"I know we're good together
If everyone knows and everyone can see
What you do to me
I don't want to lose you now
I promise I'll make it better"
I Don't Want to Lose You Now – Gin Blossoms
Joker woke the next morning to a kick in the gut as the dog launched himself off the couch where he'd been sleeping next to him. He winced as he tried to turn his head and was hampered by the crick in his neck. Joker heard kibble hit the dog's bowl, and the sound of his parents stage-whispering in the kitchen – primarily about their plans for the day and why their youngest child was asleep in the living room. His mother speculated that Shepard was to blame. His father remained ambivalent.
Joker feigned sleep until he heard them leave the house. He was sitting up, trying to gather his wits about him, when he heard the bedroom door open upstairs. Apparently, Shepard had been utilizing the same strategy – waiting for the silence to alert her that it was safe to emerge. She was about halfway down the stairs when she spotted him.
"Oh. Hey."
Her expression and tone were neutral. She was dressed in a tank and a pair of his boxers, hair up in a messy top knot, and despite her disheveled state, Joker felt a sudden rush of desire. All this fighting was putting a serious crimp in their sex life. He was gratified to see her gaze drop to his bare chest and he allowed himself a smirk as he imagined that maybe she was thinking the same thing. Shepard seemed to intuit his musings, because when she met his eyes again and saw the grin, her eyes narrowed.
"I think there's coffee in the kitchen," Joker supplied, helpfully.
"Thanks," Shepard said grudgingly as she passed through the living room and into the kitchen. Joker heard her moving around, opening cupboards and drawers. Eventually, there was a scrape of chair on floor, and the commotion quieted. He ventured tentatively into the kitchen after her.
Shepard was seated at the table with a mug of steaming coffee and a bowl of fruit in front of her. She was eating the fruit with her fingers. The dog was seated on the floor next to her, watching intently. Joker poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed a fork out of the drawer, sliding it to her as he joined her at the table.
"What's this?" Shepard asked, not picking up the utensil.
"I thought you might want it."
"I'm good," Shepard responded, sliding it back.
Joker gave her a curious look. "Your hands are getting all sticky," he observed as juice ran down her wrist. He set the fork down next to her. "Just take it."
"I said, I don't want it." Shepard tossed it back in his direction, where, either intentionally or inadvertently, it bounced off the table top, stabbed him in the chest and clattered to the floor.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Joker asked, irritated now.
"What's wrong with me? You want to know what's wrong with me?" Shepard's voice rose during this question until it was at a frequency that Joker was sure all the dogs in the neighborhood could hear. Charlie confirmed this suspicion by whining and running from the room.
"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe my problem is that before we got here, I was actually under the mistaken impression that there were things that you liked about me. But now I find out that I'm too loud during sex, you're embarrassed to dance with me, and I can't even eat a damn bowl of fruit correctly! So, I think the better question is, what the hell is wrong with you?" Shepard pushed away from the table and stomped back into the living room.
Joker followed. "You're being ridiculous."
Shepard spun on her heel. "Oh, really? I'm ridiculous, too? Well, why don't you just add it to the damn list!"
"So, your idea of conflict resolution is to throw a fork at me? Real mature."
"Fuck you."
Joker suddenly became aware of the front door opening. "Hello?" a tentative voice called. Charlie reappeared from the back of the house, yapping frantically.
Joker recognized the voice immediately. "Jules!"
"Little brother!" With a delighted cry, his sister ran past Shepard and gathered Joker into a warm embrace. It was hampered a bit by the fact that she held a small child in one arm, but it still felt fantastic.
Jules held Joker tightly until the baby started to fuss, and then reluctantly released him. The dog sniffed her leg, tail wagging happily. She leaned over and gave him a scratch, and his tongue lolled gratefully.
She looked Joker over with a critical eye. "You look good, bro. You shaved the beard. I like it."
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure if it's going to be permanent or not." Joker glanced over at Shepard, who was standing near the bottom of the stairs, a few feet from his older nephew. They were eyeing each other warily. "Jules, I want you to meet Commander Sam Shepard. Shep, this is my sister, Julia."
"It's such an honor to meet you," Jules said to Shepard. "I've heard so many good things about you."
"Really? From whom? It couldn't have been from your brother. As it turns out, he doesn't really care for me much."
"Shepard," Joker said, rolling his eyes.
"I see you haven't lost your way with the ladies," Jules said sotte voce, eyeing Joker in amusement. Then, in a more normal tone, she said, "You remember Tyler, right? And this little guy is Logan. Guys, this is your Uncle Jeff."
The baby observed him solemnly while Tyler ventured across the room to wrap himself around his mother's leg. Charlie whined unhappily at being displaced as the boy peered out at Joker shyly.
"Hey, Tyler. I bet you don't remember me. I haven't seen you since you were a baby. You sure have grown a bunch."
His nephew ducked his face away. Jules said apologetically, "It takes him a little while to warm to people he doesn't know."
To Joker's surprise, Shepard crossed the room and knelt next to Tyler. "Hey, Tyler, do you like spaceships?"
The boy hesitated, but then nodded slowly.
"You flew here on a spaceship, right?"
Tyler nodded again, a little more confidently this time.
"Well, your Uncle Jeff is a pilot. Do you know what that means?"
He shook his head.
"It means he flies spaceships. That's pretty cool, huh?"
Tyler turned wide eyes on Joker. He felt like he had just gained some street cred with the pre-school set.
"In fact, I have a model of the ship that he flies. It's called the Normandy. Do you want to see what it looks like?"
The boy nodded enthusiastically and took a step towards Shepard, extending his hand. "Is it okay?" Shepard asked Jules.
"God, yes! Be my guest!"
Shepard took Tyler's hand and they started the slow trek up the stairs. Each step was a Herculean effort for his little legs, but Shepard waited patiently for him to climb them one at a time. The dog raced up the stairs ahead of them. When they were out of earshot, Jules turned back to Joker.
"That was amazing. I feel like that kid's been attached to my leg since birth. She's great."
"Yeah."
"So, why are you pissing her off? When I got here, I thought it was Mom and Dad in here doing all that yelling."
Joker sighed and gestured to the couch. They sat. "I don't know. Ever since we got here, things have been all fucked up."
"Ah. Mom's up to her old tricks, huh?"
"Of course. And to make it worse, she's fake nicey-nice to Shepard's face, all the while whispering insidious things in my ear about her. So, we're constantly fighting, and Shepard thinks it's all my fault!"
"Oh, yeah," his sister nodded sagely. "She did the same thing to me. Can you believe that Brian actually thought Mom liked him in the beginning?" Jules snickered at her husband's naiveté.
"Wait. I thought Mom did like Brian."
"Uh uhn. She had a whole laundry list of things that were wrong with him before we got married. But once he gave her grand kids, well…she's changed her attitude to tolerant, at least. I don't suppose Shepard would be willing to pop out a kid or two right quick?"
"Not likely."
"Too bad. Look, little brother, I know you hate confrontation, but sooner or later, you're going to have to stand up to her." Jules shifted Logan from one leg to the other.
"What are you talking about?"
"Jeff. Come on. I know you saw joining the Alliance as your big rebellious gesture, but really, you were just running away." Jules held up her hand before he could protest. "Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be more proud of you, and I brag about you all the time to my friends. But rather than deal with Mom and her control issues, you left. And so, things remain the same."
Joker sighed. "I know. You're right. But she's just being protective. She can't help it."
Jules snorted. "She treats you like a child."
"So, what am I supposed to do about it?"
"Damned if I know. But what I do know is that I have several years of messages from my cynical, hard-hearted brother going on and on about the wonderful Commander Shepard. And now, you guys are together, and for whatever reason, she seems willing to put up with you. If you blow that, you're an idiot."
"Thanks, sis."
"Anytime."
"Where's Brian, by the way?"
"Oh, he went to check into the hotel. We were originally planning to be here yesterday, and he wanted to make sure they didn't give our room away."
They were interrupted by the sound of Shepard and Tyler making their way back down the stairs. She had taken the opportunity to pull on some jeans and brush her hair. When they reached the bottom, the child ran to his mother with the model clutched in his tiny hand.
"Look, Mom! It's Uncle Jeff's ship!"
"Wow! That's pretty cool, huh?"
Tyler wiggled his way onto the couch between Jules and Joker. Logan tried to snatch the toy from his hand, but Tyler deftly moved it out of his brother's reach before holding it out for Joker's inspection. It was a model of the original Normandy, which made Joker feel sentimental and nostalgic.
"Where do you sit, Uncle Jeff?" Tyler asked, eagerly.
"Well, the pilot sits in the cockpit. It's up front," Joker pointed on the model, "so I can see where we're going. Otherwise, there could be trouble." Tyler giggled. "On this ship, the engine is over here. These are the thrusters. And the guns are here."
"It's a fighting ship?" his nephew asked with awe.
"It sure is. One of the best. And then, over here is where we sleep and eat."
"You live on the ship?"
"Yep. And not just me. I'm the pilot, but Sam here is the boss of this whole ship and everyone on it – including me."
Tyler's eyes looked ready to bug out of his head. "You're the boss of the whole ship?" he asked Shepard. She nodded, looking amused by Joker's obvious attempt to suck up.
"She's the commander," Joker told him. "Commander Shepard."
"Wow," the child breathed. He paused for a moment, appearing to mull this over. "Auntie Sam, will you play starship with me?" Tyler hopped off of the couch, obviously having deduced that commander was way cooler than pilot.
"Sure," Shepard said as they found a spot on the floor on the other side of the living room. Not wanting to be left out, Logan squirmed until his mother placed him on the floor. He wobbled over to where his brother and Shepard were playing and plopped down gracelessly onto his diapered butt.
"I hope she doesn't mind the 'Auntie' thing," Jules said quietly to Joker. "He must have presumed that if you're uncle, she's auntie. They have lots of those on Brian's side."
"I don't think so," Joker replied, watching Shepard playing with the boys. "Besides, she's going to be Auntie Sam soon – assuming she hasn't changed her mind."
It took Jules a moment to process this, and then she squealed with delight and started hugging him again. This drew glances from the assemblage on the floor, but the ruckus was quickly dismissed as being less important than their game.
"You're getting married? My little brother is finally getting married?"
"What's with the 'finally'? I just turned thirty, you know."
"I never thought this day would come."
"Yeah, yeah."
"No wonder Mom's freaking out."
"Oh, and I forgot to tell you – you'll never guess who she brought up last night?" Joker said, glancing over to make sure Shepard wasn't listening.
"Who?"
"Shari."
His sister scowled. "That bitch?"
"Jules."
"What?"
"She wasn't that bad."
"Yes, she was."
"Anyway," Joker said, trying to get back on topic. "Mom said she 'ran into her' at the store and wanted me to call her."
"Oh my god. Seriously? But she never liked her."
"I know."
"She knew Shari was a bossy shrew, and she didn't want the competition. Damn," Jules pondered for a moment. "She must really hate Sam."
"This is what I'm saying."
"What does Dad think?"
"Are you kidding? Dad adores her. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. At this rate, she's going to run off with him and leave me stuck with Mom."
Jules laughed. "Yikes. Scary thought."
"You're telling me."
There was a screech from the play group, and then Logan toddled back towards his mother, tears streaking his face.
"Tyler, let your brother have a turn!" Jules admonished automatically. The older child ignored this and continued playing as she picked up the crying baby.
"Sorry," Shepard said. "I'm not sure what the rules are supposed to be."
"It's not your fault. Sharing is something we're still working on. You're great with them, by the way. Are you guys planning on having some of your own?"
An awkward silence greeted this as Joker and Shepard exchanged a glance. They hadn't ever discussed this particular topic.
Sensing their hesitation, Jules said, "Someday, I mean? Not right now, of course."
"Maybe," Joker said, and Jules had enough sense to let it drop.
Joker and Jules chatted for a while longer until Logan started fussing more insistently. "We should probably head over to the hotel and check on Daddy. Someone needs a nap."
"Mommy?" Joker suggested.
"Her, too," Jules agreed. She stood, hoisting the baby in her arms. "Tell Mom and Dad we're here, and we'll see you tonight, okay? C'mon, Tyler, we're gonna go see Daddy."
The boy stood and reluctantly handed the model starship back to Shepard, who was still sitting on the floor next to him. "Oh, no, you can have that, kiddo. It's yours," she said.
"What do you say, Tyler?" Jules prompted.
"Thank you, Auntie Sam," Tyler said shyly, wrapping his arms around her neck. She looked both surprised and touched by the gesture as she awkwardly hugged him back.
"You're welcome."
"Say goodbye to Uncle Jeff."
"'Bye, Uncle Jeff," his nephew said dutifully, running over and giving him a cursory squeeze. Then he ran for the door, flying his spaceship as he went.
"Well, I guess I know where I rate," Joker said to Jules, rising to see them off.
"Yeah, join the club," Jules said, giving him a more thorough embrace. "See you later, Sam."
"Nice to meet you."
"You, too." Jules grabbed her bag and herded the kids out the door.
Once it closed, Joker and Shepard stood looking at each other awkwardly for a few beats. He noticed for the first time that her eyes were red-rimmed and had dark circles under them. Perhaps she hadn't slept any better than he had last night. He didn't know if that made him feel better or worse. Suddenly, their earlier argument seemed even more pointless. Had they really been fighting over a fork? He didn't care whose fault it was – he was tired of fighting. He would apologize; suck it up; take one for the team.
But before Joker had a chance to say anything, Shepard said, "I need to check my messages."
"Oh. Yeah. Okay."
With one last glance in his direction, Shepard went back up the stairs. Joker heard the bedroom door snick shut softly as he sat back down on the couch. Charlie jumped up next to him and licked his hand. He patted the dog absently as the silence echoed around him.
Later that evening, they were in Joker's room, getting ready for the party. An uneasy truce had settled and Joker was grateful for the reprieve. Shepard was wearing the black dress with the halter top. It wasn't as fancy as the dress she'd worn to his other birthday party, but it was the dress she'd been wearing the first night they'd had sex, so he had a special fondness for it and the memories it evoked. He wore his suit with a shirt he'd borrowed from his dad, since Shepard had destroyed the one they'd purchased on Illium…more fond memories.
Joker's mind was wandering down this trail of happy remembrances when Shepard spoke. "I think we need to talk about what your sister said before…about us having kids." She was putting on her makeup, looking in the mirror with her back to him.
Joker pulled himself out of his reverie and tried to focus on his tie. "At this rate, I thought it might be a moot point. I wasn't sure you were ever gonna have sex with me again."
Shepard eyed his reflection. "Neither was I."
Joker snorted. At least they were joking about being mad. That was something. "Don't worry about it. Jules was just being nosy. It's not a big deal."
"There's something I need to tell you." Shepard paused as she applied lipstick. "When Cerberus put me back together, they weren't really all that concerned with my reproductive organs. Miranda assured me that everything's there, but I've had some issues since I've come back. If we decided to conceive, it might take a while, or it might not happen at all. I don't know for sure, which is why we've been taking precautions, but I thought you should know."
Joker digested this for a moment, and then he simply said, "Okay."
Shepard turned around to face him. "That's it? 'Okay?'"
"Yeah. What did you expect me to say? 'Forget it, then, the engagement's off?'"
"Well, no, but…"
"Look, Shepard, you don't know anything for sure, so it's pointless to worry about it now. If we get to the point in our lives where the biggest thing we have to worry about is whether or not we can start a family, I will be goddamn thrilled. And if we can't, then it'll just be the two of us. Or we can do fertility treatments. Or we adopt. There are plenty of kids out there growing up the way you did who need a good home."
"I'm not even sure I want to be a mom," Shepard said, clearly gauging his reaction. "I'm not sure I'd know how, having never had one myself."
"I think today proved that you have potential. But if you decide that you don't, I think I could live with that, too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You're the one I want. The rest is just icing on the cake."
Shepard approached and took over straightening his tie. When she was satisfied, she looked Joker in the eye. "That went a long way towards earning you some goodwill. You know that, don't you?"
"I need all the help I can get."
"Yes, you do." Shepard kissed him. "But I still love you."
"Good to hear. And despite your many flaws - which have only just recently come to light - I love you, too." As she pushed him away, flipping him the bird, Joker said, "I'm kidding! I'm totally kidding! C'mon, Shep, it was a joke!"