, except perhaps a bit neater. They tossed their duffels aside and Joker settled onto the bed while Shepard explored the room, curiously.

"Your mom doesn't seem to care for me much," she observed.

Joker sighed. "It's not you. She's just overprotective."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "She thinks she needs to protect you from me?"

"I don't know what she's thinking, to be honest, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough."

Finishing her perusal of his belongings, Shepard kicked off her boots and pants, leaving only her shirt and underwear. She moved over to the bed, and with a wicked gleam in her eyes that he recognized all too well, settled with feline grace on hands and knees above his prone form.

"She can't protect you from me now," she purred, fluttering kisses along his neck.

"Shepard." The protest died on his lips as she steadily worked her way down to his collarbone, then back up to his mouth.

"Mmm," Joker murmured, placing his hands on her ass as her tongue tangled with his, and that was the exact position they were in when there was a sharp rap on the door and it opened before they could respond.

"Oh, my!" Joker heard his mother exclaim as he instantly relinquished his grasp on Shepard's buttocks. She broke the clinch and gave him a measured look before slowly settling back onto her haunches, still straddling him.

"I just wanted to make sure that you had clean towels for the morning," Louise explained awkwardly, setting the laundry on the dresser near the door. She shot a disapproving look at Shepard, who gazed back defiantly.

"Thanks, Mom," Joker said.

"Well, good night." With one last reproachful look, Louise retreated.

Joker blew out a sigh as Shepard asked, "Should I lock the door?"

"No. I mean, you can if you want, but…look, Shep, maybe this isn't a good idea. My parents' room is right across the hall, and the walls are kinda thin – please, don't ask me how I know that – and, well, you can be kinda…"

"Kinda?"

"You know. Loud."

"Loud? I can be loud? And you have a problem with this?" Shepard was observing him with narrowed eyes, obviously displeased.

"No, of course not! Not usually. It's just here, you know…"

"Yeah, well, don't worry. You won't have to worry about me being too loud tonight," Shepard declared as she climbed off of him and crawled underneath the sheets. She rolled over, taking most of the blankets with her, and clicked off the light. That left Joker lying fully clothed on top of the bed, in the dark, wondering what the hell he'd been thinking by bringing her here.

Joker wandered into the kitchen the next morning, yawning. Shepard was standing by the counter - dressed in a tank top, running shorts and sneakers - stretching her quads and sipping from a steaming cup of coffee.

"I figured out the coffee maker. I hope your folks like it strong."

"Well, we like it strong, and we're company, so that's all that matters." Joker poured himself a cup and sat at the table. "What's with the sudden interest in exercise?" She hadn't been running the whole time they'd been on Illium.

"Well, since I wasn't able to burn any calories last night," Shepard pointed out.

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours."

"Oh, right."

Shepard popped a slice of pineapple in her mouth from a bowl of fruit sitting out on the counter. "I hope it's okay that I grabbed this from the fridge. After being on a ship for so long, I can't get enough fresh fruit. I felt like I was going to get that disease…what is it, mange?"

Joker looked at her, amused. "Only if you're worried about losing all of your fur. I think what you're thinking of is scurvy. Although, I don't think people actually get that anymore."

"Whatever, smart guy." Shepard finished her coffee and set the mug in the sink. "Be back in a little while." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Joker was cheered to see that she didn't seem to be harboring too much ill will from the night before.

"Do you know where you're going?"

"I'll figure it out," Shepard replied as she slammed out the back door.

Joker had about 60 seconds of blissful peace before his father appeared in the doorway. "Was that Shepard?" Marc asked.

"Yeah. She went for a run."

"Oh, too bad," his pop said, wistfully. "I've been thinking about getting back into shape. I could have gone with her."

Joker hid his grin behind his mug. His father hadn't been running in…well, ever, that he could remember. He had about as much chance of keeping up with Shepard as Joker did.

Louise bustled in, Charlie on her heels. "Good morning." She eyed her son. "Jeffrey, is that how you dress to come to breakfast?"

Joker looked down at his t-shirt and boxers. "Sorry, didn't realize you'd instituted a dress code. Is breakfast a formal affair now?"

"Always with the smart mouth," Louise huffed as she poured some kibble into the dog's bowl. "Where's Samantha?"

"She went for a run," Joker repeated.

Louise looked appalled. "What kind of person goes running before breakfast?"

"The kind who didn't get any last night," Joker thought, but did not say. Exercise was anathema in the Moreau household, which was why his parents were almost as wide as they were tall.

"She was feeling cooped up," Joker said instead.

Louise poured herself a cup of coffee and took a sip. "Lord! This is strong!"

"Shep…Sam made it."

"I like it," Marc offered as his mother glared. Joker wondered how much longer Shepard was going to be gone.

Louise sat at the table next to him. "I forgot to mention this to you last night. Since this is one of those rare occasions when you're home on your birthday - or near it, anyway – we thought we'd have a party for you tomorrow night."

Joker thought about his surprise party, and about how there was no way this one could live up to that (especially the after-party) but he managed to keep his musings to himself. "Okay," he replied, noncommittally.

"Just some of our friends from work; some family…oh, and your sister's flying in."

"Jules is coming?" Joker asked, perking up significantly.

"Yes, with Brian and the boys," Marc said. "You haven't even seen Logan yet, have you?"

"No." His sister had two boys. The last time Joker had seen her, the older one had been a baby. He'd never met his youngest nephew.

"The party's going to be at the Sundown." That was a resort hotel in the downtown area. "Julia and her family are going to stay there since there's not enough room for everyone here."

"Shep…" Dammit, he couldn't stop calling her that. "Sam and I can move if they'd rather stay here," Joker offered. That would solve his intrusive mother and angry fiancée problem with one simple act.

"Nonsense!" Louise exclaimed. "We see them all the time. We want to spend time with you and Samantha. If you're going to be married, we should get to know her better."

They discussed plans for the party a bit more, and then Louise stood and started breaking out the pots and pans. She was pulling eggs, milk, butter and other ingredients from the fridge when Shepard rematerialized at the back door.

Her cheeks and chest were flushed from exertion, and she was holding her side like she had a cramp. "Are you okay?" Joker asked her.

"Yeah," Shepard said, wincing. "That bullet wound is bothering me. Can you take a look?" She raised her tank top, exposing bare midriff, and Joker looked at the healing wound.

"It looks okay to me," he said, running his fingertips over it. "It's not red, or swollen, or anything."

"I didn't think so, either. But it feels taut when I run, like it's pulling. Probably just scar tissue," Shepard decided, dropping her top back into place. Joker glanced up to see both of his parents watching them, aghast.

"Sorry," Shepard said. "That probably wasn't appropriate conversation for meal time, huh?"

Surprisingly, Louise was the first to respond. "That's quite all right, dear. I was just going to make some eggs. Would you like some?"

"Sure."

"Would you like pancakes, as well?"

"Whatever you make, I'll eat. I'm not picky, especially when someone else is cooking."

"Wonderful. I was worried that a skinny little thing like you would be one of those health nuts or something."

Shepard laughed. "No, ma'am. You can ask Jeff – I eat plenty. But I should probably go get showered before we eat."

"That's fine, dear."

With a wink at Joker, Shepard disappeared.

As soon as she was gone, his mother slipped back into her chair at the table. "Jeffrey, please don't get mad at me, but I have to ask – are you sure about this engagement?"

"Louise!" Marc said, sternly. "This is none of your business."

"Of course it's my business! If I feel my only son is going to marry someone unsuitable, I have to speak up."

Joker fought to stay calm. "How am I not supposed to get angry with you for asking me that, Mom? You don't even know Shepard."

"Apparently, neither do you! You call your fiancée by her last name!"

"That's just habit. She's been my CO for years!"

"The woman is covered with scars!"

Joker thought about what they'd seen when Shepard had uncovered her abdomen. The scars from her fall were still visible, of course, but they were a shadow of what they'd once been. He didn't even notice them anymore. But apparently, his mother had. "She's a soldier! And she died! You already knew that, Mom!"

"She lives a life of violence, Jeffrey. I know that you think she's an honorable and dedicated person, and that you admire her. But she won't make a good wife and mother. Mark my words." Louise's mouth was set in a stubborn line.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I love Shepard, and we're going to get married. You can accept it, or not, but that's the way it is."

"Is it the sex?" Louise asked him. "I saw you two last night! Sex can make men crazy, I know, but that's no reason to get married to someone!"

"Mom!"

"Louise!" his father admonished again. "That's enough!"

With a glare in her husband's direction, Joker's mother got up and resumed cooking, banging the cookware angrily. Marc shot him an apologetic glance, which he returned with a grateful one.

They were sitting there silently, tension filling the room, when Shepard returned. She'd pulled on jeans and a tee, but she was barefoot and her hair was still damp. She had obviously hurried in order to not miss out on the food.

Shepard glanced around the room, soaking in the change of atmosphere, and then turned to Joker, bewildered. "Okay. What did I miss?"

Luckily, everyone wasn't together again until dinnertime. They decided to go to a local restaurant that had been a family favorite when the younger Moreaus had still lived at home. Apparently, his parents still ate there on occasion, because the hostess greeted them by name when they arrived before seating them at a booth in the dining room. Shepard sat next to Marc, and across from Joker, which left him seated next to his mother.

They ordered pizza and a pitcher of beer. The restaurant was bustling and boisterous, which made conversation somewhat challenging.

"So," Marc said to Shepard. "I imagine you know your way around a gun, being in your line of work."

"Well, I know how to use one. I'm not much on custom mods and stuff like that."

"I only ask because – I don't know if Jeff told you this or not – I spent most of my career working in weapons development, particularly military applications."

"Really? No, I didn't know. Well, I have sniper training, and I have a Viper that I prefer to use at long range. It's accurate and has a decent clip size, especially if you use your shots efficiently."

Marc nodded. "That's a good weapon, though I wasn't involved in its dev at all. Rosenkov makes it, right?"

"Mm hmm. For short range, I have a Locust SMG that I like."

"No! You use the Locust?" Marc exclaimed as the waitress arrived with the beer and salads. "I was on Kassa's concept team for that gun!"

"Really?" Shepard asked, taking a bite of her salad. "I love it, only I think there's something off with the heat sink on mine. No matter what I do, it overheats like crazy."

"Well, it wasn't originally designed to utilize thermal clips. The mod is fairly simple, but if the person doesn't know what they're doing…"

Louise shot Joker a disapproving look, as if it were his fault that Shepard and his father were having this conversation. He remembered her earlier comment about Shepard being violent, and felt himself immediately growing defensive. But he was still entirely unprepared when she said to him, "You'll never guess who I ran into at the store today."

"Who?"

"Shari."

Joker choked on his lettuce, which drew concerned looks from his father and Shepard, but he waved them off and took a slug of his beer. The coughing gradually subsided. Meanwhile, Louise munched innocently on her salad.

Once he could speak again, Joker merely said, "Huh. That's quite a coincidence, don't you think?"

"How so?"

"Do you see Shari often?"

"Not really," Louise admitted.

"So, you just happened to run into her while I'm home visiting, is that it?"

"Really, Jeffrey, I don't know what you're implying. The clinic where she works is in the same plaza as the grocery store. She was on her lunch break. There's no nefarious plot afoot."

"Okay."

They ate silently for a few beats while Shepard and Marc continued their animated discussion on the other side of the table.

"She asked about you," Louise informed him.

"That's nice."

"You should give her a call while you're here. I think she'd like to see you."

Joker shook his head in disbelief. "Really, Mom? You think she'd enjoy spending time with me and my fiancée?" he asked, putting special emphasis on the last word.

His mother ignored his implication. "I always felt bad that things ended the way that they did between the two of you."

Joker was saved from having to respond to this by the arrival of the pizza. They all dug in, and their individual conversations were dropped in favor of some inclusive small talk. Joker's parents were fascinated by anecdotes about the alien members of the Normandy, and in turn, they shared amusing tales about the grand kids – especially the older one, who was apparently a handful. "Just like you were when you were growing up," Louise pointed out.

They were just finishing their meal when the sounds of a band tuning up began leaking through from the adjoining bar. Louise frowned at the cacophony, but Shepard's face lit up.

"I haven't seen a band in so long! Do you want to stay for a bit and check them out?"

"Fine by me," Marc immediately responded. He took out his wallet and placed his credit chit on the table.

"I'll see if I can find us a table," Shepard said, obviously excited as she started for the archway that connected the bar to the restaurant. With a quick glance at Louise, who looked none too pleased, Joker followed.

Joker reached the entrance and glanced around in time to see Shepard settling at a small, round table at the edge of a cramped dance floor. She waved him over with a grin.

Joker's parents arrived just as the band introduced themselves and broke into an upbeat number. The crowd seemed to recognize the tune and the dance floor grew crowded very quickly. Joker didn't know the song, but that didn't mean anything. The band was tight and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

A waitress came and took their drink orders. The band played another fast song, and then, after a short pause, started a ballad. Couples flooded the floor, and Shepard said to Joker, "Let's dance."

"He can't dance, dear," Louise interjected.

Shepard shot her a dismissive look and then stood, extending her hand to him. "C'mon."

"No, thanks."

A look of hurt and confusion passed over Shepard's face. Joker felt a surge of guilt, but he remained steadfast in his refusal. The way they usually 'danced' was not something he felt comfortable doing in front of his parents, and trying to dance like a normal person would just be embarrassing for him.

Marc came to his rescue. "Would you grant me the courtesy of this dance, young lady?" he asked Shepard, standing and taking her outstretched hand. With one last injured look at Joker, she nodded and followed him onto the dance floor.

The song ended, and Shepard and Marc were headed back to the table when a young man approached Shepard. He was tall, muscular and very good looking. Everything from his buzz cut to his spit-shined shoes screamed military. He said something to Shepard and she demurred, shaking her head. He cocked his head and gave her an imploring look, and with a quick glance toward their table, Shepard acquiesced. They backtracked to the dance floor while Marc came and retook his seat, giving Joker a rueful look.

The soldier was completely respectful, keeping his hands firmly on Shepard's waist as they danced. The table of jarheads he'd been sitting with took pictures surreptitiously, no doubt eager to share images of their buddy dancing with Commander Shepard on the extranet. The marine leaned in and said something, and Shepard threw back her head and laughed. Jealousy twisted in Joker's gut.

When the song ended, Shepard's dance partner snapped off a salute. Brushing it off, she extended her hand. Apparently emboldened, he pointed toward his pals. She nodded and followed him to their table. They all jumped up excitedly, greeting her deferentially. One of them enlisted the help of a patron at a nearby table, and they took a group photo with a smiling Shepard in the middle. After another round of acknowledgments, she extricated herself and returned to the table.

Shepard sat down and took a sip of her drink. Joker leaned over and said, "I want to go."

Shepard leveled him with a stare full of anger and disappointment. "Fine."

"Do you want to say goodbye to your friend first?" Joker asked, sarcasm dripping from the words.

"Bite me," Shepard snapped back, standing and draining her glass before stalking from the room, leaving the rest of them to follow in her wake.

The ride home was strained and silent, but luckily, it was also short. When they entered the foyer of the house, Shepard turned to Marc. "Thank you for dinner and the dance."

"My pleasure, Sam."

Without a glance at Joker or Louise, Shepard stomped up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. With a look that Joker assumed was supposed to be sympathetic, but actually came off as rather smug, his mother said good night and followed Shepard upstairs.

Joker shot his father a helpless look.

"All she wanted was a dance," Marc said, not unkindly, giving his son's shoulder a gentle pat. Then he went upstairs, as well, leaving Joker standing alone in the empty room.