The names are not mine, the rest - is.

Confessions Meet Theory

The wait while she lay sleeping was horrific, caught between the twisted desire to devour her - she was dying anyway - to holding her, fingers ghosting along her face and whispering tales of a happy ever after. But Carlisle said she wasn't dying. He informed me of something far more terrible - imagine sucking the very life from someone, draining them - not unlike actually drinking from them - that's what I did. When I held onto her hand in class, I sucked the life from her, weakening her, causing her to pass out. How is that possible? From grasping that vision comes acceptance as I am all too aware of my thirst for her blood in this very moment, and of her scent surrounding me - senses unmatchable to any other, and the beats of her heart following the lines of her life. I see them, even now, they are alive and creating. So yes, it is all too possible.

Carlisle was short and dismissive, and I didn't appreciate it. He was the one who wanted me to make friends, who said we can integrate perfectly well here. Evidently not. Is he holding out hopes I will travel the road all too familiar? Take a wife, make a wife? Is that the only solace I have?

I agreed to drive Bella. In the same car as me, in the very seat next to me. But as I try to help her with her seatbelt, Jasper pushes me out of the way before I can touch her arm. Right, no touching.

"Thanks, brother. I owe you."

"Don't beat yourself up. It's not like we could've have prevented this. How could we know? Just get her home quickly, we'll be waiting..." From the time we got to the house with a sleeping Bella, to now as I'm leaving with her, Jasper's attempts to soothe me both with words and the unseeing, were for nothing. I didn't feel at ease at all, at any moment, as she was in pain...because of me.

This is the longest car ride of my life. And I don't sleep. She sits there deliberating her first move, guessing the answer, contemplating the outcome of this. She sits there worrying her fingernails into each other, pulling at the end of her skirt. I see the changes, the movements, the phases. Curious. Anxious. Displeased. Nervous. Upset. Enraged. She has questions. This will be interesting.

"Thank you for taking me to your dad...a doctor, huh? I don't usually pass out like that from...I mean, I don't actually think it was because of you, even if it did hurt like hell. I felt like crap all morning."

"It was me."

"No, really. I..." She looks embarrassed. She needn't be and I wish she knew how much I wanted to learn everything about her, stop the car and spend lifetime after lifetime finding out. "I got high last night...for the first time."

She thinks it was a side effect, some kind of hangover due to the marijuana. She's has no idea, brand new. I should probably agree with her notion, but I would rather not lie any more than I have to.

"I didn't drink or anything, we just ate junk food. And then we fell asleep on the floor in the bathroom, against the tub." She's muttering under her breath. Something about "God. Fucking God." What does he know? Why would he devise this between us?

I know why. Because I'm a demon and she is...magnificent.

"It wasn't dehydration, Bella."

"What?"

"You should stay away from me." I should stay away from her.

"Why?" Her face shows me hurt once more. Like a prison I'm confined to, with only the image of her face, sullen and sad, pained and fuming.

"I'm bad for you. Don't you see, look at you. You're a mess because of me."

"I passed out. It's not a big deal." Pouting a sulk, wet lips and big eyes. A prison inside this car."Please don't say that...don't pretend with me. I know you felt it today. I know you look at me, I know you watch me in the attic at school. I passed out. End of story."

"We can't be together, Bella." I hate this. I hate this with all of my being. It's excessive and dizzying. But I have to. I'm bad for her. Extremely. Bad. "What do you want? You want to go on dates? Have me hold your hand at the movies? We all know how that goes. I wouldn't be able to kiss you at the end of the night. I wouldn't be able to hold you. We can't do this. I can't do this. End of story."

"No. I refuse your end. I refuse your crappy excuses. Look. Look at my hand, Edward. And I'm still here. Do I think you did this on purpose? No. Do I think you'll be more careful? Yes. Do I know anything past right now? Not at all. And neither do you. Maybe I'm bad for you. Maybe you should stay away from me, huh? Yeah, I didn't think so."

She knows I see her. Painting boxes at school, pretty trinkets in rooms where she's not meant to go. Could I give her up? The prettiest images I've seen in years upon years. Yeah, I don't think so.

"You don't know what you're saying, Bella."

"Neither do you." She huffs, and crosses her arms. But she can't. It hurts too much. I did that. We can't do this. "You like me." She speaks it with such conviction. She knows it's fact. She knows we can't go back. It's not a question. And I do. Very much. But we can't do this.

"Why do you do that?" Because I'm a monster.

"What?" I snap at her. I have no right.

"You tell me you can't tell me things...except all the reasons why not. You like me, you said. But you're not good for me."

"I'm not good for you."

"What makes you so bad?"

"I crushed your hand." I would kill her. I'm sure of it. More and more, I know I would learn her moves, learn her sounds - a singer I cannot see. How can I love, when her blood pumps through her own, straight to me? Making love, not ever. She would be my hunt. My food. My game. And only that.

"By accident." She doesn't know, it makes no difference. Next time wouldn't be an accident.

"An accident this time. You're more delicate than you realise. I'm not."

"So you're saying if we do this, you'll break me?"

"Something to that effect. Yes."

"No. You won't. How dare you!" Affronted, she eyes me, like weapons, they could kill. Maybe I deserve it.

"I most certainly will."

"You'll break me. I have a choice, don't I?"

"You do. But I'm choosing my side. And my side says I'm not the one for you."

"So you don't want me?"

"Do you know how you sound? We don't know each other, Bella. You know nothing about me and I know...I don't know why you live on campus when your house is eight minutes from school, I'm unaware of your social needs and I've never seen you eat."

"I eat. I've never seen you eat."

"Exactly."

"What does that even mean?" I eat animals. I hunt them as if I am one of them. I drink blood. I have consumed human blood. I would gladly drink your blood. This moment, and I know there would be more moments, swiftly urges me to take you. Have you. Bite into your skin, flesh of just another animal. I could.

I don't answer her. I just drive until she points up the street, "That's me, the red door." I drop her at home, her family home, and I wonder about the people inside. Her caretakers. Her bedroom. Her bed.

"Thanks for the ride. And the bruised hand. And you know, the mess that is the inside of my head. Weirdly, I thought we could be friends at least."

I don't respond. Again. I walk her to the door. On the steps, I stay below her. I need to keep myself from reaching out. Fight myself from grabbing her and running. I do want the chance to know her, and see. How can we end this before it's even begun?

She pushes her dark hair behind her ear, a curl popping out from behind it, unwilling to be held back. I want to hold it in place, have my fingers upon her cheek. She licks her lips. He pale lips to meet her pale face. She looks down at me, waiting for me.

"I'm not good for you, Bella. I can't tell you why, just know that it's true, and that despite my pushing, you're not imagining this. Just know that if I could tell you everything, I would. Just know that I want to say hello to you every day, hold your hand as we walk to class, and find out why you make those little boxes. Why you go to games by yourself and if you've ever thought of me too. But I can't. I'm sorry you're hurt. I'm sorry I hurt you."

Her lips tremble, the rims of her eyes red and ready to weep.

"I might not be in class when you get back." I tell her.

The tears are full and heavy, rolling down her face. Her hand, a square bandage taped across the back of her palm, swipes them away as she turns to face away from me. And I'm phasing. Phasing from the life I've been living to the one I've been afraid of. If I killed, I'd be killing. If I slept, I'd be longing for the sweet suffocation of dreams, and if I were human, we could have this, and I wouldn't feel so mad.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

-o-

I left her crying on the doorstep to her family home. She would go in and all two-point-four of them, would worry and coddle her and she will be fine. When she arrives back at school, she might miss me for the first class or two. But she'll be fine. This never really began.

The house is quiet when I enter, the family sit in the great room, awaiting me and my explanation. Bella was out for only sixty minutes or so and that whole time, I avoided Carlisle, or rather, he avoided me. Esme made up the guest room in case Bella couldn't go home yet. Alice stood in the corner watching everything while Emmett went to get supplies, and Jasper was his usual, patient, supportive self.

Now, they all have different faces. Jasper's is apologetic. As if he's been fighting my cause. Alice, doused in melancholy, sits next to him, hands in her lap. She wears an ivory lace dress, contrasting with her raven hair. She is barefoot and gentle. I wish her, Jasper and I could leave. I wish I didn't have to face this. but I do need answers.

"Son. Join us." Carlisle, more regal than ever. Blue neckerchief tucked into his grey sweater. Blond hair slicked back. A sharp stare, mirroring my own. He made me. He makes me still.

"Did you speak with Alistair in my absence?" He was to ask about singers, find out anything new. Anything pertaining to the life sucking that occurred today. I'm doomed.

"I trust Bella got home safely." Esme speaks. And her voice is a blanket wrapping around my insides, warming my cold heart, bringing me to life. She is my mother. She is our keeper.

"Of course. I said goodbye. And I'll cease enrolment at WV from here on out."

"In light of the information I've been given, I would say that's for the best." Carlisle stands.

"And the variables?" It's all the hope I have left. I'm waiting only for the solution, then this need to run, run to her house and begin this for real will consume me, is already beginning to consume me.

"I'm afraid there are none. I'm afraid the fairytales of a singer have been much exaggerated over the years."

"How so?" I stand too, begging him to say something else, digging deeper to find something new, anything that will change this.

"Her blood calls to you for a reason. A very good one. She's..."

"She's your freaking well, man. Your ultimate drug. Your very own blood bank." Emmett's deep voice resonates, filling the room, rumbling.

"Emmett!" Esme scolds him. "Bella means something to you." It's not a question - my dear mother, utterly correct as always.

"She does." She could. I wish she could mean something other than this, this almost, this not close enough, this too far away. This girl. She does.

"How far have you gone, Edward? I can't see." I roll my eyes at Alice.

"And what would you see? Lovers in spring time, frolicking in the sun."

"Sparkles and all. Don't be sour, Edward." I didn't get one of these gifts they speak of and I've never known a vampire to meet his singer. Ridiculous. All of it.

"It's new. I ended it." And watched her cry. Dejected. Rejected. All before I could even taste her. My mouth, on her mouth. Just once. Not even once.

"But you don't want to end it." Ah, my mother. Readers, we. "You don't think you can keep it up."

"No. I don't. But what choice do I have?" Give me choices. Somebody. Anything.

The room is silent again. I close my eyes and wish once more for sleep. I see hungry eyes watching me, her smiling face above me. She dances, her arms out, her skirt spinning. She falls giggling, against me. Her body pushes to mine. Her fingers sweep my face. Her lips brush mine.

I'm done.

This is too much.

AN:

The Boy is beautiful. He makes me spin, much like Edward makes Bella spin.
Next chapter: Wednesday

Lots of Edward, some more Cullens. Some answers, and some new questions.

I hope you enjoyed it! Your thoughts and comments are like riding in cars with boys!
Please and thank you!
samrosey. xo