I don't own Naruto
Injury is a fact of life for shinobi. You come to accept that breaks, sprains, lacerations and all manner of trauma will be inflicted upon you. Live long enough and you'll likely have at least one occurrence of every type of injury. Living through this is as much being a shinobi as any jutsu for shinobi are people who endure. Why, though, did it have to be the ribs? Tsunade could have given him a concussion or even cracked a kneecap. No, she had to break his kami forsaken ribs. Struggling to get to a bed, Jiraiya realizes his focus on the mind numbing pain he's currently experience may seem a little galling given the discussion he just had with his best friend/teammate and Godson but he can't find it in himself to care. Broke ribs make egoists of us all, a wise man has likely said. Finally making it to the bed Jiraiya tries to find the least uncomfortable position he can and starts to breathe slowly. Closing his eyes, Jiraiya starts to feel the nature chakra all around him. After several minutes he enters Sage Mode and with pain now dulled he starts to digest what just happened.
"Jiraiya, you didn't!"
"It's not what you think, we were only trying to protect Naruto and the village. We couldn't risk the Kyuubi influencing him."
"You didn't have that concern during the Chunin finals, it was perfectly safe for me to access it then."
"Because I was there to watch you. I couldn't stay with you when you were young and had no training so sensei thought it be…"
"Sensei, sensei, sensei. Always fucking sensei with you. You're a grown man, one that hopes to change the shinobi world but you can't fucking stand up to your sensei?"
"Listen Tsunade, I argued him down from the loyalty seal to just a memory containment seal."
"Just a memory containment seal? Ok" Tsunade crosses the room and fires a left hook at Jiraiya before he can act. "I just broke several of your ribs."
Jiraiya hits the ground like a stone, struggling to get a decent breathe in. It's not her reaction that shocks Jiraiya, although she's clearly been keeping her skills polished, but what's missing from it. Tsunade's anger has always been like a hurricane, no subtlety. You know when she's mad and it's never been particularly hard to get her to that state but this is different. She's calm, too calm. 'She's either keeping a lid on it because she's beyond pissed and I may actually be in danger or she's trying to keep calm for Naruto. God, I hope it's the latter' Jiraiya surmises.
"Fine, poor choice of words. The kyuubi is wholly unknown. The only people who can really interact with it are the containers, sensei just wanted some security measures in place to make sure they weren't negatively affected.
He only considered the loyalty seal for Naruto due to the differences in the access to the kyuubi, since Naruto was always meant to eventually access the kyuubi's chakra."
"Or Sensei knew how Naruto was treated and decided it was easier to make a small child deal with it than get his village in check. Did Minato know you did this to Kushina?"
"No, he never knew and given the location of the seal it wouldn't be easily seen. We thought we were giving you the means to fight the kyuubi, to make sure you were always in control. Naruto, concerning you we've made so many mistakes but I need you to know I never wanted you to be a weapon. Sensei didn't either but we had hoped you could be the village's guardian. It's protector."
"You and the old man… always with your fucking word games. What's the difference between guardian or weapon if I have no choice in the matter? You both were trying to control something you didn't understand and violated me to do it."
"Naruto, can you find Shizune and go to the bar we first met? I'll be there shortly." Without responding Naruto leaves.
"I don't think I can make this up to him… I've lost my last connection to Minato haven't I?"
"I have no idea. I don't know if he can forgive you nor do I know if he should. Jiraiya, I understand why you did it Sensei was always larger than life to us and you always had to work harder to gain his approval but was this worth it? Look, I'll see what I can do as far as the kid and I'll have Shizune heal you when we get back. We still need to plan what we'll do with our wayward teammate."
"Don't bother. You said the meet was in three days? I initially wanted to face him personally but we need to get back to the village and Naruto isn't in the right headspace for direct combat. I'll make arrangements and on the day of the meet we'll just leave."
"Fine. I'll see you later Jiraiya"
Once he had fully thought about the conversation Jiraiya is left with two questions, how did he allow himself to do these things and how can he make it up to Naruto? Neither answer came to him that Night nor did any sleep.
Jiraiya wasn't the only being kept up by the day's events as Naruto was also finding sleep allusive. Attempting to clear his mind Naruto attempts to meditate and finds himself in his mindscape.
"You're thinking too loud and I can't get any sleep."
"Uh, sorry, Kurama just a lot on my mind."
"I'm aware. You want to talk about it? Not that I care but I really want to get some sleep."
"Heh, if you wouldn't mind. I'd normally go to Shino with this kind of thing but a hundreds year old chakra beast is just as good."
"Thanks? Anyway, organize your thoughts and we'll tackle the ones you're struggling with the most first."
"Honestly, it's what Tsunade said. I can't discount what she said but I don't know if I have that in me, at least right now."
"That's understandable. Talking the full measure of a person, acknowledging the good and the bad before you make a decision about them isn't something many of your kind try to do so even an attempting is noteworthy. Don't expect to master it in a night."
"You're right and she is too but that leads me to my Godfather."
"What about him?"
"I believe he isn't a villain. He's a fuck up, for sure, but I believe Tsunade when she says he likely wasn't operating out of malice. I've never sensed that from him so fine. He did these things to me with the best of intentions? Does that matter? Does the fact that he was following orders mean he wasn't truly responsible? I don't know. I just don't know and it's maddening because three hours ago I was so clear about it. I hated him, he was just another name in the list of assholes that hurt me for no reason but now? I don't know."
"Maybe not knowing is ok? A great deal of harm comes from people making decisions because they couldn't accept the unknown. Apparently your Hokage is extremely uncomfortable with it."
"Yea, apparently. So how would you go about accepting not knowing, not being sure? It feels indecisive."
"But it isn't being indecisive. Whatever you choose to feel about Jiraiya or anyone else is ultimately up to you but you don't have to form an opinion on forgiving him immediately. And don't make an example out of Jiraiya to prove something to yourself."
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
"Simply don't force yourself to do something contrary to who you really are. I have access to your internal monologue, remember? Not much you can hide from me."
"So, I should just be the fool?"
"Forgiveness is neither inherently virtuous nor foolish, it depends on the context. Refusing to forgive and not being able to are entirely different. I'm only suggestion you recognize that fact and don't try to carry resentments you don't actually hold. Hate is as hard for you to hold onto as it is for me to get rid of. You had a perfect opportunity to express your hatred toward the villagers but you saved many. Even though you were scared, you still helped where you could."
"It just felt right. Despite most of those villagers treating me like I didn't exist I just can't watch people die and not act. It's just…"
"Your empathy is admirable, Naruto. Instead of wishing you didn't have it, learn to temper it with your experiences. Not everyone can be saved nor should everyone be condemned."
"Easier said than done."
"Yes, but once you figure it out it'll only enhance the legend further."
"Hahaha. Ok, I think my hour's about up. Anything else, doc?"
"Just two things, and you may not like either. Understand that I don't care before you react. The first is about you using my chakra."
"Ok, what about it?"
"I want you to stop. The power you pull from me now is corrupted and you'll never control it the way you access it now. Also, the people after you are all S-class shinobi and none of them have a bijuu to fall back on. If you're going to be my container then rely on yourself. Break every limit you have and break them again until you can stand tall against all that oppose you. Once you can do that, you'll fight me for control. Win and you'll have true access to my chakra and we'll be true partners as long as you don't make me a crutch. Fair?"
"I have no problem with that."
"Good. The second thing is, I think it'll soon be time for you to meet your parents."
"Wha?"
3 DAYS LATER
Looking toward the sky, Jiraiya laments the silence he is enduring with the once hyperactive ninja, a silence not being helped by the addition of Tsunade and Shizune. Over the last three days Jiraiya has had a lot of time to think about his choices in regards to Naruto and his relationship with his sensei in general. He couldn't help be come to the conclusion that Tsunade was right. For too long he let the dynamic established between the elder Sarutobi and himself when he was a child to dictate how he interacted as an adult. An adult that has loved, lost and seen two wars. The pain of these conclusions is that they are essentially meaningless. Sarutobi is retiring, Jiraiya asserting himself now is entirely hollow and this Naruto would be able to realize that, making promises to do better in the future utterly meaningless. However, never being able to have a relationship with his godson isn't something he can accept to himself. The irony of having being absent, seeming disinterest in his training and every other thing he's done to or allowed to happen to Naruto is something he is keenly aware of. Finally, be sees the sign and hopes travel will pull him out of this current loop.
"Guys, that's the signal, we can head out." And with that, the group heads back to Konoha, all wary of the confrontations that await.
5 Minutes Earlier
In the clearing where Tsunade was to meet Orochimaru we find two figures standing over two corpses. One covered in black flames, the other having his head thoroughly smashed. One figure looks over the scene, seeming introspective and remarks to his partner,
"That was kinda cold don't you think?"
"Hn?"
"You know I hate it when you do that Itachi. Use your words. That's how people communicate and you're a people."
"Fine, Kisame, what in the act of ruthlessly murdering these two do you find to be especially repugnant?"
"You didn't let him get any final words."
"Well, I am a shinobi. Some may say a pretty good one."
"Ok and I get that but when you went "rogue" you kinda agreed to some norms that we missing nin follow. Some like Orochimaru deserved some last words, it's simple etiquette."
"You cannot be serious."
"I'm entirely serious. Look, Itachi, there are certain things that come with this lifestyle and the guys notice when you choose to not fit in."
"This better not be about that fucking artshow. Kisame, I swear to Kami I'm not having this argument again. It's not art! He blows shit up, what is there to see?"
"You could have shown up to be supportive, be part of the team. You know, most of those guys aren't half bad and you'd know that if you wouldn't close yourself off. It wouldn't hurt to try is all I'm saying."
"Fine, I'll try, ok? Sensitive ass criminals, why don't you all just do a hug circle and be done with it."
"We do it every time we're all in one place, you'd know that if you'd participate."
"You can't be…. I need to signal Jiraiya and then see if I can somehow make myself forget this conversation."
"You're so cold, Itachi-kun"
ONE WEEK LATER
One would find the sight fascinating if it weren't so depressing. For the entire trip Naruto was full of energy, making conversation with Tsunade and Shizune. He reveled in having travel companions that actually valued his company, what a novel concept? However, as the gates of the village came into view the change was drastic. Naruto became quite, his body looked as if every step was increasingly weighed down. It appeared as if proximity to the village caused him actual pain. The three adults all frowned at the change in body language. Trying to be encouraging Tsunade places her hand on Naruto's shoulder and gives him a smile. He smiles back, it's small but sincere. He may not have many people that support him and a part of him wonders for how long he'll be able to have Tsunade's and Shizune's but he's decided he will appreciate and enjoy it for as long as he does.
The two guards ask the group to check in, Naruto thinks. They actually sound miles away. His eyes are focused on his final destination. The old monkey and the Cyclops await and the only question on his mind is how bad he'll burn the bridges between them. Closer and Closer the building gets. This building at one time offered solace as he knew a supportive person was waiting behind its walls. But as time moved on, it became a representation of the false life he was forced to live. Even his Jiji lied to him, how can he trust anyone if he couldn't trust his Grandfather? How can he really trust Tsunade? He immediately dismisses the thought, although wondering if his mistrust in the position of Hokage is a final attempt to give the man he once adored an excuse, an out for his actions and inactions, protecting himself from getting too close to these new people or possibly both. A part of him knows it's too late. He's felt Tsunade a kindred spirit since that discussion at the bar. Not for the first time he wishes he were better at keeping people at arm's length. Some may say that his "act" was just such a method but Naruto knows better. When everyone else lies to you you cannot afford to lie to yourself. Yes, he presented a heightened version of himself but the rejection from his peers or the village in general still hurt. It still does and he hates that they have that power. He hates that he cares… at least he wishes he didn't. But caring is what allowed him to connect to Haku, who helped Naruto develop his nindo. It's what allowed him to talk Gaara out of attacking the village and gaining a new friend. Before he knows it, all four are in Sarutobi's office, along with Kakashi. 'Fuck, guess we're doing this now then' he thinks as he waits for the discussion to unfold.
"Tsunade-chan, it's so good to see you. I'm glad you agreed to return. I'm glad I got to see you back in the village before my time was up." stated the elderly Hokage.
"Hai." Tsunade replied.
"Ok, I know you've been traveling but we have some things to resolve so I thought it best we do it now before there are any misunderstandings. First, did you run into any trouble during the retrieval?"
"Orochimaru tried to recruit Tsunade. He's now dead, though, so there's that."
"You managed to kill him?"
"No, I had my top men on it."
"Who?"
"Top. Men."
"...ok. So other than that, anything to report?"
To this, Sarutobi is met with silence. And more silence. Not one for awkward silences Naruto speaks up.
"Yes, I know who my parents are. I know you slapped a seal on me and had that Yamanaka bastard mess with my memories. I know Kakashi tried to get the teme to break me psychologically and I know you're one hateful, fearful old man."
Startled to say the least, Sarutobi doesn't know how to respond so he tries to deflect, "How do you know these things?"
"At least you aren't denying it, so there's that. Oh, I also know you did the same thing to Kushina, my mother, and Minato never knew. I would wonder what he'd do but he orphaned his kid on the day of his birth so I'm leaning towards he'd be fine with it. Village first and all that."
"Naruto, you need to understand that a shinobi is to have complete loyalty to the village. I could never be sure of that with that thing sealed inside of you. I just never wanted you to fall under its sway."
"Or you didn't want your scapegoat to have the ability to fight back, to be dependent upon you for protection and strength until you decided otherwise." replied a visibly annoyed Tsunade.
"It would certainly explained why you ordered me to not train Naruto except for the bare minimum."
"Sensei, you didn't?"
"Jiraiya it's not what you think. I couldn't let Naruto increase his abilities without knowing, for certain, that he was loyal to the village above all."
"The village or you? Damnit, they were right. You wanted him to be your weapon, something no better than a slave. And I helped you do it. I put his life at risk because I trusted you, believed you'd never harm Minato's son."
"What would you have me do? He's a threat. Why do you all refuse to see it? I see it. Behind those fake smiles and empty boasts, I saw the internal calculations behind his eyes. Cataloguing every wrong done to him. How can I have someone that hates the village be put in a position to harm it? I can't make that mistake again."
"He's not Orochimaru, damnit! You've tortured him and stunted his development because you can't let go of your mistakes. If you were so incapable of letting go of your previous failures, why take the position back for 13 years?"
"That's rich, Tsunade. And who was I to give the position to? You were gone, we needed Jiraiya in the field and no one else short of Danzo had the qualifications. So, it was up to me to keep the village safe. Maybe some of my methods were extreme but no matter how you all feel about it, the suffering of one little boy is not more important that the village."
"You aren't even sorry. You let my life be hell and you aren't even sorry about it. You're so concerned with other people being like Orochimaru you never considered that he was just a lot like you."
"Watch your mouth, Naruto."
"Or what? You'll place more seals on me until I behave? Beat me into submission?"
"Is that really how you see me? Am I just a villain to you, Naruto?"
In the background a poorly stifled chuckle is heard. The room turns in collective shock to see Shizune laughing, derisively at the Hokage's question.
"Is something funny Shizune."
"Hai, Hokage-sama. Naruto once said he gets punished for being self-aware and it's just amazing to see it in action. You emotionally tortured the heir of an Hokage because of you couldn't handle your own failures nor bother to control your village. It was easier to let them hate him. It was easier to punish his alleged lack of loyalty. You never questioned if he had reason to remain loyal, you never tried to give him a reason but you demand he make you feel better about doing very little to aid him. Naruto, you don't have to stay here for this, it'll just go in circles. Why not escort me home?"
"Ok, Shizune-san. Oh and Kakashi-sensei, are you free tomorrow?"
"I am. Meet me at our usual training ground at our usual time, I won't be late." And with that the two exit.
"How soon can I assume my duties?"
"You can start now if you want. Retirement sounds good."
"Fine. Do it, officially or unofficially."
"Why so eager?"
"Because my first declaration as Hokage is that you are to not to approach Genin Uzumaki Naruto nor have any dealings in his affairs unless he initiates it from this day forward. You've done enough, Sarutobi but your days of harming that boy are over."
"You can't do that. If you deny me all contact I'll never be able to make him understand why I did it. It was for the best, for him to discover his will of fire."
"How can you when you're the reason he doesn't have it? Just stay away from him, give him some peace while I try to undo the damage you've done. Naruto can be a fine shinobi one day if you don't continue to treat him like an enemy. And while we're at it, I'm going to request you stay away from all shinobi matters. I don't know what happened to you Sensei but I think you need some time away from all of this."
"So, you're turning your back on me, too? And what about you Jiraiya? You've always understood I was just doing what any Hokage should."
"No, not anymore. Following you, blindly, has cost me and I'm not sure I'll ever recover what I've lost. My belief in you has resulted in the last of my family not trusting me in the slightest."
Both sannin exit the office, leaving a once proud leader looking old and defeated. With an unshed tear he wonders, 'Why can't they see. It was all for the greater good.'
AN-Potential Spoilers
Hey guys, I just wanted to leave a quick author's note. In some of the reviews I see people wondering if this is going to be a dark or grey Naruto story and I just want to be clear that it is not. I don't want anyone disappointed because they were expecting one thing and got another and hopefully this doesn't deter you all from continuing to enjoy the story. I am aiming to write a conflicted Naruto, one who struggles with the qualities that made him heroic in canon because my version has actual self worth. So, this Naruto would always try to save Haku but wouldn't dream of making a lifelong mission out of saving Sasuke. He'd just kill him. So, this isn't going to be a "Konoha will burn!" fic. Hell, the antagonists won't even be outright villainous, meaning just evil because they are evil. Hopefully you can still rock with it but if not, I get it.