The names are not mine, the rest - is.
Mind Over Matter
There was no light but I knew she was still up there. I left when the others left, thinking she would follow. She seemed blind to the potential dangers of leaving so late. Even the space she occupied, she was fearless in protecting it, using the same materials, the same seat and window of light before they got to it. But there was no light now, as I waited for Bella to come out, waiting for her to realise it was getting too late and she had to walk across campus. I couldn't read their minds or see their future decisions but I saw it in their eyes, their desire as she passed them, brushing their shoulders through the hallway, or trudging across the green to get to her dorm room, her pretty face in the night light. So I waited. Outside of the technology building, I was still in earshot of the attic in the art building. I could still hear her moving, hear her breathing.
Even then, when she finally appeared as drunkards scattered on the darkest night, the silent of night, she wasn't afraid, only lost in her mind about the piece she had been working on. Anxious to get back to her friends and the comfort of this new living.
But now, as we sit planted in the middle of the maze that is this meadow, she looks afraid. She is definitely afraid now.
"What did you do to me?"
"You begged to know the reasons why we can't be together. Now you know."
"No, Edward. What... How... Show me..." Scrambling to her feet she kicks around in the grass for something. Attempting to assess the situation, her mood - and the possibilities about what this is - inside her mind are a chaos on top of my own. My own being the thirst, my own being the paramount pressure pushing against my rib cage, pulling my arms and lifting my feet to get up and hunt her, my teeth sliding over my tongue as the saliva gathers just thinking about how she would taste. When I touch her and feel the new power; her energy, takes away the need to feed for as long as we are connected. When that ends, my hunger feels new again. New again as she frenziedly rummages in the high grass.
"Hey..." She picks up a stick from the filthy ground, aimed at me, she wants more. "What do you have there, show me?"
"I have nothing, you're hysterical."
"I'm hysterical! I'm hysterical! You shocked me, or hypnotised me, or stuck me with something. And I'm hysterical..."
"Calm down, Bella please. I know you must be confused. You were looking at me the whole time, was I holding anything but you?"
Her eyes are searching, searching her memories, searching the moments that have already passed, and my person, she searches me, and I show her, only to find nothing.
"I guess."
"Sit down. Please." She acquiesces, she knows I'm right.
"I want to run, you should know that. I want to run home because my whole body is tingling, screaming at me to go."
"I'm not forcing you to stay. Bella, you don't have to stay."
"That's the thing... More than that, I want to know why. More than that, I still want to be able to see you, hear your voice. I'm officially crazy."
"I'm sorry, Bella."
"Stop. Just stop. Every time you say that, I feel like you're apologising for the things I don't know, don't see. Every time you say that, I feel like you're about to leave."
"Close your eyes."
"I..." Her fear hurts me. Her fear crawls inside me, stabbing it's way through everything I have lived.
"I won't touch you. I won't hurt you." Her brown eyes are black. And in this night, she could be the same as me. Her pale skin against mine, her cold against my cold. But she's not. And she never will be.
She closes her eyes finally, her long lashes fluttering against her cheek. "Listen to the sounds around you."
"I don't hear anything."
"You do. Listen."
I can see her trying, I see the tilt of her head as she tries to get closer to the sounds, and I see the moment when it happens, it's familiar, it's clarity.
"What do you hear?"
"Birds. The ones I heard before, moving from tree to tree."
"What else?"
"I don't know, water and something else..."
"A deer quenching its thirst. A blue bird, feeding its babies. The stream, flowing away from us, until it meets the end, falling, rushing over the top. Your heart, beating faster to understand. An owl, watching us."
"You can hear my heart, right now?"
"Always."
"That's not possible. Whatever you did...how do you know what's in the dark? How can you possibly hear my...heart?"
"You're afraid. Finally."
"Because you're scaring me, Edward."
"Not intentionally, or rather, it's entirely intended. But not by me."
"Then by who?"
"The ones before me. Human nature. Nursery rhymes. Call it what you want. It's been there. For good reason."
"What reason?"
"I am a monster."
"What?" She searches for answers in places other than my face now. Maybe her own mind, maybe in the memories of me and the lists of happenings and instances that don't add up. "Your condition, is that what you mean? What is wrong with you exactly?"
"Everything."
"Not everything. The condition, you said..."
"Your scent is assaulting."
Her eyes are wide, her mouth is catching up. The difficulty of difficulties is this... I am a vampire.
"I haven't showered. I mean, you came over unannounced, I..." She buries her head inside her hooded sweater. Inside the coat I gave her.
"I didn't say it was unsatisfactory."
"It's not?"
"I still remember the first time, I remember five Tuesdays ago, I remember three days ago when you were sleeping, I remember it all, each and every time, even how you smell when you're aroused and now, as your blood is pumping around your body underneath your skin. Only I see it, also. As clear as anything could be, the path it runs, a never-ending cycle of life."
She rolls her sleeves up again, "Show me."
"You know why I can't do that."
"No, I mean... You see it now? Underneath my skin... Show me where..."
We sit knees almost to knees. She watches me waiting, eyes to her beautiful, eager eyes. My fingers hover above in the brisk air, I could hold them still forever, waiting to touch, waiting until I'm ready with the answer of what I am. But I don't want to. I want to touch her soon, now, every moment in every place, in all the places I have thought about, dreamed about, and seen. I have seen parts of Bella that she did not willingly show me. I forced that upon her by falling into her bedroom without consent. I can't get back that first time I saw her, and neither can she.
My fingers hover, ready. More so than ever before, because I am finished taking things from her without permission.
-o-
I kicked at the grass unseeing. Not only because of the night, not only because my mind wouldn't stop running but because of the tears. My eyes watered with a fury. I wanted to cry in embarrassment, I wanted to release all of the anxiety of his abrupt hello, I needed a release from the tension of not being able to touch him. I held in my tears out of fear. I feared his answers and I feared my crazy would negate it all.
My understanding of him feels like it's changing quickly, like all of the things I thought I knew about him from afar, all of the things I saw, trying to gather the pieces to make a picture in my mind of what he would be like, aren't really true.
Edward Cullen, a little serious. Edward Cullen, a lot sexy, unapproachable and perhaps even untouchable. Edward Cullen, monster. No, I don't think so. He's different, sure. He has all these things, these ways, like smart ways of knowing my answers, or not even needing to ask the questions. And he likes me, he wants me in return. But he can't have me, or so he says. We can't be together like everybody else can, or so he shows me. He showed me; something's wrong when we touch. He seems normal, watching me flail. And I...have some kind of allergic reaction to him. I'm allergic to Edward Cullen and I don't even know how that's possible. He sees things clearer than me, hears things that I cannot. He's older than me somehow, colder than me too, in fact, he sits here now in just a tshirt and seems fine, but if I were to feel his skin, his paler than pale skin, he would shock me with his condition, his icy caress. He found this place in the dark and drives fast cars. He climbs the walls of my house and I just go wherever he wants.
Why him? Why is he different? He's like an animal that watches me. He's like an animal sniffing me out amongst the rest. But I'm just a kitten, alone and lost, unaware of the massive hunt this whole time. I don't know this game. And I wish I could see as clear as he does.
He sits across from me, almost touching but not quite, like always. I would definitely know if he was and for the first time since knowing him, I can say, I'm not sure I want him to.
I want him to.
My tummy pulls at the inside of me, hurt by my lie. I do want him to. I do want him to be able to.
But I don't know if we can ever be...normal.
He wants to show me, or rather, I told him he should. He speaks in crazy about lines on my skin. My blood. I don't know if that's something I should be creeped out by, or if I'm just rightfully rocked by the depth of his words. He likes me so much he sees me this way, as some kind of sustenance. Like this lust I feel is the same as he does. And it's too much, he wants to eat me up. Like I want to crawl inside of him and stay there a while.
But it might be more. It might not be some kind of metaphor and I try, I shake my head and close my eyes and try hard not to think of what it means if it's not, what it means if he really wants me in more ways than that.
A monster.
Like movies. Like fiction.
I can feel him, so close to me, his fingers are ghosts and his movements are a dance, dancing where they wish to walk, talk, have and hold. I hold my breath, I don't know why, I just do. Until I have to breathe. Until I have to breathe in all the air and all of the things I want but aren't having right now. I think about melting into him, lying on top of him in the grass, rolling around, and tucking myself into his body as he holds me tight, his hands running free over my shoulders, my back, my waist and how I would breathe with him, in and out, in and out at the same pace, filling the same space with the same breath of our lives beginning. His fingers hover over my mouth, so close to my lips, I almost want to lick them. Stick my tongue out and lick, just once, just quick, but I think if I do, that thing from before might happen. Or maybe that's not how it works, I felt fine when we bumped heads and I felt fine in the car as we both went for the stereo.
"Hey, how come nothing happened at the party? We touched then."
"I was high."
"I know but..."
"It seems that the drugs diminish the effect, decreasing the frequency."
The frequency. "You make it sound like we're machines."
"Not machines. Animals perhaps."
"You said monster."
"Okay, me monster, you animal."
"Me girl. You boy."
"Not a boy."
"Sorry, a man."
"Wrong again."
"I won't say you're a monster."
"Not even after what you saw when we connected?"
"Nope."
"What about now?" He stares at me, staring into me. It's intense. He grips the grass, his hand sinking into the dirt. He's...strong. Digging deep into the earth beneath us. His stillness is a little violent, startling and...interesting, too interesting when it should be something else. Bringing his hand back up, he holds a mound of dirt and grass, pulled right up, right out with his bare hand, leaving a hole and a crack in the ground.
"Edward..."
"Am I a monster now?"
"How did you do that?"
"Stop asking me questions, Bella. Stop asking for answers where there are only nightmares."
"Why are you here then?"
"Pardon me?"
"Why did you bring me here? Why did we come if you don't plan to tell me, or this, why do that if you're just going to hide from me?"
"I'm not hiding."
"Yes. You are."
"I'm trying."
"Just tell me. Just say it." I don't know what it is I want him to say exactly. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm stupid and I don't see what's right in front of me. Maybe I don't want to see.
"It's a secret. It's not normal. I'm not normal."
"I told you, you can say anything. Trust me with anything. And besides, what's normal anyway? It's like, just because one person says something should be one way, everybody just...reacts, and falls in line. But who says we can't be whatever we want. However we want. When did this become the way of living? I don't know if I want what everybody else has. I do know, no matter what it is, I want your secret. I want what's not normal."
"Think about it. Think about waking up at my house, the good doctor and his eyes. Think about the blood, think about my strength and my eyes. Think about me, needing drugs to lessen my senses. Senses I shouldn't have. What did you eat today, Bella?"
"Um, pizza. What does that have to do with anything?"
"I can't remember the last time I ate human food." Human food? What does that even mean? He's not human? He eats something else, made just for him. Not humans.
"Edward..." What he's telling me isn't possible. What he's putting into my mind isn't right. He isn't right. "You're starting to scare me again."
"Good. I am scary. I am to be feared. Somehow you turned out to be my greatest hunt. You were so easy, attracted to the mystery of my behaviour, my appearance, my actions even. Just as it is supposed to be. We were designed that way, Bella. Do you get it, finally? Only now, we can't complete, we can't feed because if we do, chaos and perhaps worse...we can't complete so I have to watch you, unable to feed off the most succulent of..."
"What are you?" I see it now. This is a dream. Or like, some kind of twisted nightmare I fell into from all the sleeping. And the masturbating. And the thinking of Edward and his excuses, something so far out there in order to comprehend why he wouldn't want me. Why he doesn't want me. "I did this. My god. You could be anything. We're dreaming, right? So come on, what are you? A demon, a vampire, no, I got it! You're just a boy and I'm insane. I want to go home. Take me home, and I'll wake up. It's the only way I can wake up. Take me home, Edward."
Please. I don't want this. I don't know how to accept this.
"No, Bella. This is not a dream. And you were right before. I'm sorry but this is real and you have to stay. You must see now why this can't continue."
"You smell pretty." He doesn't speak. He just waits. He waits and I'm trying to piece this madness to make one...vampire. "I get it now."
"Bella."
"No. I get it. We can't be together. You're not like me. You're not normal. You're right. Now, can you take me home please?"
I think I have to leave now. I have to get out of here. I have to get away from him, away from Edward.
AN:
Last week was the week I chose to let my words pile up. It was needed much.
The Boy is back this chapter, as always, making me better.
Next chapter: I've thrown out the schedule, I was never good at those. So... Expect one chapter per week, a chapter I hope that you'll look forward to!
This was a big one, a hard one. Tell me how it went...
Please and thank you!
samrosey. xo