The names are not mine, the rest - is.
I Only Have Eyes For You
"You're here, aren't you." She is a talking, walking, brand new fascination, exponentially sending waves of attraction and seduction my way. She walks ahead, facing me backwards, staring at me, challenging me, promising me with her expressive face, beaming smile and darkly gaze, I am caught in.
"I'm here." Her legs are clumsy as one foot crosses the other.
"And you're zen." Determined has left her, intoxicated greets me. One might say she seems almost blissful, the softest touch of red warming her cheeks. I'll never be used to the rushing force her scent sends through my body, the intense tightening of my muscles as I attempt to stop myself from hunting her.
"Thanks to Jasper." She says, so pleased.
"Hmm." Of course. Not because of me then.
"Hmm?" She's still looking at me, her eyes glistening, glazed with the effects of my brother and his strings, pulling strings inside. He can touch her, without touching her. I cannot do either. There has to be a way to be closer, feel closer, be inside without actually being inside.
"Just hmm." She questions everything.
"No, not just. It's never easy. And you are lousy with more, with all the things I don't know. You're very mysterious, Edward Cullen." I'm enforcing the take back, and I do, because this is false bliss. A false sense of what's ahead. How can she be happy with only nothing? Not feeling us realised, only living off the potential of what we can be. Lost sensations unable to find their way. She is high on Jasper's tricks.
"Okay, Bella. Show me your room." I want inside.
"You've seen my room."
"No. I have seen the things you left behind. Show me here, show me the rest."
"But they'll be in the room. And they will be like, girls. Acting like girls, asking all of their girl questions."
"You, are a girl, Miss Swan."
"I'm messy." She is. I have seen her objects of desire, pretty effects and mess. Lots of mess, I recall.
"Show me anyway." Should I admit to intruding, I wonder. She knows I watched her sleeping. Just as I watched her in class today. Just as I watched her walk the green mile to the others. The other vampires. She wonders if we are the same. She wants to learn me, about me, from them. Bella beautiful, wants to hang out with blood suckers to see if I'm dangerous. And I am. But they are more so. Childish demons, playing games with the humans. Toys. She isn't one. Not to me. She could be the greatest. My greatest. Except she wants to learn from Jasper. Boy vampire with a present to pry the emotions, change the emotions.
I want to see all that she is. No pushing and pulling to mould the girl into another. If I cannot feel her difference, touch her difference or be inside all of what makes us different, then this cannot be.
So show me.
"So show me..." Hands in my pockets, I hold on tight to the cloth between my fingers, for my fingers long to grasp another completely. They want to hold her. To take her. Carelessly, and greedily. But they can't. I can't. So I walk, moving away from the temptation, dancing circles, just as she did. "Stop thinking so much, my dear." I bow, charming her. She has no choice but this one.
"Okay, fine. But don't say I didn't warn you." Stomping boots, she pretends to protest. She came around so quickly. I wonder if she is imagining me amongst her things. On her bed perhaps.
She's quiet as we enter the building. The echos of freshman vomiting up their first, and probably not their last, beer. The parties are only just beginning. Gaggles of giggling girls falling over themselves to get to some guy, any guy really, it doesn't seem to matter. It will be another one next week. Oh, human lust. There is plenty of it, and plenty to be had. Perhaps it's the years that set me apart, or maybe it's simply the hatred I carry in abundance for most humans. Bella is different. Being my singer makes her incomparable, truly distinct. Regardless of why, or for what reason, there is no doubt in my mind that since the shift - occurring without warning, without room to move - I am left with no hope of ever finding another. Bella is it for me. It's in the fine points of her everyday living, the smallest details of her movements. The greatest sounds of her words as I listen for every last one, she calls to me. Only as the time began to move on from then to now - when she collapsed, lying asleep before me, to the Meadow, when I began to show my true self to her, and now, as we try to be real. It is with great certainty that I can say, I am in love with this human girl. So yes there is only. For now. But as the time continues to move, we will hunger, and when we look for that nourishment, that satisfaction from each other, we will starve. Because there comes a definite time when the only, is not enough.
"Ready?" I ask.
"Ready." She's worried.
"They won't know. And you don't have to tell them." That I'm a monster.
"I know." Her stressed out heart hurts my still one. "But thanks."
She pushes the door open to two girls and my brother. Emmett.
Emmett came to me a few nights ago with news of his courtship.
"Dude, I'm not asking for permission. I figured you'd wanna know since they're BFFs and all."
"BFFs. Right."
I see now that I should have taken it upon myself to inform Bella. Rose might already know about me, about us, after all.
"Bella!" Nettie bounces towards us. "And... Edward. Hi."
"Hello." She eyes me, and surprisingly takes both of our hands, not at all flinching from the difference of my skin to her own. It is highly unusual for humans to make uninitiated contact with us like this, their instincts often keeping them away.
Bella eyes our joined fingers.
"Wanna smoke with us? Jasper and Alice are bringing some over."
"Now?" I say, really only asking Emmett as I imagine the scene. I'm being ambushed. Spied on.
"Reinforcements. Or in your case..." Emmett's gestures of a limp penis are amusing to no one but himself.
The girls stand in the bathroom, door open, whispering. I could listen, if I choose to. Does Bella know that? I plan to know all of everything that occurred in the attic between her and Jasper and what he told her about us. About vampires.
"Bro." Emmett shakes his head at me, but there's no need for me to move closer, as he speaks to me in his quietest voice - a whisper of his own, if you will. No human ear is capable of hearing it as his voice is inaudible to anyone but other vampires. We use it only for instances like this, for situations such as this. "Alice is freaking out."
"Why?" Alice is always worried about something. Usually me.
"Because you told. And I told."
"Rose knows?" Rose knows, yet she hasn't warned Bella. Interesting. I wonder if Bella will choose to share the secret with either of them.
"Hell yeah. You know I can't handle secrets and shit."
"Of course."
"So yeah. That's why she's coming over. Oh and, prolly for the hippy chick."
"Incestuous." We are The Romantics.
"You're twisted." For a while now, they have spoken about finding a girl for Alice to enjoy. The family knows of their plans, and supports whatever they choose as long as it's right for them, and nobody gets hurt again.
"If you say so." Bella is fishing around inside a bag for something. Rose is touching her face, and Nettie is sitting on the counter talking about how it will be different this time.
"It's standard. The first time is always weird."
I wonder what Bella's first time was like, and who it was with. If he was kind, or just a horny teenager taking all he could get from her.
Images of her with another, pollute my mind. Her hair, flowing sexy down her naked back. Her hands pressed into his chest as she moves wildly on top of him.
Smoking. They're talking about smoking.
"Bella." My words are like acid. I don't mean for them to be.
"What's wrong?" Wide eyes search me.
"Occupy me?" I beg.
"Um, what do you wanna do? Wanna get high with us?"
I move over to her bed. I only know it's hers from my earlier intrusions. I only knew it was hers because of her scent.
"Remember the party? I had been testing my limits with that stuff for months. Do you want to try?"
"Anything's possible, right?"
"Our connection is stronger now. I can't be sure it will actually work." She has to prepare for failure, she has to prepare for how it could make her feel. I won't hurt her again. I will control myself.
"But it's something." She sits next to me, her leg shaking with an impatience, with an anxiety I cannot soothe.
"It's imperative that you know it may not work." Her lips, trembling. Her breath, stuttering. An eager anticipation overwhelming her. I raise my hand, fingers whispering along her hair, my words so close she could steal them. "But we will try."
A knock at the door pulls us from our only way of having.
"It's time!" Nettie skips towards the door, wired, constantly wired. She is naturally high. I like that in a human.
-o-
Jasper and Alice appear and I remember the face she showed me from earlier, her feline face of a vampire as she watched me walk away with the love of her life. Edward said I was a singer. He will never want another. If I choose it, he would be tied to me forever. Forever. Except I don't have forever. I look at Edward and he is staring at me, at my face. Sometimes when he looks me, I feel like I could die, it's too much. It's all so much, I can't breathe.
"They won't hurt you." He speaks and I feel like it's all for me. His body, facing me, his hands close to where they want to be. His words, so quiet, like air.
"They don't like me." Jasper seemed kind of cool but I don't think he was thrilled to be speaking with me.
This room is too small for all of these people. Larger than life people. Except, these people aren't even people. It seems like all of a sudden, I am seeing three vampires. My friends. And three vampires. All in a room together, and Edward. So many vampires.
"Welcome to the family."
"What?" Edward asks and I still have so many questions. This isn't like a normal relationship between a boy and a girl. The only other person I have ever known that thought of me as more than a friend was... homegrown. It was slow, easy. Like family. But not. I didn't have to try. There were no mysteries. No secrets. It was like, a practice run. This is so scary new, and potentially life threatening. It's way lusty and all I want is him. I crave him. Already I crave him. How he looks, the things he says, and how he smells. He walks into a room, and I am enveloped in Edward. Nobody else exists but him.
"Never mind. Can we try now?" I feel like I'm begging. Nobody exists but him.
We all move to sit on the floor, making a circle of purple cushions in the shape of huge buttons, green and blue blankets covering limbs, tangled. A glass bong I have never seen before. Nettie sits between Alice and Jasper. I sit between Jasper and Edward. A baggy of weed and a bottle of water. Edward takes out a lighter, it's black and fits between his fingers expertly as he flips the lid and lights it. The way he watches the flame is intense. Orange and gold. He drags me in, and a few seconds later he closes the lid - I want to know what he's thinking.
Passing around the bong seems to take forever and I am completely mesmerised by how each one takes a hit. Rose looks at everyone in the room before she takes a turn, pushing her hair behind her ears, pretty fingers clasp the instrument. Her eyes close as she breathes in. She holds it in for only a few seconds as she passes it to Emmett. The sucking sound is monstrous, drowning out the music - now soft whimpers of something I don't know. I think it's the radio, but I could be wrong. Rose leans into Emmett as he passes it to Edward. Edward takes two hits, and he holds them in so long barely any smoke comes out when he exhales. At this point, the others are impatient and I know I'm being watched. They're watching me because I have something they want. They're watching me because I'm with Edward, and he told me their secret. Do they wonder if I'll get high and make a scene? I do.
The pull is heavy, hot, my throat burns and my fingers tremble. I see only the ceiling as my eyes finally close, the sweet anticipation of touching Edward washing over me. A few more hits and we'll try.
I miss Jasper's turn, only catching up as he moves to face Alice. She smiles and looks at me before breathing in the smoke. What is her deal? I feel like I'm supposed to be afraid of her but she's so animated and engaging, I don't know if I can be. She breathes in, and he kisses the side of her mouth before she turns to face Nettie. Jasper hovers like an animal, watching his girlfriend and her new toy. Alice sits across Nettie's legs, her skirt riding up to show her ripped tights. The whole room is watching them. Even Rose. The air is thick with the smell of our inhibitions leaving us, the swarm of our sexual intentions hitting me square in the face. My mouth is dry, my head is spinning, Edward sits to my right but I can't look at him. His whispers are lusty and unclear as Alice moves closer, her black-cherry lips part, and smoke passes from her to my friend. Nettie is really pretty. When she said she would practice kissing with me, I thought it would be weird because I didn't know if I would like it. In this moment. I feel like I would. I feel like, if kissing was anything like this, I definitely would. Alice calls Nettie her "kitten" as she lies back, Alice now straddling her.
I can't watch this. I feel like, like I want this when really I just want Edward. I want to be lying underneath Edward while he calls me kitten. I want to feel him pressed against me, down there, pressed against me everywhere.
"Sorry, big brother." Edward takes the bong before it goes back to Rose and Emmett.
He takes not two but three more hits after packing it with more weed.
"Bella?" I take one more as he stands, and when I'm done, I follow him over to my bed, the room separated by music. It's definitely not the radio - the synthy sounds of Everything All The Time is playing on shuffle.
Edward lies back, surrounded by my things, pressed to my sheets, and I think about the others. I decide I don't care, I decide I've waited for this since he first sat next to me. I decide they're too stoned at this point to even notice what we're doing.
I lie on the bed and we face each other, Edward pulls a pillow from under him and places it between us.
The room is like, heavy. Like a fog has descended. My head on the pillow is a dream come true as my senses are more real now, they're something I can name now. I hear the others whispering and giggling, playing and kissing. The paranoia is trying to take over but I don't want it.
"I don't want it."
"What?" Edward is lying on my bed with me, confused.
"I don't want to be scared."
"Being scared is easy. Realising you don't need to be, is harder." Edward's eyelashes touch his cheek when he looks down. I wait for him to blink so I can see them again. I feel like I'm waiting for a long time when my eyes start to sting and I close them.
"You don't blink." I tell him.
"No. I don't."
"Ever?" Never?
"No. Not at all." No blinking. Check.
"Do you cry?" I wonder.
"No." He looks like he's waiting for me to freak out.
"Do you dream?" I wonder if he dreams about me.
"I don't sleep." Oh.
"None of you?" They don't all have gifts, so maybe...
"None of us."
"Is that boring?" I ask.
"You have no idea." I wonder what it's like for him. If we seem, if I seem different and scary to him. "Bella, are you ready?"
"Yes." I realise I am crazed with several powerful emotions. "Yes. I'm ready." And scared. I'm not strong enough to be anything else. I'm not wise enough to know if that choice is real.
The voice of Ben Bridwell echoes through my head as the tragic sounds of anything, ever, take me over. I think I might cry, waiting. I think I might explode, as finally, his fingertips brush my cheek. It feels amazing. Like light, like there are a thousand tiny stars surrounding me, holding me to this spot. I open my eyes as the beats get louder, the feel of his skin on my skin as the crescendo finds it's tipping point is shattering, smashing any thought I ever had of what this would feel like. He lips are wet from his tongue, pressed together as his fingers dance along my temple and back down to my cheek - he finds me everywhere, he finds me smiling. I don't feel like dying. I'm not falling down a dark scary hole alone, and the world isn't drowning out, only the music is as the crashing tragedy turns to tinkering, something calling me softly. He's smiling now, smiling sexy cute, his thumb sweeps my mouth, pulling at my bottom lip a little. He's staring at me. His lashes fluttering as he moves from my eyes to where he holds me. He looks, hungry. And for a second I wonder if it's lust or something else. Whether it's the something more that could end me in a second. All I hear now are blood curdling screams. I close my eyes, tightly squeezing the images away.
"This kiss..." His words are like a popping inside my heart, popping one by one. The air leaves the room as he moves closer, infinitely closer. His fingers brush my hair away from my face, pushing the strands behind my ear. And I tingle, tingling in my toes, in my tummy. Butterflies tickling each other as the flutter of the beating drums inside me thrum, his kiss imminent.
"...might be the death of you." He presses his forehead to mine. "Don't worry, we have time."
His words make me feel hollow. And it takes actual effort to think, to breathe as the foggy haze of being stoned takes me under. I feel like my heart just fell out of me.
AN:
I've missed you! Time has been spent going crazy while my computer was broken, for about three weeks. Ahh! Fic land was lost to me, and I worried my words would find another while I waited to put them down.
The Boy continues to pre-read. Dragging him into our world is so much fun! He even came to see Breaking Dawn Part Two with me the other day! Have you all seen it?
I would love to know your thoughts!
Please and thank you.
samrosey. xo