The names are not mine, the rest - is.
I, Human... You, Vampire
The door to J.J's class is open, the room taking students slowly. She is not here yet, not close yet, the pit of my stomach sunken to the depths of me waiting. Always waiting. I am not certain if going in is wise. With proximity comes intimacy. With the language comes sex, comes me dragging her body out into the world with me. Not to mention the last time we were both in attendance, she fainted. I yelled, roaring at those who dared to move her. I am certain. I won't go in. I can see from here, take her in from here. Attempt to figure out what she wants, from here. She gives me nothing in the face of her eagerness. Just want. She wants everything. To feel. To have answers to questions not yet born.
The strangers roam, the halls are full, filling loads of minds I wish I knew. Hiding strangles me but what else is there?
In this stolen minute, the sense of relief absolves me of all this mess. She cures what ails me in all of my ways. Her scent is alarming. Lilac. Today she smells of lilac. She is a wall of flowers, ready for picking, as I catch her scent. Her footsteps, her breathing. Across the parking lot. Through the automatic doors, a reflection of herself, a hitch, warm bodies, avoiding, more steps, steps to find me. To find French. She wonders if I will show. She contemplates the outcome either way. Bella darling, I am lifeless, black inertia, dying in my unmovable state as I watch you, walking in your purple dress, thighs meet knee-socks, socks meet boots. Hands clasp bags of words you wonder. Bella darling, I would step out, step out and take fingers, fingers lingering to find, into mine, and France we would be. Whispers be damned. Gossips fooled plenty.
Bella darling, now she is gone. The door is closed. The faces all as one.
My leave is heavy. The pull is as strong as ever. Time, she needs more time. Alice gave instruction. I wait. I can wait however more.
-o-
He isn't here. French is getting harder, everything is harder. People are looking, people I don't know, have yet to meet and now, probably won't. I'm the girl who fell to the floor in a slump of crazy, my crush crushing me hard, quite literally. But they don't know. How could they know? I have seen at least two people in here with Jasper. At least two of them disappearing at games with the group of them. Maybe they know, maybe everybody knew about vampires but me.
Wouldn't everybody be talking about it though? Why aren't they? My thoughts are twisty, spiralling out of control, I can't take any of it in, and my next class isn't any better.
At lunch, I can't face any of it, I can't stomach anything.
More classes blur together with no sign of Edward.
"Bella!" Nettie flies at me, wavy hair decorated with plaits, swirly skirts and boot laces bobbing against each other. She runs at me, hitting me hard, her arms wrapping around my neck.
"I missed you. And I met someone. Well, met is...not entirely true. More like, I stalk them in hopes of dancing into their lives with effortless charm."
"Sounds effortless."
"Are you back now?" Rose asks, looking around. She holds her books in one hand, the other held on to a boy. A man.
"Hey, I'm Bella."
"Emmett." They say it at the same time, their voices high and low, meeting perfectly in the middle. He's tall, his arms are thick, his hair is black, and his eyes are...familiar.
"Do I know you? I mean..."
"Way to be weird, B." Sorry Rose.
"Sorry, I... I'm back from crazy town, ignore that, ignore me, pleased to meet you." Don't ignore me. I really might be mental. His fucking eyes, they're everywhere, watching me. I am in need of like, people, other people and real life stuff.
Not nightmares. Not scary stories.
Edward.
He said I would see him. He said he would be here.
"Hey, you know that grungy kid, um, Jasper, know where I can find him?" Nettie's eyes light up at my mention of him. She's been stalking Jasper?
"I am so glad you're back." She pulls my arm and we head across campus. Rose follows, and I can hear them talking behind us, I look back to see his arm wrapped around her as they walk. Her cheeks are like plums, like really round plums, her eyes disappear into her smile. She's happy.
"So, what's he like?"
"I feel like I have so much to tell you." Her excited giggles turn to weird ecstatic sing songs as she skips, pulling me faster. "So this group, they're...well, they're cool, and, oh, your Edward hangs out with them. I think some of them are kind of related but he hasn't been around so... Anyway, we can finally stop watching, Bella. Emmett is friends with them and Rose is happy for us to join."
Join? She makes it sound like a cult. Edward hangs out with them. He and Jasper are related. My brain is whizzing again, and I can't hear any of what she's saying now.
"Edward was at my house."
"What?" I just blurted it out. Fuck.
"Edward. He... After he took me home. He came to see me."
"What happened? Did you... Are you... You're totally mingling. Are you having fun?"
"Sex, Net. Just say sex."
"Fine. Are you having sex with him?"
"We haven't even...kissed."
"Oh. Well, that's cool. He's definitely interested in you. Rose told me he carried you out of here like Prince Charming."
Yeah. Edward is my Prince Charming. One kiss and... I'll be dead.
I realise we're walking across the field, heading towards the bleachers, it's December, and the nights are here so soon. The sky is a blue, covering us slowly in night.
"There she is."
"Who?" I see about seven people huddled in front of us, about twenty feet away. Two or three more of them linger off to the right. Among the seven are two girls, the rest are boys.
"Alice, that's who." Alice Cullen. Edward's sister. Sitting on my bed, he told me about his family. Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, and another brother, he never mentioned his name.
"You like Alice?"
"She's beautiful."
"She has a boyfriend."
"Love is free, B."
"I don't think other people see it that way, Nettie."
"Actually, see her," Nettie points to the other girl, a tall redhead, I think her name is Siobhan, I think she's in J.J's class with me and Edward. "She was talking the other day about how Alice used to date a girl from dubvee two, but the girl got taken out of school by her parents and they never saw her again."
She got taken away, like sent away. Or removed for being crazy due to the very real fact that Alice is a vampire and she knew? Maybe she couldn't handle it. Maybe she told people and it wasn't her parents who removed her. Maybe...maybe Alice...killed her.
And in this very moment, it's that I am reminded how dangerous this all is. How dangerous this is for my friends.
"Don't you get it? It means I might be in with a chance. She's like the stars, B. She's like a shiny star in the deep, dark night and I must have her as mine."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea. It could get messy. Her and Jasper are like...true love or something."
"Did Edward tell you that? What did he say?"
"Nothing. No. He just mentioned them, family stuff. They're the real deal is all."
"And related. What's with that?" Rose asks, now standing to my left. Emmett nowhere to be seen.
"They're like...adopted or something. I think." I don't know where that came from, and she should know, didn't Emmett tell her? Did Emmett tell her? Either way, I'm not sure - oh they're all vampires - related by blood, but like, by blood, from blood, due to the very blood they drink from, as in, immortal kin would go over well. So it's totally cool, carry on. I lied. Either way, it's begun.
And with that, my feet are no longer attached to the rational part of me. Only the reckless part of me lives as I walk, one foot in front of the other unsteady, positively unsure foot as I head for Jasper.
I don't know what they think, what they think I'm doing as I walk away from the only safety net I've known since I came here. I never knew I was like that really - afraid. Afraid of talking to people. I think really I'm just afraid of their faces, and all that face pulling, and what their faces say that their words don't. What's worse is that they don't think I see. I see. And when I came here I still saw it except, mostly I saw them not seeing. Not seeing me. Which is sometimes worse. So, eventually, I stopped talking, stopped trying, and now I avoid the face pullers. I avoid them looking right through me, right past me like I mean nothing. I may mean nothing to them. But I mean something. I mean something to someone.
So now I walk away, towards something different and scary, I walk away from Nettie, holding onto me. She's my best friend, Rose too, who is still so closed, offering just the tiniest parts, not just to me but to most people. She's her own secret. And now I have one to keep. I have Edward. Or at least, I could. I think. And his life is...different. The different I'm heading towards. He didn't look through me, past me. That whole time I was looking at him, he was looking at me too.
So now I walk. To seek the knowledge I know he won't give me. If he thinks I'm in, if he thinks I want this still, regardless of his life...he won't show me anymore. He will continue to scare me away.
But not Jasper. I hope.
"Swan." Jasper nods. He is surrounded by...vampires. Maybe. He is a vampire. Definitely. And this might not be a good idea. This might be like a stupid, stupid idea.
"Speak!" The redhead is scary. And Irish. Scary, Irish, and pale. Her eyes are dark, but like, burgundy. Not like Edward's. Like contacts. Everyone must think they're contacts. They're so much like blood. Standing there like that, they're all so different, now that I see. Now that I see them all in a row like that.
"She's deciding. Again. Aren't you, Bella?" She knows who I am. Of course, she does. I wonder what she thinks, what she told him. If she told him to stay away from me. Human. Stupid. Stupid. Human.
"I came to talk to Jasper." Her face is cat like, Alice's face. Like a Cheshire Cat. She has this smile, all knowing and all powerful. She moves like a cat too, as she slides through the bars, she moves slowly, precisely, smiling at me the whole time.
"Pretty. Is she yours?" A dark-haired boy, another vampire. I'm just gonna go ahead and assume...another vampire. Licking his lips, faces me, arms outstretched, big arms, not unlike Emmett. Who still isn't back. Jasper looks at him and shakes his head. They're communicating. Can they do that? Without talking, do they have like, powers? Vampire powers? Spinning crazy, my brave is about to disappear, Nettie and Rose standing behind me now.
"Come on, B. Let's go, we'll come back later."
"No. Jasper, can we talk please? About Edward, it's about Edward."
Dirty blonde hair and big boots, walking towards me in big boots that look twice the size of my own, and all I can think of is how fast. I wonder how fast I would have to run to outrun them. There are so many of them.
"On my own, 'kay? You can wait for me, but not here. Go back to our room, and um, I'll explain later. Please?" I can't tell them but, I don't want them to wait here either.
"Why are you acting so weird?" Rose is always so straight. So true. So few words. So well at seeing. I don't want to lie.
"People, Rose. Just people."
"We can come with you, you know we would come, right?" Nettie doesn't get intimidated easily.
"I'm fine. Go, and wait?"
"We'll wait." Nettie pulls Rose away. Their quick legs, rushing to normal. I should be rushing to normal.
"Let's go, Swan. Don't worry, they're not gonna eat you."
"Funny. That was...funny. You're a funny guy. Oh wait, vampire. Funny vampire." Normal looks good right about now. What is wrong with me? I should be spinning. But there is no more spinning, just...palpitations. I have palpitations. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's..."
"It's cool. Relax."
"The art building has empty rooms, all these empty rooms on the top floor. Let's go there...to talk. It's cold and dark and..."
"Vampires. I get it."
"No. I just...Edward knows. He'd know that's where I would go, and if..."
"If this goes badly, he'll save you. You think you might need saving from me?"
"No. But... This is not normal. This is not normal for me. Vampires. You're a vampire, and Alice is...and, are they all vampires?"
"Yes."
"Is Emmett?"
"I should hope so."
"What does that mean?"
"Dear brother of mine."
"Oh."
"Don't worry."
"About what?"
"Your friend. You're worried about Rosalie."
"Of course."
"But not about yourself?"
"I'm just trying to...know. I just want to know if... I feel crazy. I feel like I found a piece of me that was waiting... But it's soaked in blood now. And I don't know if I can take it. I want it, the piece. He's the piece and I do want it. But, it's bloody, and messy, and..."
"Scary."
"Yes." Understatement.
"It's alright to be afraid, Bella."
"I know."
"Do you?" He asks me like it should be clear.
"Of course. I know. But he pushes me away. I know now, why he pushes and...if I'm scared, he won't want to want this anymore. He'll push so hard, the piece won't fit anymore. And I want the piece."
"He prefers humans." Eating humans? Drinking from humans? I can't take this. "The whole vampire thing. He's not like those guys. They have this game, Liam, Siobhan and the others. They pick out scents and well...he doesn't play. Edward prefers humans."
"He prefers humans." More palpitations.
Two classes left in session. Two classes full of people not trying to figure out whether the first real thing to happen...the first real thing to happen since the trauma of my only other real thing to happen dangles in the shadows of my yester-life. The stairwell is dark, Jasper walks behind me. I'm looking for the scared. I'm looking for the fear but, it's not really here. Still, I feel like maybe if I reach for it, really reach out for it, it's lurking. It's a fake out.
I push the doors open, nobody's here. It feels like months, years since I have painted. It's only been weeks.
"I don't want to lose myself in this."
"Vampires?"
"How do I make it okay to move forward? How do I... He's not human. What did you do?"
"You should talk to him. Tell him all of this."
"I don't know if he wants to hear it. He's too worried about hurting me."
"He could hurt you. In lots of ways, Bella. This is no joke."
"I know it's real. Don't you think I know it's real when he...when we, and everything around me...it's too much. I felt like I was dying, like the ground beneath me was about to open up and I was dying, sinking deep into the depths of...but still, all I wanted was for him to...I just want to be normal. But it's not. And I'm trying here, I'm trying to make it happen. So just...I know it's real. I know." I'm yelling. Shouting. He could kill me right now. Easily. And I'm shouting.
"Breathe."
"I'm breathing. I'm fine. I'm fine."
"Now. You're fine now."
"What?" He's so perplexing.
"Sshh. Just wait."
"What are you doing? Jasper..."
"How do you feel?"
"How do you think I feel? I feel...fine." I feel fine.
"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Close your eyes, Bella."
"You're so bossy."
"I am. Now close them, and be quiet. Tell me what you feel." This is weird. But weird seems to be my life now.
"You're not gonna touch me are you?" Because that would be bad. Really bad.
"It doesn't work like that. That will only happen with Edward."
"What am I supposed to be feeling exactly?"
"You're angry. You weren't angry a minute ago."
"So."
"How do you feel now?" He keeps asking me over and over, like it will just change.
"The same." I feel the same!
"Wait for it..."
He's not touching me. He's sitting on the table. I'm by the window. I'm all the way over by the window, confused. Every minute, something new pops into my head, new questions, all the things I should be asking. All the things I want to know...need to know to be able to do this.
"You're confused."
I am.
"You're not angry anymore. Just. Impatient. Tired. Needy." A new step realised with every new word he speaks.
"How do you know?"
"It's a gift." He says.
"Like, powers. You have one?" Freaking powers. And super strength. My god.
"Something like that."
"So you can read people?" He knows my thoughts?
"No."
"I don't understand." I really don't.
"Think of it as a calming agent. I'm calming you. Projecting a sense of calmness."
"A gift. Does Edward have one?"
"Not exactly."
"What do you eat?" I don't know that I really want to know.
"We should go." He's standing now. Waiting for me, making me.
"You can't get shy on me now, come on."
"It's personal." Maybe I shouldn't have asked. Maybe it's exactly the question I should be asking.
"Tell me." But I can't stop. This is my chance.
"Every vampire is different."
"What about you? What about Edward?"
"Bella." He's giving me the creepy eyes. Creepy, dark, vampire eyes.
It's always the eyes.
"It's not gonna work. You calmed me, remember. I am calm. Zen. Check me out!"
I feel so much better, but I don't know if this is real. I think it's the fake out. And all at the same time, I feel like I still need to learn so much more. And on the way out, I don't even have to look. I know. He's here. I don't even have to see. I knew Edward would come.
I haven't seen him all day but I believed him when he said he would be here, that I would see him again.
Has he been here all day? Did he see me approach them?
"Jasper."
"Swan."
"Thanks. Thank you."
"Anytime. Welcome to the family."
Family?
Standing in the shadows underneath the vent, I'm in a movie. All of a sudden I'm in a movie, and he is James Dean, leaning perfect against the wall, waiting for me. For his girl. I could be the girl in this movie, his leading lady. Am I leading lady material? Either way, I'm running, I feel like I'm running my feet feel so light. My legs, moving all by themselves. He's leaning against the tech building, like he was before when I saw him out here. Like he was before...when he was watching me, waiting for me, not for the other girl, the invisible girl.
"Stalker."
"You're chipper. Should I be worried?"
"I'm zen." He's sexy. He's quiet. Sharp. His words are sharp. And he smells divine.
"Find what you were looking for?"
"Did you?" He was waiting for me. Before. And now. Like I knew he would.
"You're here aren't you."
AN:
The Boy plays around with my words. I like it.
Next chapter: A week or so.
Vampire treats for Halloween! What are you going as?
Please and thank you!
samrosey. xo