Auther's note: This story is based off Season 1 Episode 26, Monkee Chow Mein. I didn't really add much to this story, I mostly focused on Micky's thoughts as the story progressed, although I did add one or two things to explain things, and to end on a funny note. Enjoy!
All in all, Micky was just plain straight irritated. I mean, it had been bad enough that Peter had taken that fortune cookie with the fourth part of a top-secret formula that was wanted by both the CIA and the Chinese mob. It was bad enough that the Chinese mob had chased them from the restaurant and then the CIA had taken them at gunpoint to interrogate them about the formula's whereabouts. And it was bad enough that the Chinese mob had followed them to the pad so they could nab Peter and look for the formula.
What really ticked Micky off was that the Chinese mob had broken into their apartment and kidnapped him instead. Not that he wanted Peter to be kidnapped, in fact, he would do this all over again if it meant Peter stayed safe. But seriously, it was the middle of the night, he was tired, he had a bit of a stomachache, and now, to top it all off, he was tied to a chair, with some sort of bag over his head.
The Dragon Man came into the room, congratulating Toto on his accomplishment.
"Now, Toto!" He was saying. "Let us hope you have done your job right this time! Uh, take off hood, please..."
Suddenly, the bag was pulled off. Micky blinked and took a look at the Dragon Man. He didn't seem all that threatening. Maybe it was the fact that he was currently throwing a tantrum because Toto had kidnapped Micky instead of Peter.
"Rghhh!" He yelled. "You fool! Once again, you have brought me wrong man!"
"You fool," Micky repeated. "You have again brought him the wrong one. Bye."
But the goon behind him stopped him from standing up, and fastened him to the chair more securely. Micky sighed in annoyance. Some night this was turning out to be.
When he got out of this, he decided he was never going to eat a fortune cookie again. They caused way too much trouble.
It had been awhile now, and Micky was now even more irritated. What was taking the CIA so long? They were supposed to know what was going on here, why hadn't they come in yet? This was getting tedious. He looked over at the Dragon Man, who was now giving new instructions to Toto.
"And now, Toto," he said. "For your instructions. I want you to find the Monkee, get the cookie, bring the Monkee and the cookie to me. Repeat, please."
Well, he couldn't have that. If Toto found Peter and the cookie, they would release the Doomsday bug on an unsuspecting population or something. So Micky decided to stir things up a bit.
"I find the cookie, bring the Monkee," Toto was saying. "Oh, no no, no," Micky interrupted. "It's: You find the cookie, get the Monkee than cook the cookie."
"QUIET, PLEASE!" Dragon Man yelled. Well, that was rude.
Micky watched as the Dragon Man wrote the instructions down and had Toto read it, and then destroy the paper. Then he told Toto to recite what he had read. Toto thought for a moment, and then said "Uh, uh, cook a Monkee... and get cookie...?"
"No no no no," Micky supplied helpfully. "You monk the cookie, cook the Monkee, then find the cookie!"
"SHUT UP PLEASE!" Yelled the Dragon Man. Boy, he really was starting to lose it. Micky wondered if he was always this crabby, or if he was just tired of being up so early after he had stayed up all night just to kidnap the wrong Monkee.
"QUIET!" He yelled again, before turning to Toto. "I will repeat for you one more time," he said. "Listen carefully! You monk the cookie, fry the turkey, oh, wait ohh..." He began muttering something unintelligible, glaring at Micky as he muttered. Then he tried again. "You dry the turkey, baste the turkey- Baste the turkey!?"
"Nice try, Dragon Man," Micky said. "Do you wanna try it again?"
Dragon Man peered at the ripped up bits of paper with the instructions on them, looking up at Micky and growling every now and again.
Eventually, he figured out what the instructions were and sent Toto out after Peter.
Micky fidgeted in his seat, he hated sitting still for so long. This was a real drag. It had been a few hours since Toto had gone looking for Peter, and the Dragon Man was entertaining himself by playing Monopoly. Unfortunately, it wasn't very entertaining for Micky, and now Micky was bored out of his skull.
That was when the waiter goon opened the door, calling for the Dragon Man.
"Has Toto returned with the boy?" Dragon Man asked eagerly. "Better yet, Master, the boy has come to us! He is outside in the Restaurant!"
Well, if that wasn't just magnificent! After all he had been through to make sure they didn't get Peter, he just walked in, waiting to be captured? Micky rolled his eyes.
"Sooooo," the Dragon Man said, standing up from his chair. "He has fallen into my crutches!"
Well, Micky couldn't very well let that one go. "Your crutches?" He asked. "Not my crutches, my crutches!" Dragon man said. That hadn't cleared anything up at all. The waiter goon and Toto went out to capture Peter, and Micky couldn't help but feel frustrated that Peter had come in the first place.
He knew Peter could be smart if he wanted to, why did he do such dumb things sometimes? It was like there was a part of his brain where he kept all of his common sense, and sometimes that part was disconnected to the rest of Peter completely.
He didn't have long to stew, however, before Peter was brought in, tied to a chair, like Micky was, except his arms were tied down differently. Also, he was wearing a gag for some reason. Why would the goons gag him if the Dragon Man was going to interrogate him? That didn't make any sense.
As the goons wheeled Peter over next to Micky, he couldn't help but display a little dramatics.
"Thank Heavens you've come," He exclaimed, sarcasm lining every word. Peter blinked, realizing that Micky was angry at him for some reason, but obviously not sure why. Didn't he realize that giving himself up to be captured by the enemy would not only be placing himself in danger, but Micky as well? Probably not. He probably hadn't been thinking straight at all.
The gag was removed and Peter turned his attention to Dragon Man, who was talking.
"It was a bold and daring move, your coming here!" He said.
"I'd put my arm in the fire for Micky," Peter said. Well. That put a new spin on things. Peter had probably given himself up because he thought that by doing so, he could save Micky. Poor, naive Peter. As if the Dragon Man would just let Micky go, after all he had seen. All Peter had done was land himself in the very same boat.
Still, Micky couldn't stay mad at Peter now, even though he wanted to. None of this was really Peter's fault, he hadn't meant to take a top secret formula, and he certainly hadn't expected someone to break into the pad to try and kidnap him, just to capture Micky instead.
And even coming here had been an attempt to help Micky. A dumb attempt, a foolish attempt doomed to fail, but it had been for Micky. Peter couldn't help it if his plans never worked. So he wasn't angry at Peter anymore. He was still a little irritated, but he had a right to be after being kidnapped and tied to a chair.
"Oh, that's very specialized work," said the Dragon Man. "Now, Mr. Tork, I am a civilized man who abhors violence. TELL ME QUICKLY, where is the information!?"
Micky looked at Peter, surely, he wouldn't give the location away, he wasn't that dumb, right?
"You'll never get me to speak," Peter said. Micky breathed a sigh of relief. Okay, so he wasn't that dumb. Good.
CLANG! Dragon Man rang his gong, and Micky and Peter both flinched at the annoying sound.
"Toto!" Dragon Man said before turning to Peter. "Observe, please, Mr. Tork, the ant! He is numerous, he is patient, and he prevails!"
Micky chuckled nervously, noticing that Toto had obtained an ant farm filled with ants that certainly looked red. Hopefully it was just the lighting. "Hey, that's pretty good," he said. "You should write fortune cookies."
"Toto," Dragon Man said. "Persuade the young man to speak."
This was what Micky had been afraid of. When it was just him, Dragon Man had no reason to torture him, because he thought Micky hadn't known anything. Now that Peter was here, the "persuasion" would begin.
Toto, apparently, wasn't going fast enough, however, because then the Dragon man yelled out "The ants, the ants!"
"I know what I shall do, Master," Toto said with a grin. He lowered the ant farm down in front of Peter's face, and Micky looked away. He didn't like insects much at the best of times.
"I shall take the ten thousand red ants," Toto began.
"Stop!" Dragon Man ordered. Micky and Peter both looked up at him. "I thank you to do your fiendish work," he said, looking a bit sick. "But, don't tell me about it."
Huh. So the Dragon Man didn't like bugs either. "Yes, Master," Toto said, holding the ant farm up so Peter could watch the ants.
"Toto," Dragon Man said. "What is it you do with ten thousand red ants?"
Apparently, what Toto did with ten thousand red ants was what any normal kid with an ant farm did. He watched the ants dig tunnels.
It was actually pretty entertaining, once you got over the fact that there were sixty thousand tiny little legs and twenty thousand tiny antennae crawling around in the dirt. More entertaining than watching the Dragon Man play Monopoly, at least.
"Enough with the ants!" Dragon Man exclaimed finally. "Better yet... the Chinese ice torture!"
Peter and Micky gasped dramatically. "No!" Micky exclaimed. "Not the Chinese ice torture!"
"Yes!" Dragon Man said gleefully. "The Chinese ice torture!"
"What is the Chinese ice torture?" Micky and Peter asked together.
Dragon Man was only too happy to explain. "A rope," he said. "Is tied around a small ice cube. A razor sharp dagger is fastened to the rope and suspended over the victims throat!"
Now Micky was getting nervous. Ten thousand red ants was one thing. This was beginning to sound bad. Real bad.
"As the ice cube melts," Dragon Man continued. "The dagger comes closer and closer to the victims throat!"
Now Micky was admittedly scared. It was obvious how this would end, even though the Dragon Man decided not to finish the description, as with a laugh, he ordered Toto to prepare the Chinese ice torture.
"No Master," Toto said. "I cannot do it."
"Ha," Dragon Man said. "Toto, you have no stomach for ice torture!"
"No, Master," Toto said sorrowfully. "We out of ice!"
Micky and Peter breathed a sigh of relief. No ice meant no Chinese ice torture.
Unfortunately for them, Dragon Man had his own personal stock of ice, for "Circumstances such as these," which was admittedly creepy in and of itself. What kind of guy kept a secret stash of ice so he could torture prospective victims?
So, Micky and Peter watched nervously as Toto tied two ropes around two blocks of ice, then fastened two sharp daggers to the ends of the ropes. Finally, he tied the ropes above Micky and Peter's heads, far enough away that they could see the daggers swinging slightly, not moving closer visibly, but they could tell it wouldn't take long for the ice to melt.
Especially now that Toto had found two cigarette lighters and was trying to speed the process along. Micky took a sideways glance at Peter, his knife was just a little bit closer to his throat than Micky's was, because Peter's chair was higher.
When would somebody burst into the room and get them out of this!? Surely there was somebody coming for them? Micky thought of Mike and Davy. He knew that wherever they were, they would be trying, but it was just the two of them against the Chinese Mob. The odds weren't exactly in their favor. Maybe Micky could talk them out of this.
"Now this..." His voice was shaky, he tried again. "This has gone far enough!" He said, as Peter nodded beside him. "Really! Micky continued. "We can't talk, because we don't know anything, because we can't talk, we're musicians, we're Monkees, we sing!"
"Yeah," Peter chimed in nervously. "Singers." Micky looked at him. "Sing," He said. "We're singers, sing!"
"Sing," Peter repeated. "Right, sing."
"Uh," Micky started. "Last train to Clarksville..." Peter joined in, and Micky closed his eyes as he tried not to picture the dagger coming down and stopping his singing for good.
"And I'll meet you... ice is melting..." Micky sang, as Peter stuck to the actual words.
"And the knife is getting sharper..." Peter was straying from the lyrics now too, apparently.
"The rope is getting lower," Micky added. "And I'll meet you at four thirty don't be... sharp..."
The together they did probably the worst rendition of "Oh no no no..." That they had probably ever done before.
"You expect me to believe you make money singing like that!?" Dragon Man snapped.
"I didn't say we made money, I said we sing," Micky said reproachfully. Really, with a dagger an inch away from his throat, they were supposed to sing well, too?
"Oh, so you're nothing but a singing group?" Dragon Man said, walking up behind them.
"Right!" Micky and Peter both said with relief. Maybe talking (and singing) their way out of things really worked!
"Ohhh," Dragon Man continued. "Than we have nothing to learn from you!"
"Right!" They agreed again. Maybe now Toto would take down the daggers!
"Well, then, I can merely kill you!" Dragon Man said happily. "Right," Micky and Peter said without thinking. Then his words registered.
"WRONG!" They both yelled.
But nothing they said could convince the Dragon Man. He had Toto remove the daggers and untie them from the chairs, which confused Micky. Why didn't he just kill them with the daggers if he was planning on killing them? Of course he didn't point that out.
He waited until he and Peter were both untied and standing together before he decided to satisfy his curiosity, as it had occurred to him that Dragon Man was way too commanding and in charge to be taking orders from someone else. "Before you kill us, Charlie," he said. "Tell me one thing. Who's number 1, who is Mr. Big?"
"Who do you suppose, my little Monkee?" Dragon Man said. "Mr. Big is Dragon Man!" He pointed to himself proudly, while Peter and Micky gave each other a knowing glance.
"Oh, Well, isn't that always the way?" Peter said with a seemingly thoughtful bit of sarcasm. "The fellow you least suspect."
"I am a civilized man," Dragon Man said, ignoring their comments. "I offer you... I offer you a chance to save your lives!"
"Oh-ho, you're a real sport!" Micky said sarcastically. "Hey," Peter warned, grabbing Micky's arm. "Don't make trouble!" Maybe he was right, but Micky still felt angry at Dragon Man for causing all this trouble in the first place.
Fortunately, Dragon Man ignored this too.
"Behind you," he said. "You see four doors. Three of them, three, my friends, are marked for sudden death! The fourth will lead to freedom! It is your choice! You have sixty seconds to choose!"
Then, flipping an hourglass (Or, a minute glass), the Dragon Man and his goons left the room, leaving Micky and Peter alone.
"Hey, this is gonna be fun!" Peter said, looking around at the doors.
"This is not any game, Peter," Micky said absently, also gazing around him. They would have to figure out which door didn't lead to "sudden death" quickly or Dragon Man would be back and kill them for real.
"Let's see what's behind this door," Peter said from behind him, and Micky turned to see him reach for the doorknob.
"No, wait!" He exclaimed, rushing forward to stop him. He succeeded, by running into Peter, who then hit his face on the doorjamb.
"Just open it a crack first," Micky said, exasperated. What was up with Peter today? It was as if he just wasn't even trying to think things through at all.
He moved past Peter and slowly cracked the door open a little. He didn't quite make out what was behind it, he just saw something fast with teeth and heard a loud roar. Jumping, he shut the door and leaned against it, letting out a sigh of relief as he didn't feel the attack he had been sure would happen.
"It sounded alright to me," Peter said. Micky wasn't sure at this point whether he was joking or being serious. "Let's try the next door, I thought I heard a rattle," he said.
"Maybe it's a baby," Peter said. Heh. Cute. Micky smiled pointedly at what he was sure had to be a joke, even coming from Peter, he couldn't have been serious. He hoped.
He didn't open the door this time, instead he knelt down and peered in through the keyhole.
Again, he saw something fast and some teeth, although dragonish fangs were more correct.
If there was one thing Micky hated more than insects, it was snakes. He let out a small yell and jumped up, startling Peter. "Ra-ra-ra-r-r-ra-rattlesnake," he stammered, holding his hand up to his heart. Peter sighed with relief. He'd thought something was truly wrong for a moment.
"I'll bet this door leads to freedom," he said, pointing at the second to last door. Well, he had better odds of being right than when he had chosen out of all four doors, but Micky still didn't like the odds very much.
Peter opened the door before Micky could get his breath back and stop him, however, and Micky found himself face to face with a cannon as it fired. He managed to slam the door shut before he and Peter were impaled, and he coughed as smoke came pouring into the room.
"Just in time," he said, waving the smoke away. "What do you mean, just in time?" Peter asked, also coughing. Micky smiled. "Well," he said, clapping his hands. "We know one thing, Baby, that's the door to freedom!" He pointed at the last door.
"Right you are," Peter said, and he and Micky walked over and opened the door.
CLAAAANG! The sound of the Dragon Man's gong crashed in their ears as the Dragon Man himself came through, followed by his goons, who were carrying knives.
"Hey, wait!" Micky cried out as he and Peter backed against the other doors. "You said one of these doors led to freedom!"
"Ah," Dragon Man said gleefully. "I didn't say it positively!" Well, that was just plain cruel.
"He's right, you know," Peter said, but Micky didn't have a chance to respond as suddenly Toto and Zheng advanced with a growl, raising their knives for the strike. They pushed Micky and Peter into the wall, and Micky closed his eyes. He didn't want to see it coming.
That was when he heard a crash, and he didn't feel a sharp blade tear into his flesh. He looked up to see that Mike and Davy had kicked the door open. They were dressed in superhero outfits and wore glasses, but he could tell they were Mike and Davy because the tall one was wearing Mike's wool hat, and the other one was so short it was almost funny.
"That door was open!" Dragon Man said angrily.
"We're The Monkee Men!" Davy and Mike said heroically.
"We're saved!" Peter and Micky both said dramatically. Of course, Micky wasn't scared at all any more. Mike was here, and he'd brought Davy. Mike would never let anything happen to them, and when the four of them were together, they could get through almost anything.
He was a bit confused, however, when instead of any actual fighting, the two "Monkee Men" circled Toto, lauged, and then began insulting him.
"You're a nail biter," Davy informed Toto. It seemed to work, however, as Toto flinched and gasped as if he'd been hit. "You're a nail biter," Davy continued. "and your mother never ever loved you." Well, ouch. That one had to hurt. Toto recovered quickly, however, and decided to fight fire with fire.
"You are too short!" He exclaimed. Micky sucked in his breath. Davy's eyes grew wide and he looked incredulously up at Toto. This wouldn't end well. Toto seemed to see he'd hit a nerve, and repeated himself before adding more. "You are too short, and... you have no ear for music!"
"Oh!" Davy cried out dramatically. "Oh! Ah! Oh, Mike! Oh, Mike, he's got me! Help me, Mike!"
"Oh, yes, I'll do it, I'll handle this," Mike said helpfully, taking Davy's place in front of Toto. This should be good.
Mike took off his glasses and fixed Toto with a stare. "You're ugly," he said after a short pause. Peter and Micky grinned, Mike always knew what to say to someone! Or, what not to say to someone. "You're an ugly person," Mike continued. "Ugly, ugly, OOH, are you ugly!"
Micky was surprised. He reminded himself never to get on Mike's bad side.
"Nobody likes you," Mike said with a disdainful look at Toto. "Least of all me."
Toto clutched at his heart with a groan. "Nobody," Mike said. "Nobody likes you." Toto began to whimper. Mike had won! "Take that," he said with a smirk.
"Enough of this!" Dragon Man yelled. "Get formula for Doomsday Bug!"
Micky looked nervously at Mike, but he had things handled, just like always. "Oh, what is this formula?" He said. "I have the Doomsday Bug here!" He held out his hand, pretending to hold something between his thumb and finger. "That is it, the Doomsday Bug!" He said. "The Bug itself!" He shook his hand in front of Toto and Zheng, who flinched and backed away from him. "Oh boy," Toto said. "Oh boy, Master, the bug."
He pointed at Mike the way a toddler would point at a rule breaker.
"Don't try to fool me with old bug trick, you have no bug!" Dragon Man exclaimed.
Davy picked up on this and insisted that Mike had the bug, even taking "it" away from him and continuing to wave it in Toto and Zheng's faces. Then he pretended to throw it at them, and they yelled and cowered and brushed "it" off their clothes.
"YOU FOOLS!" Dragon Man yelled. "There is no bug!"
"Oh yes, there is," Davy argued. "It's all over him now!"
Mike nodded them over and Micky and Peter crept past Toto and Zheng, following as Mike and Davy crept to the door. The way was blocked by the cook, however, and the cook was holding a gun. With a yell, the Monkees ran back into the main part of the room, where Toto and Zheng were sufficiently persuaded that they didn't have the Doomsday Bug on them, and all began to chase the Monkees, who had no choice but to run into the doors marked for "sudden death."
It wasn't as bad as it had seemed to be, however, and after running around for a while, (Which was a Monkees specialty), they managed to find some gauze to stick in their ears, and they gathered around the giant gong in the middle of the room and banged and banged on it while the Chinese Mob clutched at their ears in an attempt to drown out the noise. Suddenly, the CIA was there, and the Dragon Man and his lackeys were escorted away. The Monkees waved and called out a few goodbyes, and Micky danced a little and sang quietly, not that he could hear himself. They were still alive, now he had absolutely nothing to worry about.
Then they all realized that the guy from the CIA was trying to say something, so they all took the cotton out of their ears and leaned forward to listen.
"GOOD WORK, MEN!" He yelled, startling them. "I came as fast as I could," He said, looking at Mike. Well, fancy that. It was Micky and Peter that had been kidnapped and almost tortured. Maybe he figured that Mike was their leader.
"Well, how'd you get here, by boxcar?" Mike asked. Apparently he agreed that "Fast as he could" hadn't been fast enough. And personally, Micky agreed with him. If Mike and Davy hadn't come when they did, than he and Peter would probably be dead by now.
But, there was nothing to do about it now, so after the guy left, they all sat down around the table and began eating what was there. I mean, really, it had been almost a whole day for Micky, and Peter had been there for a few hours, and Davy and Mike were probably tired from being superheroes, and Dragon Man owed them all anyway.
So they sat and helped themselves, cracking jokes and talking about food until Peter had to go and open a fortune cookie.
"Hey guys I gotta get outta here," he said. "Why?" Mike asked suspiciously. Peter pointed at his fortune. "I have these instructions. I'm supposed to make contact with a tall man wearing a carnation on the corner of Spring and Elm..." Mike nodded at Davy and Micky who silently got up and headed towards Peter, who kept talking.
"Who'll give me a capsule which I'm supposed to take to the railway station, where a woman, wearing a beret..." Micky and Davy each took hold of one of Peter's wrists and had him stand up, and he continued reading. "Will get off and she'll..." He continued on as they guided him through the door towards the main entrance.
"Quite a bit of information for one slip of paper," Davy grumbled.
Micky blinked and took a look at the fortune Peter was reading. Written on the slip of paper was an old Chinese proverb: If the wind comes from an empty cave, it's not without a reason.
"Peter!" He said, stopping in surprise. "You don't really have any instructions to make contact with anybody! You're joking!"
Peter smiled. "I was wondering how long it would take for someone to catch on," he said.
"Oh, Peter!" Davy said, although he was smiling too. "Why'd you do something like that?" Mike suddenly threw his head back and laughed, long and hard. Apparently, he thought it was really funny. It wasn't long before the others started to giggle too, and then they were all laughing right along with him, and as they began the walk back to the pad, two of them still in their superhero costumes and one still in his pajamas, laughing their heads off, so many people stopped and stared at them that they couldn't help but begin singing their Monkees song. As they sang, they couldn't stop laughing, which, in turn brought them more stares, which made them laugh even harder.
They finally arrived at the pad, and still laughing, they each went their separate ways to bed, exhausted from the days events but still the same old Monkees that they'd always been.